Silly but True

Today I took Jeff to the doctor. He's had an ingrown toenail that needed to be taken care of. He'd had one removed on the other foot about 5 years ago so he knew a bit what to expect, but I didn't. He wanted someone there "to hold his hand" and I wanted to be there. Even after he'd told me about the experience before, I was a bit surprised that it was as big a deal as it was; his mom had told him he'd be okay to take himself so I guess I thought maybe it was silly of me to go with him.
They gave him laughing gas just so the shots that numb his toe wouldn't hurt so much. He has a hard time with needles and I could tell by his reaction these shots hurt A LOT. It was really hard to sit there thinking he feels pain and fear and I can do nothing. It was almost worse than anything I've had to have done to me because I couldn't take any of it on myself.
After the shots, his toe got very purple and very big very fast. The rest of it was gross, I didn't watch, but it didn't hurt him. After cutting out the toe nail, they had to put acid on it so that the nail won't grow back and there was a lot of blood even though they'd wrapped some kind of thing around his toe to keep it from bleeding much. EW!
Well, my point in writing this wasn't to share the gross stuff. Sorry. My point was how much love I felt for him seeing him in pain and not able to do anything but sit there and hold his arm. After the doctor, I took him to his dad's house so he can play video games with his brother who's out of school for the holiday and then I came to work. As I drove from there to work, I just had a really good feeling. A feeling of love I suppose. I was glad I'd taken the time off to be there with him. I would hate to think he went through that by himself.
And as silly as it sounds, the thought I had was that sometimes I feel good about myself because I've done something that is truly who I am. Teaching was like that. Holding babies is like that. And, just being there offering my support or strength to someone I care about so much was like that. It felt good to give something of myself. And I knew that I was where I should be and it's what I want to be doing with my life. Just loving those that matter, especially my husband and the baby that is on the way.

Kinda freaks me out

I just read an article in the paper about people setting up their own genetic labs as a hobby. Some people who studied biology in college or something and now want to discover the cure for who knows what or, no joke, the article really said this, a way to make glowing tattoos. People for it say the next genius may be out there but people against it say it's really dangerous. There is no safety system in place when people are just doing this out of their garage or basement and have no advance training. I'm with the latter. It kind of freaks me out.

Another article I read this morning made it sound like more and more women are choosing at home births with a midwife nurse because of the cost of going to the hospital. Yeah, that's smart. I'll just do it at home by myself and save some money. I have heard there is a trend to home births and birthing centers because it provides a more comfortable envoironment for mom and baby. People are against drugs when giving birth because of the harm they think it does to the baby. Again, I'm with the skeptics. We've come along way so I don't have to worry so much that my baby or I am going to die of some strange disease or complication simply because we don't know any better. My grandmothers went through a lot so I don't have to!

Not even the same thing, but just as annoying to me, in the last few days visiting various family for the holidays someone actually said to me "they say if your kids hate you, you're doing a good job." What kind of advice is that!?!?!?! She doesn't even have a bad kid that needs to be kept in line or taught a lesson. But, he IS a teenager now so you know how bad and rebellious they are and you have to keep them in control. Another mother handed her son a beer and told him it's okay to drink it because he's old enough now even though his wife doesn't want him to (she said it right in front of the wife, by the way).

Everyone is complaining about the snow today. Admittedly, it was a long drive to work this morning and I'm scared to even leave because it's going to be worse going home. Even more scary is walking through my work's parking lot. It was pure ice this morning and now if I fall, I'm not the only one who will be hurt. I almost sat back in my car and cried. That said, we do live in Utah, snow is part of the deal. If we just could all slow down...

I really want to go live in a small town and be a hermit. I've never wanted to shelter my kids, thinking that does more harm than good. But, I certainly wish I could protect them from all this crap. And I want to hide... for a while anyway. People are so stupid.

Merry Christmas!

I don't know if I've ever read this as published. I loved it!

Perhaps the most famous, and popular, editorial of all time was written by Francis Pharcellus Church of The New York Sun and appeared on Sept. 21, 1897:

We take pleasure in answering thus prominently the communication below, expressing at the same time our great gratification that its faithful author is numbered among the friends of The Sun :

Dear Editor,
I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, If you see it in The Sun , it's so.
Please tell me the truth, is there a Santa Claus?
--Virginia O'Hanlon

Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men's or children's, are little. In this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.
Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus! It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The external light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.
Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies. You might get your papa to have men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if you did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that's no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.
You tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived could tear apart. Only faith, poetry, love, romance can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.
No Santa Claus! Thank God he lives and lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.

Talking to Myself

Knowing my baby is a girl, makes me want to be a really good example. I hope that I would feel this way for a boy too, but with a girl, I want to be everything I think she should/would want to be. I want to show her how to navigate this life with grace and femininity and beauty.

Perhaps it is wordly that I so feel a need now to get my hair done and wear some pretty clothes. But I just want to appear on the outside to be everything I am on the inside. It's hard to assert myself in any way when I feel sloppy.
Today I told Jeff I need to quit wearing my gym pants to work. He asked if anyone said anything about it and when I said no, he said I'm the only one who cares. I asked if that wasn't enough? Doesn't it matter that I feel good about myself? Even in a worldly outward sense?
I don't even think it's that worldly. It's not like I'm worried about being up on the latest fashions and trends. I just want to be someone I feel good about being. I dont' want my baby to look at me and think she doesn't want to be like me or the things I try to teach her because I'm not respectable or I'm frumpy and dumpy or something.

Maybe none of that deeper stuff and trying to explain it to anyone even matters. The point is, I'm not feeling good about myself. I feel like I'm disappearing or something.
I've come to terms with my job, I like the people here and would even be sad in a way to not see them. But I'll be damned (oops :) if I'm going to be "stuck" here because I need health insurance or to support us just enough to live in someone else's basement or something. This isn't what I went to college for or what I want to do with the rest of my life. This isn't me!
I remember one time in college I was somewhere doing something and I could see my reflection in the glass. It wasn't real clear, kind of an ethereal moment or something. But I remember thinking I was happy with how I looked. For probably the first time in my life, since I started caring about those things, I was happy with my appearance. And it wasn't just on the outside. The point was, I was BEING who I wanted to be. Maybe I didn't have certain things I wanted or wasn't quite "there" yet, but I was going and I was doing and I had what I could have. I was happy.
Right now, I don't even know who I am or even what I want to look like. I'm so in love with Jeff and I'm so excited to be pregnant and to be a mom. I want to focus on those things, but all this life stuff keeps just wearing on things. Bills and stress and driving on slippery roads... it just keeps taking away from what I have. I need to just stop and say wait! this is what I'm doing, not all this other stuff. How do you do that when you'll probably just fall off the hamster wheel in your efforts?
Maybe that's why I start with the outside. At least let me pull myself together enough that I LOOK like I know who I am and what I'm doing. Maybe then I'll feel like people will at least see me as someone competent enough to give me some credit for owning my own life. Why do I need their permission or approval? I'm not sure.

I WANT TO DO MY HAIR AND WEAR SOMETHING PRETTY AND MAKE SOME CUTE THINGS FOR THE NURSERY.
I WANT TO DO A GOOD JOB WHERE I'M AT AND ENJOY THE PEOPLE AROUND ME AND EARN MY HEALTH INSURANCE AND KEEP US FED... AND THEN I WANT TO SAY GOODBYE AND FOCUS ON OTHER THINGS IN MY LIFE.
I WANT TO BE HOME WITH MY BABY SO I CAN TEACH HER PRIMARY SONGS AND DANCE MY DORKY DANCE WITH HER TO FUN MUSIC AND READ HER MATH BOOKS AND PHILOSOPHY BOOKS AND POETRY AND SHOW HER GREAT PAINTINGS AND WORKS OF ART.
I WANT TO BE THE WIFE AND THE QUEEN OF JEFF'S WORLD. I WANT TO LEARN HOW TO SHOP AND BUDGET AND COOK HEALTHY DINNERS AND TO PLANT A GARDEN. I WANT TO LOVE HIM AND MAKE SURE HE GOES TO THE DOCTOR WHEN HE'S CHILDISH AND DOESN'T WANT TO BE BOTHERED. I WANT TO CLEAN THE HOUSE AND MAKE IT PRETTY. I MIGHT EVEN WANT TO TAKE THE DOG FOR A WALK.
I WANT HIM TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT HIS WORK AND LIKE HE'S DOING SOMETHING WORTHWHILE AND NOT WORRY THAT SOMEDAY HE'LL END UP RESENTING ME OR THE KIDS FOR HAVING TO WORK HIS LIFE AWAY.
I WANT OUT OF DEBT AND TO HAVE A LITTLE LOG HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE. I WANT SOME QUIET AROUND ME AND AIR TO BREATHE. I WANT TO NOT WORRY WHEN THE WORLD IS IN RECESSION AND THE SKY IS FALLING BECAUSE I HAVE MY OWN LITTLE WORLD THAT I'M IN CHARGE OF AND TAKING CARE OF AND MAKING BEAUTIFUL.

