Today I have a feeling that in the act of deciding, I can find peace and be in control of a whole lot of seemingly uncontrollable things. Perhaps it's even okay to not be in control all the time.
My mind has been swimming, racing, panicking, hiding for a long time. Today I feel like I know the answers.
Recently Khrystine posted a paper she had written for a class about forming life philosophies. I had so many thoughts, the main one being a realization that I am searching for parental guidance. This is not a criticism of my parents, but they seemed to spend a lot of time on older, more rebellious siblings and take a more hands off approach with me and my younger brother. In a way, I can see that some of my behavior was an attempt to parent myself. I have a need to always be in control, always do the "right" thing, never mess up. On the other hand, I was always the child, one of the "little kids." I had no authority. So now, sometimes, even as a grown up, I don't know that I can assert my own voice.
I tend to say I don't know a lot. Especially in emotionally charged conversations. But sometimes I do know.
Today I feel the glow of that knowing. It's like the peace of watching a waterfall- it has power and sound, but it's a calm, quiet strength.
Today I feel like I can stop the roller coaster world around me and insist on my smooth ride. I don't have to tolerate or deal with or make compromises for the ups and downs. I know what I want, I know what is right, I know what is required. And that is all that matters.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Random Thoughts on Rebellion
Sometimes I am angry that I was given certain principles, ideals, philosophies but when I've been faced with the actual trial of my faith, no one shows me how to really put those things to use. They get casually tossed to the wayside.
Perhaps teenage rebellion is not always a total disregard for any authority but a cry out of frustration. When faced with the reality that life's trials are not simply situations of blatant peer pressure we can "just say no" to, we don't throw away the teachings of our childhood because we don't agree with them. In a way, I think it hurts to try to hold onto the ideals when nothing seems to be working. It's like our only hope for sanity is to just act as if we're throwing them away. It's a test, a plea, "show me how to make this work! I don't understand."
"Imagine there's no heaven,
It's easy if you try..."
I've never thought it was easy, but for some reason I loved this song and even found some sort of comfort in the loneliness of it's words. If there were no heaven, would you still be who you are? "And no religion too?" Would you still do the things you do? I think it's an interesting, worth evaluating question.
I've been thinking of forgiveness for a while. I wonder if it's always right, or best for us, to forgive. This would imply that forgiving someone means totally accepting them into our lives and building relationships that have been damaged or even destroyed. The most extreme example I can think of is a child who is mistreated by a parent. Later in life, that parent is not that same abusive, hurtful person. The child is an adult and can heal from those wounds. Is it wise for that child, even as an objective adult, to try to form a relationship with that parent? In the case of extreme abuse, my mind and heart shout NO! What if it was lesser treatment, but still hurtful? What if it was a friend who had broken your trust? Where is the line drawn? What does it mean to forgive? I've at times thought that it doesn't have to mean a mending of the relationship but more a not wishing them harm and moving on. But sometimes those people and/or relationships can't be broken. They keep coming back around. Do I have the right to say I just don't want it? Is it okay/possible to say I forgive you and even wish you well, but I don't want anything to do with you?
Perhaps teenage rebellion is not always a total disregard for any authority but a cry out of frustration. When faced with the reality that life's trials are not simply situations of blatant peer pressure we can "just say no" to, we don't throw away the teachings of our childhood because we don't agree with them. In a way, I think it hurts to try to hold onto the ideals when nothing seems to be working. It's like our only hope for sanity is to just act as if we're throwing them away. It's a test, a plea, "show me how to make this work! I don't understand."
"Imagine there's no heaven,
It's easy if you try..."
I've never thought it was easy, but for some reason I loved this song and even found some sort of comfort in the loneliness of it's words. If there were no heaven, would you still be who you are? "And no religion too?" Would you still do the things you do? I think it's an interesting, worth evaluating question.
I've been thinking of forgiveness for a while. I wonder if it's always right, or best for us, to forgive. This would imply that forgiving someone means totally accepting them into our lives and building relationships that have been damaged or even destroyed. The most extreme example I can think of is a child who is mistreated by a parent. Later in life, that parent is not that same abusive, hurtful person. The child is an adult and can heal from those wounds. Is it wise for that child, even as an objective adult, to try to form a relationship with that parent? In the case of extreme abuse, my mind and heart shout NO! What if it was lesser treatment, but still hurtful? What if it was a friend who had broken your trust? Where is the line drawn? What does it mean to forgive? I've at times thought that it doesn't have to mean a mending of the relationship but more a not wishing them harm and moving on. But sometimes those people and/or relationships can't be broken. They keep coming back around. Do I have the right to say I just don't want it? Is it okay/possible to say I forgive you and even wish you well, but I don't want anything to do with you?
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Judge and Jury
Today I read in the paper that, as a result of the raid on the polygamist ranch in Texas, their leader Warren Jeffs and six(?) others have been indicted by the grand jury. (I think this means they will go to trial right?). I keep trying to express why I feel so emotionally wrapped up in this stuff. Just my own reactions I suppose. I'll just say that reading that today has made me feel some peace with it. Perhaps they couldn't (maybe shouldn't?) take away all the children like they did. But this shows that there was cause for concern and that someone does care about those little girls. Someone is saying "this is wrong." For whatever my reason, I needed to hear that.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
You suck and that's sad
Last week, for some reason unbeknownst to me, I was transferred a call from customer service. The lady on the phone had a great rate for her newspaper and was wanting to get the same rate to buy it for her son. I suppose they transferred her to me because I work with solicitors and know what promotions we have available, BUT customer service also has access to those so they can sign up people who call in about them. For whatever reason, I got this call and I didn't know if I was supposed to or not, but I went ahead and signed up the son on the same rate- nothing at all like what the solicitors are selling.
Turns out, once I put it through, because it was such a low, outdated rate and we've had price increases lately, the total cost ended up being about $4 a year more than what I had told the lady. Perhaps I should have caught that and called her back, but I didn't bother. Well, yesterday, I was transferred a call from someone asking for me by name. It was the same lady. She was so upset because when the bill came it was $4 more than what she had agreed to and already sent in. When I looked up the account, it changed what she was paid through by about 6 weeks from what I had told her over the phone. That's a lot, but not really when you are looking at it compared to the whole year. I explained to her what happened and apologized. When this just made her want to yell at me, I calmly told her that his account was paid through a certain date and she could go with that or I could stop it and send her money back (dumb me, I didn't think until I was on my way home yesterday that I could have just credited her the $4 and made it all fine, I think). She decided to keep it but wanted to be sure I knew how unhappy and disappointed she was about that.
It's $4 and 6 weeks lady. I'm sure you can get over it no matter how poor you are.
It should have been easy enough to blow it off and call it done. But, being me, I'm still feeling bad about it today. I was getting over it until...
