T.K.O.

I've heard/read that it's good for a couple to fight. If done constructively, it gets feelings expressed and problems solved etc. It made sense. Sometimes I think it would be good for my hubby and me to have a big blow up fight. It could be good for me to stick up for myself or let it out or whatever. It's good to know that we still love each other after these things happen. And, sometimes, we come to understand something about the other person we didn't see before.



Jeff and I don't fight much. Sometimes I think we never fight, it's more like emotional outbursts- something bothers me or I have my feelings hurt, I try to get over it and then cry about it. He'll be bugged by something and let me know and we'll get over it. Once in a while, we have a fight where we're both just out of patience or seeing things differently and we get emotional rather than calmly talk it through. For the most part, I feel like we communicate well and are able to express ourselves and consider each other's point of view.



But, I'm not so sure the fighting thing is a good idea. I once told Benny, my best friend, that I would never say anything insulting to him or anyone else that I knew they actually might be bothered by. For example, if I was mad at my friend who had blue freckles and was self concious about it, I would never bring that up in an argument. I would never make fun of that, no matter how hurt I was. Fighting that way is immature and not "constructive." Even so, I know that in fights, things get said that you can never take back. Sometimes I get upset about something and find so many reasons or examples to back it up, so many past occurences that justify what I'm feeling in that moment. But, once the fog clears, a lot of those things don't matter. A lot of those feelings aren't really something that even bother me on a day to day basis. They are things that should be let go of. Sometimes my husband says things when he's upset or will talk about things that upset him and maybe it's just the way he says it even, but what gets said hurts me. It's an emotional cut that has to be healed and cared for as real as any physical cut.

My problem is, emotional cuts are hard for me to heal. Years later, I can think of something someone said or an emotion that I felt and still remember just as clearly, exactly what it felt like. So with that, when my feelings get hurt, it's like I feel it forever. It's a defense. I'm protecting myself. If I can change your misunderstanding, I will forever be trying to prevent you from saying or feeling that way to or about me. If I think you will hurt me, I will go out of my way to avoid whatever it was that will cause that to happen, even if it means closing myself off.

Maybe it's about forgiveness. Maybe part of loving someone is, unfortunately, the potential for hurt feelings, misunderstandings, and emotional blow ups. So with that needs to come forgiveness and letting go. How do you do that?