Power in Decision

Sometimes I make a decision and it feels so rooted. What starts out as a thought, a desire, a trying on this choice to see how it fits or might play out, becomes a commitment inside myself somewhere and it just feels right. It's almost a prayer and kind of a promise to myself, but not even quite that formal. But it becomes that binding. It's as if my soul has been trying to speak and when I finally come to the conclusion or hear it in my conscious mind, my soul swallows it in to my being where it becomes part of me... really without much effort.

This happened in August. I was thinking of having a baby and kind of sad that I wasn't yet pregnant and the thoughts just came. It was almost like everything I'd thought and planned and hoped and wished for became something real, almost tangible. I knew something within myself and without any effort I said if I just commit to this, the rest will come. The fretting, the figuring, the questions were gone. It's like taking a step on faith. I was pregnant a couple weeks later.

Yesterday, I made a decision. It happened in this same way. Something I've been fretting over for months and trying to see different options and solutions to, just came in my head. Simply decide this and let the other stuff fit around it.
By making this connection, everything yesterday calmed down. Little stresses at work were manageable. Household chores that have recently felt insurmountable didn't get me so down. And all the questions that this would bring up, paled in comparison to the commitment of this choice.

Today, as is expected, there seem to be a million and one reasons telling me why this decision just isn't smart. But the inner peace I feel, keeps telling me it's right. It's like the sky is falling around me and I keep trying to figure out how I'm going to stop it when in reality, I just need to figure out how I'm going to shelter myself. This is what I'm doing. Now you all can fall around me as much as you want, but you can't touch me. I can't stop you, but I can create my safe haven.

The Thanksgiving Continues

For the last two years, the paycheck before Thanksgiving had a $25 gift card to Smith's in it. This is great for stretching the budget. This year, that payday came and went and I didn't even think about it until some of the guys I sit by were talking about it. We assumed that with all the cutbacks being made, that was something that had to go. Oh well. We wouldn't complain.
But! in my last check, there was a gift card! I was thinking I could use it to buy candy bars for Christmas presents for all our nephews (well, not JUST the nephews, I just say it that way because we suddenly have so many between the two of us and it's kind of fun). Sadly though, my car was out of gas yesterday and it not so sadly dawned on me that some of the Smith's stores have gas stations. Perhaps the gift card would work there?
So we went. AND it did work! AND not only did I get free gas, but because I shop at Smith's, I had earned a $0.15 off per gallon reward. Not too shabby. AND gas prices have fallen so much lately anyway. I got a full tank of gas- over 13 gallons (I don't know if I've EVER been that out) for $18.41 that I didn't even have to pay for! Without the gift card, I don't know what I would have done- walked to work today? :)

Yesterday I also called my favorite nephew James for his birthday. He's 17!!!!!! I can't even believe it. I know, I know, I'm not supposed to have favorites, but James and I have always been close. I still claim him, selfishly without regard to his parents, as MY baby. I spent the first year, year and a half out of high school taking care of the kid mostly because my mom was taking care of our grandparents and his parents had to work. He was such a beautiful boy (and still is!). I would pack him around everywhere with me. Sometimes I would pick the other kids up from school and we'd get out of the car and play on the lawn. I remember laying on my back on the ground, putting my feet on his chest and lifting him up in the air so he could fly. One time when the elementary school was doing school pictures, I volunteered to take him when they did the little kids' pictures. He wore a blue sweater and we spiked his white blonde hair and he had the cutest smile.
I once worried that someday he'd be too old and too cool to hug his auntie. I also was afraid that life changes and one of us would move away. I just hoped he'd remember, at least in some way, the feelings we had when he was little. Fortunately for me, he still hasn't gotten too old or too cool or too far away. I don't see him much anymore, but he always hugs me and tells me he loves me. Last night (shh, don't tell his other aunties) he said that I'm his favorite aunt and I "better never forget it." When I got married, I was told that he said something pretty darn cool in defense of me and my feelings and my day.
Just to be silly, Jeff has decided to call my Jamesy, "Jimmy." As I talked to James last night, Jeff called out "happy birthday Jimmy." When I told James what he'd said, he laughed. I said, "you know, that's probably gonna stick so if it bugs you, you better let us know." He said it was totally fine. I think it's cute that Jeff would give him a nick-name.
Anyway, it was just great to talk to James yesterday and have him say what he said. I really adore the guy. (P.S. I hope I don't hurt anyone else's feelings saying this about him. My affection for James does not diminish my feelings for any of my other "favorites.")

Don't Listen to the Dumbs

Well, as usual, stuff has come up this week to make stressful me really stress. Yesterday, I felt determined. I prayed in the morning and sometimes I just feel more in touch that way. It helped a lot. I decided I have to stop waiting to see what life is doing and start doing it myself. This is a lesson I've always felt needed learning by me.
This morning I got up and threw up and just cried and felt frustrated all morning. I felt overwhelmed and under-appreciated. I felt weak and like giving up. After talking to Jeff, I've again determined to be happy and positive and look to make life what I want it to be and not just get pushed around by all the mixed up things life tries to force on us.

My sister and I used to have a saying "don't listen to the dumbs!" (to give proper credit, she probably told it to me first). This morning I felt like no matter what I think or believe in or want, life is just going to take it away. People keep telling Jeff that "everybody hates their job." I keep fearing that I will be stuck with my job, even after the baby, because you have to have health insurance, I have benefits and security and it's a good little job and "you can't live on one income."
Okay okay okay. WE KNOW! Jeff is willing to work and do something just because he has to. I will do what I have to to take care of my family and do my part. But WHY in the world should Jeff sell himself short, not expect something more of himself and life, and just go out and get any dumb old job? Why shouldn't he look for something better!? Why should I just become another working mother? I can't even breast feed my own baby because I have to go to work? That is evil personified if you ask me! Why shouldn't we expect more? Hope for more? Work for more?

So today I'm determined to listen to myself. To go inside and remember my hope, my dreams, even my own abilities, and make something of it! One of my "talents" is goals and dreams and vision and making it happen. I don't say that in grandeur, I say that knowing that when I pray and have faith, God has always helped me to accomplish these things. Why should now be any different?

Not finished

Yesterday I read an article about Faith Hill doing a cover for a magazine wearing a bikini. Faith Hill is quoted as saying it's her birthday present to herself (it's her 41st? birthday and she's had 3 kids and she looks like that! kind of thing). The writer of this article said that celebrity swimsuit photos should come with a warning; normal people don't look like that.
This article, I thought, was unique because the writer, also in her 40's with a couple kids, claimed to be an athletic type. She and her mother run marathons! So, it's not just a fat, "normal" person complaining about the images we see, but someone who could possibly live up to the hype. She said that people like Faith Hill claim to get back in shape after a baby with exercise and a reasonable diet, perhaps even just by breastfeeding. So, she took the challenge. Adding to her already rigorous workout routine, she added kick boxing classes and admitted that she was now working out about 8 hours (or was it more?) a week. She said she really was spending enough time that it was like a part time job! And, although she didn't change her diet, she also noted that she generally cooks organic and really healthy stuff at home, far from the typical American diet.
I think she spent three months doing this to prove that she too could have Faith Hill-like abs. The result? She was in awesome shape! The army expects recruits to be able to do so many sit ups and push ups in a given amount of time. She had that beat no problem. She was toned etc. BUT, she still had a slouchy, saggy belly from having babies. Her point was, without plastic surgery, personal trainers, cooks and nutritionists on hand, etc. and really even making more than the average person can do effort, we are still flawed. Accept it, love yourself, and be happy.

I have always had just one or two very white hairs on the front of my head. They are more noticeable when I have bangs. I noticed them when I was in high school and it was literally like two or three hairs. My dad has beautiful, shiny, white hair. No gray, no dullness. The story is, his mom, who also had the beautiful white hair, started going white before she was 30. My sister and I always said it would be so cool to have pure white hair and we wanted to "race" to see who got there first. She's six years older and I think is starting to look salt and peppered. Since I got married (or perhaps it's since a certain age :), I have noticed a few more white hairs on top of my head. More than a couple times, standing in the sun with Jeff and his tallness above me, he's remarked "ooh, you're sparkly!" which is sweet of him considering the first time he noticed I think it highlighted our somewhat large age difference and kind of freaked him out.
A few days ago someone at work commented "you're getting gray aren't you?" Well, I'm not getting gray, it's still only a few hairs. But, yes, they are getting more noticeable. A part of me is proud of my white hairs. It's like my inheritance. And it's not about age or getting old or even stress, like some people claim. It's just me.
But, because of... I don't know? whatever's out there... I'm starting to worry. If someone across the cubicle notices my hair, maybe it's getting more obvious. If I'm just now having a baby and Jeff is that much younger than I am, I don't want to look old and let's face it, gray hair does age you even when it's pretty. I don't want to look "out of style" or like I let myself go or...something.

I find myself really struggling with these kinds of things. It's not like I expect to have supermodel abs, but knowing it's not even possible for super athletic woman is... well, freeing on the one hand, but scary at the same time. Scary because there is so much out there telling us how we should be. To stand against it feels so... isolating.

My Thanksgiving

I had a nice day yesterday. I think it really helps the sicky stuff when I don't have to wake up to the alarm clock, get the dog outside, and be somewhere by a certain time with stress and work and deadlines waiting for me. Wednesday I had been pretty yucky all day so I was excited to wake up Thursday feeling normal hunger pains and no sick-ies.

