Is it Friday or am I an Introvert?

I never really knew what shy meant or cared that I was shy until I was in junior high. Then it felt like a curse I couldn't over come. Being shy meant much more than being quiet. It meant I was afraid and awkward and didn't like myself very much.
Sometime between the ages of 12 and 14, I took a personality test that was quite involved. One of the characteristics it determined was introvert vs. extrovert. I of course was an introvert but this test (or maybe it was Mom?) explained it in terms of energy. Do you get energy, do you relax and feel happy, by being around people or by taking some time to yourself? By myself, of course! This definition made me a lot happier than being "shy" and I've held onto it ever since.
Today, a lot of people are not at work. A lot of the people that are here, spent a lot of the morning in meetings. I've been a bit isolated and I've had more energy today than I've had all week. When I have had to talk to people, I've been competent and expressive in my job. I've even talked to people just friendly and felt better about it. I feel awake and almost even happy. I wonder if it's just feeling a bit of space around me in which to connect to me rather than feeling overwhelmed by people. Just an interesting observation.

Another thing I've observed about myself lately (y'know how Oprah talks about "aha" moments? I think I have "duh" moments) is that a lot of my criticism of other people comes from feeling like I don't fit in. I know people tell kids that other kids make fun of them just because they're jealous. I always thought, "no way! I don't want to be like them!" when I was critical of others. But sometimes I've realized it's true. I think this latest observation is more than that though. I don't just make fun of skinny people because I'm jealous. I find fault because I truly think they have something I don't.
Let me just be blunt. I get so upset sometimes just watching t.v. or movies because there is ALWAYS some hot girl. I have my blog rants and pout at Jeff because I can't stand the immodesty of how girls dress and act etc. Okay, that's true- the world is horrible-, but what I'm saying here is that I think I also react so strongly and angrily because I can't see myself as one of them. That's good in some ways, obviously, but I'm talking about I don't see myself as someone with... feminine wiles? Hahaha, just had to say that. But really. I can feel good about myself and think I'm a cute, charming, smart person. Then I see some stylish, flirtatious, hot girl and feel like crap because that is something I think I can never be. And, like the little kid I was, I honestly don't want to be, but I suppose there is some element in there that I wish I had.
I do. I wish I could see myself as hot and sexy and alluring and even just a girl... as when in the movies they say "Girls!" when they see a bunch of them walking by or something. I never even included myself in my group of friends in high school. I was fat so nobody would want that. I was shy and nobody would bother with that. I thought I was ugly so people would run from that. So, now I see a Victoria's Secret commercial and I'm filled with hate and anger because, rightfully, I don't want some girl parading around in front of my husband. But I also feel like that is something I not only don't have but could never have and I shut off anything inside of me that could be that.
Hm, this is an extreme example and it sounds like I'm talking just about sex and sex appeal. But it's everything. That's just the best or most obvious example of the feminine, beautiful... I'm not sure the adjective I'm looking for... I'm talking about. Here's maybe a better example. On the 4th of July, I was out with Jeff and I didn't really like the outfit I wore that day- hadn't put that shirt with those pants and got out and decided it just wasn't comfortable- but in spite of it was feeling good about myself and enjoying my day with him. I even felt pretty and charming and fun. Then we ran into someone he kinda knew at work. She wasn't that pretty or anything and she was standing outside smoking, but she was really skinny and had good hair and that "I'm all that" attitude and I instantly felt like crap. How can I compete? Look at my dowdy outfit. Etc etc etc. This may have been when I started to realize that the reason I say mean things, like she's not that pretty, is because I feel like I don't have THAT (whatever adjective I was looking for above). When instead I thought, okay, just be friendly, it wasn't so bad. If I thought, this is someone I would be friends with, I didn't feel so crappy about me and negative toward her.
So the point of this blog is not to fish for compliments or to realize I'm okay the way I am or have anyone tell me what's right with me. The first point is, it was just an observation and that maybe by realizing what my reaction is, I can not feel so down on myself. But it also makes me want to... define THAT and see what I have that is THAT and try to do something to feel better about myself so that I don't feel like such an odd ball...

Yesterday I was talking to Mom and Khrys and they had some really good definitions of style. I wish I had written down what Khrystine had said. But that's what I'm wanting. To really look at who I am and express that. Not think being shy is bad. Call it introverted and give it some understanding. Not be critical and so hurt by the evil in the world when I really just wish I had something I think I lack. Find what I am and go with that. The thing is, I do have times when I feel good about myself. I'm a math nerd, I wear flat shoes and not heels, I like undone hair... how can I take that and make it....
well, I don't know what to say. All I can think is how do I make it something else? And that is not the answer. I don't want to be something else, not even a Victoria's Secret model. My style is cute and cuddly not long/tall and sexy. Hmpf... I'm getting nowhere with this conversation.