When Jeff lost his job, I was excited to have him home at night. For the first couple weeks, he managed to get on my schedule- he was up during the day and slept at night. But, he kept staying up later and later until eventually he was back to his graveyard schedule. He'd stay up all night and sleep while I was at work, but at least he was up with me in the evenings. He just keeps rotating though. The last couple days he's on a sleep from 1 in the afternoon until whenever and then stay up all night and all day. Today is Friday. He's asleep and I feel lonely. Am I too understanding and not demanding enough? Perhaps.
It's been a really rough week. We have a solicitor that has been giving out gift cards with his orders- not just him, but his whole group of reps. This is okay, we have solicitors that do that, it's part of their sale. But this one didn't know that it had to be approved and regulated by the big boss guy. Basically the big boss guy has to include the amount of the gift card in the price of the order (you can't get nuttin' fur free!) for auditing purposes. This particular solicitor group brings in anywhere from 150 to 300 orders each week. Because of this problem, when it comes to auditing, none of these orders for at least the last three months can be counted as actual circulation which is so important because circulation is how they charge the advertisers which is the real way a newspaper makes any money. (Just to give you an idea, the solicitors are paid up to $40 per order and the customer usually is paying at most $27- it's not the customers' purchases that profit the paper!). This has made a big mess for my job. I've had to come up with all new codes to track orders from here on out, communicate it to my people who actually enter the starts in our system and try to make it as painless for them as possible. I've had to go back through his most recent orders and recalculate everything. And today, in order to fix this problem, my boss brought out 600 orders she'd pulled from our system to have us re-do them in order to make good for the audit. It wasn't too bad a process since they were all in the system already and we just had to change them, but a lot of extra work. Not to mention, EVERYONE was late turning their stuff in today, so what would have been a reasonable load was overwhelming as we pushed for deadline.
I of course have been stressed with bills this week as well- it's payday week and my payday doesn't cover much. I'm a high stress person when it comes to this anyway. I worry so much over it all. This week, I've been especially self critical. I wonder what I'm doing wasting myself at a clerical job that doesn't even require a college degree that I know of (admittedly, I've had raises and more responsibility given to me because I'm a smart person, but it's not what I went to college for). I wonder how I could be so stupid to have so much debt that Jeff losing his job has driven us into such dire circumstances. I'm disheartened greatly because I lived my life to be debt free, well educated, and have a simple life. My only dream, the only aspiration that is immovable in my mind, is to have babies and be home with my children. Now, it all feels just sucked away from me.
What started as a good note, we spent three evenings this week at ITT Tech talking to someone about getting Jeff into school. He has decided to go into computer networking which I think would be a great field. The guy we've been talking to has been very positive and Jeff has actually been a bit excited and motivated about this. (At least I think so). One of the first things we told the guy was that we were concerned about funding it. Frankly, I think anyone loaning us money at this point would be really stupid on their part. But, the guy was very reassuring and there were all these options etc. Even better, we could defer payments and the loans that Jeff has now that we have a hard time paying would be deferred as well. It doesn't necessarily sound smart to me, but it does sound hopeful. It would give us a chance to pay off some credit cards and I think school is a worthwhile investment. It would fix some of our financial problems for now and give us a chance to catch up- or so we would hope.
Well, I was right. Anyone willing to lend us money would be stupid. The financial aid person didn't seem overly helpful. We would be able to get federal financial aid in the form of loans. (It really does scare me to take on more debt!). But it wouldn't cover all of it. And the one place that they go to for the rest of the loans doesn't want to give us any. I'm not sure what happened to the options the guy was talking about?! And we told him at the beginning that this would be the biggest obstacle and ultimately the deciding factor.
Jeff is very good about rolling with the punches. We'll just talk to the people (I had to call about the loan to find out so they didn't know it wasn't approved) and tell them we didn't get it and see if there's anything else we can do. If there are no other options, he won't go and we'll figure out what's next. Isn't that a great attitude!?!?!
I've spent today feeling like crap. I feel like our debt, our problems, are all my fault and I'm not good at this wife thing (why it's all my responsibility I'm not sure, but I don't even ask that question- I just feel it).
I did look up some things at the community college that would be much more affordable, if he feels like he could get the focus and attention he needs. Perhaps the federal loans would cover this? We haven't had a chance to look at or talk about them yet because he's sleeping.
Anyway, it's just been a really blah week. I'm really struggling. I want something so different for my life than where it feels like it's at. I just don't know how to get it. I really wish we could run away to Alaska and live in a small town, completely debt free. I'd settle even for a little house in Lake Point. I want my babies and to play house while Jeff goes to a job he loves that gives us enough to live on. I don't even ask for a lot that way.
They say if you visualize it, you can make it happen. They say put your intention out there and let it manifest itself - a trust in the universe type thing. They say God will provide, have faith. I think I believe these things. It's just hard to get to them when you literally feel the weight of the world sitting on your chest keeping you from breathing.
5 comments:
I sent you an e-mail suggesting you try University of Phoenix. I don't remember how it came up but Papabear said Uncle Craig was talking about schools and their reputations and this one is a credible and respected school. Plus, they might have a totally different financial aid system.
I've felt lately like reminding you to pay your tithing...go to your bishop and tell him who you are and what's up. Just pay your tithing up front. Perhaps the Lord wants you to come back to him that way. Faith precedes the miracle. You need His help.
How frustrating..I wish you all the best, dude.