Some of these solicitors seem to think I'm like their personal secretary. It's okay. It's kind of what I do and I am their contact person. Some of them are even really nice and then I don't mind helping them. But, today, one sent me an email asking a question I had to check with someone else about. I thought I knew the answer, but given that it's not really my thing, I thought I would just double check. The person I asked was more annoyed by the solicitor than me, but I still felt like she was kind of rude. Why do I get stuck in the middle of these dumb things?
This wasn't the only thing I was put in the middle of today and even when people are nice enough about things, I get stuck doing the "grunt work." And one person, I was offering to help and I still feel like I was bugging them!
I quit.
(I've been trying really hard to stay positive, so let me just throw this out there and then I'll go on).
Turns out, once I put it through, because it was such a low, outdated rate and we've had price increases lately, the total cost ended up being about $4 a year more than what I had told the lady. Perhaps I should have caught that and called her back, but I didn't bother. Well, yesterday, I was transferred a call from someone asking for me by name. It was the same lady. She was so upset because when the bill came it was $4 more than what she had agreed to and already sent in. When I looked up the account, it changed what she was paid through by about 6 weeks from what I had told her over the phone. That's a lot, but not really when you are looking at it compared to the whole year. I explained to her what happened and apologized. When this just made her want to yell at me, I calmly told her that his account was paid through a certain date and she could go with that or I could stop it and send her money back (dumb me, I didn't think until I was on my way home yesterday that I could have just credited her the $4 and made it all fine, I think). She decided to keep it but wanted to be sure I knew how unhappy and disappointed she was about that.
It's $4 and 6 weeks lady. I'm sure you can get over it no matter how poor you are.
It should have been easy enough to blow it off and call it done. But, being me, I'm still feeling bad about it today. I was getting over it until...
Some of these solicitors seem to think I'm like their personal secretary. It's okay. It's kind of what I do and I am their contact person. Some of them are even really nice and then I don't mind helping them. But, today, one sent me an email asking a question I had to check with someone else about. I thought I knew the answer, but given that it's not really my thing, I thought I would just double check. The person I asked was more annoyed by the solicitor than me, but I still felt like she was kind of rude. Why do I get stuck in the middle of these dumb things?
This wasn't the only thing I was put in the middle of today and even when people are nice enough about things, I get stuck doing the "grunt work." And one person, I was offering to help and I still feel like I was bugging them!
I quit.
(I've been trying really hard to stay positive, so let me just throw this out there and then I'll go on).
Mr. Magorium
Is it his wonder emporium? Magical emporium? Crap, I can't remember. Anyway...
We saw that movie last night. I had no previous desire AT ALL to see it but it was wonderful. First off, Dustin Hoffman is a great actor and I think I love him. Secondly, the movie was full of magic and believing and reminding us to play in life. And thirdly, it was full of great quotes.
At the beginning of the movie, the narrator, a 9 year old boy, says something like "I don't know why people don't believe who they were as kids." He is talking about the 23 year old character who was considered a piano genius when she was 9. She says when anyone asks her to play anything, she still plays the same piece that people were so impressed with then. She is trying to write her own piece, but can't seem to finish it. She feels stuck and like she can't get past a certain place.The boy's point was why doesn't she let herself now be the genius she was then?
Not to be vain, but I was once a smart kid. I was also a pretty girl. I was shy, but that just meant quiet, not afraid and awkward. I was friends with everyone in my grade.
Now I honestly, most the time, think I"m not very smart. I got past thinking I'm ugly, but I don't think I'm pretty unless I really try at it and then it's only "in my own way." I'm afraid of asserting myself at all and don't even want to make friends because it's just too awkward all the time. Hm... why did I forget who I was as a kid?
The other day, Dad brought up a job that they can't seem to get enough people to fill. Everyone who does that now is retiring so there is a real shortage. And then he said something about math being a part of it. I didn't get to really talk to him about it, but I've kind of been daydreaming about it for two days now. Could I really do something like that?
I don't know if I'd really want to or not, but the thought of being a smart, successful person has made me feel... I don't even mean this in a vain and worldly seeking way... it has made me feel connected. Like oh, yeah, I am a smart and capable person. It's almost like a kid pretending "when I grow up" and in that expectation, I find I can rise to meet the challenge. I meet my potential. The problem with my low self esteem is not not being able to overcome something hard, but not expecting myself to in the first place. If you only expect so much of yourself, you're telling yourself that's all you are. It's not quite that... it's more like... if you never have the opportunity to be smart and pretty and who you are, you're going to believe you're something different.
Last weekend we watched the movie "Next." (Yes we watch a lot of movies). I thought it was awesome and unexpected. It had a couple good quotes too. In this movie, the guy is able to see two minutes into his future. He says "the thing about the future is it changes when you look at it simply because you looked at it." When it ended I told Jeff if I would have seen that when I was 16, it would have answered a lot of questions in my life. It was pretty cool.
I've always worried about doing the right thing and getting to the right place. At 16, I was deathly afraid of messing up my destiny by making the wrong choice (Benny used to tease that I was afraid I'd wear the wrong color shirt causing me to miss out on my only chance to do.... whatever it was God wanted/life had planned for me).
Thinking about my potential and jobs and things Jeff talks about with his work changing and having kids etc... I've had the strange feeling the last day or two that life could really be different than anything I've imagined. It could be ALL that I've imagined. It hasn't happened yet. I just have to touch my potential and see what happens...
We saw that movie last night. I had no previous desire AT ALL to see it but it was wonderful. First off, Dustin Hoffman is a great actor and I think I love him. Secondly, the movie was full of magic and believing and reminding us to play in life. And thirdly, it was full of great quotes.
At the beginning of the movie, the narrator, a 9 year old boy, says something like "I don't know why people don't believe who they were as kids." He is talking about the 23 year old character who was considered a piano genius when she was 9. She says when anyone asks her to play anything, she still plays the same piece that people were so impressed with then. She is trying to write her own piece, but can't seem to finish it. She feels stuck and like she can't get past a certain place.The boy's point was why doesn't she let herself now be the genius she was then?
Not to be vain, but I was once a smart kid. I was also a pretty girl. I was shy, but that just meant quiet, not afraid and awkward. I was friends with everyone in my grade.
Now I honestly, most the time, think I"m not very smart. I got past thinking I'm ugly, but I don't think I'm pretty unless I really try at it and then it's only "in my own way." I'm afraid of asserting myself at all and don't even want to make friends because it's just too awkward all the time. Hm... why did I forget who I was as a kid?
The other day, Dad brought up a job that they can't seem to get enough people to fill. Everyone who does that now is retiring so there is a real shortage. And then he said something about math being a part of it. I didn't get to really talk to him about it, but I've kind of been daydreaming about it for two days now. Could I really do something like that?
