Some phiolosophies claim that we bring into our lives what we most need to learn. I guess it's not that different than believing in fate or that God has a purpose for us- even to the point that our challenges are tailor made. I don't know if I believe any of that? But I have been thinking of events in my life over the last couple years that have all made me feel about the same. Why would I bring these controversies into my life? What am I trying to learn?
Perhaps I'm hoping for something that will push me over the edge and justify a scream. Something to finally make me stand up and say "Hey! I exist! You can't treat me like this!"
I remember when I was younger actually having the fantasy that I was a mute child genius artist. I thought that then people would have to listen to me- because they couldn't hear my voice, they'd have to look into my art to really understand me.
Why am I so afraid of hearing my own voice? What do I think will happen if I begin to speak? Sometimes I get so flustered and start stuttering or honestly just don't know what I think or feel. But sometimes I think the truth is, I do know. It's in there somewhere, but if even I am not listening, why bother? I think sometimes that I am my most prized possession and that's why I hide me from the rest of the world. I don't trust it to value something as precious as I am. Other times, I just feel rather worthless, or at least like everyone knows better.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! I'm here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1 comment:
Worrying about what other people think is a serious waste of time. For one, you will never REALLY know what they think about you. Two, you can't really affect how they feel about you. Not really. So, if you're going to be disliked as is, you might as well be yourself! No point in always trying to please everyone else and being disliked for it anyway! And isn't that what people with this paranoia think? That you're always disliked or being stupid or something? So if you figure you're stuck with this mentality, don't waste more time by trying to please anyone else. You're suffering the same paranoias and self-doubts either way, so be yourself. (Yeah, yeah, easier said than done...)
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