We are now the proud owners of all five available seasons of Smallville. When I used to watch the show on t.v., my "girl crush" would have been on Chloe. She was spunky and smart and had her own fashion sense. It kind of bugged me that Clark's main interest was Lana, the pretty, soft spoken cheerleader who seemed so typical of what girls are supposed to be. Watching marathons of the show now, I "crush" more on Lana. Somehow I'm relating to her more.
In one episode, there is a love potion that the cheerleaders are using to "keep their jocks in line." Somehow Chloe gets some and she goes haywire over Clark. The potion makes it so whoever drinks it will do anything for the one they love. In one scene, Chloe wears a cheerleader uniform and is being all cutesy for Clark. In another, she is trying to be seductive.
For as cute as Chloe is, for as nothing wrong with her as there is, this look, this style, this way of acting, just didn't fit. The actress looked cute and I'm sure she could pull off the cheerleading character in another show, but the character of Chloe didn't fit. In the seductive scene, she is wearing Clark's football jersey and, I think, the look is incredibly cute and sexy. But when she starts behaving like the seductress, it almost makes me laugh.
I don't really have girl crushes on anyone. But in a way, that's what it is. When I watch t.v. shows and movies, I'm looking for role models or heros or to relate to the female characters. It's been good for me to watch Smallville because here are two completely different girls, but they are both the "hotties" of the show. It all depends on personal style and taste- for the individual as well as for the guys we think we are trying to attract. It was good to see Chloe trying to behave more like what we think we're supposed to be and see that it just doesn't fit. But, when she is just being her unique self, she is completely adorable.
Jeff and I went shopping last weekend to get some needed apparel for our trip to Hawaii. It was so much fun. We've never done that before and it was fun to share and experience that side of each other. We were looking for shorts for him, in the men's department, when I found a pair I wanted for me. I haven't worn men's shorts since high school and felt like I was reverting back to a style I tried so hard to "improve" on or even let go of. I can't actually imagine a guy wearing this pair of shorts, but I couldn't stand there with the love of my life- the guy who's supposed to think I'm cute/sexy/pretty... all those things... and say I wanted to buy a pair of guy's shorts- that's not cute/sexy/pretty... all those things. But I could see them looking so cute with the right top and I did say it to him. I went and tried them on and they were cute. Not cute in a Lana Lang, Miss USA, or even Chloe way. They were cute in a JoAnna way.
I told Jeff at some point that I feel out of touch with myself. I don't even know what I like lately. He said it's because I keep trying too hard to please other people or even change for what I think he wants. Later, standing in line, we were talking and he told me of the kind of girls he liked in high school- what they wore and what they were like. I felt like he could have been describing me. It was such a good, eye-opening thing for me! I told him what I always think he'd be attracted to and he seemed confused, maybe even offended, that that's what I think he would like. I told him of how I've tried to change since high school and he told me what he likes about me that shouldn't change. I don't know how I think- it's like I believe he fell in love with me, but he'd probably love me more if I was a little more this, a little less that... how sad that I would treat myself that way.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Friday, March 16, 2007
Countdown
I'm down to one week until my wedding's eve. Can you believe it!? Last June it seemed too far away and now...
Things are going smoothly, I think. I sometimes feel overwhelmed, but when I can stop and enjoy it for a moment, everything feels fine.
Yesterday we went and picked out Jeff's tux. It is going to be so cool. Different than what I imagined, but what do I know about tuxedos? A bit different than traditional, but very very classy. While he was being measured etc, I found a tie I wanted for our dads. I thought it would be nice to have the dads in matching ties, especially since mine will be walking me down the aisle and his will be officiating. The ties are light blue with a kind of flowered print, but not floral at all. It almost looks like someone carved flowers into stone tiles, but very soft. If you're fortunate to be one of the few at the wedding :) be sure to notice! I'll let the tux be a surprise.
