Poor me

Sunday was such a nice day. It seemed like everything at church helped me think and I found answers to a lot of questions. I was determined to do and be better about things. Then Rayne and I went to my parents house. Rayne talked to James (my other baby :) like they were best friends. She went outside and played ball with Aunt Khrystine and Grandpa. She was quite happy and that made me happy.
Then later, after I'd come home, someone said something that I had to try really hard to not let myself take it the way it was entering my head. I was pretty sure they didn't mean it that way and, trying to hang onto my Sunday school lessons, I was trying to not be hurt by it. Then Jeff told me something and again I'm sure he didn't mean it the way it felt, but as I sat putting my baby to bed, I cried. I gave up and let the hurt and bad thoughts fill my head. I sat staring out the window, feeling hurt and sorry for myself and lonely. It's probably not really healthy for her, but sometimes I just hold Rayne because of the peace and happiness I get from her.
Anyway, as I sat in my sad place, I thought of my earlier day and wondered why I would "let" myself feel this way now. I must like it, I thought meanly about myself. Instead of defensively saying why would anyone want to feel this way?, I let myself answer. I like to feel this way because it is safe. In the moment, I felt like every time I get happy, every time I get my head on straight, someone slaps me down and kicks me in the head. It's just easier to feel the sad and sorry for myself because then they can't hurt me. I'm already there. I'm already guarded. And I saw my whole attitude as a defensive stance.
Not sure what to think of this, even a few days later, but it seemed like a good insight.

Unfinished thought

Love means to learn to look at yourself the way one looks at distant things. For you are only one thing among many. And whoever sees that way heals his heart, without knowing it, from various ills.
Czeslaw Milosz from "Love"

I found this quote in an old magazine the other day. I'm not quite sure what it means, but for some reason, I liked it.
Today as I lay on the bed with my baby, I saw my reflection in the t.v. Unclear, I saw mostly the outline of myself. This thought flashed in my head and I tried to see as an observer from the outside, rather than someone who knows me so intimately. It was interesting to see my shape, with no preconceived notions. I looked rather normal, and I liked it.
We are always looking from the inside, at what comes toward us, at our own reaction. Perhaps even a mother or lover, those that love us the greatest and most intimately don't see us the way we see ourselves. They are looking from the outside, with some distance.

Day of Rest

When I asked my sister in law if her kids were as clingy as mine, she looked at me like I was silly. "Don't you remember?" she asked. "But then one day, you'll leave and when you come back they won't even care... and then you'll know you've done a good job."

Jeff's birthday was Sunday so we planned an outing for the weekend. We were just going to go to a movie and leave Rayne with her Grandma and Great Grandma. Because she's been SO clingy lately, we later decided just a lunch date would be better. We went to his Grandma's, where we still have stuff, including her crib (fyi, we brought the crib home and she slept by herself!) and hung out for a bit. She was happy to play alone but when I went to leave, feeling like I gave her no clue whatsoever, she started to cry. We decided to go for a walk and I took her out to her stroller, kissed her and told her to have fun with her grandmas. Jeff and I left.

It was so strange to be without the baby. We went to the Olive Garden. It was the fanciest date he and I had ever been on. We were a bit surprised by the prices but tried to just enjoy ourselves; I even had a real Coke. I ate TONS of salad. He ate lots of breadsticks. And our pasta was to die for!
After lunch, we went to a game store to look but not buy anything. Then we went back to grandma's.

We walked in the front door and stood there, waiting for Rayne to notice. She was playing by the couch with magnet letters. She finally looked up and saw us, seemed a bit surprised, then turned back to her grandma and continued playing. I was VERY happy. She was FINE!
Eventually, she got a bit clingy and snuggly with me and that was fun too.

This is the first time Jeff and I have gone out alone since last August. I feel sad to admit that it was nice to have a day to ourselves. I missed Rayne the whole time, but it was like I needed a break. Is that bad to say? I was so much better to handle her crying and not willing to sleep in her bed that night. And, eventually she settled and did sleep in her bed (not sure if it's because we got her crib- which she seemed very happy to play in, or because I was patient and nice when she was having a hard time instead of the flustered and not knowing what to do I was getting to the last few nights).

My Quest for Normal

Being pregnant, I learned the wonderfulness of the word normal. I was elated each time I went to the doctor and was told that everything was normal. My symptoms were normal. Her heartbeat was normal. Her growth was normal. The ultrasound was normal. She was born normal.

