Hesitations

I feel like the theme of my life is hesitation. I have a list of examples I want to go into just to say "this is what I'm talking about!" but seeing that I've been told and still get told that I kind of talk in circles and never get to the point, I'll try to just jump into what's going on now. I really would like some advice, insight, etc from people so PLEASE talk to me :) But, this is kinda personal and kinda my same old crap, so you don't have to read it if you don't want to :)


Last night, I had a hard time falling asleep because I was worrying about our finances. It's not just because Jeff doesn't have a job. I've been feeling like this anyway and almost feel like it doesn't even make a difference that he's not working (yeah right, we'll see how I feel in two weeks when he doesn't get a paycheck). I woke up at two this morning and couldn't go back to sleep for an hour worrying. Seriously, the only thing that calmed me was praying, crying, and then deciding that if it comes down to it, we'll just declare bankruptcy and start over. I don't know that we're really that bad off, but sometimes it feels like it.


The big question for me, as you know, is how do we have kids? The only thing, the only ambition/dream/goal that REALLY matters in my life is having a family. Yesterday morning, I thought of my Grandma Dorothy. She was widowed when her two youngest kids were just 5 and 7. She had to go to work and leave them. She had to do what she had to do. What a trick for life to play on her! I also thought of my great grandmothers walking across the plains and starting life in a desert- leaving all they had, some having to share a husband... My life is not so hard. Perhaps I just have to get brave. Maybe, I thought, I just have to accept that I'm going to have to work for the rest of my life and kids will just have to fit into that.

I tried to "try on" that decision yesterday and think of possibilities. Then I read Melanie's and Gina's blogs and I could just cry. I want my babies! I don't want to miss anything! And if, somehow, Jeff and I were to work it out so we worked different schedules, at least saving the kids from the "work" of going to daycare, then I'd never see him and how is THAT good for a family and marriage!? It felt hopeless.

Well anyway, trying to stay on point here... My frustration with hesitations...


I didn't want to tell anyone this in case we changed our minds or it didn't work or something goes wrong or it takes a long time but, here's my "big secret." Back in October, I was again or still or whatever struggling with my job. It really is a good job and now that Jeff lost his, I'm glad we can get health insurance etc here. But I really got this job only to get through until I figured out what's next. Just to pay the bills until we got married and decided to... I just feel, and felt then, that I'm wasting my education and my skills and talents (whatever they are). So I was kind of going through a re-evaluation thing. I guess that none of that matters except to say that I was feeling chaos and in the middle of it, I felt a very calm and definite feeling that it was time to stop taking birth control pills. Not to scare us and say "let's try to have a baby" but just let's take this next step of getting off the pills. I prayed, we talked, etc and decided that's what we would do. Funny thing is, the same day I really felt I made the decision, was the day that Gina called to tell me they were expecting. That was a Friday and on Monday, Ben called to tell me they were also expecting again. I know it's silly but these things are like "signs" to me... time for babies! So, I decided that I would stay with this job until THAT happened.

Well, just to add to my hesitation problem, it was sometime in here that Dad called me to look up something in the paper about a "become a math teacher" thing. I went to a meeting for that and finally someone was telling me how to become a teacher without "wasting" my time and feeling like the education I already had was being discounted. I left the meeting feeling like it was finally do-able. But, by the time I got to the store on the way home, I was trying not to cry. "What is this feeling?" I wondered to myself. I knew, it was my babies.

Perhaps it's silly, but since I was 18, I have not been able to think about a career, especially teaching, without this big hesitation from a feeling of choosing between that and my babies. As I've blogged before, this almost sounds silly now considering I didn't even get married until I was 30! But THIS time, it felt like a real consideration to be made. And again, I fretted and fretted.

When Ben and Mel came at Christmas time, selfishly I couldn't wait to talk to them and partake of their wisdom. The night before they left again, I had a very good conversation with them. It basically came down to this: if you make a committment, all your other decisions fall into place. Perhaps that's what faith is. So, I prayed and fretted some more and realized we had made the choice/decision. No more birth control pills. Which means that a baby is what I've decided my "next" job will be. I felt especially encouraged in January when I got sick and threw up for no apparent reason.

But alas, it's July and I'm still not pregnant. Jeff lost his job and when I went up to get the paperwork for my work's insurance I had this sad sad feeling of being stuck here forever. This is in great contrast to the feeling I had the night he got fired when I felt like "yay! now we can do whatever we want! This is our chance to decide and make changes etc."

So, all this said, I'm just again asking the question "should I become a teacher?"

At times, I've wanted it so much I pray for it to all work out. And every time, I run into so many obstacles trying to make it happen that finally, frankly I give up. Other times, I feel like something kind of falls in my lap and then I'm faced with this feeling I can't get past of it not being right. Or something else happens that makes me think I should just be honest with myself and realize I will never have the assertiveness it takes to get up and be in charge of a class full of teenagers.

I also wonder what else I could do with my education? And I have silly dreams of running away to Alaska and/or becoming a llama farmer (no llamas in Alaska I guess, but maybe sled dogs?).

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I wrote this earlier in the day and then thought I better get some work done. Sometimes I just get tired of hearing myself... it's the same questions over and over and over again. Blah!

Anyway, I felt better and even decisive. I thought "you know what self? Just do it. You've wanted to be a teacher. You want to be a mother. Just start doing and let things work out."

Well, that lasted all of an hour or two (and that's a long time for me!). I just now got online to look at the teaching thing I keep thinking about and... I don't know what this feeling is? Fear? Inspiration? Hesitation. Sometimes I feel like I'm always trying to live two steps ahead of myself and it trips me up. I just don't know how to make sense of it all.