Sometimes I make a decision and it feels so rooted. What starts out as a thought, a desire, a trying on this choice to see how it fits or might play out, becomes a commitment inside myself somewhere and it just feels right. It's almost a prayer and kind of a promise to myself, but not even quite that formal. But it becomes that binding. It's as if my soul has been trying to speak and when I finally come to the conclusion or hear it in my conscious mind, my soul swallows it in to my being where it becomes part of me... really without much effort.
This happened in August. I was thinking of having a baby and kind of sad that I wasn't yet pregnant and the thoughts just came. It was almost like everything I'd thought and planned and hoped and wished for became something real, almost tangible. I knew something within myself and without any effort I said if I just commit to this, the rest will come. The fretting, the figuring, the questions were gone. It's like taking a step on faith. I was pregnant a couple weeks later.
Yesterday, I made a decision. It happened in this same way. Something I've been fretting over for months and trying to see different options and solutions to, just came in my head. Simply decide this and let the other stuff fit around it.
By making this connection, everything yesterday calmed down. Little stresses at work were manageable. Household chores that have recently felt insurmountable didn't get me so down. And all the questions that this would bring up, paled in comparison to the commitment of this choice.
Today, as is expected, there seem to be a million and one reasons telling me why this decision just isn't smart. But the inner peace I feel, keeps telling me it's right. It's like the sky is falling around me and I keep trying to figure out how I'm going to stop it when in reality, I just need to figure out how I'm going to shelter myself. This is what I'm doing. Now you all can fall around me as much as you want, but you can't touch me. I can't stop you, but I can create my safe haven.
2 comments:
That is so true, I've found that to work as well, it's a peaceful feeling that no matter what happens you're ok with what you've decided and what you're doing. That you're doing the right thing for the right reasons and everything else doesn't matter... good for you (and I beat Mudder this time.) Love Ya, Take care of yourself and good luck with the ultrasound
I feel such a connection to what you wrote here. I describe that feeling as an answer to my prayers because it is the peace that passeth all understanding. Once you find that faith and decide to take action based on that faith, if the decision is right, you know it from the peace you feel. I have had this happen to me many times, but you explain it so much better than I ever could. I love your analogy of the sky falling. Beautiful post and I am happy for you!
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