I don't know if I'd really want to or not, but the thought of being a smart, successful person has made me feel... I don't even mean this in a vain and worldly seeking way... it has made me feel connected. Like oh, yeah, I am a smart and capable person. It's almost like a kid pretending "when I grow up" and in that expectation, I find I can rise to meet the challenge. I meet my potential. The problem with my low self esteem is not not being able to overcome something hard, but not expecting myself to in the first place. If you only expect so much of yourself, you're telling yourself that's all you are. It's not quite that... it's more like... if you never have the opportunity to be smart and pretty and who you are, you're going to believe you're something different.
Last weekend we watched the movie "Next." (Yes we watch a lot of movies). I thought it was awesome and unexpected. It had a couple good quotes too. In this movie, the guy is able to see two minutes into his future. He says "the thing about the future is it changes when you look at it simply because you looked at it." When it ended I told Jeff if I would have seen that when I was 16, it would have answered a lot of questions in my life. It was pretty cool.
I've always worried about doing the right thing and getting to the right place. At 16, I was deathly afraid of messing up my destiny by making the wrong choice (Benny used to tease that I was afraid I'd wear the wrong color shirt causing me to miss out on my only chance to do.... whatever it was God wanted/life had planned for me).
Thinking about my potential and jobs and things Jeff talks about with his work changing and having kids etc... I've had the strange feeling the last day or two that life could really be different than anything I've imagined. It could be ALL that I've imagined. It hasn't happened yet. I just have to touch my potential and see what happens...
Friday, July 11, 2008
Is it Friday or am I an Introvert?
I never really knew what shy meant or cared that I was shy until I was in junior high. Then it felt like a curse I couldn't over come. Being shy meant much more than being quiet. It meant I was afraid and awkward and didn't like myself very much.
Sometime between the ages of 12 and 14, I took a personality test that was quite involved. One of the characteristics it determined was introvert vs. extrovert. I of course was an introvert but this test (or maybe it was Mom?) explained it in terms of energy. Do you get energy, do you relax and feel happy, by being around people or by taking some time to yourself? By myself, of course! This definition made me a lot happier than being "shy" and I've held onto it ever since.
Today, a lot of people are not at work. A lot of the people that are here, spent a lot of the morning in meetings. I've been a bit isolated and I've had more energy today than I've had all week. When I have had to talk to people, I've been competent and expressive in my job. I've even talked to people just friendly and felt better about it. I feel awake and almost even happy. I wonder if it's just feeling a bit of space around me in which to connect to me rather than feeling overwhelmed by people. Just an interesting observation.
Another thing I've observed about myself lately (y'know how Oprah talks about "aha" moments? I think I have "duh" moments) is that a lot of my criticism of other people comes from feeling like I don't fit in. I know people tell kids that other kids make fun of them just because they're jealous. I always thought, "no way! I don't want to be like them!" when I was critical of others. But sometimes I've realized it's true. I think this latest observation is more than that though. I don't just make fun of skinny people because I'm jealous. I find fault because I truly think they have something I don't.
Let me just be blunt. I get so upset sometimes just watching t.v. or movies because there is ALWAYS some hot girl. I have my blog rants and pout at Jeff because I can't stand the immodesty of how girls dress and act etc. Okay, that's true- the world is horrible-, but what I'm saying here is that I think I also react so strongly and angrily because I can't see myself as one of them. That's good in some ways, obviously, but I'm talking about I don't see myself as someone with... feminine wiles? Hahaha, just had to say that. But really. I can feel good about myself and think I'm a cute, charming, smart person. Then I see some stylish, flirtatious, hot girl and feel like crap because that is something I think I can never be. And, like the little kid I was, I honestly don't want to be, but I suppose there is some element in there that I wish I had.
I do. I wish I could see myself as hot and sexy and alluring and even just a girl... as when in the movies they say "Girls!" when they see a bunch of them walking by or something. I never even included myself in my group of friends in high school. I was fat so nobody would want that. I was shy and nobody would bother with that. I thought I was ugly so people would run from that. So, now I see a Victoria's Secret commercial and I'm filled with hate and anger because, rightfully, I don't want some girl parading around in front of my husband. But I also feel like that is something I not only don't have but could never have and I shut off anything inside of me that could be that.
Hm, this is an extreme example and it sounds like I'm talking just about sex and sex appeal. But it's everything. That's just the best or most obvious example of the feminine, beautiful... I'm not sure the adjective I'm looking for... I'm talking about. Here's maybe a better example. On the 4th of July, I was out with Jeff and I didn't really like the outfit I wore that day- hadn't put that shirt with those pants and got out and decided it just wasn't comfortable- but in spite of it was feeling good about myself and enjoying my day with him. I even felt pretty and charming and fun. Then we ran into someone he kinda knew at work. She wasn't that pretty or anything and she was standing outside smoking, but she was really skinny and had good hair and that "I'm all that" attitude and I instantly felt like crap. How can I compete? Look at my dowdy outfit. Etc etc etc. This may have been when I started to realize that the reason I say mean things, like she's not that pretty, is because I feel like I don't have THAT (whatever adjective I was looking for above). When instead I thought, okay, just be friendly, it wasn't so bad. If I thought, this is someone I would be friends with, I didn't feel so crappy about me and negative toward her.
So the point of this blog is not to fish for compliments or to realize I'm okay the way I am or have anyone tell me what's right with me. The first point is, it was just an observation and that maybe by realizing what my reaction is, I can not feel so down on myself. But it also makes me want to... define THAT and see what I have that is THAT and try to do something to feel better about myself so that I don't feel like such an odd ball...
Yesterday I was talking to Mom and Khrys and they had some really good definitions of style. I wish I had written down what Khrystine had said. But that's what I'm wanting. To really look at who I am and express that. Not think being shy is bad. Call it introverted and give it some understanding. Not be critical and so hurt by the evil in the world when I really just wish I had something I think I lack. Find what I am and go with that. The thing is, I do have times when I feel good about myself. I'm a math nerd, I wear flat shoes and not heels, I like undone hair... how can I take that and make it....
well, I don't know what to say. All I can think is how do I make it something else? And that is not the answer. I don't want to be something else, not even a Victoria's Secret model. My style is cute and cuddly not long/tall and sexy. Hmpf... I'm getting nowhere with this conversation.
Sometime between the ages of 12 and 14, I took a personality test that was quite involved. One of the characteristics it determined was introvert vs. extrovert. I of course was an introvert but this test (or maybe it was Mom?) explained it in terms of energy. Do you get energy, do you relax and feel happy, by being around people or by taking some time to yourself? By myself, of course! This definition made me a lot happier than being "shy" and I've held onto it ever since.
