The Math Doesn't Add Up

Today I cleaned... let me rephrase that... Today I vacuumed my car. It's embarrassing to admit, but this is the first time since the baby was born that it's been vacuumed. EW! Jeff and his mom cleaned it out while I was in the hospital. It was full of dog hair. As I cleaned today, there was still a lot of dog hair! EW! And I had my baby in there!?
Perhaps it sounds worldly, but my car is one of my most prized material possessions. Not because it's really cool or fancy or expensive, but because I worked hard to get it and it's mine. I didn't get a car until I graduated from college and had a good job. And I had it nearly paid off by the time I got married. I took such good care of my car. Regular trips to the doctor (ie. Jiffy Lube). Regular baths. Etc etc. It truly saddened me that it was so dirty today. So dirty that there are some places I don't know if I'll ever get clean.
What happened???

I started writing the following a couple weeks ago, but couldn't get anywhere with it:

As I lay in bed the other night, I was thinking of all the things in my life that just aren't me. This wasn't as negative as it sounds, I was actually being constructive. But how can I claim that things aren't me, when all the choices and their consequences are obviously falling around me? So I started thinking of what I think I am and what I used to be...

I always paid my bills on time. I never overdrew my checkbook. I had near perfect credit with nearly no debt. I had credit cards but my biggest fault was that I would use them to get something I wanted or needed rather than saving up and using cash. But I would always stop after I got so far- no where near the limits on the things- and pay it off before I would use it again.

I always went to church, paid my tithing, had callings, said my prayers, read scriptures.

I used to exercise and eat vegetables... at least I tried. I did my hair and wore make-up and nice clothes. I came to appreciate my body and be happy with how I looked. My confidence came from the inside and it started to show on the outside. I felt good about me.

I cleaned my house and took pride, in the right kind of way, in how it looked and felt to be there.

Things are different now. Sometimes it feels like things are just a big mess- especially financially. I have hope and feel like we are getting back on track and sometimes I even feel okay about everything.

It was kind of good for me to clean the car today. It made me feel like I was taking charge and realize that this is NOT how I am, this is NOT the way I do things and so... I'm not going to anymore.

Accidentally in Love

The words and tune are awesome! So happy. So what falling in love should be. You're just going along and suddenly find yourself so connected to this person that you can't live without them. There's a deepness to it, but a happiness to it. The song says something like a "snowball running... can't explain it but I can't ignore it."

I had a philosophy instructor in college ask if we fall or jump into love. When he called on me, I said I thought we walk really close to the edge and hope to be pushed. He thought this was brilliant. So brilliant in fact that a year later in a different class at a different college, he remembered me and told me how brilliant it was and that he tells every class what I said when he gets to that lecture/discussion.

Falling, jumping, walking the edge, happening by accident as if fate or destiny or some power beyond yourself is in control was perfect when I was in high school and I'd get up in the morning looking forward to the one class when I could walk down the one hallway to see the one guy I'd been hoping to see all day. "Love" was emotionally and hormonally charged and everything was intense. This was even better when I was in college and the person I was really falling in love with was myself. Having confidence, I could truly give of myself and fall for someone for who he really was and knowing him on the inside. And, perfectly, I think I accidentally fell in love when I met my husband. One day it was like being hit in the head with how much I enjoyed talking to this person and how sad I was to see him leave for the night. The flirtations came naturally, unplanned, unguarded, no games, no plans. And the deepness just happened. The trust, the desire, the closeness. No work, no effort, no show. Just natural.

Could I accidentally fall in love now? I don't think so. My heart is committed elsewhere and I'm simply not walking that edge. Logically, in some way, I guess it makes sense when people say something, an affair, cheating, leaving your lover for another, just happened. Perhaps you work on a project with someone at work or school and feelings develop as you get to know them. Maybe an old flame comes back and reignites something. Or a friend gets a bit too close. But to make love out of this?

