So I had some time this morning and was typing about the same old stuff but in a somewhat different light, but I didn't get anywhere and deleted it all. I had a work lunch meeting and as I was sitting there, it dawned on me... the answer: because I think I have to.
The question:
I told Jeff today that I still find myself worrying (it's more like fretting actually) that we'll offend people by who we have and haven't invited to our wedding. He asked why I care so much what people think. Not a new question. I've been bothered by that for a long time.
I think I'm a people pleaser because I'm generally a nice person and just want people to feel good and be happy. To go a bit deeper and be more selfish, it is a kind of defense. I'm trying to avoid conflict. I've psycho analyzed that to death. Even deeper, I'm afraid of disapproval. That gets a bit trickier to figure out. Why would it hurt me so much to have people disapprove of me when objectively I don't even respect many people's opinions?
But sitting in my meeting today, for some reason, it was so simple. I worry what people think because I think I have to. I try to please people, putting my own feelings, needs, opinions aside, because I think I have to. It's like it's hard wired. I've always thought if I talked and thought and analyzed it enough, I'd work out some deep emotional trauma and THEN I could get over it. It hasn't worked. Perhaps realizing that it's simply a trained response will help.
Yesterday Jeff asked me a question and I knew the answer was "Yes! Definitely!" What actually came out of my mouth was "Well, kind of." I'm not afraid of him. I wasn't too afraid of the topic. It's just the way I talk. It got me thinking that maybe I just need to talk differently. It's not a deep psychological issue (well, that could be where things come from, but to change it...) it's just a behavior. Perhaps if I changed some behaviors some of the psychology would change with it. (Where was I in psych101?).
I need to say "yes definitely" more often and try to get rid of the "well kind of."
I go into a store to look at flowers for my wedding and I start apologizing and explaining and feeling pressured and stressing out and trying to think of what the sales person wants at my wedding... because I have to act that way. I worry about what the woman at work that I think is not a nice person and isn't pretty and only kind of dresses well will think of what I'm wearing... because I have to think that way. I answer with "maybe kind of, well ho hum"... because I have to. I feel stupid and make mistakes when talking to people at work... because...somehow!... I think I have to.
Isn't that weird?
2 comments:
This is very intersting. Just off the bat...(what a weird expression),....I would say you are definitely on the right track. Change the behavior, change the fact. You are very likely on the right track about being hard-wired, programmed, taught by the environment you grew up in. Still, you don't have to leave it that way. Just decide what you want to change and then use some Tuttle techniques to re-create your mind's image.
It's really difficult to know why we tend to be so imtimidated by salespeople, etc. I wonder if it's created by all the noise and visual pollution that is always around us, the hyper-tension. Have you ever considered how we are treated at restaurants? About mid-meal we start being edged out by the waitress, and sometimes the manager. They come to check on your satisfaction, (they'd better,) and then they check again, and then "do you want a take-home box?" And soon you realize they are wishing you would hurry up and get through and get out of there. It's very subtle,but it's there. No wonder we think the other person is in charge. No wonder we feel pressured to please.
Well..BOLOGNY!!!.. I say. Hopefully, just because you are aware of the situation, that will work to change your own actions. And you'll become more and more in charge of your own feelings, etc. No one is in charge of you except yourself...create who you want yourself to be and let her grow. You go girl!!
Ironically, I bet the last thing any of these people want is for you to say, "Well, kind of." That's just annoying. It pawns all the responsibility off on them when it's YOUR decisions, YOUR wedding, YOUR life, etc.
Don't take this the wrong way. Honestly, I'm saying this because I love you and because if you can really understand that this is true, maybe it will at least help you not stress about what they're thinking/feeling. I don't want you to exhaust yourself with the worry, but if it helps to know you're exhausting them too, then there you go. Sometimes people pleasers need to realize how unpleasing their people-pleasing can be. (I deal with the same type of problems, so I'm not being holier-than-thou here.)
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