Growing up, I was always the teacher's pet kind of kid. I was, in some sense of the word, my dad's favorite. I was the smart kid. I was the good kid. I don't think I ever thought of myself as normal and I never wanted to be normal if it meant being like everyone else.

Recently I've seen two girls (I say girls but they were around my age, not little girls) who I thought I would have a crush on if I were a boy :) I saw the first when we stopped in to see Jeff's dad on a Saturday morning. He and his wife are in the band for the pentacostal church they go to and they have rehearsal on Saturday mornings. The girl playing keyboard was apparently struggling with the new song. The guitar player and drummer and she were working to figure it out. Even though she looked a bit frustrated, it was the kind of frustration of being in your element; "I don't get this, but I know I will." I took note that she was quite normal looking.
She wore sweats and her hair wasn't "done," but she was wearing make-up. There was just something about her that was very appealing. Perhaps it was that sense of being where she belonged, the inner self shining through even to the casual observer.

The second girl, I guess I wouldn't say I had a crush on, she just stood out. She was in a choir in church a few weeks ago. She reminded me of someone I kind of knew in high school. I kind of knew a lot of people, being too shy to really claim a lot of friends as more than a friend of a friend. As I watched the choir girl, I found myself wishing that I would have been comfortable enough with myself in high school that I could have been friends with this girl. She and her best friend just had an air about them. They were confident and comfortable enough to not have to fit in even though they didn't necessarily stand out; they weren't the obvious stand out and rebel because I'm not a cheerleader types. They were just them.

I guess I've always expected more of myself. If I'm not the best, the favorite, the smartest, etc, it's just not enough. To be honest, how often am I the best? Not ever. I've always said I can get the A-/B+ grade, I just can't quite make the A. And I'm okay with that except I think it's not good enough for anyone else. Well, to be honest, it's probably just me that expects that of myself. So even when it comes to how I look, I think I'm supposed to be this glamour queen and I think that I am always failing. At my best, I'm still just one step short. I suppose this all sounds very vain. I never think of myself that way. It's quite the opposite really. The bar I've set for myself is just too high and I always think I'm a failure for not reaching it.

As I took note of these two girls and the feelings I had, I told myself that maybe for once in my life I need to realize that normal is better than okay. It's what I want. I will never be that glamour queen I think is pretty. I might not even have that girl next door Miss America perfection I think I try for. Perhaps I'm just me. And perhaps that is okay.

Maybe my beauty comes not from the outside, but from my inner qualities as well. When I was teaching and hopefully now as a mother I'm in my element and perhaps that gives me an attractive quality I don't see when I just look in the mirror clouded with all the images I've picked up out there. It's really hard to remember. But maybe normal is okay...

On the Move Again

We have been moving again... I say sort of because we are moving from Jeff's grandma's to his mom's. We basically got enough stuff like we were just staying for the weekend and most our stuff is still at his grandma's waiting for a "big move" day... or something. We are staying in the guest room and trying to figure out if we will take over the basement or just stay in the guest room and still take over the basement with toys etc.
It's stressful for me. I have put even more stuff in storage and am really beginning to feel invisible. Rayne's beautiful crib is still at grandma's and she is sleeping in a "pack-n-play." She is nearly on the floor and was again up every two hours last night. Not easy on Mama's back! She does NOT seem to adjust to change well and has always been like that; the smallest change in routine completely throws us off. Also, last Thursday night, Rayne and I were both up all night sick with the flu (I guess). I was so sick on Friday, I couldn't move and it was horrible feeling like I wasn't taking care of her. Luckily, she mostly wanted to sleep too and we could just snuggle on the couch. But then, not feeling THAT much better, I got up and tried to pack us up on Saturday and get us to our new place. Not fun especially when I was still dealing with baby diapers and throw up.

So anyway, I am really positive. Sorry to complain.
Rayne is doing a lot better but still fussy and not real great. On a good note, it's beautiful where we live now (Lake Point). We take long wandering walks and talk to horses and llamas and dogs. Rayne calls everything a dog, but is trying to say the new words. A lot of people have a lot of irises in their yards. These used to be my favorite flower and I am remembering why. They are so graceful and strong but delicate looking. Today we walked up a hill of a road. It felt very country. From the top we could look out over the little city and out to the Great Salt Lake. On the way home I felt rejuvenated enough to run (don't be impressed. I'd run for about two seconds and then have to walk to catch my breath, but...) Rayne laughed a lot at going fast. So, life can't be so bad, right?