There is a member of our family who is very needy. Sometimes it's hard to give to her because we feel like she expects too much and/or manipulates things. But, she is a good hearted, kind person.
I've been reading the Bible and Jesus didn't say love your neighbor only if they are lovable. He didn't say give charity only if it's convenient and the other person really deserves it. In fact, he said the opposite. He said not only to love our neighbors but to love our enemy. He said when someone asks a mile, "go with them twain." Even if you're sued in a court of law (which to me sounds pretty confrontational) and someone takes your coat, give them your cloak also. (Matthew 5:38-48)
It seems to me, we do a lot of explaining and justifying of ourselves. As with my family member, we think she needs tough love or doesn't deserve our compassion because she hasn't done enough to help herself. I'm not saying we should be taken advantage of or neglect ourselves, but I am saying we need to think more about it and give more charity and act in more faith.
I think our religion is one that teaches goals, hard work and independence. In a general sense, I think our American culture is based on the idea that God helps those who help themselves. I've heard it explained as a Puritan ideal- work hard and earn your blessings to prove that you are favored of God.
But again, this is not what the Bible says.
Perhaps it's just whats on my mind lately but I am really amazed as I read how unwordly Jesus' message is. I've aways know that but as I try to apply it to my life where I'm at now? I understand why he would address us as "ye of little faith."
As we try to come terms with his teaching, we justify and explain it all away. We are told to keep the sabbath day holy, but how many of us think it's okay to get called in to work or take the shift because we have to provide for our families? I'm not judging because we do what we have to do. I'm just trying to point out that when it really comes down to it, acting on faith is harder than what we were taught in primary.
"But seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you."
I believe the kingdom of God is our own home and families. This of course easily extends to helping our neighbors, doing missionary work, serving in the church, even acting with integrity at our jobs. But I think that his KINGDOM is in our homes.
As a woman, to seek first the kingdom of God means I will make a home that is happy, spiritual, uplifting. I will care for and support my husband, recognizing the different roles, characteristics, and needs men and women have. I will have children and teach them all that I know and help them to have confidence and courage and to be good, honest people.
If I focus on these things, if I seek them first- as in the forefront of my mind, heart, and actions, I will need not "take thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself.
For your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.
If God so clothe the grass of the field... shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?"
(Matthew 6:24-34)
So, as the bills pile up and money is something we just don't have, my Puritan genes tell me I must work harder, that I'm shirking my duties and before I'm even pregnant with my first baby, I feel doomed. Healthy meals get set aside for convenience. Family prayer, dinner, even playtime for the dog get interrupted and neglected because I'm too tired. I sometimes even feel disconnected from my home and it's just a place I go after work.
But what I need to do is focus more on these things. Seek them first and have faith. Not work more for money and bills. Seek the baby first and have faith that God will provide.
Work for the kingdom of God.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Filters
What a week this has been!
I'm sitting here now, just stealing a minute to clear my head and catch my breath. Phewf! I'm too tired and emotionally drained to read any real news, so I clicked onto something on the MNS webpage. Can't even remember what or why. Anyway, I was reading some article about relationships and looking at the other articles it had linked on the page. Phooey! What a bunch of crap. I wondered why we think any of these people really know anything? Then I realized how easily I filter some things but other things just kinda stick in my head. There are some people who I give no credence to at all! If they were to give me advice or even if I just over heard their opinions on certain topics, I wouldn't give it a care in the world, unless of course it was to think how off the mark they are or realize what a different world they live in. But then I'll read the same kind of thing in a magazine written by some "expert" and think the world is falling apart. I better watch my thoughts more closely. It's funny how every once in a while I have to remind myself that you can't believe everything you read. And even if you do and even if it's true, it doesn't mean it has to be part of your world. Just toss it out with the trash.
I'm sitting here now, just stealing a minute to clear my head and catch my breath. Phewf! I'm too tired and emotionally drained to read any real news, so I clicked onto something on the MNS webpage. Can't even remember what or why. Anyway, I was reading some article about relationships and looking at the other articles it had linked on the page. Phooey! What a bunch of crap. I wondered why we think any of these people really know anything? Then I realized how easily I filter some things but other things just kinda stick in my head. There are some people who I give no credence to at all! If they were to give me advice or even if I just over heard their opinions on certain topics, I wouldn't give it a care in the world, unless of course it was to think how off the mark they are or realize what a different world they live in. But then I'll read the same kind of thing in a magazine written by some "expert" and think the world is falling apart. I better watch my thoughts more closely. It's funny how every once in a while I have to remind myself that you can't believe everything you read. And even if you do and even if it's true, it doesn't mean it has to be part of your world. Just toss it out with the trash.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Not SO negative Nancy
Monday was a busier Monday than I've had in a while, and that's saying a lot. Tuesday and Wednesday haven't slowed down much either. I feel at any given moment that there are a million things I'm doing and supposed to keep track of. I don't like that feeling. It makes me not like what I'm doing and get mad at my job and wonder what the point is.