I guess my Thanksgiving holiday started Wednesday. A couple weeks ago, when I took the garbage out, there was a cute little corner computer desk sitting by the dumpsters. I got Jeff and we went out and brought it home. It had been sitting in the middle of our living room for two weeks and we were about deciding we didn't really want it. But when I got home Wednesday, Jeff had rearranged the whole living room. This means that I now have our kitchen table back (that's where the computer has been). We also brought the t.v. out of Jeff's game room so we can have people over to watch movies etc more comfortably AND with the little room somewhat emptied, we can have a place for the baby! I'm so excited to set up a nursery now, I can't see straight. My only hesitation is, can we keep affording our rent?!?!

We also went to my mom's house Wednesday night. I like to help my mom make stuff for the holidays. I miss not being home and fretting with and helping her. Jeff went with me and he and Khrystine talk a lot, which is fun for me. Sometimes they both like to argue (not so fun for me) but they seem to click. And they and Dad watched the movie Hancock. It was fun to just be there for a while.

Yesterday, as I said, I woke up feeling good. About 1, we went over to Stephen and Heather's to say hi to everyone. I actually got to see ALL the family (except of course for Ben and Mel in Florida) so that was fun. Jeff hasn't been around Stephen's new group much. The twins took an instant liking to his tall bigness and soon he was flipping them over his shoulder and lifting them up high enough to bump their heads on the ceiling. This of course was completely delilghtful for me. It was fun to see Gina and baby Hunter and think that this time next year, we'll have a baby the same size as Hunter is now. WOW! That kinda blew us both away. Unfortunately, I didn't get to talk as much to Karen as I'd hoped. She got there just before we left, but at least I got to see her for a minute.

From there, we went to Jeff's grandma's. I'm starting to feel more comfortable and like I know people so that's good. But there is still a bit of feeling new and awkward. There are a lot of new people and step kids and someone's in laws etc. So it's hard to keep track of them all, but it was fun. We had some really good food. I just wanted to eat more than I did. Luckily, we got to bring some home with us :)

We went home and the dog had behaved (I was so glad for that!) and watched a movie... hm, I think it was called Meet Dave. It had Eddie Murphy as an alien. Actually, his body is more like the ship that all these little one inch high people are operating. It was pretty cheesy, but fun. Then I went to bed and I'm back at work today with not a whole lot to do. My tummy is a bit sicky, but I think it's just 10 o'clock and I need to eat again (I get hungry everyday at this time).

I am thankful for...

Today I filled my car up with gas- from almost touching E to the pump stopping because it's full- for only $20.29!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Another post

I guess I should post something new and be done with the sad story. The dog is going much better by the way. It's been a long week and I'm very tired. I think I need a vacation. Someone called the other day and asked for Jeff. I was hoping it was a job and gave him the phone. It was someone offering a free night's stay in Park City. He declined and I was glad because nothing is free and I'm sure they would just try to sell us something once we got there. But, I keep thinking, wouldn't it be nice to go on vacation? Like when I was a kid and Dad took care of everything and I could just relax? Now if we want to go on vacation, we have to figure out how to pay for it and drive there ourselves and... bah, who needs THAT stress???

I'm really looking forward to the holidays this year. I don't know what exactly I'm looking forward to. I think (mommy would be so proud!) the thing I'm most looking forward to is all the pretty, sparkly, colorful lights and decorations. I just want to sit in my living room and look at my little Charlie Brown tree and drink hot chocolate. Maybe THAT would be a vacation!

Speaking of looking forward to things... next week, the day after Thanksgiving, is my next doctor's appointment. I guess I look forward to going because it gives me a chance to know everything is alright and it makes this real. You'd think my heaviness and throwing up would make it real! but you know what I mean. I think, from what I've read and heard, I'll probably be having an ultrasound and finding out the sex next month? That will be a fun Christmas present. I think it's kind of cool that it was my birthday when I was really starting to wonder and look for this to be it. I kind of got to tell my mom I thought I was when she took me out for my birthday. That's fun. At the time, I was concerned that I was ruining the surprise, but now I'm glad she got to share the suspense with me :)

I think this weekend I'm going to make Jeffrey go out with me driving around and looking at apartments to see if we can get any numbers for apartments for rent. I really don't want to move; it sounds so hard right now! But I really think we need to find a less expensive apartment. I don't know how that will go over with the dog or if cheaper apartments even exist!

I'm really looking forward to sleeping this weekend.

A Sad Story

My dog is such a good sweet dog. She gets a little hyper or annoying sometimes, but she takes such good care of me. When I'm sick, she seems to know and she stays by me. When I've been sad, she looks at me concerned and tries to lick it better.
Niobe is very good about staying with me when we go outside. Sometimes we let her go out by herself. She's afraid of people so we don't have to worry about that- she'll come running back before she'd ever go after anybody. Sometimes when we let her out alone, I have to encourage her to go up the stairs by herself because she'll wait for me.
When we first got her, she was potty trained and she was comfortable with us (we got her from Jeff's dad's family). But, being in a new place, it took her a long time to get comfortable with her surroundings. We would put her on a leash and take her to the backyard and then take off the leash so she could sniff around. It seemed to take her a long time to even know it was okay to go to the bathroom.
All of this combined, I often take the dog out without a leash. Especially lately, I think I should use one more for the security of anyone else that happens to be outside than for the dog's safety or to keep her under control. But, being pregnant, I've been quite lazy, especially if I'm the one to take her out in the morning. Lately I've just been watching from the bottom of the stairs because she's so good about doing her thing and coming right back and then if I need to I know to go clean up.

The other night when I got home from work I opened the door to let her out. Sometimes when she really has to go, she'll run up the stairs without hesitating. So she did this night. I was right behind her though, or so I thought. When she got to the top of the stairs, she bolted. She's done this once or twice before when she goes after a cat or a bird. She's just playing. I called her name and got to about the third step just in time to see her dash into the parking lot. A car was also coming through and hit her full on the side.
I really expected her to be dead when I got there. I called back to Jeff who I hadn't even said hi to yet hoping he'd come out. He stays much more calm than I do in stressful situations. I got to the top of the stairs and Niobe wasn't near the car. Instead she came running from the other direction, went straight down the stairs and into the apartment. I called her again to try to get her to come to me so I could see if she was alright, but thinking she was still running she must be at least somewhat okay.
The driver had stopped his car and got out. I thought I better talk to him. I felt almost as bad for him as I did the dog. He was a young guy and pretty shook up. He said he saw the cat but not the dog, he just heard her yelp and felt the car hit something. I apologized and told him she was still running so she's probably okay. He stood there for a bit and then calmed down and left just as Jeff was coming out asking what was going on.
We got Niobe to come up the stairs and go to the bathroom and watched to see if she was limping or if anything was bleeding. She had a pretty good cut on her face and her tail looked bent, but she was walking okay, just emotionally upset. We took her in and cleaned her cut and just watched her the rest of the night. We didn't know where to take her and we didn't have any money either. She went up and down the stairs a time or two more, but by the time I was going to bed, I couldn't get her up the stairs. I wasn't sure if she was hurt or just scared.
We took her to the doctor the next day (thanks to our moms for helping with the money) and she seemed to be okay. There's a possibility her tail is broken but that would have to heal on it's own anyway. She has been very good about taking pain pills and an antibiotic. The doctor said that even a bruised muscle can cause infection so the antibiotic is precautionary. Our nervous dog did surpsrisingly well with it all but it was a rough visit anyway. She seems to be doing better now, but is still very cautious and will yelp for no reason or when she moves and I worry something hurts more than just aches and pains.

Expectorant

(I can really tell what kind of a day I'm having/mood I'm in by the things I find funny. I find my title wonderfully creative, a bit sarcastic, clever and oh so funny. That should tell you what kind of a day this has been :) )
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When I was born,
they looked at me and said,
what a good boy, what a smart boy, what a strong boy...

When you were born,
they looked at you and said,
what a good girl, what a smart girl, what a pretty girl...

We've got these chains
hangin round our necks,
people wanna strangle us with 'em, before we take our first breath

Afraid of change,
Afraid of stayin the same,
When temptation calls, we just look away....
BNL

This is one of my all time favorite songs EVER. Anyone who knows me knows all the expectations I feel, my need to please others, my almost abusive behavior toward myself to be what I'm "supposed" to be. This song speaks to those concerns.
The lines about love and "be with me tonight" have always resonated with me. Was I going to be so hard on myself, so rigid in my life, that even love was a temptation and something I tried to "do right?" It wasn't fair to me or to the other person to hold so tightly to this false front of being what I thought everyone else wanted; of never being truly myself. Falling in love, meeting that person, proved these feelings more than I would have guessed listening to this song prior to meeting him.
BNL is one of the best bands ever. I love their music for music's sake. I love their poetry and lyrics. They seem often to double play words and you'll be listening to something all upbeat and silly and then realize the words could mean something else and it becomes very profound. That's what I love about poetry anyway... it's feelings that people relate to, not the actual event or goings-on.
I love this song for what it says to me. It's like when I hear a song that speaks to me, it somehow not only validates my feelings, but gives me the permission (as one who lives under the weight of expectation would need) to express them or even just to have them. And then it frees me to "give in to the temptation" to just be myself, to let go of the expectations, even simply (or not so simply for some of us) to love someone else. (See, expectorant- to cause to expel or get rid of- doesn't seem like such an odd title now does it?)