Wow. So much I could say about this post. I hope you don't mind my long comments. :)
I am so sorry you have had a hard week. I haven't had a chance to look at your blogs until now. I feel bad that I didn't comment sooner!
A lot of the things you wrote sound so familiar to me. I drove up debt to get through school. After school, I started working immediately at a job I didn't like and that stressed me out and didn't pay me well enough for me to pay my bills. I wasn't getting ahead at all. I felt trapped and alone. Very alone.
As I got married and was the one paying the bills, things seemed overwhelming. Then I got pregnant and a new job, and you know the rest of the story.
I learned a lot during that miserable crunch time while we were first married and my husband wasn't working. I learned that stressing over finances only makes life stressful. I learned to play the "whats the worse that could happen?" game very well. I learned to have faith that things will work out even if I can't see or perceive the solution ahead.
For example: Here is how I would play the game in my head. "Whats the worst that could happen if I can't pay the bills? My credit record will get worse. The bills will pile up, and I could get collection agencies calling me. Will I die if that happens? No. Can I live with it if I have to? Yes. So I guess life would suck but I would move on and I wouldn't die. Okay. Time to get over it and move on."
I think when I was going through my hard time, it was extremely hard for me to have my husband unemployed as well. I hear a hint of frustration in your voice. It sounds like you value his unemployment for the simple reason that he can spend time with you and now that he is sleeping a lot, even that one pleasure is gone.
When I was working I had a similar situation with Steven. On one hand I wanted him to see how much the stress and sacrifice was because of him not working, and I wanted him to appreciate it and love me for loving him so much that I would provide for us since he wasn't. I liked having him home to spend time with me.
On the other hand, I felt a bit frustrated and angry deep inside because I felt like he wasn't stepping up to his manly duty to provide. I resented him, although I wouldn't completely admit it to myself or to him. Now that I look back I realize how unbalanced and frustrating things were because our roles were reversed. Its very frustrating.
Things didn't get balanced until he was working full time. Then I was free to think that I could quit my job if things became horrible or beyond my ability to cope. It was just knowing that he would bear the burden of providing that made me feel better.
I wanted the option to leave my job if I needed to because I was the woman. It may sound sexist but I thats really how I felt. And I felt that way even if he wasn't making enough money to pay all of the bills. I just liked knowing that he was doing what a man is supposed to do.
This next thing may sound sexist too. I think some men will not voluntarily take on the provider role unless they have to by force of situation because they know they will be stuck working for X amount of years and they hate the idea of getting caught into the working slavery the rest of their lives. The responsibility scares them.
My husband avoided it until we were destitute and he had no choice at all to go to work no matter what the job was or when the shift was. It was either he works and we have a place to live, or he doesn't work and we get evicted. I had to stand my ground and absolutely refuse to work and chose stay home with my baby. I didn't give him any options or outs.
He still freaks out when he thinks about how many years he will be working, but you know what, it will work out. Guys just need to have faith that the Lord will open doors for them as they do what he asks them to do and provide for their families.
Mudderbear is right. Pay your tithing and everything else will work out. Sometimes things have to change in ways we don't want them to, but Heavenly Father will make sure that things will turn out alright in the end.
Being a network engineer is a great idea. He can study on his own to start. He doesn't need a fancy school to teach him the things he needs to know. It will save money. He can study when he isn't working.
Again, after the experience I have had, the best way to learn the networking stuff is to get a very basic troubleshooting background and then learn the rest on the job and work your way up. If he can learn the basic scheme of a network from a book, and then play with his own computer, he will get a great start. The Microsoft certified training books are a horrible read, but they really go over a lot of stuff that a networking person would want to know. Learning about Subnet Masks, DNS, Gateways, and how the routers and hubs communicate is really all he needs to get started.
The field is so vast that it is almost impossible to specialize in anything useful at a school. He can learn to use Citrix servers, microsoft networking products like Active Directory, and basic networking from books at the library, online, or any community college. Once he knows the basics he can get an entry level job that pays poorly at first and then easily move up as he gets on the job experience.
Have faith, move ahead, do all that you can, consult with your husband lovingly, express your frustrations honestly, work it out together, and then watch the miracle take place. It happened for us and it will happen for you. I have no doubt that you are a loving, capable and beautiful wife. Don't doubt it!
P.S. maybe we could be neighbors in Alaska. my hubby wants to move there but I told him we aren't doing it until he can provide the basics of running water and electricity...and living near a town that can provide medical attention to my kids if there is an emergency (aka. no flying into the homestead). He is dying to do it.
I know this sounds cliche` but I honestly believe that when there is a door shut, God opens a window. We all go through trials to prepare us, for what? who knows right now but down the road, our experience comes in handy. I've been down many hard roads and I still am, but I do believe that its teaching me the difference between what you can take with you and what you can't. Priorities... living within my means, starting over and knowing as much as i HATE to say it, what hasn't killed me has made me stronger. And if any of my trials, or the knowledge I've gained from them can help anyone, well, then there you go, they were worth it.
If there is anything I can help you guys with please don't be shy, I've been through it all, been down practically every avenue, from just being behind in bills to losing a house and having a car repo'ed, I'm still here... still kicking... it sucks sometimes. Ask Steve... but we know what's important in the long run, and I think you do too, it's just praying for the patience and wisdom to find what you're suppose too in these trials.
There's always a way, there's always help and most of all there's always family.
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