The day or two before that, we went to pick up our rings. Mine had to be sized and Jeff's was on special order because the metal goes all around the ring and they can't size it at the store. When we got there, they couldn't find Jeff's. We waited for five minutes or more before they finally found the paper work and told us it wouldn't be ready for another week. What!? I panicked, forgetting that was still enough time, but really, why tell us a date it would be ready if it wasn't going to be there?
We also got our marriage license, which was a lot easier than I expected. Tonight I go try on my dress for the last time to make sure everything is going to work and then, I think we take it home.
I feel like these are big things to get done and finished. They make everything feel like it's really happening. It's exciting!
Things are going smoothly, I think. I sometimes feel overwhelmed, but when I can stop and enjoy it for a moment, everything feels fine.
Yesterday we went and picked out Jeff's tux. It is going to be so cool. Different than what I imagined, but what do I know about tuxedos? A bit different than traditional, but very very classy. While he was being measured etc, I found a tie I wanted for our dads. I thought it would be nice to have the dads in matching ties, especially since mine will be walking me down the aisle and his will be officiating. The ties are light blue with a kind of flowered print, but not floral at all. It almost looks like someone carved flowers into stone tiles, but very soft. If you're fortunate to be one of the few at the wedding :) be sure to notice! I'll let the tux be a surprise.
The day or two before that, we went to pick up our rings. Mine had to be sized and Jeff's was on special order because the metal goes all around the ring and they can't size it at the store. When we got there, they couldn't find Jeff's. We waited for five minutes or more before they finally found the paper work and told us it wouldn't be ready for another week. What!? I panicked, forgetting that was still enough time, but really, why tell us a date it would be ready if it wasn't going to be there?
We also got our marriage license, which was a lot easier than I expected. Tonight I go try on my dress for the last time to make sure everything is going to work and then, I think we take it home.
I feel like these are big things to get done and finished. They make everything feel like it's really happening. It's exciting!
Friday, March 09, 2007
Because I Have To
So I had some time this morning and was typing about the same old stuff but in a somewhat different light, but I didn't get anywhere and deleted it all. I had a work lunch meeting and as I was sitting there, it dawned on me... the answer: because I think I have to.
The question:
I told Jeff today that I still find myself worrying (it's more like fretting actually) that we'll offend people by who we have and haven't invited to our wedding. He asked why I care so much what people think. Not a new question. I've been bothered by that for a long time.
I think I'm a people pleaser because I'm generally a nice person and just want people to feel good and be happy. To go a bit deeper and be more selfish, it is a kind of defense. I'm trying to avoid conflict. I've psycho analyzed that to death. Even deeper, I'm afraid of disapproval. That gets a bit trickier to figure out. Why would it hurt me so much to have people disapprove of me when objectively I don't even respect many people's opinions?
But sitting in my meeting today, for some reason, it was so simple. I worry what people think because I think I have to. I try to please people, putting my own feelings, needs, opinions aside, because I think I have to. It's like it's hard wired. I've always thought if I talked and thought and analyzed it enough, I'd work out some deep emotional trauma and THEN I could get over it. It hasn't worked. Perhaps realizing that it's simply a trained response will help.
Yesterday Jeff asked me a question and I knew the answer was "Yes! Definitely!" What actually came out of my mouth was "Well, kind of." I'm not afraid of him. I wasn't too afraid of the topic. It's just the way I talk. It got me thinking that maybe I just need to talk differently. It's not a deep psychological issue (well, that could be where things come from, but to change it...) it's just a behavior. Perhaps if I changed some behaviors some of the psychology would change with it. (Where was I in psych101?).
I need to say "yes definitely" more often and try to get rid of the "well kind of."
I go into a store to look at flowers for my wedding and I start apologizing and explaining and feeling pressured and stressing out and trying to think of what the sales person wants at my wedding... because I have to act that way. I worry about what the woman at work that I think is not a nice person and isn't pretty and only kind of dresses well will think of what I'm wearing... because I have to think that way. I answer with "maybe kind of, well ho hum"... because I have to. I feel stupid and make mistakes when talking to people at work... because...somehow!... I think I have to.
