I've heard/read that it's good for a couple to fight. If done constructively, it gets feelings expressed and problems solved etc. It made sense. Sometimes I think it would be good for my hubby and me to have a big blow up fight. It could be good for me to stick up for myself or let it out or whatever. It's good to know that we still love each other after these things happen. And, sometimes, we come to understand something about the other person we didn't see before.
Jeff and I don't fight much. Sometimes I think we never fight, it's more like emotional outbursts- something bothers me or I have my feelings hurt, I try to get over it and then cry about it. He'll be bugged by something and let me know and we'll get over it. Once in a while, we have a fight where we're both just out of patience or seeing things differently and we get emotional rather than calmly talk it through. For the most part, I feel like we communicate well and are able to express ourselves and consider each other's point of view.
But, I'm not so sure the fighting thing is a good idea. I once told Benny, my best friend, that I would never say anything insulting to him or anyone else that I knew they actually might be bothered by. For example, if I was mad at my friend who had blue freckles and was self concious about it, I would never bring that up in an argument. I would never make fun of that, no matter how hurt I was. Fighting that way is immature and not "constructive." Even so, I know that in fights, things get said that you can never take back. Sometimes I get upset about something and find so many reasons or examples to back it up, so many past occurences that justify what I'm feeling in that moment. But, once the fog clears, a lot of those things don't matter. A lot of those feelings aren't really something that even bother me on a day to day basis. They are things that should be let go of. Sometimes my husband says things when he's upset or will talk about things that upset him and maybe it's just the way he says it even, but what gets said hurts me. It's an emotional cut that has to be healed and cared for as real as any physical cut.
My problem is, emotional cuts are hard for me to heal. Years later, I can think of something someone said or an emotion that I felt and still remember just as clearly, exactly what it felt like. So with that, when my feelings get hurt, it's like I feel it forever. It's a defense. I'm protecting myself. If I can change your misunderstanding, I will forever be trying to prevent you from saying or feeling that way to or about me. If I think you will hurt me, I will go out of my way to avoid whatever it was that will cause that to happen, even if it means closing myself off.
Maybe it's about forgiveness. Maybe part of loving someone is, unfortunately, the potential for hurt feelings, misunderstandings, and emotional blow ups. So with that needs to come forgiveness and letting go. How do you do that?
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
To Kiki
Something the other day reminded me of an episode I watched of "America's Next Top Model." For the photo shoot in this episode, the models were dressed in elegant but simple, flowing dresses, long hair (many of them getting extensions), and soft, glittery make-up- a rather ethereal look. Then they were put in pairs and had to get in a swimming pool of freezing water (it just happened to be the time of year, location etc, not like Fear Factor) and posed floating on the water. It was quite a stunning visual; I imagine it would make a very effective ad campaign or magazine spread.
Tyra Banks, the supermodel who runs the show, kept telling the girls they had to not look cold for the pictures. She said that as a supermodel, they will be asked to pose in swimming suits in the snow and heavy coats in scorching sun. They had to learn to not let that discomfort show. One girl was very good at not letting that come through in her pictures. Eventually, however, she started shaking so badly they had to pull her out of the water and give her medical treatment. She was starting to hypo(hyper?) thermeate. Then Tyra told her that you have to know your body and it's limits and it's up to you to let the photographers know when you have to stop or need a break. At the end of the show, when they all get evaluated, look at pictures, and ultimately one girl gets sent home, the (constructive?) criticism for this girl was that as a super model she would be asked to perform in these harsh conditions and the judges didn't know if she had the strength for it. It was a bit of a challenge, perhaps even just in her own mind, to see if she could "pull it together" and do this- was it really her dream etc- or did she have to come to terms with the fact that her body would not allow her to go to these extremes?
I was reminded of this episode thinking of such things as panic attacks, depression, fears and anxiety. I was thinking of people (or maybe just one person) I know who, it appears, has let her whole life stop because these things have become so overwhelming. I say "let" her- I try not to judge because I don't know what it is like for her. But, a part of me does know what it's like- at least I think I do. I go to work everyday having to fight this feeling inside of me... I don't know if I can even describe the feeling. It's different everyday. Some days it's a great stomach ache. Other days it feels like every muscle in my body has been electrically shocked. Sometimes I just feel like crying and am tired. Most days it's a much more subtle, general challenge of just feeling good about myself and trying to hold onto confidence.
A few weeks ago I went to dinner with my parents, little sister and her (our) friend. My sister and her friend are starting their second years of college. I was truly amazed at how beautiful, smart, articulate, talented... simply wonderful... both these girls are. As they talked about current events, politics, poetry, philosophy, and where they are going with their lives, I was truly awed by and excited for them. There is no doubt our friend will go far in her career and life choices. She is so sure of herself that I'm sure life will open up all the possibilities for which she seeks.
