The other day I came across an online article about Miss America (Miss USA?). She had been seen in NY partying, drinking, "clubbing" and she was underage (because if it were "legal" it would be an okay thing for Miss America to be doing?). Somehow the beautiful Donald Trump owns the pagaent and it was up to him whether to fire her or not. He decided to give her another chance. Her reign is coming to an end, so this article was a blurb about what comes next for her and discussed her second chance and all the experience she gained in rehab. She is now 21 and even though it's legal for her to drink, she said "alcoholic addicition" is something she'll have to face everyday. At the top of the article was a picture of her in a bikini. She is beautiful.
I tried writing a blog on the day I read the article. I had been dealing with a couple women at work that week that... really don't look like Miss America. But they are really sweet, funny, smart girls. I tried to come to some conclusion, some interesting thought or insight into the female mind but it was lacking. All I guess I was trying to say is that it was quite a shock to me to realize that no matter what Miss America is like on the inside- she could be a mean, immoral, stupid, alcoholic addict- and I would still look at her and wish I was as beautiful as she is.
It's all on the outside and I wonder (or realized?) just how shallow I am.
As I recently blogged about, I've given up wearing make-up. Well, I haven't given up my make-up-aholic addiction cold turkey, but for the most part I've been going without it. I feel like it's been quite an experience. A blog worthy experiment. But somehow it's hard to express it.
There have been surprisingly many days when I've looked at myself and been happy to realize I'm not ugly. I even have felt pretty and dressed up without putting make-up on. There are other days when I've felt so ugly I almost cry. Sometimes, it even feels objective- I can't go to work in a semi-professional environment and not do more to fix myself up (of course this was on days when the clothes and hair-do/lack of were bothering me too).
I mentioned that when I'm with the love of my life, it sometimes (often) feels better to have a clean face with my hair out of the way and just wear comfortable clothes. I know he loves me. I believe we have something strong. And obviously I'm not so shallow as to not realize that love is more than skin deep.
Even as I type, I realize I'm censoring myself though. I say I've felt pretty, I say I feel better with him... and even though these things are true, I say them almost more because I feel I have to. Like the feminist voice out there (or is it in here? in MY head?) makes me say them so that it's more "okay" to say what I really think and feel. I look at Miss America and cry because I'm not that pretty. I'm going to Hawaii on my honey moon and I feel bad that I can't wear a bikini and look that "hot" for the guy I love. The other day we had been arguing about something and when we made-up and things were okay, I seriously started crying because I felt sad I'm not more beautiful for him.
Before anyone jumps to conclusions and wants to come to my rescue, let me say that it's ME, not him. He reassures me that I'm the most beautiful girl to him and that he's proud of me. I've told him that I want him to be proud of me. Especially in a scenario, for example, if we ran into his ex-girlfriend. I'd want him to say "LOOK! at how much better I have." And I know that in that situation it would almost all be based on what's on the outside.
At first, what I struggled with not wearing make-up is that I felt like I couldn't do anything to be pretty for my man. But what I've come to realize is that it's not about him, it's about me. I need to feel pretty in order to accept that he loves me. I need to feel pretty in order to believe he is proud of me. What I don't understand is why it is so based on the outside.
Media. Psychology. Men and feminism. Perfectionism. Society. Peer pressure. I could give examples in all these of things that maybe affected the way I think and feel and have made me what I am today. It's probably a combination of all of them.
It's funny because as I type, the thing that's been the most helpful is admitting to myself that I want to look a certain way. Perhaps that is what it all comes down to. It doesn't matter who told me it's better to look one way than another or whether that's right or not, I have to admit to my beauty-aholic addiction (don't they say the first step to recovery is to admit you have a problem?). Maybe it would be self defining for me to stand up and say I want it. Because I feel like I'm not supposed to. It does bother me that I would look at a Miss America and feel bad about myself for not having what she does and think that she is anything better than anyone else just because of what she looks like on the outside and I wouldn't think twice about the sweet women at work who don't look like that when they have much more admirable and desirable characteristics. I feel like I'm supposed to have good self esteem and not be un-educated enough to buy into the pressures of media and worldly views. And even worse, how un-spiritual and un-God like can I be to look so much at the outside? And then to talk about it and not only bore people with my blogs, but probably insult the women who don't wear enough make-up or wear too much or whatever anyone is going to think I'm directing at them... Hm.
I want to look like Miss America. I want to think like Albert Einstein. I want to be as spiritual as Buddha. I want to be as artistic and poetic as.... ? I want to be as happy as Walt Disney. I want to live with the integrity of Pres. Hinckley. I want to be as kind as my first grade teacher.
(Just a note. That could be the problem. Notice that only two of the people mentioned are women. I don't like other women much- not in a spectator sort of way. I have friends and family that I admire greatly but from a distance, there aren't many admirable ones. Maybe that would help me. I remember one night watching a movie in which the main character's whole persona was what I want to be like. She was cute inside and out and had qualities I like to think I have. The next day at church the girl speaking was so polished and smart and pretty. I thought I would like to be like her. But then the girl from the movie popped in my head and she was just as good as, but quite different from the girl at church. It helped me to admire the church girl but not feel like I needed to change who I was).
1 comment:
I think it's in out natures to want to be beautiful. Even in the Bible women are described as being beautiful and fair. ( I don't know where exactly. It's in the Old Testament. Look it up.) And there is such a conditioning process going on in the media. Turn off the sound of the television and just watch all the female models. They all have the same (dumb) look on their faces, in their eyes. And they are ALL presented as beautiful, desireable, almost like mannaquins, but kind of mindless, somehow. There's a definite (Zoolander?) look in everyone of them. It's kind of scary. Think about it...no one even wears a tee shirt without putting some kind of label on the front of it. The world is becoming peopled with humanoids....I don't know where that leaves you, or me. I prefer to wear make-up and I love to figure out what season, or vibration, or energy or whatever, I am. It's fun. And we all need to be aware of our own uniqueness. If you think about it too much, it becomes so complex. I say do what you WANT to do, and feel wonderful about it. Your quality cannot be lessened. It's there no matter what. Just don't forget that.
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