Isn't that weird?
The question:
I told Jeff today that I still find myself worrying (it's more like fretting actually) that we'll offend people by who we have and haven't invited to our wedding. He asked why I care so much what people think. Not a new question. I've been bothered by that for a long time.
I think I'm a people pleaser because I'm generally a nice person and just want people to feel good and be happy. To go a bit deeper and be more selfish, it is a kind of defense. I'm trying to avoid conflict. I've psycho analyzed that to death. Even deeper, I'm afraid of disapproval. That gets a bit trickier to figure out. Why would it hurt me so much to have people disapprove of me when objectively I don't even respect many people's opinions?
But sitting in my meeting today, for some reason, it was so simple. I worry what people think because I think I have to. I try to please people, putting my own feelings, needs, opinions aside, because I think I have to. It's like it's hard wired. I've always thought if I talked and thought and analyzed it enough, I'd work out some deep emotional trauma and THEN I could get over it. It hasn't worked. Perhaps realizing that it's simply a trained response will help.
Yesterday Jeff asked me a question and I knew the answer was "Yes! Definitely!" What actually came out of my mouth was "Well, kind of." I'm not afraid of him. I wasn't too afraid of the topic. It's just the way I talk. It got me thinking that maybe I just need to talk differently. It's not a deep psychological issue (well, that could be where things come from, but to change it...) it's just a behavior. Perhaps if I changed some behaviors some of the psychology would change with it. (Where was I in psych101?).
I need to say "yes definitely" more often and try to get rid of the "well kind of."
I go into a store to look at flowers for my wedding and I start apologizing and explaining and feeling pressured and stressing out and trying to think of what the sales person wants at my wedding... because I have to act that way. I worry about what the woman at work that I think is not a nice person and isn't pretty and only kind of dresses well will think of what I'm wearing... because I have to think that way. I answer with "maybe kind of, well ho hum"... because I have to. I feel stupid and make mistakes when talking to people at work... because...somehow!... I think I have to.
Isn't that weird?
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Journal
Haha! I found a new template. I've been thinking of just starting over with blogs... perhaps when I get married and become Mrs. JoAnna Robb... like a new start, clear out all the old ramblings. But as I've looked around, even some of the dumb and embarrassing blogs were part of the journey. I don't want to lose that, I just want a fresh look. So, here I am!
When I was eight years old, I got my first journal. Journal writing is taught as part of my religion. When I was little, it was hard to write everyday like I thought I should. I have a lot of entries that say "sorry I can't write tonight, I have to go to bed," because I thought something was better than nothing. Once I started high school, I wrote in my journal at least once a day as a way of keeping sane! For a while I even had a journal and a diary. The diary was for silly things- like boys and nonsense. The journal was for permanent things. Eventually, I learned that it was all the same. Sure, I might be embarrassed about a particular crush of the week once the week was over, but all the feelings and experiencese were a part of me. My journal and diary fused into one.
In college, one of my favorite things to do would be to find a place- my space!- to be between classes and I would write on anything I had- scratch paper, napkins, sometimes a nice notebook.
Talking to myself really has kept me sane.
It's funny that in the last year I have rarely written in my journal. When I first found interest in my fiance, I wrote a lot. But as we started dating, I guess I just didn't have time. In a way, with our marriage just weeks away, I feel bad that I haven't had more time to just think and relish in all that has happened. I've been too caught up in the wonderful whirlwind.
Blogging has been a good thing for me. I try to be competent and express something thoughtful or interesting. But some of them end up just being my thoughts and feelings o'thee day.
I decided with my last blog, that's what I need. I kept trying to pin something down. But the words on the page came out jumbled and random... but it did me so much good! Like writing in my journal used to be. I'd write, pause, stare out the window, then start writing again, wherever my mind had journeyed.