My sister on the other hand... I fear she will hold herself back. I fear that she will "let" anxieties and unsureities get in her way. She is every bit as capable as our friend, but there are these stumbling blocks.
I fear this not as criticism but because I saw it that day in myself.
I too am beautiful and smart and educated and have my talents. But, have I gone as far as I could have with them? Have I gone as far as I want to with them? Am I like the girl who's dream it is to be the supermodel but her body won't let her? Am I like the other acquaintence who needs to get past herself and not "let" things get to her? Is there a choice there or do we have to submit to what life gives us? I've come to believe in my life that if you're only five feet tall, you won't become a basketball star no matter how talented you are or how hard you work at it. We raise our kids saying you can be or do anything you set your mind to- it's the American dream- but I don't know if that's a reality. We have to know ourselves and I think learning to live with your shortcomings is part of that, even if it means knowing what you can't do. On the other hand, I don't want to be like these people I know or see that do in fact LET things stop them.
Tyra Banks, the supermodel who runs the show, kept telling the girls they had to not look cold for the pictures. She said that as a supermodel, they will be asked to pose in swimming suits in the snow and heavy coats in scorching sun. They had to learn to not let that discomfort show. One girl was very good at not letting that come through in her pictures. Eventually, however, she started shaking so badly they had to pull her out of the water and give her medical treatment. She was starting to hypo(hyper?) thermeate. Then Tyra told her that you have to know your body and it's limits and it's up to you to let the photographers know when you have to stop or need a break. At the end of the show, when they all get evaluated, look at pictures, and ultimately one girl gets sent home, the (constructive?) criticism for this girl was that as a super model she would be asked to perform in these harsh conditions and the judges didn't know if she had the strength for it. It was a bit of a challenge, perhaps even just in her own mind, to see if she could "pull it together" and do this- was it really her dream etc- or did she have to come to terms with the fact that her body would not allow her to go to these extremes?
I was reminded of this episode thinking of such things as panic attacks, depression, fears and anxiety. I was thinking of people (or maybe just one person) I know who, it appears, has let her whole life stop because these things have become so overwhelming. I say "let" her- I try not to judge because I don't know what it is like for her. But, a part of me does know what it's like- at least I think I do. I go to work everyday having to fight this feeling inside of me... I don't know if I can even describe the feeling. It's different everyday. Some days it's a great stomach ache. Other days it feels like every muscle in my body has been electrically shocked. Sometimes I just feel like crying and am tired. Most days it's a much more subtle, general challenge of just feeling good about myself and trying to hold onto confidence.
A few weeks ago I went to dinner with my parents, little sister and her (our) friend. My sister and her friend are starting their second years of college. I was truly amazed at how beautiful, smart, articulate, talented... simply wonderful... both these girls are. As they talked about current events, politics, poetry, philosophy, and where they are going with their lives, I was truly awed by and excited for them. There is no doubt our friend will go far in her career and life choices. She is so sure of herself that I'm sure life will open up all the possibilities for which she seeks.
My sister on the other hand... I fear she will hold herself back. I fear that she will "let" anxieties and unsureities get in her way. She is every bit as capable as our friend, but there are these stumbling blocks.
I fear this not as criticism but because I saw it that day in myself.
I too am beautiful and smart and educated and have my talents. But, have I gone as far as I could have with them? Have I gone as far as I want to with them? Am I like the girl who's dream it is to be the supermodel but her body won't let her? Am I like the other acquaintence who needs to get past herself and not "let" things get to her? Is there a choice there or do we have to submit to what life gives us? I've come to believe in my life that if you're only five feet tall, you won't become a basketball star no matter how talented you are or how hard you work at it. We raise our kids saying you can be or do anything you set your mind to- it's the American dream- but I don't know if that's a reality. We have to know ourselves and I think learning to live with your shortcomings is part of that, even if it means knowing what you can't do. On the other hand, I don't want to be like these people I know or see that do in fact LET things stop them.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Job
It seems a long time since I have posted and I feel an inkling to let the world know I am alive.
Mondays have always been my busiest and often hardest days at this job. I feel like I do more work on Monday than I do the rest of the week combined. Because of deadlines and when things get done, there really doesn't seem to be much I can do to change this or spread Monday out over the rest of the week. I do leave what I can for Tuesday, but that's not much.
The last few Mondays have been very trying though- more so than ever. Usually a good hard Monday is a good way to start the week. Being busy makes the day fly by and I don't have time to have "a case of the Mondays." Then Tuesday I catch up and finish up and by then it's Wednesday and the week's half over. But these last few weeks...
