Today I have a feeling that in the act of deciding, I can find peace and be in control of a whole lot of seemingly uncontrollable things. Perhaps it's even okay to not be in control all the time.
My mind has been swimming, racing, panicking, hiding for a long time. Today I feel like I know the answers.
Recently Khrystine posted a paper she had written for a class about forming life philosophies. I had so many thoughts, the main one being a realization that I am searching for parental guidance. This is not a criticism of my parents, but they seemed to spend a lot of time on older, more rebellious siblings and take a more hands off approach with me and my younger brother. In a way, I can see that some of my behavior was an attempt to parent myself. I have a need to always be in control, always do the "right" thing, never mess up. On the other hand, I was always the child, one of the "little kids." I had no authority. So now, sometimes, even as a grown up, I don't know that I can assert my own voice.
I tend to say I don't know a lot. Especially in emotionally charged conversations. But sometimes I do know.
Today I feel the glow of that knowing. It's like the peace of watching a waterfall- it has power and sound, but it's a calm, quiet strength.
Today I feel like I can stop the roller coaster world around me and insist on my smooth ride. I don't have to tolerate or deal with or make compromises for the ups and downs. I know what I want, I know what is right, I know what is required. And that is all that matters.
4 comments:
Thank you for your comment on my Mormon Mommy Blog. It feels really good to know you found it and appreciated what I wrote. If you would like to contribute I would be happy to add you to the author list.
I was just thinking today that a lot of the times I think it is typical for LDS people (myself included), to get caught up in "doing the right thing" that we forget that we are agents unto ourselves.
A friend of mine recently said that it didn't matter what she wanted because God had a plan for her and she looks forward to finding out what it is.
I take a completely different point of view than she does. I think God wants us to do what makes us happy (as long as we are keeping the commandments). He will direct our paths even while we are making our own choices. There is no reason to get stagnant simply because we feel like we have to okay everything with Him first. Our feelings and desires matter, and its only when we aren't open to His input or correction of course that we get into trouble.
I have a hunch that He can easily correct us if we are doing what we want, being happy, and being open to His guidance if it is needed.
I think my comment is related to your blog subject. Lol. Sometimes I ramble and forget my point while I type. I like your blog. You have good thoughts.
Oh yah, so I guess my point was that I agree that in the act of deciding, you can find peace and be in control of seemingly uncontrollable things.
It is only in the act of faith, or in other words, acting on our beliefs, that we can find out whether or not things will be okay.
Faith is a verb and action word that describes motion. Many people mistakenly treat it as if its an attitude.
Thanks for stopping by emily. I really appreciate your comments and I think you are right on. If you think that we are preparing to be like God, we must need to do some acting and doing on our own. I doubt He sits around waiting to be told what moves to make! I think I've also heard (maybe even experienced?) that He can't direct us until we starting doing. Even if we do start heading in the wrong direction- THAT's when He can step in and show us the more correct or happy way to go.
You two are very smart....reading your comments is a lesson in itself.
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