Sunday was such a nice day. It seemed like everything at church helped me think and I found answers to a lot of questions. I was determined to do and be better about things. Then Rayne and I went to my parents house. Rayne talked to James (my other baby :) like they were best friends. She went outside and played ball with Aunt Khrystine and Grandpa. She was quite happy and that made me happy.
Then later, after I'd come home, someone said something that I had to try really hard to not let myself take it the way it was entering my head. I was pretty sure they didn't mean it that way and, trying to hang onto my Sunday school lessons, I was trying to not be hurt by it. Then Jeff told me something and again I'm sure he didn't mean it the way it felt, but as I sat putting my baby to bed, I cried. I gave up and let the hurt and bad thoughts fill my head. I sat staring out the window, feeling hurt and sorry for myself and lonely. It's probably not really healthy for her, but sometimes I just hold Rayne because of the peace and happiness I get from her.
Anyway, as I sat in my sad place, I thought of my earlier day and wondered why I would "let" myself feel this way now. I must like it, I thought meanly about myself. Instead of defensively saying why would anyone want to feel this way?, I let myself answer. I like to feel this way because it is safe. In the moment, I felt like every time I get happy, every time I get my head on straight, someone slaps me down and kicks me in the head. It's just easier to feel the sad and sorry for myself because then they can't hurt me. I'm already there. I'm already guarded. And I saw my whole attitude as a defensive stance.
Not sure what to think of this, even a few days later, but it seemed like a good insight.
5 comments:
It is a strange thing we do to ourselves when we tell ourselves that being sad is the safest and easiest thing to do. In reality, its hard on our body, our spirit, and every other aspect of life.
I still believe that our bodies become conditioned to the hormonal and emotional responses we have because of mental thoughts. Its not that we feel safer that way, its that our cells that makeup our body need those emotions and their associated chemical responses to feel normal. We become addicted to the chemical release associated with negative thoughts.
The hardest part of breaking out of self depreciating thoughts is getting through the "withdrawal" we experience when we don't allow those hormones to be released by being sad.
On the flip side, I think a big problem I have with church is that for those of us who DO suffer from depression, we always think that if we just DO more or Do better, those things should leave us.
Its a fallacy and a lie to think that we are doing something wrong, or we are broken. We are not broken and we don't need to change.
We are strong, vital, important women, and no matter what you think you need to change, those things remain TRUE.
Don't believe the fallacy that YOU can do better. Just be happy where you are in the moment, with who you are in the moment, and dismiss the negative thoughts as UNTRUE. I repeat..the negative thoughts are UNTRUE. Your Savior accepts you as you are RIGHT NOW. You can do the same.
You are beautiful, intelligent, vital, and one of the most caring and kind people I know. Focus on your positive traits, ride out the withdrawal when your body wants those negative emotions, and start thrive!
P.S. I don't think its bad for your daughter to be a balm and comfort for you. Quite the contrary. I think that is what babies are for. They are meant to help heal us.
P.P.S. Sorry if this sounds preachy. I'm sorry. I just rant a lot. My intention is to help you feel better about yourself because I think you are awesome. I hope you feel the love. Literally.
Emily I love your thoughts. Thank you for sharing and caring. My brother once talked of our attitudes as being addictive. I was thinking more psychologically but your mentioning of chemicals and hormones that make us feel normal makes so much sense. So... I've been thinking about that and trying to keep it in mind and it helps. It also helps if I just get out and walk or something and produce happy chemicals. Or sometimes I just need to eat something healthy. Any other ideas?
I think you came to my conclusion... what I was kind of sensing but couldn't put in words.
You are so sweet. Do I have ideas? I have tons of ideas. Don't take me too seriously. I may be right or wrong, and I can only tell you what works for me.
I think a combination of things is needed to overcome our habitual depression, and it takes time to change it all. Overcoming our bodies natural appetites for depression and the chemicals associated with them takes time so diligence and consistency is the key to success.
One of the things that has helped me tremendously is exercising. You already mentioned getting out and walking which is great. I've been doing intense, break a sweat exercise videos, and that has helped a lot. There is nothing better than getting in shape and feeling strong physically. (Its "Jillian's 30 Day Shred" if you are interested).
I also think its important that you retain part of your identity by practicing your talents even while being a mom. Make sure you take time each day to love yourself and your gifts and try out something new or do something that makes you happy because its all about you. Get selfish and focus on yourself instead of your husband or your baby. I usually do what I like while my son is napping. Thats enough to keep me going from day to day, but even then I need a break to go out and do what I like.
And, surround yourself with uplifting people. I recently made a decision to literally cut out family members that bring me down, which means I won't be talking to them anymore. There is no point being with haters or people who say things that hurt. Yes, we need to love and forgive, but if you find that you are depressed and miserable, you don't have to live with it and suffer simply because you are being "nice." Again, get selfish and take care of your emotional needs first.
And..focus on what you love about life, AND use positive affirmation statements. Literally argue the negative thoughts away since they aren't true, and then use positive statements to reinforce the truth about who you really are.
And lastly, I have found that diet is just as important as exercise. Eat whole foods, lots of fruit, veggies, whole grains, lean meat, and organic as often as you can afford it. Chemicals we ingest effect our hormones in our bodies more than we realize. (This is my latest discovery and biggest need for improvement).
Anyway..that all sounds extremely simplistic and almost trite, but this is what I have found helps me out when I feel down. As I have exercised daily, eaten right, and gotten rid of the haters in my life, I've gotten happier, feel more capable, and its made me a better mom and wife.
If you ever need to talk, please feel free to call me. I will send you my phone number via email.
:D
Hang in there! You are so wonderfully intelligent and thoughtful that I can hardly imagine that you would have any self doubts.
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