Getting Orientated

Last Thursday, I went to orientation at the U with Khrys. It was a significant day for her and I was glad she asked me to accompany her. I've always wanted/felt a need to be a good example for Khrys, James and Gina and college is something I really wanted them to know was a great thing. And it was really fun taking my baby with us. Education is something I want my children to value.

Selfishly, I was also excited to be there for me. I wanted in some way to reconnect with myself. Being at the U was some of the greatest time in my life. I found myself. I found confidence. I realized that I liked myself. I just wanted to go back and remember some of the feelings I had while I was there to give me strength in my new life.
As we sat at the orientation, I had the strangest feeling. It was so strong, I felt like I would throw up. It wasn't a positive thing, but it's not like it was a bad thing either. I kept thinking of the movie Back to the Future when there are two Martys running around and he has to be careful not to run into himself. I imagined that what I was feeling would be like sensing a past or future self without really knowing they were present. The memories, the places, it was all so vivid, it was like I could reach out and touch my past self. She was just through the wall, down the hill, in the next building.
I think I was also sensing possibility. One of my favorite authors is Richard Bach. He often writes of new age thinking and "goes back" to deliver messages to his past selves. He believes (perhaps for real, perhaps just theoretically like I like to think of it) that for every decision we make, we split into several or many alternate selves. It's like multiple dimensions. Every decision you make, you continue to live the life that follows that path. But there are other "yous" that chose the other options and are following those paths. Being at the U was like being in contact with all those alternate paths. If I wouldn't have held back here, if I would have followed that, if something else would have worked out... so many possibilities!
Then we broke from the meeting and went to talk to advisors. The students were grouped by their intended major and by the time Khrys got to her advisor, there was just her and one other guy. We talked to him briefly and he was planning to study Classical Greek because he wants to go into the clergy. He had the kindest eyes. It was exciting! The people you meet at a University are amazing! They are of my tribe, if I can be so bold as to claim it. Smart. Educated. Dreamers. Planners. Doers.
I sat in the lobby while the two of them went in to talk to the advisor. Rayne played on the floor and kissed her baby doll making that sound I sometimes make when I kiss her "mmm-muh!" And that's probably about when it came clear. Then or later as we sat eating the yummy sandwiches I used to buy at the Union and wanted to make sure Khrystine sampled and Rayne ate most her snacks off the floor. My life, where I'm at now, is where I'm at. All those possibilities are entertaining to look at, even now looking back. But I am where I am because it's what I chose and it's what is right and it's MY life.
Things now aren't always what I thought they would look like. There are some things I am really struggling with. But if I can get everyone else's voice out of my head, I think I'm doing okay. I can even say that for the most part, I am happy. Life won't always look like this. Things will change and get better (I hope). For now, I'll just be where I'm at.
It just may be that for the first time since I graduated, I've closed the door on that wonderful experience and am ready to move on holding onto the tangible things it gave me instead of unreal possibilities.