Love is more than a feeling, it's an action. Like I said, my heart is taken, so I just don't get it. But even setting that aside, you would have to choose to take that step. Even if all you chose was to walk the edge where your life no longer belongs.

Don't know why I'm posting about this

I walked in on the end of Oprah today. It was about child molesters. In the part I caught, Oprah was telling people that they can teach their kids, therefore protect them, by telling them that they have control over their bodies and if something doesn't feel right, it's okay to say no. She said that a 5 year old doesn't know how to do this but when they are older, it's important that they have the words etc. By "empowering" kids this way, they can protect themselves because a molester doesn't want a fuss. If you "don't let" him, he'll go find an easier victim and leave you alone.
This is probably good advice for kids to know.
But it bothered me what it implies about anyone who has been hurt this way. Like if you were old enough to "know" better and you didn't say anything it's kind of your own fault. Also, I've heard it's common for victims to think they are saving the perpetrator from hurting anyone else, like younger siblings, by taking the abuse themselves. By refusing, they might just be sending him to hurt someone else and they wouldn't want that to happen.

Getting Orientated

Last Thursday, I went to orientation at the U with Khrys. It was a significant day for her and I was glad she asked me to accompany her. I've always wanted/felt a need to be a good example for Khrys, James and Gina and college is something I really wanted them to know was a great thing. And it was really fun taking my baby with us. Education is something I want my children to value.

Selfishly, I was also excited to be there for me. I wanted in some way to reconnect with myself. Being at the U was some of the greatest time in my life. I found myself. I found confidence. I realized that I liked myself. I just wanted to go back and remember some of the feelings I had while I was there to give me strength in my new life.
As we sat at the orientation, I had the strangest feeling. It was so strong, I felt like I would throw up. It wasn't a positive thing, but it's not like it was a bad thing either. I kept thinking of the movie Back to the Future when there are two Martys running around and he has to be careful not to run into himself. I imagined that what I was feeling would be like sensing a past or future self without really knowing they were present. The memories, the places, it was all so vivid, it was like I could reach out and touch my past self. She was just through the wall, down the hill, in the next building.
I think I was also sensing possibility. One of my favorite authors is Richard Bach. He often writes of new age thinking and "goes back" to deliver messages to his past selves. He believes (perhaps for real, perhaps just theoretically like I like to think of it) that for every decision we make, we split into several or many alternate selves. It's like multiple dimensions. Every decision you make, you continue to live the life that follows that path. But there are other "yous" that chose the other options and are following those paths. Being at the U was like being in contact with all those alternate paths. If I wouldn't have held back here, if I would have followed that, if something else would have worked out... so many possibilities!
Then we broke from the meeting and went to talk to advisors. The students were grouped by their intended major and by the time Khrys got to her advisor, there was just her and one other guy. We talked to him briefly and he was planning to study Classical Greek because he wants to go into the clergy. He had the kindest eyes. It was exciting! The people you meet at a University are amazing! They are of my tribe, if I can be so bold as to claim it. Smart. Educated. Dreamers. Planners. Doers.
I sat in the lobby while the two of them went in to talk to the advisor. Rayne played on the floor and kissed her baby doll making that sound I sometimes make when I kiss her "mmm-muh!" And that's probably about when it came clear. Then or later as we sat eating the yummy sandwiches I used to buy at the Union and wanted to make sure Khrystine sampled and Rayne ate most her snacks off the floor. My life, where I'm at now, is where I'm at. All those possibilities are entertaining to look at, even now looking back. But I am where I am because it's what I chose and it's what is right and it's MY life.
Things now aren't always what I thought they would look like. There are some things I am really struggling with. But if I can get everyone else's voice out of my head, I think I'm doing okay. I can even say that for the most part, I am happy. Life won't always look like this. Things will change and get better (I hope). For now, I'll just be where I'm at.
It just may be that for the first time since I graduated, I've closed the door on that wonderful experience and am ready to move on holding onto the tangible things it gave me instead of unreal possibilities.