Today, a lot of people are not at work. A lot of the people that are here, spent a lot of the morning in meetings. I've been a bit isolated and I've had more energy today than I've had all week. When I have had to talk to people, I've been competent and expressive in my job. I've even talked to people just friendly and felt better about it. I feel awake and almost even happy. I wonder if it's just feeling a bit of space around me in which to connect to me rather than feeling overwhelmed by people. Just an interesting observation.
Another thing I've observed about myself lately (y'know how Oprah talks about "aha" moments? I think I have "duh" moments) is that a lot of my criticism of other people comes from feeling like I don't fit in. I know people tell kids that other kids make fun of them just because they're jealous. I always thought, "no way! I don't want to be like them!" when I was critical of others. But sometimes I've realized it's true. I think this latest observation is more than that though. I don't just make fun of skinny people because I'm jealous. I find fault because I truly think they have something I don't.
Let me just be blunt. I get so upset sometimes just watching t.v. or movies because there is ALWAYS some hot girl. I have my blog rants and pout at Jeff because I can't stand the immodesty of how girls dress and act etc. Okay, that's true- the world is horrible-, but what I'm saying here is that I think I also react so strongly and angrily because I can't see myself as one of them. That's good in some ways, obviously, but I'm talking about I don't see myself as someone with... feminine wiles? Hahaha, just had to say that. But really. I can feel good about myself and think I'm a cute, charming, smart person. Then I see some stylish, flirtatious, hot girl and feel like crap because that is something I think I can never be. And, like the little kid I was, I honestly don't want to be, but I suppose there is some element in there that I wish I had.
I do. I wish I could see myself as hot and sexy and alluring and even just a girl... as when in the movies they say "Girls!" when they see a bunch of them walking by or something. I never even included myself in my group of friends in high school. I was fat so nobody would want that. I was shy and nobody would bother with that. I thought I was ugly so people would run from that. So, now I see a Victoria's Secret commercial and I'm filled with hate and anger because, rightfully, I don't want some girl parading around in front of my husband. But I also feel like that is something I not only don't have but could never have and I shut off anything inside of me that could be that.
Hm, this is an extreme example and it sounds like I'm talking just about sex and sex appeal. But it's everything. That's just the best or most obvious example of the feminine, beautiful... I'm not sure the adjective I'm looking for... I'm talking about. Here's maybe a better example. On the 4th of July, I was out with Jeff and I didn't really like the outfit I wore that day- hadn't put that shirt with those pants and got out and decided it just wasn't comfortable- but in spite of it was feeling good about myself and enjoying my day with him. I even felt pretty and charming and fun. Then we ran into someone he kinda knew at work. She wasn't that pretty or anything and she was standing outside smoking, but she was really skinny and had good hair and that "I'm all that" attitude and I instantly felt like crap. How can I compete? Look at my dowdy outfit. Etc etc etc. This may have been when I started to realize that the reason I say mean things, like she's not that pretty, is because I feel like I don't have THAT (whatever adjective I was looking for above). When instead I thought, okay, just be friendly, it wasn't so bad. If I thought, this is someone I would be friends with, I didn't feel so crappy about me and negative toward her.
So the point of this blog is not to fish for compliments or to realize I'm okay the way I am or have anyone tell me what's right with me. The first point is, it was just an observation and that maybe by realizing what my reaction is, I can not feel so down on myself. But it also makes me want to... define THAT and see what I have that is THAT and try to do something to feel better about myself so that I don't feel like such an odd ball...
Yesterday I was talking to Mom and Khrys and they had some really good definitions of style. I wish I had written down what Khrystine had said. But that's what I'm wanting. To really look at who I am and express that. Not think being shy is bad. Call it introverted and give it some understanding. Not be critical and so hurt by the evil in the world when I really just wish I had something I think I lack. Find what I am and go with that. The thing is, I do have times when I feel good about myself. I'm a math nerd, I wear flat shoes and not heels, I like undone hair... how can I take that and make it....
well, I don't know what to say. All I can think is how do I make it something else? And that is not the answer. I don't want to be something else, not even a Victoria's Secret model. My style is cute and cuddly not long/tall and sexy. Hmpf... I'm getting nowhere with this conversation.
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
Chastity
I watched a horrible, hOrRiBle, HORRIBLE! movie last weekend. It was on HBO and when I read the description I thought it would either be good or stupid. I was pulled in to the characters right away. But early on, there was a scene that made me think I didn't want to watch. Why didn't I turn it off? I don't know.
It seemed to me that the writer probably had the attitude "I'm going to show what REAL relationships are like," thus taking quite a negative approach. There were several couples, each of them exemplifying different issues or problems we probably all face in a romantical relationship. But one couple, the main couple, seems like they will redeem our hope and the movie. The guy is 30ish, the narrator, has a great job, the perfect girlfriend and they just found out they are going to have a baby. He says everything has gone the way it was planned (the baby is a surprise, but not like a teenage pregnancy. They've been together for 3 years and are very committed). He has everything the way he wanted it and the way it should be. I really had hopes for this couple. Even the early scene that should have told me to turn it off was used to show that this guy was more mature and grounded and committed than his friends.
Then this guy goes to a friend's wedding. He meets a girl. She is quite forward, but they just talk and he expresses, without giving details, that he is concerned or scared about life. We know it's because they are having a baby and that wasn't part of the plan, but all else up to now really makes it seem like he's okay with it. Basically, he tells the new girl that there's no more surprises for him. It's not that he's scared, as the rest of the movie seems to play off of, it's not even that he's bored. It's more like a fear of boredom even though he admits to himself is silly because everything is the way he wants it.
We see that the new girl is interested in the guy, but he doesn't seem interested. It was like just nice to talk to someone. When his girlfriend comes back on the scene (she too was at the wedding but off with friends helping with a baby or something) he is happy to see her and everything is fine.
Until...
New girl tells guy that she usually meets her friends after class at a certain time of day at a certain place on campus if he ever wants to stop by. Stupid guy finds himself later in the week, just curious so he goes and runs into girl who invites him to a party the next day. And he goes! Now, since this is going to be a conversation on chastity, let me just point out, this is where he makes his choice. Not later, not in the moment, right here. And he does go to the party and they dance and he touches her and you just want to smash his face in! Then he takes her home and they kiss and I nearly threw up! But then he stops and tells her it's not going to happen. TOO LATE! I scream. Since it's a movie, you can almost tell yourself that at least he stopped, he didn't cross the line, whatever, but in reality, he did and I hate that I'm watching it because it makes these questions or compromises come up in my mind. Anyway...
Guy goes home and the girlfriend, in the meantime, has found out that he's out with a girl and she's rightfully freaking out. They have a big fight, he insists nothing happened but then to be honest admits they kissed. She kicks him out and I was praying the movie would end. Good job girl. It's not "just" a kiss or something like some movies would present it. Movie's over, he ruined it, but she can heal and go on... oh crap, she's pregnant. What is she going to do? I have to keep watching and someone has to make it all better...
