I have been trying to write a blog for over a week now. Kinda the same stuff I'm always talking about lately but trying to express it better. Emily's comment on my last post got me thinking about it again... it's something I've felt for a while.
Basically it comes down to, it's hard to work. It's hard to be somewhere for at least 8 hours a day that requires me to be strong, assertive, in charge, in control. I say that and feel very wimpy. Because Emily said it, it validated me. I think that working makes it hard to be a woman. I think sometimes that this place takes away from my femininity.
Now I'm going where I keep running into a wall. By saying this, I not only sound wimpy, but very very sexist. I like to argue that I majored in a hard science, a very male dominated field, so I can't be THAT sexist. I do believe that women should be educated and allowed to pursue any so called manly interest be it math, science, sports, mechanics, whatever. I'm just saying that it shouldn't be required of a woman to have to be hard and tough and strong.
Which brings up the next stumbling block to my posting. I wrote a whole long thing acknowledging all the strong, working mom's I know or have known. I really don't want to sound critical of anyone who has chosen to work or who has to work. But that's not really the point either.
I want to whine and complain about how hard it is to go to work and then go home and take care of everything on the home front. I only have me, Jeffrey and the dog! I want to insist that throwing a pregnancy and especially the baby on top of everything I'm doing is just too much for this damsel in distress. But it's not to complain. It's more like I think if I could solidify it in empirical evidence, the world would have to change in order to follow some grand design or directive.
But really all I'm trying to say, again, is when I think of having babies, I really want to be home to take care of them. That if we have this free agency and this feminist right to choose, then I'm going to choose to be home with them. I know I could be a better mom if I could focus on the children and not try to fit them in between work and... well, work. I want my feminine, God given qualities to flourish.
Well anyway, perhaps I will someday be able to write an eloquent and persuasive blog about this. But, kind of in the same regards, Jeff is still out of work. We are feeling desperate financially, but I don't really feel desperate yet because I feel like we haven't REALLY tried yet. It's like we're still figuring out what's next or something.
Jeff's brother came to see him yesterday and apparently his wife has a great job where she could really pull some strings. The job she could apparently get for Jeff isn't anything he'd want to do for the rest of his life. Honestly, I believe he could do better and hope he'd want to pursue more than a mundane job. But, it's good money and it would get us through for a while. He thought he would look into it.
It turns out, the only shifts they have available are swing shift- sometime between 2 in the afternoon and 10 o'clock at night, give or take a few hours. Jeff told his brother he can't do that. It's too hard on a marriage. His brother insisted that Jeff doesn't have kids to go home to and that the weekend is plenty of time to see the wife. Jeff insisted that he wouldn't put that strain on us and the weekend is not enough time if you actually like your wife.
I was very proud of him. Perhaps, financially speaking, he should take what he can get. But I am so glad to have a husband that cares about things like spending time with me and being there for each other at the end of the day. I think this also shows faith and courage. At some point, maybe soon, we may be desperate enough that he'll just have to take what he can get. But it shows he wants something more. It shows he cares about me. And I think it may have taken more strength to defend his beliefs to his brother than we might initially give him credit for. He'll say he doesn't care what his brother thinks, but it must be hard being a guy who doesn't drink, have tattoos, or sleep around when other guys think you're weak, boring, etc.
6 comments:
Glad to see you back to the blogging sphere! I think its GREAT that you didn't blog as much while on vacation. That is the way to TAKE a vacation. No thinking allowed!
So much of what you wrote is familiar to me! Here is some background info about me.
I grew up as a tomboy. I loved sports. I often felt like I was fighting for my equal rights as a girl/woman, especially since I grew up in a neighborhood of highly talented male athletes. My identity is about being tough and fighting to show that women are equal to men.
When I graduated from BYU and went back into the full time working world, I stressed out and had some big emotional breakdowns.
I had a hard time acting tough and rolling with the punches everyday. I wanted to work perfectly and excel at my job, but the stress and pressure got to me. The outside world got to me.