I suppose what I'm saying is, like an introduction to my new blogger phase, this is my journal. My personal thoughts and feelings. (Shouting them out on the internet?, well, maybe not quite). Being me, I need to apologize and/or preface it all with explanation. I know I don't write as well as some, I know I'm not as thoughtful as others, and I'm pretty sure my topics of thought are just down right boring or obnoxious to others. So, sorry. But it's mine... Thanks for listening and being the voices in my head.
When I was eight years old, I got my first journal. Journal writing is taught as part of my religion. When I was little, it was hard to write everyday like I thought I should. I have a lot of entries that say "sorry I can't write tonight, I have to go to bed," because I thought something was better than nothing. Once I started high school, I wrote in my journal at least once a day as a way of keeping sane! For a while I even had a journal and a diary. The diary was for silly things- like boys and nonsense. The journal was for permanent things. Eventually, I learned that it was all the same. Sure, I might be embarrassed about a particular crush of the week once the week was over, but all the feelings and experiencese were a part of me. My journal and diary fused into one.
In college, one of my favorite things to do would be to find a place- my space!- to be between classes and I would write on anything I had- scratch paper, napkins, sometimes a nice notebook.
Talking to myself really has kept me sane.
It's funny that in the last year I have rarely written in my journal. When I first found interest in my fiance, I wrote a lot. But as we started dating, I guess I just didn't have time. In a way, with our marriage just weeks away, I feel bad that I haven't had more time to just think and relish in all that has happened. I've been too caught up in the wonderful whirlwind.
Blogging has been a good thing for me. I try to be competent and express something thoughtful or interesting. But some of them end up just being my thoughts and feelings o'thee day.
I decided with my last blog, that's what I need. I kept trying to pin something down. But the words on the page came out jumbled and random... but it did me so much good! Like writing in my journal used to be. I'd write, pause, stare out the window, then start writing again, wherever my mind had journeyed.
I suppose what I'm saying is, like an introduction to my new blogger phase, this is my journal. My personal thoughts and feelings. (Shouting them out on the internet?, well, maybe not quite). Being me, I need to apologize and/or preface it all with explanation. I know I don't write as well as some, I know I'm not as thoughtful as others, and I'm pretty sure my topics of thought are just down right boring or obnoxious to others. So, sorry. But it's mine... Thanks for listening and being the voices in my head.
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Much aBlog about Nothing
The other day I came across an online article about Miss America (Miss USA?). She had been seen in NY partying, drinking, "clubbing" and she was underage (because if it were "legal" it would be an okay thing for Miss America to be doing?). Somehow the beautiful Donald Trump owns the pagaent and it was up to him whether to fire her or not. He decided to give her another chance. Her reign is coming to an end, so this article was a blurb about what comes next for her and discussed her second chance and all the experience she gained in rehab. She is now 21 and even though it's legal for her to drink, she said "alcoholic addicition" is something she'll have to face everyday. At the top of the article was a picture of her in a bikini. She is beautiful.
I tried writing a blog on the day I read the article. I had been dealing with a couple women at work that week that... really don't look like Miss America. But they are really sweet, funny, smart girls. I tried to come to some conclusion, some interesting thought or insight into the female mind but it was lacking. All I guess I was trying to say is that it was quite a shock to me to realize that no matter what Miss America is like on the inside- she could be a mean, immoral, stupid, alcoholic addict- and I would still look at her and wish I was as beautiful as she is.
It's all on the outside and I wonder (or realized?) just how shallow I am.
As I recently blogged about, I've given up wearing make-up. Well, I haven't given up my make-up-aholic addiction cold turkey, but for the most part I've been going without it. I feel like it's been quite an experience. A blog worthy experiment. But somehow it's hard to express it.
There have been surprisingly many days when I've looked at myself and been happy to realize I'm not ugly. I even have felt pretty and dressed up without putting make-up on. There are other days when I've felt so ugly I almost cry. Sometimes, it even feels objective- I can't go to work in a semi-professional environment and not do more to fix myself up (of course this was on days when the clothes and hair-do/lack of were bothering me too).
I mentioned that when I'm with the love of my life, it sometimes (often) feels better to have a clean face with my hair out of the way and just wear comfortable clothes. I know he loves me. I believe we have something strong. And obviously I'm not so shallow as to not realize that love is more than skin deep.