Anyway, I was listening to this song over and over on the way to and from work the other day. Thinking about my baby, I don't want to put that weight of expectation on him/her. I just want to love him and teach him to be his own person and to be happy. There is so much to experience and do in life! It can be such an exciting place.
As I listened to the song, these ideals and hopes I've had for myself as a parent were more real than ever and I fear how I will give them to someone else when I've struggled (and still do) to let myself have them.
And I wondered about expectations. I want my baby to know she is the most beautiful, smart, wonderful girl in the whole world. I want him to be strong and brave and able to do anything he wants. That right there is the very thing the song starts out with. Before we even take our first breaths, people are labeling, defining us... even with the best of intentions.

My Political Spin

Tuesday night, I told Jeff I didn't think it would be that "weird" to have a black president. He agreed. I suppose this shows our naivety. I think Utah is supposed to be known as such a white Mormon state, so it's not really like I know much about racial issues etc. But we both went to schools that were considered more diverse. Seeing interracial couples was not a big deal and it just doesn't seem to us that people of our generation really are even aware of prejudice and racism. I think this is a good thing; people are people, not a color, culture, or race.
I didn't see much t.v. Tuesday night to know what was going on with the election. Jeff had it on a bit and I listened from the other room and it sounded like Obama was ahead, but still close. Wednesday morning I listened to the radio on the way to work to find out what had happened. When they talked about Obama winning and that it was a historical thing being the first African American president, I admit I got more than choked up. It is a NEAT thing. It IS a big deal. I felt rather proud that our country would see men and not a color. I sensed somewhat that there is a whole group of people out there that have faced racism and prejudice, simply because of a color. I felt hope that we have come or are going past this. I felt a sense of relief, as if those things could maybe be put behind us or healed somehow.
Someone at work mentioned that there is probably a need to be concerned about an assassination threat because of some of the radical groups that are out there that have already voiced certain opinions. I hadn't even thought of that. I have heard that people are afraid of Obama's Muslim ties or that he's a terrorist. Again, it must be my naivety, but I can't even wrap my head around such things.
Today I read an article about a high school in Florida that people were trying to change the name of. It is named for a Confederate general who is also believed to be the first Grand Wizard of the KKK. It was originally started as an all white school but now over half the students are black. The school board voted to keep the name. People opposed to changing it just didn't see it as necessary. One person argued that we shouldn't hide or change history and the man was a general who played a big role. I almost bought that argument except for the KKK ties. How would it feel to be part of a group that was so targeted and then have people just not care that that is thrown in your face? And that probably puts it nicely.

On a less serious note, there was a very nice picture on the front page of Wednesday's Tribune of the Obama family. I don't think any words showed on that half of the paper, so that when it was displayed in the racks, you would only see the picture. I think Mrs. Obama and their daughters are very beautiful (darn my superficial-ness again!). Their daughters are quite young. I wondered what it's like for them to know their dad is the president and they are going to live in the White House. The older daughter looks old enough to have some understanding but still young enough to get caught up in the excitement of "yay! daddy, you won!" I wondered if it's weird for them. Then I wondered what their life has been like up to now. Have they always been political? Do they go to schools and family parties and associate with other kids who have parents in government? Like celebrities who may not even realize they are famous because that's just the way life is? What a different world.

Hello me, are you there?

I know I blog too much about my appearance and what some think is wordly, superficial concerns. And I start each blog this same way and feel a need to apologize. But for those of you who don't mind talking about it (Mom? Khrys? Are you there?), read on....

Not long before finding out for sure that I'm pregnant, but pretty sure I was, I went to the store on a Saturday morning. I just ran over for a few necessities and, not feeling so hot anyway, threw on my sweats. I never care until I get there that I look less than stellar. Walking across the parking lot, I thought about how I looked. It was weird in that moment because I thought of myself being someone's mom, not someone... I don't even know how to explain it. I imagined being there with my kids and the image I wanted to portray was much different than I've ever thought about it before.
Of course, meeting Jeff and getting married, you stop thinking, in a way, of attracting the opposite sex, whether you're really concious of these thoughts or not. I never before thought of myself as sexy or alluring or anything on those lines, but I think that even when I wasn't thinking about it or trying, I was always trying to look pretty or even look a certain part when I ventured out in public.
I've floundered a lot with my appearance since getting married. It's been strange to me. It's almost like I don't even know what styles I like or how I want to look. I've thought it's just a new identity I've taken on in life or something. But in this moment, walking into the store thinking of myself as a mother, I realized I really am stepping into a whole new role. It's someone I've never been before in my life.

I'm thinking about this stuff today because as I start to feel a little better, I feel like getting ready in the morning. This, I suppose, makes me critical of my recent letting go; I feel like I'm doing good if I'm clean and dressed and at work, forget the looking good stuff.
My pants are also getting too small and uncomfortable. Today I thought I would wear a skirt. I have lots of pretty skirts and a lot of them are loose and comfy. I wore an outfit that once would have been my favorite- in my quirky, dorky self way; a look I felt I pulled off or at least didn't care if I didn't in college. My skirt is very pretty; I'd like to find more tops to go with it. I like to dress it down a bit with a hooded sweatshirt, in a pretty color, and usually flip flops or sandals. Today is cold so I wore sneakers that I bought for the very purpose of being able to wear them with skirts (the quirky, dorky thing). I got sick after I got out of the shower this morning, so that left no time for my hair or make-up. Perhaps it's just being at an office, but I just feel really lacking in the outward appearance today. But what I decided is, this casual, care-free look just isn't working for me anymore. Natural and comfy I want to hold onto, but not care less and undone. It's time to grow up.
When I think of being a mother, I forget to imagine the baby cereal in my tangled hair and the need to wear big, loose, cover everything shirts. (I'm actually looking forward to that! haha). But I want to be a bit... elegant or polished. I want my children to know what it means to be a lady. Not stylish and competitive looking with my 16 year old daughter. Not stuffy and unable to get down on the floor and wrestle with my toddlers. But pulled together and pretty. I just want to be pretty.

Another thing I'm noticing about myself today is how I always talk in questions and like I'm seeking advice. Okay, lots of times I am. But sometimes I realize I talk this way and it bothers me. I DO know something and CAN make up my mind about some things all by myself. It bothers me when I start to feel like I'm talking down to myself by doing this. I also realize that it's almost an avoidant behavior. If I can get you talking, I don't have to commit to any ideas, opinions, etc. I can keep my precious secrets to myself and not lay them out there for someone to stomp all over. I'm doing the same thing with this discussion of my looks. Like I want to end by asking for someone's opinion or advice or help. As if I can't stand up and say for myself...?... I even started with an apology. "If you're reading my blog, I'm sorry for what I'm saying?" That makes sense.

So, advice anyone??? :)-

Trick or Treat

I dressed up (a little bit anyway) for Halloween today for the first time in... a few years anyway. I'm wearing a red velvet dress and sandals and big chandelier earrings. I have a sash tied around my forehead/front of my hair that is made of Halloween fabric in blues and purples with black velvety shapes of bats and witches. I'm wearing heavier make-up than usual and was thinking kind of a gypsy type look. I was going to try to take a picture of myself this morning, but got too hurried. Besides, I can't get on the internet at home right now and wouldn't be able to post it any time soon. So, you'll just have to imagine how pretty and festive I look. Hehe.

To Get to the Other Side

No joke. Today I actually had to stop my car to wait for a rooster to cross the road. He wasn't sure he wanted to go so he just stopped in front of my car for several minutes. Finally, I decided to go around him, afraid he'd bolt just as I started going. Phewf! He didn't. After I passed, a bit concerned because it's a busy little road in the morning (there's a school and a an office building nearby), I checked the rearview mirror to see him finish crossing the street.
......
Gas is less than $3 a gallon! I'm so excited. I have a full gas tank for the first time in months. I've been driving Jeff's car the last few days because mine was out of gas and I had to wait for pay day. It's nice to be back in my car. I'm quite attached emotionally to it. Is that wordly? When I bought it, I thought it would last me forever and be the car I drove my babies around in. It's funny that now that's coming true. My pretty purple car.
I think I've done really well emotionally being pregnant. I thought I would be freaking out and a blithering mess and was worried about Jeff. I think I've been pretty darn good, much to my surprise, that way. Lately though, I am overly sentimental. I wrote an email to Ben yesterday about looking for apartments and about burst into tears missing him. That's not too out of the ordinary- he's my favorite and SO far away. I thought of Karen the other day and got so melancholy- I haven't talked to her for so long. I had a conversation with Jeff's mom in my head and I was overwhelmed with gratitude for her help and so concerned that she'll think I'm not a good wife. And now, I just did the same thing talking about my car. I have so much feeling... Silly hormones :)
......
Pants, especially jeans, are always a bit snug fresh out of the dryer. I've found the better they fit in general, the more I have to stretch them out a bit after washing them. Lately, my pants have been snug even NOT just out of the dryer. This morning, fresh from the dryer, there was no hope of getting them done up. What was I going to do!? I only have two pairs that fit me now. I wore them around the house undone for as long as I could, took a deep breath and a hop and managed to get them done up. I ran out of breath bending over to kiss Jeff good bye.