For my job, I receive orders from solicitors. It's my job to track how many orders they turn in, what kind they are, get them to the right people to "fill" the orders, keep track of how many do get done, how many don't get done, and then do all the stuff to get the solicitors paid for the good orders. (When I say it out loud, I actually think my job sounds impressive. I feel like I do a lot and am learning a lot and it's not just a run of the mill job.) Throughout the week, different solicitors bring in orders on different days. But on Monday, everybody brings in orders. Not only do I have all the solicitors bring in orders, they bring in a lot of orders because they've been selling all weekend. In the last month, we have had three new solicitors added to our business here. For the last 8 months, I have had 10 so, for the mathematically impaired, this is a 33% increase, ie. a lot more work. Not only that, the new groups all have special needs that have increased my work load a great deal. Then, to top things off, the company has made some changes to what we even are selling. This means I've had to make changes in my databases. This means things got all messed up, even things I didn't change, because I'm still learning how to manipulate things in Access. We'll call that a learning experience. We have only one full time person who actually enters the orders. The other two people who do this also have other work they do during the day. About a month ago, our veteran full time person quit without notice. This left a lot of us trying to catch up to all her work. They did, thankfully, quickly replace this full time person, but the new person's training has been a slow process. All in all, Monday's have been a mess. I spend a great amount of time also entering the orders and not doing the rest of what I have to do. Then because of all this, they give orders to just anybody who even thinks they know how to do them so when they come back to me on Tuesday I have a bunch of mistakes I have to fix. Yesterday it seemed not just that people had made mistakes, but that in their laziness and/or all the rush they simply didn't do things that could have been done and it all gets left to me. I was very frustrated.
I go back and forth a lot with my job. At the same time I feel like I'll never get it (like learning Access all by trial and error) I've also become so busy with tedious stuff (doing a lot of the orders myself) that I have no time for what my actual job is. I have days (or sometimes just moments) of feeling like I'm going to take ownership of this job and really get good at it and be professional in my attitude etc. Then I have days where I feel like I'm not giving anything to this job, it's not giving me much and I could (or should) be doing more with my talents and education.
Mondays have always been my busiest and often hardest days at this job. I feel like I do more work on Monday than I do the rest of the week combined. Because of deadlines and when things get done, there really doesn't seem to be much I can do to change this or spread Monday out over the rest of the week. I do leave what I can for Tuesday, but that's not much.
The last few Mondays have been very trying though- more so than ever. Usually a good hard Monday is a good way to start the week. Being busy makes the day fly by and I don't have time to have "a case of the Mondays." Then Tuesday I catch up and finish up and by then it's Wednesday and the week's half over. But these last few weeks...
For my job, I receive orders from solicitors. It's my job to track how many orders they turn in, what kind they are, get them to the right people to "fill" the orders, keep track of how many do get done, how many don't get done, and then do all the stuff to get the solicitors paid for the good orders. (When I say it out loud, I actually think my job sounds impressive. I feel like I do a lot and am learning a lot and it's not just a run of the mill job.) Throughout the week, different solicitors bring in orders on different days. But on Monday, everybody brings in orders. Not only do I have all the solicitors bring in orders, they bring in a lot of orders because they've been selling all weekend. In the last month, we have had three new solicitors added to our business here. For the last 8 months, I have had 10 so, for the mathematically impaired, this is a 33% increase, ie. a lot more work. Not only that, the new groups all have special needs that have increased my work load a great deal. Then, to top things off, the company has made some changes to what we even are selling. This means I've had to make changes in my databases. This means things got all messed up, even things I didn't change, because I'm still learning how to manipulate things in Access. We'll call that a learning experience. We have only one full time person who actually enters the orders. The other two people who do this also have other work they do during the day. About a month ago, our veteran full time person quit without notice. This left a lot of us trying to catch up to all her work. They did, thankfully, quickly replace this full time person, but the new person's training has been a slow process. All in all, Monday's have been a mess. I spend a great amount of time also entering the orders and not doing the rest of what I have to do. Then because of all this, they give orders to just anybody who even thinks they know how to do them so when they come back to me on Tuesday I have a bunch of mistakes I have to fix. Yesterday it seemed not just that people had made mistakes, but that in their laziness and/or all the rush they simply didn't do things that could have been done and it all gets left to me. I was very frustrated.
I go back and forth a lot with my job. At the same time I feel like I'll never get it (like learning Access all by trial and error) I've also become so busy with tedious stuff (doing a lot of the orders myself) that I have no time for what my actual job is. I have days (or sometimes just moments) of feeling like I'm going to take ownership of this job and really get good at it and be professional in my attitude etc. Then I have days where I feel like I'm not giving anything to this job, it's not giving me much and I could (or should) be doing more with my talents and education.
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