Some phiolosophies claim that we bring into our lives what we most need to learn. I guess it's not that different than believing in fate or that God has a purpose for us- even to the point that our challenges are tailor made. I don't know if I believe any of that? But I have been thinking of events in my life over the last couple years that have all made me feel about the same. Why would I bring these controversies into my life? What am I trying to learn?
Perhaps I'm hoping for something that will push me over the edge and justify a scream. Something to finally make me stand up and say "Hey! I exist! You can't treat me like this!"
I remember when I was younger actually having the fantasy that I was a mute child genius artist. I thought that then people would have to listen to me- because they couldn't hear my voice, they'd have to look into my art to really understand me.
Why am I so afraid of hearing my own voice? What do I think will happen if I begin to speak? Sometimes I get so flustered and start stuttering or honestly just don't know what I think or feel. But sometimes I think the truth is, I do know. It's in there somewhere, but if even I am not listening, why bother? I think sometimes that I am my most prized possession and that's why I hide me from the rest of the world. I don't trust it to value something as precious as I am. Other times, I just feel rather worthless, or at least like everyone knows better.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! I'm here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
