I know I blog too much about my appearance and what some think is wordly, superficial concerns. And I start each blog this same way and feel a need to apologize. But for those of you who don't mind talking about it (Mom? Khrys? Are you there?), read on....
Not long before finding out for sure that I'm pregnant, but pretty sure I was, I went to the store on a Saturday morning. I just ran over for a few necessities and, not feeling so hot anyway, threw on my sweats. I never care until I get there that I look less than stellar. Walking across the parking lot, I thought about how I looked. It was weird in that moment because I thought of myself being someone's mom, not someone... I don't even know how to explain it. I imagined being there with my kids and the image I wanted to portray was much different than I've ever thought about it before.
Of course, meeting Jeff and getting married, you stop thinking, in a way, of attracting the opposite sex, whether you're really concious of these thoughts or not. I never before thought of myself as sexy or alluring or anything on those lines, but I think that even when I wasn't thinking about it or trying, I was always trying to look pretty or even look a certain part when I ventured out in public.
I've floundered a lot with my appearance since getting married. It's been strange to me. It's almost like I don't even know what styles I like or how I want to look. I've thought it's just a new identity I've taken on in life or something. But in this moment, walking into the store thinking of myself as a mother, I realized I really am stepping into a whole new role. It's someone I've never been before in my life.
I'm thinking about this stuff today because as I start to feel a little better, I feel like getting ready in the morning. This, I suppose, makes me critical of my recent letting go; I feel like I'm doing good if I'm clean and dressed and at work, forget the looking good stuff.
My pants are also getting too small and uncomfortable. Today I thought I would wear a skirt. I have lots of pretty skirts and a lot of them are loose and comfy. I wore an outfit that once would have been my favorite- in my quirky, dorky self way; a look I felt I pulled off or at least didn't care if I didn't in college. My skirt is very pretty; I'd like to find more tops to go with it. I like to dress it down a bit with a hooded sweatshirt, in a pretty color, and usually flip flops or sandals. Today is cold so I wore sneakers that I bought for the very purpose of being able to wear them with skirts (the quirky, dorky thing). I got sick after I got out of the shower this morning, so that left no time for my hair or make-up. Perhaps it's just being at an office, but I just feel really lacking in the outward appearance today. But what I decided is, this casual, care-free look just isn't working for me anymore. Natural and comfy I want to hold onto, but not care less and undone. It's time to grow up.
When I think of being a mother, I forget to imagine the baby cereal in my tangled hair and the need to wear big, loose, cover everything shirts. (I'm actually looking forward to that! haha). But I want to be a bit... elegant or polished. I want my children to know what it means to be a lady. Not stylish and competitive looking with my 16 year old daughter. Not stuffy and unable to get down on the floor and wrestle with my toddlers. But pulled together and pretty. I just want to be pretty.
Another thing I'm noticing about myself today is how I always talk in questions and like I'm seeking advice. Okay, lots of times I am. But sometimes I realize I talk this way and it bothers me. I DO know something and CAN make up my mind about some things all by myself. It bothers me when I start to feel like I'm talking down to myself by doing this. I also realize that it's almost an avoidant behavior. If I can get you talking, I don't have to commit to any ideas, opinions, etc. I can keep my precious secrets to myself and not lay them out there for someone to stomp all over. I'm doing the same thing with this discussion of my looks. Like I want to end by asking for someone's opinion or advice or help. As if I can't stand up and say for myself...?... I even started with an apology. "If you're reading my blog, I'm sorry for what I'm saying?" That makes sense.
So, advice anyone??? :)-
4 comments:
I so envy your abbility to want to look pretty. Even these days now that I am married and a mama, I still have a problem remembering that I can be pretty if I make a little effort. I am such a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl!
I applaud your desire to look pretty and dress up. I know that I enjoy doing it, but it takes so much effort and money that sometimes I don't. You have reminded me that a little effort can go a long way, and I can look pretty and be me and still be alive.
Thanks you awesome awesomer! I hope you got to vote. Steven doesn't have absentee either, and he things its a good idea to register that way next time. :) Polling places are a pain. Cheers!
Oh, and P.S. you make me smile every time I read your blog. Thanks for that too.
I am so proud of you....you're perfect.
I like the t-shirt and jeans look. I guess with myself, I feel like I can wear that in a cute, pulled together way, or I can just be sloppy. I think I need to be careful to not be sloppy.
Today I wore real make-up... well, kind of, but I did wear just a touch of eyeliner. I think I look more awake. :) Anyway, wouldn't you know it, I squirted grapefruit juice in my eye. It really burned and because I had make-up on, I couldn't just splash water in my eye (not for vanity but because make-up in my eye would make it even worse!). Perhaps I was being punished for my vanity :)
I'm quite sure I know how you feel and I want to talk about it, but I don't know what to say. I keep thinking I'll blog, but that doesn't happen either. Sigh..oh well.
You should know that you always look cute and very well put together. I guess it's feeling like you do that's the hard part. I wear the same old things over and over. My hair is never how I want it. And usually all I see is the next mess commanding me to clean up. If we can find a way to get past that, we'll be doing something, huh? How do the French manage these things??
Post a Comment