So, stupid guy, feeling horrible that he may have just messed up the perfect life he had, doesn't leave and try to figure out how to fix this. He leaves and goes back to new girl. I think she calls him during all this fighting and says something stupid like "if I promise not to touch you will you come back. I really need to talk to you." She's like psycho considering they just met. And of course, they end up sleeping together. He hesitates like he's going to change his mind, but no.
He wakes up the next day and realizes his life is over and I just hoped he felt tremendous amounts of pain and agony over that, but somehow, making a movie out of it, convinces me that he still somehow had the pleasure of giving in and no amount of pain can make it right. The movie goes on and by now I'm nearly having a panic attack watching it and still unable to turn it off because it has to turn into a bad dream or something doesn't it!?!?!?!?!
He ends up camped out on their front porch for a couple nights and finally the girlfriend lets him back in. No reconciliation but a glimpse that maybe they'll work it out because, after all, he didn't mean it. The whole moral of the story seemed to be "these things happen and life sucks so you have to figure out how to get past them."
It was so upsetting. He didn't cheat because he fell in love with someone else. Or because they were having problems and drifted apart. Not that those are good reasons, but at least they give you hope of... prevention? I don't know.
Well, now I've upset myself remembering the whole stupid thing. My point was, I was thinking about this and I remembered a Sunday school lesson or something where someone said that he knew his wife would be faithful because she already had been by waiting until marriage to have sex. I get that now. Part of the importance of waiting for marriage is to prove our faithfulness. If people treated sex as something big and important and didn't treat it so lightly and as something just meant to please "me," things like this wouldn't happen. How can people be so casual about it? I really don't get that. Maybe if this guy, the character in the movie (I'm just assuming) hadn't treated it like it was just a weekend recreational activitiy all through college, it would have been a lot harder to get all... naked and stuff when some girl came onto him. If he'd already made the commitment to be faithful to his wife, even before he met her, it would have been so much harder to cheat and easier to not even think about it.
Which brings up the next point. He really did make the decision when he went to campus to see her. That maybe could have been a mistake. He gets in his car and berates himself for having gone. But then he goes to the party. Even if nothing happened there, we all know, including him, that he is opening the door. And that's what they always tell us about chastity isn't it? You have to make the decision long before the moment? I guess in that regard, the movie was good at driving those lessons home. But...
I guess just another one of my rants about how wicked and horrible the world is. I like to think that these things offend me so much because I'm doing something right. I'm sensitive to important things. Or something. Maybe that's why I always try to express them. I should have just turned the movie off.
It seemed to me that the writer probably had the attitude "I'm going to show what REAL relationships are like," thus taking quite a negative approach. There were several couples, each of them exemplifying different issues or problems we probably all face in a romantical relationship. But one couple, the main couple, seems like they will redeem our hope and the movie. The guy is 30ish, the narrator, has a great job, the perfect girlfriend and they just found out they are going to have a baby. He says everything has gone the way it was planned (the baby is a surprise, but not like a teenage pregnancy. They've been together for 3 years and are very committed). He has everything the way he wanted it and the way it should be. I really had hopes for this couple. Even the early scene that should have told me to turn it off was used to show that this guy was more mature and grounded and committed than his friends.
Then this guy goes to a friend's wedding. He meets a girl. She is quite forward, but they just talk and he expresses, without giving details, that he is concerned or scared about life. We know it's because they are having a baby and that wasn't part of the plan, but all else up to now really makes it seem like he's okay with it. Basically, he tells the new girl that there's no more surprises for him. It's not that he's scared, as the rest of the movie seems to play off of, it's not even that he's bored. It's more like a fear of boredom even though he admits to himself is silly because everything is the way he wants it.
We see that the new girl is interested in the guy, but he doesn't seem interested. It was like just nice to talk to someone. When his girlfriend comes back on the scene (she too was at the wedding but off with friends helping with a baby or something) he is happy to see her and everything is fine.
Until...
New girl tells guy that she usually meets her friends after class at a certain time of day at a certain place on campus if he ever wants to stop by. Stupid guy finds himself later in the week, just curious so he goes and runs into girl who invites him to a party the next day. And he goes! Now, since this is going to be a conversation on chastity, let me just point out, this is where he makes his choice. Not later, not in the moment, right here. And he does go to the party and they dance and he touches her and you just want to smash his face in! Then he takes her home and they kiss and I nearly threw up! But then he stops and tells her it's not going to happen. TOO LATE! I scream. Since it's a movie, you can almost tell yourself that at least he stopped, he didn't cross the line, whatever, but in reality, he did and I hate that I'm watching it because it makes these questions or compromises come up in my mind. Anyway...
Guy goes home and the girlfriend, in the meantime, has found out that he's out with a girl and she's rightfully freaking out. They have a big fight, he insists nothing happened but then to be honest admits they kissed. She kicks him out and I was praying the movie would end. Good job girl. It's not "just" a kiss or something like some movies would present it. Movie's over, he ruined it, but she can heal and go on... oh crap, she's pregnant. What is she going to do? I have to keep watching and someone has to make it all better...
So, stupid guy, feeling horrible that he may have just messed up the perfect life he had, doesn't leave and try to figure out how to fix this. He leaves and goes back to new girl. I think she calls him during all this fighting and says something stupid like "if I promise not to touch you will you come back. I really need to talk to you." She's like psycho considering they just met. And of course, they end up sleeping together. He hesitates like he's going to change his mind, but no.
He wakes up the next day and realizes his life is over and I just hoped he felt tremendous amounts of pain and agony over that, but somehow, making a movie out of it, convinces me that he still somehow had the pleasure of giving in and no amount of pain can make it right. The movie goes on and by now I'm nearly having a panic attack watching it and still unable to turn it off because it has to turn into a bad dream or something doesn't it!?!?!?!?!
He ends up camped out on their front porch for a couple nights and finally the girlfriend lets him back in. No reconciliation but a glimpse that maybe they'll work it out because, after all, he didn't mean it. The whole moral of the story seemed to be "these things happen and life sucks so you have to figure out how to get past them."
It was so upsetting. He didn't cheat because he fell in love with someone else. Or because they were having problems and drifted apart. Not that those are good reasons, but at least they give you hope of... prevention? I don't know.