Religion

I saw, but didn't read, an article in the paper with a picture of one of our senators. I think he is pretty well known and has been around for a while. It is also well known that he is a "good Mormon." I don't even know what the article was about but it made me think how it kind of bothers me when people add the phrase "and he's a member of the church" to explaining people and their behavior. It's even more bothersome when they are surprised that the person's actions don't live up to what "good Mormons" should be doing.

I guess it bothers me because saying someone is a Mormon or a member of the church should mean something. We should be able to have a little faith in these people as representatives of what our church stands for. But, we are all human. What really bothers me is that this expectation or explanation seems to dismiss good people who are not Mormon. Don't we expect moral, good choices of people who go to other churches or even no church? And can't people who aren't Mormon exhibit great and good behaviors? Doesn't God love them too?

I'm pretty sure most people don't mean it this way, but it's just something that I've been thinking about.


Yesterday driving home from work, a song was on the radio that wasn't a church song, not a Christian song, not a Classical piece of great value. It was quite secular. It's not even one I like all that much, but in my head, I said to my baby, oh, this is a great song. You have so much to experience here. Coincidentally, I was driving past a church.

I got to thinking of all the things I want to teach my children. Setting the church stuff aside, or even including it but not being exclusive to it, there is a lot of good stuff in life to experience. It kind of made me wonder if religion in general doesn't stifle a bit. Don't get me wrong, I've always believed that the commandments and standards of our church are there for our own benefit as much as anything. It just seems that rules and punishments sometimes... well, when you have a personality like mine anyway... kind of make you feel guilty for everything.



Things to enjoy in this life:

Caramel apples- but sugar is bad for you and there's too many calories and why take a perfectly wonderful, natural thing like an apple and put candy on it?

Music that makes you wanna dance and sing- a seminary teacher might point out to you what the song is "really" saying and anything secular is probably just about sex and drugs. Even if it's not, there are "better" things to listen to and do.

First kisses and holding hands and having crushes- whoa! this is a big one. Gotta watch that morality thing. Don't date until your 16, probably shouldn't think too much about it because you know where those thoughts will go... Oh my gosh! I'm so scared for your eternal salvation!

Swimming and feeling cold water and hot sun on your skin- better watch the modesty thing, see previous item... I can't say it all again, it's just too scary!

Staying in and drinking hot chocolate on a snowy day- lazy, lazy, lazy! where's your work ethic!



I guess I'm feeling a bit sarcastic and ornery today. It's not really a church thing, just kind of thinking and that seems to be the best label I have for it. I want to teach my children everything. I want them to be happy and enjoy this life and all that we're given here. I don't want that to be limited. Art, science, math, poetry, just having fun and enjoying things- THAT is what I sometimes think God has given us. Not rules and inhibitions to limit ourselves.

Silly dreams

I've had two dreams the last two nights that somehow seem blog worthy. Probably aren't, but I thought they were somehow insightful into my life right now.

The night before last, I dreamed I went to get a haircut. The girl asked what I was thinking of and when I told her I brought a picture, she said she's been trying not to work from pictures because it limited her ability or kept her from getting better or something. So I tried to describe it to her. In real life, I've thought of this haircut, or something similar, but never settle on it. In the dream, she told me okay, be brave, we're going to do this. Just then, Jeff came in to the little log cabin, gift shop, hair salon, whatever place this was. I said, but you have to ask him first because he probably won't like it. I don't know if I woke up then or the dreamed just changed or what but I also remember thinking I had to remember to tell her I'm pregnant and really too lazy to do anything with my hair right now so I needed something very low maintenance. I also didn't want to go too short because when the baby comes, I'll want to be able to just pull my hair up and not worry about it.
I really was determined to be cool pregnant. Right now, I'm doing good if I can get up, take a shower and get dressed for work. Hair, make-up, looking good? Who can think of such things!

Last night I dreamed that they told me my job was done. I wasn't fired, it was just over. Friday would be my last day. I was so happy and relieved to not have to worry about it anymore. Then I realized I'd have to get a new one and that was kind of a bummer, but I thought I'd just get something easy going to get through until the baby comes.

Advice anyone?

Sometimes when I clean, I feel like I've done a good job, only to turn around and see a million more surfaces that should be sanitized. Sometimes, a quick job leaves me satisfied because it's better than nothing and I know if I do a little something each time, that will be as good as doing a big something only once in a while. Other times, it just doesn't feel like enough, no matter how big a job I do.
I sat on the bathroom floor the last time I cleaned and wondered how in the world one would clean the back of and underneath the toilet tank. Which brings me to under and behind the stove and fridge. How often are you supposed to clean there? And I'm really supposed to drag them out in the middle of the floor? My kitchen isn't even big enough to pull them out and leave room for me to climb behind them- let alone bend over with a dust pan or such.
I feel like I don't get the shower clean unless I use a soapy, scrubby cleanser and really get in there and scrub. Then I see these commercials for spray and it looks like they just spray it and wipe it down- like I do the counter tops. Maybe that's enough if I did it more frequently? How frequently is that?

I've been trying to be very conservative with spending money lately. I pay attention to which brands cost more/less etc. Recently, I bought less expensive body wash and lotion. Luckily, it hasn't made my sensitive skin totally freak out yay! But, my skin is dry. It usually gets dry around this time of year and that's when I buy the wonderful smelling Oil of Olay body wash to salvage my skin. And, it lasts long enough, I think the price is justified. But, as we've tried to cut our overall budget, I can't really justify even a $5 body wash, when the store brand is only $2 and will last just as long. As colder weather comes, I'm worried my skin WILL freak out.

I don't really believe in eating white bread. Sometimes, wheat bread seems just as refined, it's just brown. The kind I really like to buy that has a short list of pronounc-able ingredients and no preservatives is getting close to $5 a loaf! So much for that. It used to be worth buying, again, because it would last a long time. But also again, when trying to cut the whole budget, $5 is a large percentage of the whole bill.
That said, Jeff will only eat white bread. I've often bought just the store brand for his toast etc. But, he recently convinced me that Wonder Bread is better than the store brand. It's only $2 a loaf compared to my $5, but that's double the cost of the store brand! What to do, what to do?

Being pregnant, eating has been quite an experience lately. Sometimes I am so hungry I eat like I'm just starved right to death. Other times, even thinking of food makes me sick and it's like I have to force feed myself just to have some kind of nourishment. At times, I've been so hungry that I think I really need to eat nutrient dense food- spinach, brussel sprouts, eggs. But last week, I really felt like I'd eaten too complex of stuff for my body to be able to process it. I had a small sandwich for dinner followed by jelly filled doughnuts, feeling like my body needed quick, easily processed energy. Maybe that's not such a bad thing sometimes?
I was also wondering about kids' seemingly natural aversion to healthy food, like vegetables. I've always thought I would start my kids early on such baby food delights as strained peas and spinach so they develop a taste for it. Good point perhaps. But, the way I've felt lately, I've wondered if their "natural" aversion isn't because their poor little tummies aren't developed enough to process it.
I've learned a new thankfulness for some of our convenience foods, like Pop Tarts, that at least pretend to give me some nourishment and vitamins and are convenient and not upsetting to my tummy.
I'm also wondering if it might not be practical, for a few more weeks anyway, to not go out and buy a bunch of groceries, but to keep some cash on hand so I can get food I actually feel I can stomach. When all I have is spinach in the freezer and my body needs doughnuts, what will I do?!

More work stories

So I just signed a copy of a new policy at work regarding use of the internet, email, messenger etc. I think I just agreed that I have no expectation of privacy when using these things for personal use and that the personal use won't be excessive or get in the way of doing my job. Does this mean I'm not supposed to be blogging?
Hm, probably...
Anyway... it's been a long day and I'm done for so I can't think anymore. I think I'm also pretty well caught up for the week. So, here I am to complain and get it out so I don't take it home for the weekend.
The solicitors are required to turn their stuff in by 10:30 each day. Mostly this is to give my people time to get it inputed into our system by 2:00 deadline. The group that brings in the most on Friday didn't get here until after noon last week. I said something and the guy just kinda brushed it off like I was telling a joke. He was kind of filling in for the boss so I thought maybe I should mention to the boss that it was that late. Later I decided I should have told the guy, not "tattled" so I didn't say anything to anyone. How un-assertive of me!
Today, this guy was here as soon as I got here this morning. I couldn't even clock in on time because I was getting stuff for him. Even so, when the boss stopped by to ask something well past 11, I still didn't have any orders. I asked him what they were up to and he went on and on about the problems they were having. I said, you know I'm supposed to have them by 10:30 right? Oh, no, he thought that was only on Monday blah blah blah. I explained our process a bit and felt I was a bit assertive in saying you better be on time. Even so, it was 12:30 before I got any orders from them.
This put us so far behind. I get stressed so easily. I'm really trying to think of keeping a peaceful and serene environment inside me :) But, I can't help it. The thing is, I knew the only way we could get it done is if I really stepped up and did it. I gave each of my people 20-30 and asked my supervisor what we could do. The people around me have to "close" at the end of the month and that's what they were all doing today. Whatever it entails, they are all super busy and not available to help me today. My supervisor tried to get customer service to help but they too had reasons they couldn't. So, little old me took 90 orders and got them all done in about an hour.
It's hard to talk about work without explaining everything, which gets really boring really fast. But basically, I could get the orders started for customers and then go back later and put in all the office information that's really what takes a long time. Even without splitting it up like that, I still don't know why I can go so much faster than the other people who's job it is to do this. It frustrates me sometimes because I feel like I have to do it all. Other times, I'm more patient knowing that my poor people are just as stressed and working just as hard as I am, even if not performing with the same results. It's just tough.