Even as I type, I realize I'm censoring myself though. I say I've felt pretty, I say I feel better with him... and even though these things are true, I say them almost more because I feel I have to. Like the feminist voice out there (or is it in here? in MY head?) makes me say them so that it's more "okay" to say what I really think and feel. I look at Miss America and cry because I'm not that pretty. I'm going to Hawaii on my honey moon and I feel bad that I can't wear a bikini and look that "hot" for the guy I love. The other day we had been arguing about something and when we made-up and things were okay, I seriously started crying because I felt sad I'm not more beautiful for him.
Before anyone jumps to conclusions and wants to come to my rescue, let me say that it's ME, not him. He reassures me that I'm the most beautiful girl to him and that he's proud of me. I've told him that I want him to be proud of me. Especially in a scenario, for example, if we ran into his ex-girlfriend. I'd want him to say "LOOK! at how much better I have." And I know that in that situation it would almost all be based on what's on the outside.
At first, what I struggled with not wearing make-up is that I felt like I couldn't do anything to be pretty for my man. But what I've come to realize is that it's not about him, it's about me. I need to feel pretty in order to accept that he loves me. I need to feel pretty in order to believe he is proud of me. What I don't understand is why it is so based on the outside.
Media. Psychology. Men and feminism. Perfectionism. Society. Peer pressure. I could give examples in all these of things that maybe affected the way I think and feel and have made me what I am today. It's probably a combination of all of them.
It's funny because as I type, the thing that's been the most helpful is admitting to myself that I want to look a certain way. Perhaps that is what it all comes down to. It doesn't matter who told me it's better to look one way than another or whether that's right or not, I have to admit to my beauty-aholic addiction (don't they say the first step to recovery is to admit you have a problem?). Maybe it would be self defining for me to stand up and say I want it. Because I feel like I'm not supposed to. It does bother me that I would look at a Miss America and feel bad about myself for not having what she does and think that she is anything better than anyone else just because of what she looks like on the outside and I wouldn't think twice about the sweet women at work who don't look like that when they have much more admirable and desirable characteristics. I feel like I'm supposed to have good self esteem and not be un-educated enough to buy into the pressures of media and worldly views. And even worse, how un-spiritual and un-God like can I be to look so much at the outside? And then to talk about it and not only bore people with my blogs, but probably insult the women who don't wear enough make-up or wear too much or whatever anyone is going to think I'm directing at them... Hm.
I want to look like Miss America. I want to think like Albert Einstein. I want to be as spiritual as Buddha. I want to be as artistic and poetic as.... ? I want to be as happy as Walt Disney. I want to live with the integrity of Pres. Hinckley. I want to be as kind as my first grade teacher.
(Just a note. That could be the problem. Notice that only two of the people mentioned are women. I don't like other women much- not in a spectator sort of way. I have friends and family that I admire greatly but from a distance, there aren't many admirable ones. Maybe that would help me. I remember one night watching a movie in which the main character's whole persona was what I want to be like. She was cute inside and out and had qualities I like to think I have. The next day at church the girl speaking was so polished and smart and pretty. I thought I would like to be like her. But then the girl from the movie popped in my head and she was just as good as, but quite different from the girl at church. It helped me to admire the church girl but not feel like I needed to change who I was).
I tried writing a blog on the day I read the article. I had been dealing with a couple women at work that week that... really don't look like Miss America. But they are really sweet, funny, smart girls. I tried to come to some conclusion, some interesting thought or insight into the female mind but it was lacking. All I guess I was trying to say is that it was quite a shock to me to realize that no matter what Miss America is like on the inside- she could be a mean, immoral, stupid, alcoholic addict- and I would still look at her and wish I was as beautiful as she is.
It's all on the outside and I wonder (or realized?) just how shallow I am.