Well, now I've upset myself remembering the whole stupid thing. My point was, I was thinking about this and I remembered a Sunday school lesson or something where someone said that he knew his wife would be faithful because she already had been by waiting until marriage to have sex. I get that now. Part of the importance of waiting for marriage is to prove our faithfulness. If people treated sex as something big and important and didn't treat it so lightly and as something just meant to please "me," things like this wouldn't happen. How can people be so casual about it? I really don't get that. Maybe if this guy, the character in the movie (I'm just assuming) hadn't treated it like it was just a weekend recreational activitiy all through college, it would have been a lot harder to get all... naked and stuff when some girl came onto him. If he'd already made the commitment to be faithful to his wife, even before he met her, it would have been so much harder to cheat and easier to not even think about it.
Which brings up the next point. He really did make the decision when he went to campus to see her. That maybe could have been a mistake. He gets in his car and berates himself for having gone. But then he goes to the party. Even if nothing happened there, we all know, including him, that he is opening the door. And that's what they always tell us about chastity isn't it? You have to make the decision long before the moment? I guess in that regard, the movie was good at driving those lessons home. But...
I guess just another one of my rants about how wicked and horrible the world is. I like to think that these things offend me so much because I'm doing something right. I'm sensitive to important things. Or something. Maybe that's why I always try to express them. I should have just turned the movie off.
Monday, July 07, 2008
I bet you think this song is about you
Sunday morning I spent a good amount of time reading in the Book of Mormon. I'm at the part in 2nd Nephi that quotes a lot of Isaiah. I've come to like reading that part. I take it like poetry and don't really try to understand it. I just let whatever lines stand out to me, stand out and see what I can get out of them.
They say that Isaiah is really important. I think it goes back and forth a lot comparing the time before Christ was born to the time before His second coming (and probably a lot more!) and that's hard to follow. I kept wishing I knew more about the time period he was talking about and even what time period it was!
I read the part about the women and their tinkling toes and wanton eyes. I have before liked this part. Like a warning to not get caught up in wordly beauty, which I somehow find comforting. Some (maybe a lot?) of what I was reading talked about the punishment God gave or will give. He sounded so angry but then I thought how frustrating it must be for Him. To give us so much and we are so disobedient, proud, angry and mean.
Saturday night, Jeff and I watched a comedian on the comedy channel. He swore a lot, but it was censored (not like you couldn't tell what he was saying, but it helped). He had a lot of political/social humor. Sometimes I feel like I learn a lot or at least see things in a different way listening to comedians and Saturday night live etc. So it was good for that. But, being this channel a bit late on the weekend, a commercial came on that anytime it's come on when I'm watching it, it just freaks me out. I seriously get so mad and offended and full of anger I want to just throw the remote through the t.v. I quickly changed the channel and Jeff reassured me that there's a warning (like a the following is rated "get the kids out of the room" warning) before it comes on so you know to change the channel.
Anyway, as I read Isaiah Sunday morning, feeling like I'll never be good enough, I thought of this commercial and all the really crappy stuff that's in the world. I felt a little bit comforted that the world is an awful place and even though we've been warned as people and as a church to beware of pride and thinking "all is right in Zion," maybe these punishments I was reading about are directed at bigger things than me. And again, I somehow found this comforting.
Not comforting like "Phewf! I'm getting out of trouble." Not comforting like I'm not so bad as I think. Not even comforting like "haha, they'll get what's coming" vengeance. Comforting like... it really is a hard world we live in.
I don't know why that's comforting. But somehow it gave me courage.
They say that Isaiah is really important. I think it goes back and forth a lot comparing the time before Christ was born to the time before His second coming (and probably a lot more!) and that's hard to follow. I kept wishing I knew more about the time period he was talking about and even what time period it was!
I read the part about the women and their tinkling toes and wanton eyes. I have before liked this part. Like a warning to not get caught up in wordly beauty, which I somehow find comforting. Some (maybe a lot?) of what I was reading talked about the punishment God gave or will give. He sounded so angry but then I thought how frustrating it must be for Him. To give us so much and we are so disobedient, proud, angry and mean.
Saturday night, Jeff and I watched a comedian on the comedy channel. He swore a lot, but it was censored (not like you couldn't tell what he was saying, but it helped). He had a lot of political/social humor. Sometimes I feel like I learn a lot or at least see things in a different way listening to comedians and Saturday night live etc. So it was good for that. But, being this channel a bit late on the weekend, a commercial came on that anytime it's come on when I'm watching it, it just freaks me out. I seriously get so mad and offended and full of anger I want to just throw the remote through the t.v. I quickly changed the channel and Jeff reassured me that there's a warning (like a the following is rated "get the kids out of the room" warning) before it comes on so you know to change the channel.
Anyway, as I read Isaiah Sunday morning, feeling like I'll never be good enough, I thought of this commercial and all the really crappy stuff that's in the world. I felt a little bit comforted that the world is an awful place and even though we've been warned as people and as a church to beware of pride and thinking "all is right in Zion," maybe these punishments I was reading about are directed at bigger things than me. And again, I somehow found this comforting.
Not comforting like "Phewf! I'm getting out of trouble." Not comforting like I'm not so bad as I think. Not even comforting like "haha, they'll get what's coming" vengeance. Comforting like... it really is a hard world we live in.
I don't know why that's comforting. But somehow it gave me courage.
Thursday, July 03, 2008
I found an answer
Today I read a public forum letter in the paper. The person was basically upset and offended that the LDS church is taking such a stand on the moral issue of gay marriage in California but not about things like the war. This person thinks it's hypocritical for the church to "pick and choose" where it asserts it's influence and say it's for moral reasons.
Whatever my views are about gay marriage, this person's assertion helped me to realize that I am glad that the church, my church, would take a stand on a relatively small issue. Of course the church would "say" that what impacts society is the very way we live in our homes, families, and communities. For most of us, there's not a lot we can do about global wars, gas prices, etc. But we can choose to live in a moral, loving, "just be good" way. We can create our families and our homes as a little bit of heaven, and if everyone did this, we would change the world.
It kind of reminded me of the "still small voice," not shouting and protesting, but simple little directions to help us make the right choices and be better people and just be happy.
I'm also glad, or reassured, that the church teaches that these "small" issues matter. Sometimes I get frustrated and scared just from being around people at work, what I see on t.v. etc. Small things seem so threatening because they are things we let in and then something else comes then it gets a little bigger and then there's a problem and then... ? It's like most of us don't have a problem with "thou shalt not kill" but what about swearing or gossip or anger? The small things might not even lead to big things, but think about the people they hurt. Think about what kind of feeling you get even just being around or living in that kind of an environment.
Whatever my views are about gay marriage, this person's assertion helped me to realize that I am glad that the church, my church, would take a stand on a relatively small issue. Of course the church would "say" that what impacts society is the very way we live in our homes, families, and communities. For most of us, there's not a lot we can do about global wars, gas prices, etc. But we can choose to live in a moral, loving, "just be good" way. We can create our families and our homes as a little bit of heaven, and if everyone did this, we would change the world.
