To Kiki

Something the other day reminded me of an episode I watched of "America's Next Top Model." For the photo shoot in this episode, the models were dressed in elegant but simple, flowing dresses, long hair (many of them getting extensions), and soft, glittery make-up- a rather ethereal look. Then they were put in pairs and had to get in a swimming pool of freezing water (it just happened to be the time of year, location etc, not like Fear Factor) and posed floating on the water. It was quite a stunning visual; I imagine it would make a very effective ad campaign or magazine spread.
Tyra Banks, the supermodel who runs the show, kept telling the girls they had to not look cold for the pictures. She said that as a supermodel, they will be asked to pose in swimming suits in the snow and heavy coats in scorching sun. They had to learn to not let that discomfort show. One girl was very good at not letting that come through in her pictures. Eventually, however, she started shaking so badly they had to pull her out of the water and give her medical treatment. She was starting to hypo(hyper?) thermeate. Then Tyra told her that you have to know your body and it's limits and it's up to you to let the photographers know when you have to stop or need a break. At the end of the show, when they all get evaluated, look at pictures, and ultimately one girl gets sent home, the (constructive?) criticism for this girl was that as a super model she would be asked to perform in these harsh conditions and the judges didn't know if she had the strength for it. It was a bit of a challenge, perhaps even just in her own mind, to see if she could "pull it together" and do this- was it really her dream etc- or did she have to come to terms with the fact that her body would not allow her to go to these extremes?

I was reminded of this episode thinking of such things as panic attacks, depression, fears and anxiety. I was thinking of people (or maybe just one person) I know who, it appears, has let her whole life stop because these things have become so overwhelming. I say "let" her- I try not to judge because I don't know what it is like for her. But, a part of me does know what it's like- at least I think I do. I go to work everyday having to fight this feeling inside of me... I don't know if I can even describe the feeling. It's different everyday. Some days it's a great stomach ache. Other days it feels like every muscle in my body has been electrically shocked. Sometimes I just feel like crying and am tired. Most days it's a much more subtle, general challenge of just feeling good about myself and trying to hold onto confidence.

A few weeks ago I went to dinner with my parents, little sister and her (our) friend. My sister and her friend are starting their second years of college. I was truly amazed at how beautiful, smart, articulate, talented... simply wonderful... both these girls are. As they talked about current events, politics, poetry, philosophy, and where they are going with their lives, I was truly awed by and excited for them. There is no doubt our friend will go far in her career and life choices. She is so sure of herself that I'm sure life will open up all the possibilities for which she seeks.
My sister on the other hand... I fear she will hold herself back. I fear that she will "let" anxieties and unsureities get in her way. She is every bit as capable as our friend, but there are these stumbling blocks.
I fear this not as criticism but because I saw it that day in myself.

I too am beautiful and smart and educated and have my talents. But, have I gone as far as I could have with them? Have I gone as far as I want to with them? Am I like the girl who's dream it is to be the supermodel but her body won't let her? Am I like the other acquaintence who needs to get past herself and not "let" things get to her? Is there a choice there or do we have to submit to what life gives us? I've come to believe in my life that if you're only five feet tall, you won't become a basketball star no matter how talented you are or how hard you work at it. We raise our kids saying you can be or do anything you set your mind to- it's the American dream- but I don't know if that's a reality. We have to know ourselves and I think learning to live with your shortcomings is part of that, even if it means knowing what you can't do. On the other hand, I don't want to be like these people I know or see that do in fact LET things stop them.