As I recently blogged about, I've given up wearing make-up. Well, I haven't given up my make-up-aholic addiction cold turkey, but for the most part I've been going without it. I feel like it's been quite an experience. A blog worthy experiment. But somehow it's hard to express it.
There have been surprisingly many days when I've looked at myself and been happy to realize I'm not ugly. I even have felt pretty and dressed up without putting make-up on. There are other days when I've felt so ugly I almost cry. Sometimes, it even feels objective- I can't go to work in a semi-professional environment and not do more to fix myself up (of course this was on days when the clothes and hair-do/lack of were bothering me too).
I mentioned that when I'm with the love of my life, it sometimes (often) feels better to have a clean face with my hair out of the way and just wear comfortable clothes. I know he loves me. I believe we have something strong. And obviously I'm not so shallow as to not realize that love is more than skin deep.
Even as I type, I realize I'm censoring myself though. I say I've felt pretty, I say I feel better with him... and even though these things are true, I say them almost more because I feel I have to. Like the feminist voice out there (or is it in here? in MY head?) makes me say them so that it's more "okay" to say what I really think and feel. I look at Miss America and cry because I'm not that pretty. I'm going to Hawaii on my honey moon and I feel bad that I can't wear a bikini and look that "hot" for the guy I love. The other day we had been arguing about something and when we made-up and things were okay, I seriously started crying because I felt sad I'm not more beautiful for him.
Before anyone jumps to conclusions and wants to come to my rescue, let me say that it's ME, not him. He reassures me that I'm the most beautiful girl to him and that he's proud of me. I've told him that I want him to be proud of me. Especially in a scenario, for example, if we ran into his ex-girlfriend. I'd want him to say "LOOK! at how much better I have." And I know that in that situation it would almost all be based on what's on the outside.
At first, what I struggled with not wearing make-up is that I felt like I couldn't do anything to be pretty for my man. But what I've come to realize is that it's not about him, it's about me. I need to feel pretty in order to accept that he loves me. I need to feel pretty in order to believe he is proud of me. What I don't understand is why it is so based on the outside.
Media. Psychology. Men and feminism. Perfectionism. Society. Peer pressure. I could give examples in all these of things that maybe affected the way I think and feel and have made me what I am today. It's probably a combination of all of them.
It's funny because as I type, the thing that's been the most helpful is admitting to myself that I want to look a certain way. Perhaps that is what it all comes down to. It doesn't matter who told me it's better to look one way than another or whether that's right or not, I have to admit to my beauty-aholic addiction (don't they say the first step to recovery is to admit you have a problem?). Maybe it would be self defining for me to stand up and say I want it. Because I feel like I'm not supposed to. It does bother me that I would look at a Miss America and feel bad about myself for not having what she does and think that she is anything better than anyone else just because of what she looks like on the outside and I wouldn't think twice about the sweet women at work who don't look like that when they have much more admirable and desirable characteristics. I feel like I'm supposed to have good self esteem and not be un-educated enough to buy into the pressures of media and worldly views. And even worse, how un-spiritual and un-God like can I be to look so much at the outside? And then to talk about it and not only bore people with my blogs, but probably insult the women who don't wear enough make-up or wear too much or whatever anyone is going to think I'm directing at them... Hm.
I want to look like Miss America. I want to think like Albert Einstein. I want to be as spiritual as Buddha. I want to be as artistic and poetic as.... ? I want to be as happy as Walt Disney. I want to live with the integrity of Pres. Hinckley. I want to be as kind as my first grade teacher.
(Just a note. That could be the problem. Notice that only two of the people mentioned are women. I don't like other women much- not in a spectator sort of way. I have friends and family that I admire greatly but from a distance, there aren't many admirable ones. Maybe that would help me. I remember one night watching a movie in which the main character's whole persona was what I want to be like. She was cute inside and out and had qualities I like to think I have. The next day at church the girl speaking was so polished and smart and pretty. I thought I would like to be like her. But then the girl from the movie popped in my head and she was just as good as, but quite different from the girl at church. It helped me to admire the church girl but not feel like I needed to change who I was).
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