It kind of reminded me of the "still small voice," not shouting and protesting, but simple little directions to help us make the right choices and be better people and just be happy.
I'm also glad, or reassured, that the church teaches that these "small" issues matter. Sometimes I get frustrated and scared just from being around people at work, what I see on t.v. etc. Small things seem so threatening because they are things we let in and then something else comes then it gets a little bigger and then there's a problem and then... ? It's like most of us don't have a problem with "thou shalt not kill" but what about swearing or gossip or anger? The small things might not even lead to big things, but think about the people they hurt. Think about what kind of feeling you get even just being around or living in that kind of an environment.
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
Perceptions
Today is a new day. Perhaps yesterday's feelings/thoughts/concerns are all a matter of perception.
I tried talking to Jeff last night about how I was feeling without getting all emotional and "freaked out." I think he just didn't know what to say and really didn't say much at all. It was a bit frustrating, wanting him to rescue me and make everything alright. He very much is a live in today type person. I'm a live in three weeks (or maybe three years) from now person. Both have their good and bad points. He does help me to realize that we just go on. That's what I'm thinking of today. Life goes on.
I looked back at Mel's blog and pictures of Edison over the last year. My how he has grown! And, at least from here, the time has flown by. He's a real little boy and not so much a baby anymore. Somehow, this helped me to see that you just take it one day at a time. Perhaps being afraid does nothing more than make you miss the moments and make a mess of what you have. Thinking of having my own baby, I can almost think today, just figure it out as you go along.
Jeff did decide last night that we should move to Roy because there's a Central Park burger joint up there. He does rescue me in his own, I really need it way. Today, thinking of moving to a small town just to enjoy their hamburgers is my life boat.
I tried talking to Jeff last night about how I was feeling without getting all emotional and "freaked out." I think he just didn't know what to say and really didn't say much at all. It was a bit frustrating, wanting him to rescue me and make everything alright. He very much is a live in today type person. I'm a live in three weeks (or maybe three years) from now person. Both have their good and bad points. He does help me to realize that we just go on. That's what I'm thinking of today. Life goes on.
I looked back at Mel's blog and pictures of Edison over the last year. My how he has grown! And, at least from here, the time has flown by. He's a real little boy and not so much a baby anymore. Somehow, this helped me to see that you just take it one day at a time. Perhaps being afraid does nothing more than make you miss the moments and make a mess of what you have. Thinking of having my own baby, I can almost think today, just figure it out as you go along.
Jeff did decide last night that we should move to Roy because there's a Central Park burger joint up there. He does rescue me in his own, I really need it way. Today, thinking of moving to a small town just to enjoy their hamburgers is my life boat.
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
Hesitations
I feel like the theme of my life is hesitation. I have a list of examples I want to go into just to say "this is what I'm talking about!" but seeing that I've been told and still get told that I kind of talk in circles and never get to the point, I'll try to just jump into what's going on now. I really would like some advice, insight, etc from people so PLEASE talk to me :) But, this is kinda personal and kinda my same old crap, so you don't have to read it if you don't want to :)
Last night, I had a hard time falling asleep because I was worrying about our finances. It's not just because Jeff doesn't have a job. I've been feeling like this anyway and almost feel like it doesn't even make a difference that he's not working (yeah right, we'll see how I feel in two weeks when he doesn't get a paycheck). I woke up at two this morning and couldn't go back to sleep for an hour worrying. Seriously, the only thing that calmed me was praying, crying, and then deciding that if it comes down to it, we'll just declare bankruptcy and start over. I don't know that we're really that bad off, but sometimes it feels like it.
The big question for me, as you know, is how do we have kids? The only thing, the only ambition/dream/goal that REALLY matters in my life is having a family. Yesterday morning, I thought of my Grandma Dorothy. She was widowed when her two youngest kids were just 5 and 7. She had to go to work and leave them. She had to do what she had to do. What a trick for life to play on her! I also thought of my great grandmothers walking across the plains and starting life in a desert- leaving all they had, some having to share a husband... My life is not so hard. Perhaps I just have to get brave. Maybe, I thought, I just have to accept that I'm going to have to work for the rest of my life and kids will just have to fit into that.
I tried to "try on" that decision yesterday and think of possibilities. Then I read Melanie's and Gina's blogs and I could just cry. I want my babies! I don't want to miss anything! And if, somehow, Jeff and I were to work it out so we worked different schedules, at least saving the kids from the "work" of going to daycare, then I'd never see him and how is THAT good for a family and marriage!? It felt hopeless.
Well anyway, trying to stay on point here... My frustration with hesitations...
I didn't want to tell anyone this in case we changed our minds or it didn't work or something goes wrong or it takes a long time but, here's my "big secret." Back in October, I was again or still or whatever struggling with my job. It really is a good job and now that Jeff lost his, I'm glad we can get health insurance etc here. But I really got this job only to get through until I figured out what's next. Just to pay the bills until we got married and decided to... I just feel, and felt then, that I'm wasting my education and my skills and talents (whatever they are). So I was kind of going through a re-evaluation thing. I guess that none of that matters except to say that I was feeling chaos and in the middle of it, I felt a very calm and definite feeling that it was time to stop taking birth control pills. Not to scare us and say "let's try to have a baby" but just let's take this next step of getting off the pills. I prayed, we talked, etc and decided that's what we would do. Funny thing is, the same day I really felt I made the decision, was the day that Gina called to tell me they were expecting. That was a Friday and on Monday, Ben called to tell me they were also expecting again. I know it's silly but these things are like "signs" to me... time for babies! So, I decided that I would stay with this job until THAT happened.
Well, just to add to my hesitation problem, it was sometime in here that Dad called me to look up something in the paper about a "become a math teacher" thing. I went to a meeting for that and finally someone was telling me how to become a teacher without "wasting" my time and feeling like the education I already had was being discounted. I left the meeting feeling like it was finally do-able. But, by the time I got to the store on the way home, I was trying not to cry. "What is this feeling?" I wondered to myself. I knew, it was my babies.
Perhaps it's silly, but since I was 18, I have not been able to think about a career, especially teaching, without this big hesitation from a feeling of choosing between that and my babies. As I've blogged before, this almost sounds silly now considering I didn't even get married until I was 30! But THIS time, it felt like a real consideration to be made. And again, I fretted and fretted.
When Ben and Mel came at Christmas time, selfishly I couldn't wait to talk to them and partake of their wisdom. The night before they left again, I had a very good conversation with them. It basically came down to this: if you make a committment, all your other decisions fall into place. Perhaps that's what faith is. So, I prayed and fretted some more and realized we had made the choice/decision. No more birth control pills. Which means that a baby is what I've decided my "next" job will be. I felt especially encouraged in January when I got sick and threw up for no apparent reason.