I tried on Monday to be constructive about my criticism and have a good attitude. My thoughts and attitude really do make a difference and, even though it's hard, I'm learning to control them at least a little.
Through Monday and into Tuesday, when I found myself feeling like "I hate my job," I tried to ask myself what it is I don't like. When I felt like I was so stressed I could cry or scream, I realized I didn't have to feel that way. It is just a job and it's not worth getting so frazzled over. This helped. I thought that maybe if I could identify real things I don't like, not just say I'm stressed and crazy, I would be able to change it, fix it, or at least ask for help.
1. I don't like the feeling of stress and feeling like there is more to do than I can get done. I am a very responsible person and I take it seriously when I have a job to do. I don't always like that feeling. Monday, there was TOO much to do.
2. A lot of people have needed my help this week. I like helping people. I also have a hard time saying no or setting limits. I feel like people were asking things of me that are not my job and other people were asking me things that they should be able to do by themself. I don't like feeling like I'm doing it because someone else is too lazy or, frankly, dumb to do it themself. I don't like feeling like if I don't do it, it's not going to get done.
3. Kind of the same thing, but I really don't like feeling unrecognized and unappreciated. I don't like it when I'm going out of my way and really doing more than my share to help someone and they treat me like they just expect it. When I'm running myself ragged to help them and they don't even realize it. Is this pride? I kind of don't like that I feel this way. It's like I want recognition or something and I don't think (or want to think) that's why I do things. But, sometimes, I really feel like no one has any clue how much work I'm doing and that's very frustrating and overwhelming and lonely.
So, it is a bit constructive to try to logicate (hahaha- great word!) these feelings. I can see that what I don't like isn't coming so much from this particular job, but in how I look at and respond to things. Any job would probably be the same. That helps.
It also makes me think of things I could use help with or make some changes with. At least there is action in that thought rather than just being overwhelmed by emotion, legitimate as it may be.
I tried on Monday to be constructive about my criticism and have a good attitude. My thoughts and attitude really do make a difference and, even though it's hard, I'm learning to control them at least a little.
Through Monday and into Tuesday, when I found myself feeling like "I hate my job," I tried to ask myself what it is I don't like. When I felt like I was so stressed I could cry or scream, I realized I didn't have to feel that way. It is just a job and it's not worth getting so frazzled over. This helped. I thought that maybe if I could identify real things I don't like, not just say I'm stressed and crazy, I would be able to change it, fix it, or at least ask for help.
1. I don't like the feeling of stress and feeling like there is more to do than I can get done. I am a very responsible person and I take it seriously when I have a job to do. I don't always like that feeling. Monday, there was TOO much to do.
2. A lot of people have needed my help this week. I like helping people. I also have a hard time saying no or setting limits. I feel like people were asking things of me that are not my job and other people were asking me things that they should be able to do by themself. I don't like feeling like I'm doing it because someone else is too lazy or, frankly, dumb to do it themself. I don't like feeling like if I don't do it, it's not going to get done.
3. Kind of the same thing, but I really don't like feeling unrecognized and unappreciated. I don't like it when I'm going out of my way and really doing more than my share to help someone and they treat me like they just expect it. When I'm running myself ragged to help them and they don't even realize it. Is this pride? I kind of don't like that I feel this way. It's like I want recognition or something and I don't think (or want to think) that's why I do things. But, sometimes, I really feel like no one has any clue how much work I'm doing and that's very frustrating and overwhelming and lonely.
So, it is a bit constructive to try to logicate (hahaha- great word!) these feelings. I can see that what I don't like isn't coming so much from this particular job, but in how I look at and respond to things. Any job would probably be the same. That helps.
It also makes me think of things I could use help with or make some changes with. At least there is action in that thought rather than just being overwhelmed by emotion, legitimate as it may be.
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
Important Discoveries
This moment is as it should be because the universe is as it should be,
Which means I am able to create a response
With no need to defend myself
And my desires will bloom.
A fish doesn't try to swim, it just swims.
A flower doesn't try to bloom, it just blooms.
