If I were a painter

The other day, my one true love told me that he would prefer it if I didn't wear make-up. I asked him later why, thinking that maybe it just bothered him when he has to wait for me to "get ready" to go out or to take it all off before a night in. He said it's because it's not real, it's not natural. The first time he saw me without make-up he said he liked seeing what I really look like. I thought that was extremely cool. I've never felt so open and real with someone- like someone really sees me.

I keep telling myself I should be really happy that I don't HAVE to ever wear make-up again. I always wanted to be with someone who loved me for who I am and saw me as beautiful, even without my mask. Mind you, I've never worn MUCH make-up; I've always preferred the natural look.

But I keep feeling kinda down about it. I don't know why and I don't get it. It's fine when we spend the weekend hanging out. I actually feel MORE pretty with my hair pulled up, my face clean, and wearing comfortable clothes when I'm with him. I have nothing to hide with him and it feels better than anything!

Perhaps what was discouraging was just that we spend so much time together and are so comfortable together that I wanted to get a bit dressed up and look pretty for him. We were going to the mall when he told me this and I had taken a bit of time to "get dressed up." It wasn't much, but I felt pretty, only to have him tell me he'd prefer it if I didn't. It wasn't like he was rude or said I looked bad or anything like that. Like I said, it should be a good thing, but I keep feeling like I'm losing something if I can't "get pretty" for him. And it worries me - like why would you chose someone fat and ugly?

That's really discouraging because I've spent years realizing that I'm NOT fat and ugly and that I am pretty and people are attracted to me. Now, the person that's supposed to appreciate that more than anyone, the person I'm giving that all to, is the one who... Who what? I don't know. I was about to say who doesn't appreciate it. But maybe he does and that's why he'd prefer it if I didn't put on a mask etc. Maybe the problem is with me. I don't know how to be pretty for him and can't accept that maybe I just am because I am- not the clothes, make-up, hair-do.

I haven't worn eye make-up for two days to work. Without it, I tend to feel naked and vulnerable. I never wear much anyway and keep thinking I should, so that I look a bit dressed up for work. Maybe I don't want other people to see what I really look like. Maybe I just don't like the dark circles under my eyes and the fact that I always look tired and make-up allows me to at least pretend I'm covering those things.

I think I just want to be everything for the guy I love. As anti-feminist as it sounds, I do want to be pretty and feminine and all those things for him. I want him to be proud of me when we're seen together or when he introduces me to someone he knows. And, perhaps it is unfortunate that the world puts so much value on the outside, but looking good is a part of that.

The thing is, I see beautiful women, I know beautiful women, that don't need the make-up. They have a natural air about them and they don't at all look like the frumpy dumpy 'I don't care' women that I'm afraid of becoming or, at least, resembling. Why do I think that in order to look good and be someone he can be proud of, I have to paint my face and put on something that some would call "unnatural?" Why can't I look good in my comfy clothes and laid back style?

A few weeks ago, I woke up in a bad mood. I also had been wanting to "look pretty" for my man and we were going to a holiday party that night. So, I got ready with two things on my mind. One: I am pretty and I can show you I can be a hot girl. And two: I don't want to look like me. And it worked. I put on more eyeliner than I had in months. I did my hair just right. I wore a pretty outfit. And everyone that day, including my guy, told me I looked pretty. I liked how I looked and I felt pretty. I also felt like I'd betrayed myself because I'd had the attitude/intention of not looking like myself.

This is such a weird identity crisis. I've spent a good long time single and alone and learning to love myself, as myself, by myself- strong and independent and self assured. Now, I've met the love of my life, my other half, the one who thinks I'm beautiful when he can see what I really look like, the one who completes me. I feel I've had the best of both worlds. I am completely and fully myself...

So why am I so lost not knowing if I want to wear make-up or not? I don't even know what I want to look like- or what I do look like. And, no offense but, I don't think that men really get the pressure and confusion this causes for women. They don't understand why we can have complete conversations about hair and make-up etc. We must sound really materialistic and proud to them. If they could just see that it's something deeper, some searching for self and beauty and the artistic nature God has put in us... well, at least it is for some of us.