Talking to Myself

Knowing my baby is a girl, makes me want to be a really good example. I hope that I would feel this way for a boy too, but with a girl, I want to be everything I think she should/would want to be. I want to show her how to navigate this life with grace and femininity and beauty.

Perhaps it is wordly that I so feel a need now to get my hair done and wear some pretty clothes. But I just want to appear on the outside to be everything I am on the inside. It's hard to assert myself in any way when I feel sloppy.
Today I told Jeff I need to quit wearing my gym pants to work. He asked if anyone said anything about it and when I said no, he said I'm the only one who cares. I asked if that wasn't enough? Doesn't it matter that I feel good about myself? Even in a worldly outward sense?
I don't even think it's that worldly. It's not like I'm worried about being up on the latest fashions and trends. I just want to be someone I feel good about being. I dont' want my baby to look at me and think she doesn't want to be like me or the things I try to teach her because I'm not respectable or I'm frumpy and dumpy or something.

Maybe none of that deeper stuff and trying to explain it to anyone even matters. The point is, I'm not feeling good about myself. I feel like I'm disappearing or something.
I've come to terms with my job, I like the people here and would even be sad in a way to not see them. But I'll be damned (oops :) if I'm going to be "stuck" here because I need health insurance or to support us just enough to live in someone else's basement or something. This isn't what I went to college for or what I want to do with the rest of my life. This isn't me!
I remember one time in college I was somewhere doing something and I could see my reflection in the glass. It wasn't real clear, kind of an ethereal moment or something. But I remember thinking I was happy with how I looked. For probably the first time in my life, since I started caring about those things, I was happy with my appearance. And it wasn't just on the outside. The point was, I was BEING who I wanted to be. Maybe I didn't have certain things I wanted or wasn't quite "there" yet, but I was going and I was doing and I had what I could have. I was happy.
Right now, I don't even know who I am or even what I want to look like. I'm so in love with Jeff and I'm so excited to be pregnant and to be a mom. I want to focus on those things, but all this life stuff keeps just wearing on things. Bills and stress and driving on slippery roads... it just keeps taking away from what I have. I need to just stop and say wait! this is what I'm doing, not all this other stuff. How do you do that when you'll probably just fall off the hamster wheel in your efforts?
Maybe that's why I start with the outside. At least let me pull myself together enough that I LOOK like I know who I am and what I'm doing. Maybe then I'll feel like people will at least see me as someone competent enough to give me some credit for owning my own life. Why do I need their permission or approval? I'm not sure.

I WANT TO DO MY HAIR AND WEAR SOMETHING PRETTY AND MAKE SOME CUTE THINGS FOR THE NURSERY.
I WANT TO DO A GOOD JOB WHERE I'M AT AND ENJOY THE PEOPLE AROUND ME AND EARN MY HEALTH INSURANCE AND KEEP US FED... AND THEN I WANT TO SAY GOODBYE AND FOCUS ON OTHER THINGS IN MY LIFE.
I WANT TO BE HOME WITH MY BABY SO I CAN TEACH HER PRIMARY SONGS AND DANCE MY DORKY DANCE WITH HER TO FUN MUSIC AND READ HER MATH BOOKS AND PHILOSOPHY BOOKS AND POETRY AND SHOW HER GREAT PAINTINGS AND WORKS OF ART.
I WANT TO BE THE WIFE AND THE QUEEN OF JEFF'S WORLD. I WANT TO LEARN HOW TO SHOP AND BUDGET AND COOK HEALTHY DINNERS AND TO PLANT A GARDEN. I WANT TO LOVE HIM AND MAKE SURE HE GOES TO THE DOCTOR WHEN HE'S CHILDISH AND DOESN'T WANT TO BE BOTHERED. I WANT TO CLEAN THE HOUSE AND MAKE IT PRETTY. I MIGHT EVEN WANT TO TAKE THE DOG FOR A WALK.
I WANT HIM TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT HIS WORK AND LIKE HE'S DOING SOMETHING WORTHWHILE AND NOT WORRY THAT SOMEDAY HE'LL END UP RESENTING ME OR THE KIDS FOR HAVING TO WORK HIS LIFE AWAY.
I WANT OUT OF DEBT AND TO HAVE A LITTLE LOG HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE. I WANT SOME QUIET AROUND ME AND AIR TO BREATHE. I WANT TO NOT WORRY WHEN THE WORLD IS IN RECESSION AND THE SKY IS FALLING BECAUSE I HAVE MY OWN LITTLE WORLD THAT I'M IN CHARGE OF AND TAKING CARE OF AND MAKING BEAUTIFUL.