I have been studying a book mom loaned me by Deepak Chopra. As far as I know, it is an eastern almost Taoist or Buddhist way of thinking. It presents 7 laws for success. I have been trying to focus on one each week. This week's lesson I have summarized for myself above.
When you are established in the knowledge of your true self, you can just be, like the fish and flowers.
As I read and wrote tonight, it all felt so clear. I am not here by accident. Everything in my life has led up to this and it's as it should be because the universe is as it should be. If that is true, it doesn't matter what my past is, I am responsible (able to respond- how's that for a definition!?) to create my future.
Last Sunday I went to church with Mom and Dad. A woman I knew there asked if I was still teaching at the college. When I explained what had happened and that I was no longer there, she asked if I miss it. I said yes and that I sometimes think about getting my teaching license so I could be a teacher at high school or junior high. She is a teacher, turns out in elementary, and simply said "well, come spend a day with me first" then explained that she puts in 60 hours a week then goes home and does homework and is looking forward to retirement. Somehow talking to her felt like one of the answers I went for. I even felt a certain relief as if someone was giving me permission to not want that anymore.
A day or two later, I read in the paper about the teacher shortage here. It was online so I was also able to read reader's comments and a few actually sounded intelligent. I wondered, if someone offered me to walk in a classroom and be a teacher at the end of August if I would take it. No. Perhaps that's more of a fear response and a feeling of not being prepared. But I think, at least for this week, I've found something.
Tonight as I pondered my reading, I realized something. I decided to be a mathematician, not a teacher, when I started college. I have already made that decision. I don't need to make it again now or every time I get bored or confused or want to do more with my life. I decided to be a mathematician. Now, let that decision bloom.
Which means I am able to create a response
With no need to defend myself
And my desires will bloom.
A fish doesn't try to swim, it just swims.
A flower doesn't try to bloom, it just blooms.
I have been studying a book mom loaned me by Deepak Chopra. As far as I know, it is an eastern almost Taoist or Buddhist way of thinking. It presents 7 laws for success. I have been trying to focus on one each week. This week's lesson I have summarized for myself above.
When you are established in the knowledge of your true self, you can just be, like the fish and flowers.
As I read and wrote tonight, it all felt so clear. I am not here by accident. Everything in my life has led up to this and it's as it should be because the universe is as it should be. If that is true, it doesn't matter what my past is, I am responsible (able to respond- how's that for a definition!?) to create my future.
Last Sunday I went to church with Mom and Dad. A woman I knew there asked if I was still teaching at the college. When I explained what had happened and that I was no longer there, she asked if I miss it. I said yes and that I sometimes think about getting my teaching license so I could be a teacher at high school or junior high. She is a teacher, turns out in elementary, and simply said "well, come spend a day with me first" then explained that she puts in 60 hours a week then goes home and does homework and is looking forward to retirement. Somehow talking to her felt like one of the answers I went for. I even felt a certain relief as if someone was giving me permission to not want that anymore.
A day or two later, I read in the paper about the teacher shortage here. It was online so I was also able to read reader's comments and a few actually sounded intelligent. I wondered, if someone offered me to walk in a classroom and be a teacher at the end of August if I would take it. No. Perhaps that's more of a fear response and a feeling of not being prepared. But I think, at least for this week, I've found something.
Tonight as I pondered my reading, I realized something. I decided to be a mathematician, not a teacher, when I started college. I have already made that decision. I don't need to make it again now or every time I get bored or confused or want to do more with my life. I decided to be a mathematician. Now, let that decision bloom.
Marriage
I drove home yesterday thinking about marriage and things people at work had to say yesterday. Jeff and I have been married for almost a year and a half already. That means we've been together everyday for almost two and a half years. I really do feel like it just keeps getting better... debt, job loss, and all. We've had a few pretty big fights. I've wondered, and I'm pretty sure he has too, if this is even gonna work or if we did the right thing. I know we've both said things that hurt each other. But over all, I love being married. I love going home and having him there. I love that he calls me during the day, sometimes just to tell me about the game he's playing. I love that when he was working grave yards he wanted me to call him as soon as I woke up; I even love that he sometimes couldn't wait to talk to me and would call me earlier than I wanted to wake up. I love being home with him and just going to the movie rental store. I love his smile and the way he holds me. He really is my best friend and, even though I felt like we were friends before lovers, I feel like the best friend thing has grown over time.
I can't imagine ever feeling, as in a general sense of being and not just having a bad day, that marriage is negative or that we generally annoy each other or that I could stand with people and actually make jokes about this and tell a newly wed to just wait, it'll get worse. Perhaps that's my naiviety? Maybe it's because I haven't reached that 3, 5 or 7 year mark?