The People in My Neighborhood

There's a lady at work in customer service that is a bit odd. (Well, there is more than one, but this one in particular...). She's a bit old and small and skinny and asks the same questions week to week. Sometimes her questions don't really make sense. The team I work in does all kinds of stuff, so we get a lot of questions from and give help to customer service. Sometimes when this lady comes over, after she leaves, people kind of joke about whatever she was asking. I really don't think it's mean spirited, just kind of confused about trying to figure her out. Sometimes, it's a bit frustrated because someone had just explained that to her last week and, given that she's worked here for years, she should know it anyway.
I heard the other day that this woman's live in boyfriend died. She'd been out of work for at least a couple days, but I heard it one day and she was back to work the next and it didn't seem like she'd been gone very long. Perhaps, probably, I just had no reason to notice her absence.
It made me very sad. She is an odd person, but she's not even one of those people that you wonder what love must feel like to them because they are so bossy and controlling or maybe even just socially inept. This woman kind of seems like a shell of a person. Like you know someone's in there, but you never really see it come out. But, no matter what a person is like, to lose someone you love, hurts. And this made me very sad for this person.
To make matters worse, yesterday I overheard some people joking about her. I didn't really listen because it was making me too upset and I was busy, but they were close enough to me, I couldn't help overhearing a bit. I think these people were joking about what kind of person the guy must have been to be half of a couple with her. I generally respect the people that were making the jokes and can think that they were just being like that in that defensive way I think we all sometimes get when something is sad- we make jokes that really could be hurtful and in bad taste if anyone out of your immediate group overheard.
Anyway, I keep seeing this little lady and I feel so sad I almost cry. I wonder if anyone ever hugs her or even just lets her talk? And I'll make excuses for not being the one to do it by saying I don't really know her and she seems to be the kind of person that wouldn't warm up to you if you did try.

On a lighter note, another woman at work loaned me a book a while back. I think I blogged about this. I walked in on her and someone else talking about it and simply made a comment like "that sounds neat" and so she gave it to me. I didn't really want to read it. I really had a bit of a gut feeling that I wouldn't like it. But, I felt obligated and eventually did read it. There were parts of it that hit me badly, just because of my own experiences. In general, I didn't find it well written and there were other things that bothered me about how it approached a lot of the subject matter.
When I returned the book, I managed to thank her graciously and not say too much about hers and the other woman's gushing about how great it was. Of course, for me, this was all one big awkward situation I had to blog about in order to handle :)
It turns out that this lady has a whole library of these types of books and she seems to LOVE lending them to people. This, in theory, is a fun idea. She insisted on lending me more books. I didn't know how to decline. When she forgot the next day, I was a bit relieved and didn't say anything. But, later in the week, she left them in my cupboard with a note (she's only here part time so I don't see her regularly). I took them home and had them for a long time. I ignored them. I looked at them. I just didn't want to read them and it was becoming more on principle at this point.
One weekend, I was a bit bored and felt like reading SOMETHING, so I got out one of her books and read through the first chapter. If I was in a better mood or if it was a different time of year or my circumstances were different, I probably would have had fun reading this. But, I just couldn't get into it. Eventually, she asked if I'd had a chance to read them yet. I played it off, "oh, I was just thinking I need to get those back to you." I forgot to bring them the next day and wasn't quite sure what I would say when she asked how I liked them anyway. This awkward situation was getting painful! But, she was going to be gone the rest of the week so she told me to leave them in her cupboard and she'd get them on Saturday. In the meantime, she'd already brought me the next book in the series!
Yikes! I suppose my "lies" were catching up to me, although, I don't think I actually lied, I just tried to avoid the conversation. So, when I returned the first two books, I brought the next one back and left her a note saying we'd been rearranging our house (not a complete lie) and I was afraid I'd lose it so I'd just get with her later about borrowing it. I hoped this would defer the situation and life would go on.
Well, it's been a couple weeks and today, perhaps just making conversation, she asked me about rearranging furniture etc.
This is getting really awkward. Why is she so insistent that I borrow the book? Should I just borrow it and pretend to read it again? I think the series is one of those where you don't really have to read the one before so maybe I could just read it and figure out how to tell her no for the next one?
I'm so silly really. But, I just don't feel like reading these particular types of books right now and I'm so afraid of hurting someone's feelings I don't know what to do!

Gimme a break! (mmm, kit kats)

I've listened to the Christian radio station a bit more again lately. For a few days I seemed to click on it at the same time during my drive to work and they were playing the same clip from a previous show.
The morning DJs are a married couple who I think adopted a daughter somewhat recently. They've had the little girl on there before talking about her toys or whatever. Well, now it's time for the little girl to go to pre-school (maybe it's kindergarten, but I think only pre-school). The clip starts with the dad saying something like "That's it! Just take her out of school right now!" in his smooth, calm voice. Then it has the mom on the phone saying "I just dropped her off for school and as she's walking up the stairs and some little boy comes up and says hi and they hold hands and walk in together!" in her squeaky, pretend freak out voice. The parents, apparently, are appalled but kind of in an isn't that cute way.
This drives me nuts!!! Okay, the kids are in pre-school, so holding hands is something they probably do all the time- with mom and dad, siblings, teachers and nannies, and their friends. It's NOT a sign or symptom of immorality. Secondly, even if the kids are like "this is my boyfriend" or have that way of thinking, holding hands is SO innocent. If it's not, I'm pretty sure it's the parents' fault for letting the kid know there is any more than that out there. Kids just don't have those hormones etc. driving their behavior. Even "playing naughty," I think, is pretty innocently and curiously driven and should be handled with care.
As I thought about this and how much it bugged me (as I said, I had to hear it for a few days in a row) I remembered when I was in 3rd grade, one day I spent the afternoon talking to and working with a kid on something. For this reason alone, I decided he was cute so I asked him to be my boyfriend. He said he had to ask his mom. This was probably a Friday because I remember it being a few days before he told me he wasn't allowed to have a girlfriend and by that point, I didn't even really care. As a grown up, I think it's kind of silly that the mom would care. I also understand the mom's need to teach the kid what is right etc. I'm just saying, it really was harmless.
I had a friend in college who had a 2 year old daughter. The daughter had a tank top she loved to wear. The mom, hoping to instill modesty in her daughter from the beginning, wouldn't let her wear it without a shirt underneath it. Again, I get it, but also again, it seems pretty silly to me. She's two! She probably still has to have help going to the bathroom. I think the modesty thing will come in time.
Another time on the radio station they had the little girl on the show talking about her dolls. They're some kind of Christian faith dolls that come with story books about values. As they talked about them incessantly, they sounded like the "righteous" version of the American Girl dolls my sister had when she was little. I think the American Girl dolls are beautiful and high quality. Each one is a character based at a certain time in history and her books tell stories to teach kids what was going on at that time period- slavery, the Great Depression, etc.
The radio station seemed to refer to the "other" dolls, the "secular" dolls as if they were sub par. The Christian dolls were so much better because they focus on things that really matter. Okay great, but doesn't history and society and education matter too?

Complain complain

If I don't complain, you won't know it's hard or appreciate what I'm doing or be willing to help me. I'll just go along doing what I do, struggling inside, with everyone oblivious to what I feel. In a way, complaining is my way of sticking up for myself. Not for glory/recognition, but so that I won't get lost and taken for granted and forgotten.

Lately, I've been noticing how much Jeff's mom does for him and his brother (and by extension me and his brother's family). She keeps giving and being there and going and going. I think this says a lot about her as a person and as a mother. As a mother, you want to give all you can and help your children. I think as women we naturally try to keep people from hurting, needing, even wanting. It's part of our nurturing. But my concern lately is that all she does goes unappreciated and starts to be expected.

If mom takes care of everything, you don't learn to take care of yourself.
If mom takes care of everything, you might not appreciate your spouse because you think it's just how things get done. You don't realize that it's hard to come home from work and cook the dinner or take care of the dog. You don't know that it's not fun to clean the toilet and do the laundry. You don't know that it's a gift or an acknowledgement of you when your spouse stays up playing games with you rather than crashing into bed of exhaustion.

It goes both ways. Do I appreciate you and all you do and give and are?

I'm determined to be strong and brave. I am determined that I won't eat a lot and be fat, lazy and ornery just "because I can," I have an excuse now. But that is getting harder everyday.