But alas, it's July and I'm still not pregnant. Jeff lost his job and when I went up to get the paperwork for my work's insurance I had this sad sad feeling of being stuck here forever. This is in great contrast to the feeling I had the night he got fired when I felt like "yay! now we can do whatever we want! This is our chance to decide and make changes etc."
So, all this said, I'm just again asking the question "should I become a teacher?"
At times, I've wanted it so much I pray for it to all work out. And every time, I run into so many obstacles trying to make it happen that finally, frankly I give up. Other times, I feel like something kind of falls in my lap and then I'm faced with this feeling I can't get past of it not being right. Or something else happens that makes me think I should just be honest with myself and realize I will never have the assertiveness it takes to get up and be in charge of a class full of teenagers.
I also wonder what else I could do with my education? And I have silly dreams of running away to Alaska and/or becoming a llama farmer (no llamas in Alaska I guess, but maybe sled dogs?).
..........................................................................................................................................................................
I wrote this earlier in the day and then thought I better get some work done. Sometimes I just get tired of hearing myself... it's the same questions over and over and over again. Blah!
Anyway, I felt better and even decisive. I thought "you know what self? Just do it. You've wanted to be a teacher. You want to be a mother. Just start doing and let things work out."
Well, that lasted all of an hour or two (and that's a long time for me!). I just now got online to look at the teaching thing I keep thinking about and... I don't know what this feeling is? Fear? Inspiration? Hesitation. Sometimes I feel like I'm always trying to live two steps ahead of myself and it trips me up. I just don't know how to make sense of it all.
Last night, I had a hard time falling asleep because I was worrying about our finances. It's not just because Jeff doesn't have a job. I've been feeling like this anyway and almost feel like it doesn't even make a difference that he's not working (yeah right, we'll see how I feel in two weeks when he doesn't get a paycheck). I woke up at two this morning and couldn't go back to sleep for an hour worrying. Seriously, the only thing that calmed me was praying, crying, and then deciding that if it comes down to it, we'll just declare bankruptcy and start over. I don't know that we're really that bad off, but sometimes it feels like it.
The big question for me, as you know, is how do we have kids? The only thing, the only ambition/dream/goal that REALLY matters in my life is having a family. Yesterday morning, I thought of my Grandma Dorothy. She was widowed when her two youngest kids were just 5 and 7. She had to go to work and leave them. She had to do what she had to do. What a trick for life to play on her! I also thought of my great grandmothers walking across the plains and starting life in a desert- leaving all they had, some having to share a husband... My life is not so hard. Perhaps I just have to get brave. Maybe, I thought, I just have to accept that I'm going to have to work for the rest of my life and kids will just have to fit into that.
I tried to "try on" that decision yesterday and think of possibilities. Then I read Melanie's and Gina's blogs and I could just cry. I want my babies! I don't want to miss anything! And if, somehow, Jeff and I were to work it out so we worked different schedules, at least saving the kids from the "work" of going to daycare, then I'd never see him and how is THAT good for a family and marriage!? It felt hopeless.
Well anyway, trying to stay on point here... My frustration with hesitations...
I didn't want to tell anyone this in case we changed our minds or it didn't work or something goes wrong or it takes a long time but, here's my "big secret." Back in October, I was again or still or whatever struggling with my job. It really is a good job and now that Jeff lost his, I'm glad we can get health insurance etc here. But I really got this job only to get through until I figured out what's next. Just to pay the bills until we got married and decided to... I just feel, and felt then, that I'm wasting my education and my skills and talents (whatever they are). So I was kind of going through a re-evaluation thing. I guess that none of that matters except to say that I was feeling chaos and in the middle of it, I felt a very calm and definite feeling that it was time to stop taking birth control pills. Not to scare us and say "let's try to have a baby" but just let's take this next step of getting off the pills. I prayed, we talked, etc and decided that's what we would do. Funny thing is, the same day I really felt I made the decision, was the day that Gina called to tell me they were expecting. That was a Friday and on Monday, Ben called to tell me they were also expecting again. I know it's silly but these things are like "signs" to me... time for babies! So, I decided that I would stay with this job until THAT happened.
Well, just to add to my hesitation problem, it was sometime in here that Dad called me to look up something in the paper about a "become a math teacher" thing. I went to a meeting for that and finally someone was telling me how to become a teacher without "wasting" my time and feeling like the education I already had was being discounted. I left the meeting feeling like it was finally do-able. But, by the time I got to the store on the way home, I was trying not to cry. "What is this feeling?" I wondered to myself. I knew, it was my babies.
Perhaps it's silly, but since I was 18, I have not been able to think about a career, especially teaching, without this big hesitation from a feeling of choosing between that and my babies. As I've blogged before, this almost sounds silly now considering I didn't even get married until I was 30! But THIS time, it felt like a real consideration to be made. And again, I fretted and fretted.
When Ben and Mel came at Christmas time, selfishly I couldn't wait to talk to them and partake of their wisdom. The night before they left again, I had a very good conversation with them. It basically came down to this: if you make a committment, all your other decisions fall into place. Perhaps that's what faith is. So, I prayed and fretted some more and realized we had made the choice/decision. No more birth control pills. Which means that a baby is what I've decided my "next" job will be. I felt especially encouraged in January when I got sick and threw up for no apparent reason.
But alas, it's July and I'm still not pregnant. Jeff lost his job and when I went up to get the paperwork for my work's insurance I had this sad sad feeling of being stuck here forever. This is in great contrast to the feeling I had the night he got fired when I felt like "yay! now we can do whatever we want! This is our chance to decide and make changes etc."
So, all this said, I'm just again asking the question "should I become a teacher?"
At times, I've wanted it so much I pray for it to all work out. And every time, I run into so many obstacles trying to make it happen that finally, frankly I give up. Other times, I feel like something kind of falls in my lap and then I'm faced with this feeling I can't get past of it not being right. Or something else happens that makes me think I should just be honest with myself and realize I will never have the assertiveness it takes to get up and be in charge of a class full of teenagers.
I also wonder what else I could do with my education? And I have silly dreams of running away to Alaska and/or becoming a llama farmer (no llamas in Alaska I guess, but maybe sled dogs?).
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I wrote this earlier in the day and then thought I better get some work done. Sometimes I just get tired of hearing myself... it's the same questions over and over and over again. Blah!
Anyway, I felt better and even decisive. I thought "you know what self? Just do it. You've wanted to be a teacher. You want to be a mother. Just start doing and let things work out."
Well, that lasted all of an hour or two (and that's a long time for me!). I just now got online to look at the teaching thing I keep thinking about and... I don't know what this feeling is? Fear? Inspiration? Hesitation. Sometimes I feel like I'm always trying to live two steps ahead of myself and it trips me up. I just don't know how to make sense of it all.
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