I was working as a retail manager. People really startled me with their crass attitudes. The world always seemed very harsh and unemotional when I was working. I told my bishop that when I was at work I had to be a different person. An unemotional person. He told me that I didn't have to, but I don't think he understood how hard it is to be a full time working woman. In the retail/sales world when you deal with the public every day, you have to turn off some of your strong womanly emotions or you will end up as a basket case the third or second time you get yelled at for something you can't control or wasn't your fault. Men at work would argue, but as a woman, my natural instinct was to always feel sorry for the person and be overly agreeable and compassionate even though I was getting yelled at by a total jerk. I didn't like who I was at that time because it seemed to go against my natural tendencies, but I had to be that way to survive.
My reaction to the working world surprised me at first because I grew up being a tough person mentally and emotionally. I wasn't like the girly girls who cried at sad movies and puppy dogs. But, the working world made me feel stressed and highly discontent with life. It felt like I turned half of myself off. I really was in survival mode. Hence the reason I felt the same way you do.
Taking care of myself and my husband seemed overwhelming to me while I was working full time. Now I take care of a baby and my husband, and it feels really good. Its not easy, but it fits.
When I was dating my husband and had to go back to work after a long break, I warned him that my personality would change once I went back to work. I had noticed a huge change in my feminine qualities and stress levels.
Obviously I am for women working when they can. I work part time from home when it fits into the baby care schedule, but I can testify that if a woman is in touch with her most prominent feminine features of kindness, charity, and compassion, then the full time working world will wear on her and make it difficult for her to be in touch with her true emotional self. If anything, it will pull from her ability to provide her full feminine qualities to her family.
Some women can pull it off or they have to because they are single moms, but I think a majority of women need to be women and stop acting like men. The world needs more compassion and empathy, and if women need to work less because it is hard for them emotionally, then so be it. The world will be a better place for it. I also felt like a big wimp when I realized I didn't like who I was and how my life felt while I was working full time, but it was what it was.
It was necessary for the time being, but wow, what a difference now that I am working to raise my son. I feel like life finally fits. I didn't get married till I was 29, so all of those working years are years that I can look back at and be thankful for the experience but I never want to go back to full time work.
I don't care if I ever get my PH'D in psychology or a Bachelors degree in Engineering. Those are now my hobbies, and my job is to make my son happy and be a good mom. It feels great. You will love it too when its time for you!
Women are trained to be soft, gentle, and kind. The working world does not value those traits and so a woman I think will always feel more stress than a man, or she will have to take on the traits of a man in order to survive the working world.
In regards to money...my husband didn't really get to working until we literally didn't have any more options. But, once he finally got to it, the job fit, and we both feel peace that we are living according to the proclamation on the family. Its a great blessing!
P.S. If you ever want to contact me via email my address is allan.emily@gmail.com
We seem to have a lot in common and I really like that you are intelligent and you think about things. It would be fun to be email pen pals.
YEAH for your hubby. And you know only having weekends ISNT enough. Its football season here at my house (hubby is a teacher and a football coach) so I see him an hour or so in the evenings, half a day on saurtday and full day on sunday. I look forward to November. hehe. its only a short time and he loves it so because I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I am somewhat ok with it. hang in there. Money isnt everything
Hi, i just found your blog. It really struck me. Cause I choose to stay with my kids at home and now I am doubting whether it was a good decision.It's interesting to read about the thoughts someone else has on the same object, but then from his point of feeling.
I am from holland, and i am really looking for words to say what i have in mind.
Maybe next time. But, anyway, you have to do what feels good to you and not what feels good for others.
Nice blog, I'll be back soon.
Thanks for your comments assyma. It's good to hear different opinions on the topic. It's strange to me that we supposedly have so many choices as women compared to byogne times and yet almost everyone I know feels a lack of options. I think you are right- it's very personal and you have to do what is right for you and your family.
I'd love to hear more of your thoughts.
I watched Wayne Dyer on the KUED fund raiser. I really wish you could see him. He's wise and very low-key at the same time. He told of being in an airport...i think...with some kind of problem everyone was having with where they were going. Except for him...he just went anyway, somehow. He said not getting there "was not my intention." We'll have to go get his book. He really could help you relax. Just put your intentions out there and let the universe and force of goodness take care of it. You can be the exception. Things can work for you, even if everyone else in the world is missing their plane....or whatever. It doesn't do it justice to try to recap the show, but, you know, It Was Good.!!!
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