Tonight as I went to get in the shower, I felt a bit vulnerable. Rayne and Grandma had gone to bed and Jeff was still at school. I don't like leaving Rayne even long enough to shower if no one is there to get her. But I'm pretty quick at showering when I have to be and I can hear her through the wall. You know how those thoughts enter your mind though and I started being afraid of being home alone with just the three of us. It's not like we could fight anyone off if we had to and I wondered if Grandma left the back door unlocked for Jeff to come home. I thought that if someone came in and robbed us or worse hurt my baby, I would never forgive myself. It would be all my fault.
Okay, moment of rational thinking. It's not totally unreasonable to be concerned and safe. And if something huge and tragic like that happened, you would blame yourself. But this train of thought was interesting to me because I'd spent the day with mom trying to figure out some of my life and as I showered I realized that even if someone mean and evil and horrible were to break into my house and hurt my loved ones, I would still blame myself. It wouldn't, in a way, be the bad guy's fault. I'm the one that didn't protect myself when I know there are people like that out there.
Huh!?!?!?!
Is everything my fault?
1 comment:
HUH ??!!! But I know you and I know that is just how YOU would feel, more than anyone else I know. It might be that you are trying to take control of your life and even in these thoughts you want to do that. I think we blame ourselves, or would blame ourselves, because then maybe we can change whatever it is.
It also seems to me that some of us have to get pushed and shoved for a long time, but eventually we scream 'that's enough' and fight back. We don't accept our old way of thinking anymore. If we're lucky, it has worn itself thin and begins to shred and tear and disappear. I know how you feel about the baby and the shower. I was afraid that way, afraid the evil person could just sneak in the window and take my baby. And I knew that was irrational, but guess what, it can happen [Elizabeth Smart, for example] so it isn't so irrational after all. My defense is prayer. I believe in it very strongly. What else can some of us do? You might also be surprised how much fight you have in you if the need arises...i.e. mudderbears. They can be fearsome. But be calm. You will all be safe. Say your prayers and know you are gaurded from above.
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