I don't want to be crude, but this is the best example I have to try to make my point. Perhaps I'll delete it after typing it. When I hit puberty, my biggest fear was anyone knowing when I was dealing with girly stuff. A bigger fear than that was getting married and not only sharing a room with someone, but a bed with someone you want to cuddle and snuggle with. To my surprise and happiness, it has not been a big deal at all.
That said, there are times when I've felt just gross and disgusting and like "stay away from me." I've realized in some of those moments, I'm insisting on feeling that way because really I hope that he'll hug me and tell me he loves me and wants to hold me anyway. I've also realized that it's my insistence, not his grossed out-ness, that keeps that from happening. One day it dawned on me that he's a boy. He has no way to relate to what's happening to me. It's up to ME to tell HIM that it's normal and fine and not gross or anything to be afraid of. This is hard for me to do.

It's hard for me to tell him that I've had a hard day at work and I need something.
It's hard for me to tell him I need help with all my "housewife" duties when I have to do them on top of working etc. And it's not that he takes it for granted, but my point is, I"m teaching him this is my job and "mom/wife" takes care of everything and I'm fine, even when I'm not.
And now, feeling the way I do and facing something completely new and scary and hard, I'm so insistent with myself that I will be strong and not bother him with emotional outbursts and being sick and tired, that again, I'm teaching him that this is how a woman should be treated. This is how I should be treated... like everything is fine and I can do it ALL.

Autumn

Today is the first day of Autumn, according to my calendar at work. It was gray and rainy and cold this morning. I even wore a jacket to work. Isn't it great!?

Friday

Probably as soon as I get logged in, I'll get really busy- I am at work. I honestly don't like it when my last post was a complaining post (I know there are lots!) and it's the most recent post for more than a day or two.
So, just thought I would let you know that this week is going much better. Monday was rough and I honestly wondered how I would survive this. But Tuesday was slow and I was able to get A LOT of work done and felt caught up to myself. This has made the rest of the week so much better. I'm expecting today to be busy, but at 10 a.m., I am just waiting for everyone to arrive at the 10:30 deadline. My morning stuff went really fast today. Yay! Gives me a minute to check out blogs etc before the rush comes.
I don't have much to say I guess. Just trying to have my latest post be a more positive one. I do have another "blog" I'm thinking of opening up. Up to now, I've used it more as a journal. It seems like now may be a good time to "make it public" to my oh so large fan base :) Not that it's that interesting. But, another insight into fabulous me :)
Hahahahahahaha

What's the title of my blog?

When Jeff lost his job, I was excited to have him home at night. For the first couple weeks, he managed to get on my schedule- he was up during the day and slept at night. But, he kept staying up later and later until eventually he was back to his graveyard schedule. He'd stay up all night and sleep while I was at work, but at least he was up with me in the evenings. He just keeps rotating though. The last couple days he's on a sleep from 1 in the afternoon until whenever and then stay up all night and all day. Today is Friday. He's asleep and I feel lonely. Am I too understanding and not demanding enough? Perhaps.

It's been a really rough week. We have a solicitor that has been giving out gift cards with his orders- not just him, but his whole group of reps. This is okay, we have solicitors that do that, it's part of their sale. But this one didn't know that it had to be approved and regulated by the big boss guy. Basically the big boss guy has to include the amount of the gift card in the price of the order (you can't get nuttin' fur free!) for auditing purposes. This particular solicitor group brings in anywhere from 150 to 300 orders each week. Because of this problem, when it comes to auditing, none of these orders for at least the last three months can be counted as actual circulation which is so important because circulation is how they charge the advertisers which is the real way a newspaper makes any money. (Just to give you an idea, the solicitors are paid up to $40 per order and the customer usually is paying at most $27- it's not the customers' purchases that profit the paper!). This has made a big mess for my job. I've had to come up with all new codes to track orders from here on out, communicate it to my people who actually enter the starts in our system and try to make it as painless for them as possible. I've had to go back through his most recent orders and recalculate everything. And today, in order to fix this problem, my boss brought out 600 orders she'd pulled from our system to have us re-do them in order to make good for the audit. It wasn't too bad a process since they were all in the system already and we just had to change them, but a lot of extra work. Not to mention, EVERYONE was late turning their stuff in today, so what would have been a reasonable load was overwhelming as we pushed for deadline.

I of course have been stressed with bills this week as well- it's payday week and my payday doesn't cover much. I'm a high stress person when it comes to this anyway. I worry so much over it all. This week, I've been especially self critical. I wonder what I'm doing wasting myself at a clerical job that doesn't even require a college degree that I know of (admittedly, I've had raises and more responsibility given to me because I'm a smart person, but it's not what I went to college for). I wonder how I could be so stupid to have so much debt that Jeff losing his job has driven us into such dire circumstances. I'm disheartened greatly because I lived my life to be debt free, well educated, and have a simple life. My only dream, the only aspiration that is immovable in my mind, is to have babies and be home with my children. Now, it all feels just sucked away from me.

What started as a good note, we spent three evenings this week at ITT Tech talking to someone about getting Jeff into school. He has decided to go into computer networking which I think would be a great field. The guy we've been talking to has been very positive and Jeff has actually been a bit excited and motivated about this. (At least I think so). One of the first things we told the guy was that we were concerned about funding it. Frankly, I think anyone loaning us money at this point would be really stupid on their part. But, the guy was very reassuring and there were all these options etc. Even better, we could defer payments and the loans that Jeff has now that we have a hard time paying would be deferred as well. It doesn't necessarily sound smart to me, but it does sound hopeful. It would give us a chance to pay off some credit cards and I think school is a worthwhile investment. It would fix some of our financial problems for now and give us a chance to catch up- or so we would hope.
Well, I was right. Anyone willing to lend us money would be stupid. The financial aid person didn't seem overly helpful. We would be able to get federal financial aid in the form of loans. (It really does scare me to take on more debt!). But it wouldn't cover all of it. And the one place that they go to for the rest of the loans doesn't want to give us any. I'm not sure what happened to the options the guy was talking about?! And we told him at the beginning that this would be the biggest obstacle and ultimately the deciding factor.
Jeff is very good about rolling with the punches. We'll just talk to the people (I had to call about the loan to find out so they didn't know it wasn't approved) and tell them we didn't get it and see if there's anything else we can do. If there are no other options, he won't go and we'll figure out what's next. Isn't that a great attitude!?!?!
I've spent today feeling like crap. I feel like our debt, our problems, are all my fault and I'm not good at this wife thing (why it's all my responsibility I'm not sure, but I don't even ask that question- I just feel it).
I did look up some things at the community college that would be much more affordable, if he feels like he could get the focus and attention he needs. Perhaps the federal loans would cover this? We haven't had a chance to look at or talk about them yet because he's sleeping.

Anyway, it's just been a really blah week. I'm really struggling. I want something so different for my life than where it feels like it's at. I just don't know how to get it. I really wish we could run away to Alaska and live in a small town, completely debt free. I'd settle even for a little house in Lake Point. I want my babies and to play house while Jeff goes to a job he loves that gives us enough to live on. I don't even ask for a lot that way.

They say if you visualize it, you can make it happen. They say put your intention out there and let it manifest itself - a trust in the universe type thing. They say God will provide, have faith. I think I believe these things. It's just hard to get to them when you literally feel the weight of the world sitting on your chest keeping you from breathing.

Playing with pics

This is my back yard. We are on the bottom floor of our apartments. The bottom of our windows is ground level. I love the way that feels. Our windows are still plenty big and sunny. This is the yard we see out our bedroom windows.

This is my dog Niobe (pronounced nie-o-bee but we usually call her no-bee or just puppy). She's neurotic. Seriously. Thus, she is afraid of the camera. I thought if I took her and it outside and took pictures of the trees, she'd see there was nothing to be afraid of. At least I hoped to sneak a good picture. This one came close, but she moved her head as soon as I pushed the button. Oh well. It's still pretty good for seeing what she looks like. You can kind of tell what a pretty face she has and that her body is normal size but her legs are short and stocky. I always think of her as a big wiener dog. She's actually a basset hound/beagle mix. Jeff calls her a bagel!

Thursday 4:20 p.m.

I started a nice long complaining blog but of course was interrupted and I guess people think I work here!
It has been a crazy week. I started typing about some of the issues I've had just to try to clear my head and get a grasp on things. It got really boring. I just have had so many issues dealing with dishonest solicitors, people who don't care, people not following through with their job so I have to fix it all! I'm very tired and I really haven't felt well this week. Poor me hu?
It's finally time to go home. I think I'll cry, or maybe throw up. Just one more day and then I'm sleeping ALL weekend!

Almost a year and a half!

I am so excited! I finally have been able to put some pics on my computer!
In honor of September 24th being our year and a half anniversary, I can finally post some pics from our honeymoon. Hehehe.
This was the fake scenery by the pool where we stayed. It's kind of blurry. I think the pic makes it look a lot bigger than it was. But still, it was pretty and we spent a lot of time in the pool because it was A LOT less crowded than the beach. A bit disappointing, but still great!






These are Jeff scuba diving in the ocean! We were able to do two dives. The first we were too busy getting set up to take pictures. The second, my ear hurt bad enough I didn't dare go down again- wimpy wimpy! But this allowed me to take pictures of Jeff. Pretty place eh?

