If I don't complain, you won't know it's hard or appreciate what I'm doing or be willing to help me. I'll just go along doing what I do, struggling inside, with everyone oblivious to what I feel. In a way, complaining is my way of sticking up for myself. Not for glory/recognition, but so that I won't get lost and taken for granted and forgotten.
Lately, I've been noticing how much Jeff's mom does for him and his brother (and by extension me and his brother's family). She keeps giving and being there and going and going. I think this says a lot about her as a person and as a mother. As a mother, you want to give all you can and help your children. I think as women we naturally try to keep people from hurting, needing, even wanting. It's part of our nurturing. But my concern lately is that all she does goes unappreciated and starts to be expected.
If mom takes care of everything, you don't learn to take care of yourself.
If mom takes care of everything, you might not appreciate your spouse because you think it's just how things get done. You don't realize that it's hard to come home from work and cook the dinner or take care of the dog. You don't know that it's not fun to clean the toilet and do the laundry. You don't know that it's a gift or an acknowledgement of you when your spouse stays up playing games with you rather than crashing into bed of exhaustion.
It goes both ways. Do I appreciate you and all you do and give and are?
I'm determined to be strong and brave. I am determined that I won't eat a lot and be fat, lazy and ornery just "because I can," I have an excuse now. But that is getting harder everyday.
I don't want to be crude, but this is the best example I have to try to make my point. Perhaps I'll delete it after typing it. When I hit puberty, my biggest fear was anyone knowing when I was dealing with girly stuff. A bigger fear than that was getting married and not only sharing a room with someone, but a bed with someone you want to cuddle and snuggle with. To my surprise and happiness, it has not been a big deal at all.
That said, there are times when I've felt just gross and disgusting and like "stay away from me." I've realized in some of those moments, I'm insisting on feeling that way because really I hope that he'll hug me and tell me he loves me and wants to hold me anyway. I've also realized that it's my insistence, not his grossed out-ness, that keeps that from happening. One day it dawned on me that he's a boy. He has no way to relate to what's happening to me. It's up to ME to tell HIM that it's normal and fine and not gross or anything to be afraid of. This is hard for me to do.
It's hard for me to tell him that I've had a hard day at work and I need something.
It's hard for me to tell him I need help with all my "housewife" duties when I have to do them on top of working etc. And it's not that he takes it for granted, but my point is, I"m teaching him this is my job and "mom/wife" takes care of everything and I'm fine, even when I'm not.
And now, feeling the way I do and facing something completely new and scary and hard, I'm so insistent with myself that I will be strong and not bother him with emotional outbursts and being sick and tired, that again, I'm teaching him that this is how a woman should be treated. This is how I should be treated... like everything is fine and I can do it ALL.
10 comments:
We are given spouses to have a partner-to have support in all we do and experience. It's our job to reach out to ask for and receive help. This is how we, as husband and wife, grow together. This is how our needs(as women, wives, and mothers) get met so we can keep giving. This is how we (as women, wives, and mothers) are examples for our husbands, children, and loved ones. It's beautiful how Heavenly Father provides for us and we for our families. It's a cycle!
Oh no no no..... do not do what I spent the last 15 years doing with my ex. We do have certain expectations as wives and mothers and sometimes we go overboard because its our nature to nurture. But I'll tell you what, if they think you can do it all, they'll let you, then they'll come in and rescue you after the nervous break down and do what you've expected them to do all along, but then it stops. I'm probably a little jaded. Perhaps I feel a little taken advantage at times. I try to emmulate my grandmother, but times are so different now than they were then. She never worked, they could live on one income, my grandpa came home everyday and did the 'guy stuff' the garden, yard, cars and fix it stuff.... I try and do her job and his to prove my independence and yet I think they need to know we depend on them and have expectations. I have to do that with Steve every once in awhile, he certainly can't read my mind and when we both come home from work tired and grumpy I don't see why I have to make dinner and deal with the kids while he zones out, so it's a give and take thing, and it's all about communication. Say something.... don't be me...
Thank you both for your advice and feedback. I need to hear it.
I hope in saying this stuff I don't make Jeff sound like a jerk. It is more a me issue than him really. I don't know how to ask for help or expect anyone else to do anything. I need advice and feedback so I learn how... or at least that it's okay!
For the record, I went grocery shopping on the way home yesteday and he helped carry in stuff... well, I should say, I helped him. He can carry half the trunk at once! Throw the bag of dog food over his shoulder and still carry all the heavy cans! My hero! Then I asked him to take the garbage out and he did with no complaints AND took the dog with him. Then when I said I was surprised how tired I was just putting groceries away and how little strength I suddenly have, he asked "why would that surprise you?"
He really is sweet. It's me who needs to learn to "share the load."
YOu are so right. I'm glad you are recognizing this. I never had to do anything and if Daddy asked me to, it was countered with I shouldn't have to. Now, I don't know ANYthing and I also don't know how to ask for help. That's no good for anybody. It just isn't in my databank and that's WRONG! You are learning sooooo much. I hope you never forget.
Melanie...you're the best thing to ever happen to Ben. I know I gave you a bum deal by not teaching him very well. But thank goodness he has you.
Heather...I'm so glad Steve has you. You've been amazing.
I'm really glad I have so many cool big sisters to learn from.
I had to learn to ask for help, too. My pregnancy with Eddie was terrible, which was a blessing because I learned I needed help. Then I still had to practice asking a lot. Recently I have had to learn to expect the best. It's tricky because you have to serve without expectation, but you have to ask with expectation. And all of it has to be done with love. I hope this makes sense.
I really like that first paragraph...especially the first sentence. That is what it's all about, in this context anyway.
My husband and I are always working on the balancing act of responsibilty in the home. Some of it has to do with my expectations, and some of it has to do with his.
When I was pregnant and working I had lots of mental breakdowns after work because I was trying to do the same thing. Cook dinner, do laundry, etc. It was like having two jobs instead of one.
A lot of our problems were solved from communication. As women we expect men to read our minds, but what they really need is for us women to say EXACTLY what we need and want.
Women want mind readers and that does not help men at all. Say what you want and need and then watch his amazing response when he actually does what you ask. They are boys and they do things differently. Thats for sure! The more I learn to communicate in words what I need and expect of him, the more he tries to help me out because he loves me.
BTW. "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" is a GREAT BOOK to read...as well as the follow up title but I can't remember what the name of it is. It is very good at explaining how men and women think differently.
P.S. We ate a lot of pre-made meails when I was pregnant. Yes, it cost more but its worth it in the end of you don't have to worry about cooking every night.
P.P.S. You might want to look into whether you qualify for any state assistance. Technically since you are pregnant I think you might qualify for help with food because you are now a family of 3. It could help take some of the pressure off to cook and dave you some money to boot.
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