But I was thinking as I drove home yesterday and it seems like the people who make the jokes and say negative things don't have that friendship thing. They have friends and they have a husband and sometimes they all socialize, but the spouse seems to be... like a separate thing. It kind of makes me think of friends in high school when the boyfriend just played a particular role. Did some people just never get past that? You know how some girls say they'd never let a guy come between them and their gal pals? Maybe it's not nice of me, but I never bought that. I thought "but when you find the right guy, the guy you're going to build your life with, he's got to come before the silly girlfriends and girl's night etc."
Jeff's the one I want to talk to about things. He's the one I want advice from, even when it's advice about "our relationship." I feel like if I can't talk to him about it, I probably shouldn't be talking about it. Not that I don't want and need other people's perspective sometimes or even to just blow off steam. But...
I guess I'm just saying I feel very connected to this person and the more time goes on, the more connected I feel. It's like I've given myself completely to this person and I feel totally comfortable with him only to wake up the next day and feel like I have more to give and share and things are even more comfortable and close. And if that's the way it's going, how can it ever turn into something you joke about at the office?
This gives me hope. I hope it's the friendship we have, the closeness we share, that will continue to grow and keep us strong and happy.
I can't imagine ever feeling, as in a general sense of being and not just having a bad day, that marriage is negative or that we generally annoy each other or that I could stand with people and actually make jokes about this and tell a newly wed to just wait, it'll get worse. Perhaps that's my naiviety? Maybe it's because I haven't reached that 3, 5 or 7 year mark?
But I was thinking as I drove home yesterday and it seems like the people who make the jokes and say negative things don't have that friendship thing. They have friends and they have a husband and sometimes they all socialize, but the spouse seems to be... like a separate thing. It kind of makes me think of friends in high school when the boyfriend just played a particular role. Did some people just never get past that? You know how some girls say they'd never let a guy come between them and their gal pals? Maybe it's not nice of me, but I never bought that. I thought "but when you find the right guy, the guy you're going to build your life with, he's got to come before the silly girlfriends and girl's night etc."
Jeff's the one I want to talk to about things. He's the one I want advice from, even when it's advice about "our relationship." I feel like if I can't talk to him about it, I probably shouldn't be talking about it. Not that I don't want and need other people's perspective sometimes or even to just blow off steam. But...
I guess I'm just saying I feel very connected to this person and the more time goes on, the more connected I feel. It's like I've given myself completely to this person and I feel totally comfortable with him only to wake up the next day and feel like I have more to give and share and things are even more comfortable and close. And if that's the way it's going, how can it ever turn into something you joke about at the office?
This gives me hope. I hope it's the friendship we have, the closeness we share, that will continue to grow and keep us strong and happy.
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
They're raining on me and not in a good way
I'm sitting at work... I just have to get through 10 more minutes... listening to all the people at the end of our area talking about how bad marriage is.
"I'll give you two years, but by year three... " they say to the girl who's not been married for six months yet.
"Five years is the line," says another.
"They say it's seven, but five is where it goes down hill."
Is this really what I have to look forward to?
I've decided in the last few days that Jeff and I should just pack up our stuff and head for Alaska. We can figure it out when we get there. If I had any room on a credit card or any sort of savings, I might just be serious.
"I'll give you two years, but by year three... " they say to the girl who's not been married for six months yet.
"Five years is the line," says another.
"They say it's seven, but five is where it goes down hill."
Is this really what I have to look forward to?
I've decided in the last few days that Jeff and I should just pack up our stuff and head for Alaska. We can figure it out when we get there. If I had any room on a credit card or any sort of savings, I might just be serious.
The Sunny Side of the Street
I slept a lot last night. I feel like I went to bed really early. I still had a hard time getting up this morning and by the time I drove to work, I was SO tired. Maybe I'm getting sick. I've also been very stressed lately with our financial situation.
However, when I took the dog out this morning, hoping she'd hurry because I needed to get in the shower, the air was a bit cool and smelled like rain. I thought that it is kind of nice to get up and go out side first thing in the morning. I tried to enjoy just feeling and smelling the air. It gave me more patience with the dog and started my day on a more calm note.
However, when I took the dog out this morning, hoping she'd hurry because I needed to get in the shower, the air was a bit cool and smelled like rain. I thought that it is kind of nice to get up and go out side first thing in the morning. I tried to enjoy just feeling and smelling the air. It gave me more patience with the dog and started my day on a more calm note.
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