A Woman's Place is...

I have been trying to write a blog for over a week now. Kinda the same stuff I'm always talking about lately but trying to express it better. Emily's comment on my last post got me thinking about it again... it's something I've felt for a while.
Basically it comes down to, it's hard to work. It's hard to be somewhere for at least 8 hours a day that requires me to be strong, assertive, in charge, in control. I say that and feel very wimpy. Because Emily said it, it validated me. I think that working makes it hard to be a woman. I think sometimes that this place takes away from my femininity.
Now I'm going where I keep running into a wall. By saying this, I not only sound wimpy, but very very sexist. I like to argue that I majored in a hard science, a very male dominated field, so I can't be THAT sexist. I do believe that women should be educated and allowed to pursue any so called manly interest be it math, science, sports, mechanics, whatever. I'm just saying that it shouldn't be required of a woman to have to be hard and tough and strong.
Which brings up the next stumbling block to my posting. I wrote a whole long thing acknowledging all the strong, working mom's I know or have known. I really don't want to sound critical of anyone who has chosen to work or who has to work. But that's not really the point either.
I want to whine and complain about how hard it is to go to work and then go home and take care of everything on the home front. I only have me, Jeffrey and the dog! I want to insist that throwing a pregnancy and especially the baby on top of everything I'm doing is just too much for this damsel in distress. But it's not to complain. It's more like I think if I could solidify it in empirical evidence, the world would have to change in order to follow some grand design or directive.
But really all I'm trying to say, again, is when I think of having babies, I really want to be home to take care of them. That if we have this free agency and this feminist right to choose, then I'm going to choose to be home with them. I know I could be a better mom if I could focus on the children and not try to fit them in between work and... well, work. I want my feminine, God given qualities to flourish.

Well anyway, perhaps I will someday be able to write an eloquent and persuasive blog about this. But, kind of in the same regards, Jeff is still out of work. We are feeling desperate financially, but I don't really feel desperate yet because I feel like we haven't REALLY tried yet. It's like we're still figuring out what's next or something.
Jeff's brother came to see him yesterday and apparently his wife has a great job where she could really pull some strings. The job she could apparently get for Jeff isn't anything he'd want to do for the rest of his life. Honestly, I believe he could do better and hope he'd want to pursue more than a mundane job. But, it's good money and it would get us through for a while. He thought he would look into it.
It turns out, the only shifts they have available are swing shift- sometime between 2 in the afternoon and 10 o'clock at night, give or take a few hours. Jeff told his brother he can't do that. It's too hard on a marriage. His brother insisted that Jeff doesn't have kids to go home to and that the weekend is plenty of time to see the wife. Jeff insisted that he wouldn't put that strain on us and the weekend is not enough time if you actually like your wife.
I was very proud of him. Perhaps, financially speaking, he should take what he can get. But I am so glad to have a husband that cares about things like spending time with me and being there for each other at the end of the day. I think this also shows faith and courage. At some point, maybe soon, we may be desperate enough that he'll just have to take what he can get. But it shows he wants something more. It shows he cares about me. And I think it may have taken more strength to defend his beliefs to his brother than we might initially give him credit for. He'll say he doesn't care what his brother thinks, but it must be hard being a guy who doesn't drink, have tattoos, or sleep around when other guys think you're weak, boring, etc.

Sunday's Thoughts

There is a member of our family who is very needy. Sometimes it's hard to give to her because we feel like she expects too much and/or manipulates things. But, she is a good hearted, kind person.
I've been reading the Bible and Jesus didn't say love your neighbor only if they are lovable. He didn't say give charity only if it's convenient and the other person really deserves it. In fact, he said the opposite. He said not only to love our neighbors but to love our enemy. He said when someone asks a mile, "go with them twain." Even if you're sued in a court of law (which to me sounds pretty confrontational) and someone takes your coat, give them your cloak also. (Matthew 5:38-48)

It seems to me, we do a lot of explaining and justifying of ourselves. As with my family member, we think she needs tough love or doesn't deserve our compassion because she hasn't done enough to help herself. I'm not saying we should be taken advantage of or neglect ourselves, but I am saying we need to think more about it and give more charity and act in more faith.

I think our religion is one that teaches goals, hard work and independence. In a general sense, I think our American culture is based on the idea that God helps those who help themselves. I've heard it explained as a Puritan ideal- work hard and earn your blessings to prove that you are favored of God.
But again, this is not what the Bible says.
Perhaps it's just whats on my mind lately but I am really amazed as I read how unwordly Jesus' message is. I've aways know that but as I try to apply it to my life where I'm at now? I understand why he would address us as "ye of little faith."
As we try to come terms with his teaching, we justify and explain it all away. We are told to keep the sabbath day holy, but how many of us think it's okay to get called in to work or take the shift because we have to provide for our families? I'm not judging because we do what we have to do. I'm just trying to point out that when it really comes down to it, acting on faith is harder than what we were taught in primary.
"But seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you."
I believe the kingdom of God is our own home and families. This of course easily extends to helping our neighbors, doing missionary work, serving in the church, even acting with integrity at our jobs. But I think that his KINGDOM is in our homes.
As a woman, to seek first the kingdom of God means I will make a home that is happy, spiritual, uplifting. I will care for and support my husband, recognizing the different roles, characteristics, and needs men and women have. I will have children and teach them all that I know and help them to have confidence and courage and to be good, honest people.
If I focus on these things, if I seek them first- as in the forefront of my mind, heart, and actions, I will need not "take thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself.
For your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.
If God so clothe the grass of the field... shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?"
(Matthew 6:24-34)

So, as the bills pile up and money is something we just don't have, my Puritan genes tell me I must work harder, that I'm shirking my duties and before I'm even pregnant with my first baby, I feel doomed. Healthy meals get set aside for convenience. Family prayer, dinner, even playtime for the dog get interrupted and neglected because I'm too tired. I sometimes even feel disconnected from my home and it's just a place I go after work.
But what I need to do is focus more on these things. Seek them first and have faith. Not work more for money and bills. Seek the baby first and have faith that God will provide.
Work for the kingdom of God.

Filters

What a week this has been!
I'm sitting here now, just stealing a minute to clear my head and catch my breath. Phewf! I'm too tired and emotionally drained to read any real news, so I clicked onto something on the MNS webpage. Can't even remember what or why. Anyway, I was reading some article about relationships and looking at the other articles it had linked on the page. Phooey! What a bunch of crap. I wondered why we think any of these people really know anything? Then I realized how easily I filter some things but other things just kinda stick in my head. There are some people who I give no credence to at all! If they were to give me advice or even if I just over heard their opinions on certain topics, I wouldn't give it a care in the world, unless of course it was to think how off the mark they are or realize what a different world they live in. But then I'll read the same kind of thing in a magazine written by some "expert" and think the world is falling apart. I better watch my thoughts more closely. It's funny how every once in a while I have to remind myself that you can't believe everything you read. And even if you do and even if it's true, it doesn't mean it has to be part of your world. Just toss it out with the trash.

Not SO negative Nancy

Monday was a busier Monday than I've had in a while, and that's saying a lot. Tuesday and Wednesday haven't slowed down much either. I feel at any given moment that there are a million things I'm doing and supposed to keep track of. I don't like that feeling. It makes me not like what I'm doing and get mad at my job and wonder what the point is.
I tried on Monday to be constructive about my criticism and have a good attitude. My thoughts and attitude really do make a difference and, even though it's hard, I'm learning to control them at least a little.
Through Monday and into Tuesday, when I found myself feeling like "I hate my job," I tried to ask myself what it is I don't like. When I felt like I was so stressed I could cry or scream, I realized I didn't have to feel that way. It is just a job and it's not worth getting so frazzled over. This helped. I thought that maybe if I could identify real things I don't like, not just say I'm stressed and crazy, I would be able to change it, fix it, or at least ask for help.

1. I don't like the feeling of stress and feeling like there is more to do than I can get done. I am a very responsible person and I take it seriously when I have a job to do. I don't always like that feeling. Monday, there was TOO much to do.
2. A lot of people have needed my help this week. I like helping people. I also have a hard time saying no or setting limits. I feel like people were asking things of me that are not my job and other people were asking me things that they should be able to do by themself. I don't like feeling like I'm doing it because someone else is too lazy or, frankly, dumb to do it themself. I don't like feeling like if I don't do it, it's not going to get done.
3. Kind of the same thing, but I really don't like feeling unrecognized and unappreciated. I don't like it when I'm going out of my way and really doing more than my share to help someone and they treat me like they just expect it. When I'm running myself ragged to help them and they don't even realize it. Is this pride? I kind of don't like that I feel this way. It's like I want recognition or something and I don't think (or want to think) that's why I do things. But, sometimes, I really feel like no one has any clue how much work I'm doing and that's very frustrating and overwhelming and lonely.

So, it is a bit constructive to try to logicate (hahaha- great word!) these feelings. I can see that what I don't like isn't coming so much from this particular job, but in how I look at and respond to things. Any job would probably be the same. That helps.
It also makes me think of things I could use help with or make some changes with. At least there is action in that thought rather than just being overwhelmed by emotion, legitimate as it may be.