Married Christmas 1

Christmas was wonderful this year. I had to work Christmas Eve, which was a totally new experience for me (last year, it was on Sunday and I've always had academic jobs before). It felt like a typical, crazed Monday. At times it felt even worse! Not only was I trying to do all my Monday stuff, but I also had to help out for at least two other people that took the day off. Surprisingly though, things went very smoothly and quickly. I worked VERY hard but got things done in record time and was allowed to leave around 2 o'clock.

We took our dog to be babysat by Jeff's dad's family and went to Jeff's grandma's for her Christmas Eve shin-dig. This is Jeff's mom's family. She has two brothers with kids and there were a lot of people there. Jeff's nephew is 5 (or 6?) and still young and excited. The cousins are all young teenagers but they too were playful and having a good time. Jeff's mom and uncle's bought a big bird house on a stand for his grandma and she was so excited she squealed and cried. It was cute. Jeff's step dad is a gruff seeming guy who is always poking fun and making jokes. He also seems very sweet hearted but I'm never sure how to take him. And Jeff's grandpa, who is divorced from his grandma but they still "hang out," is a very sweet guy. I really like him although I haven't been around him much. Jeff's mom and grandma were very generous in their gifts to us. They have always made me feel very welcome and included.

From there, we went to my parents' house. It was snowing like crazy and we got about a foot of snow in an hour. The drive was scary and I wanted to cry. Jeff on the other hand, fell asleep in the car. We stayed the night at my parents', which was a really big thing for Jeff to do for me. I think it's awkward to stay at someone else's house and never even much liked sleep overs and slumber parties. I know Jeff felt a bit hesitant, but he was a trooper and even admitted to feeling okay about it afterward.

By they time we got there, Jeff had been awake for 27 hours so we went to bed about 8 o'clock. I wanted to stay up and play Santa with my mom- wrapping presents, eating cookies and setting things up- like I have in years past. But, Jeff didn't want to be left alone. After about an hour, not able to sleep or get very comfortable, I got up and wrapped ONE present and ate a donut. Mom was busy in the other room and Kiki was being her spaced out self. I didn't know what else to do and was finally feeling tired so I went to bed. It was hard to go to sleep and what felt like only an hour or so after I was finally drifting off, Jeff woke up. I thought he was up for good. We went out and found him some Mt. Dew and a donut and he wanted to play with our new iPods. I was so tired, but I tried to be a good sport for him. After about an hour, he was ready to sleep again- thank goodness!- so I got a few good hours of sleep.

We got up and had Christmas morning around 7:30(?). Kiki said a nice prayer and Dad was his normal self, trying to be organized and pass the black garbage sack around. Of course things were perfect and pretty and special, because Mumsy makes them so. I'm always impressed at how she can give you everything you want as well as the little special things you wouldn't think of. Jeff got a pendant with a quote from Walt Whitman on it and we (I) got a special ornament for our first Married Christmas.

We waited for Ben and Mel to come over and basically said hi before we had to go again. We went to Jeff's dad's again and visited there for a while. His dad cracks me up with all his silliness. His brother played video games and his step mom's brothers (they are 16?) live there too and they are always very friendly. I think they all look at Jeff as the video game king and like to talk and show him stuff. And our dog missed us. I felt very happy to see her and take her home.

Jeff spent the rest of the day playing with all our new toys and we ate chilli dogs for dinner (how festive). We were exhausted and went to bed about 8 o'clock, unable to stay awake to watch Harry Potter.

With the new year approaching, I've been thinking a lot about goals and resolutions and where we are headed. Last year, I'd been at my job for only a few months and Jeff was just starting his. We were starting to put our finances together and I was looking forward to planning our wedding. There was also a lot of change going on in the family. It felt like last year, for me, was about getting married and settling into new jobs, a new apartment, and putting our lives into one.
This year, I feel like we've accomplished something or arrived somewhere. It feels like a real jumping off point. It's like now we are officially US and things will be different from now on and it's okay. I feel a bit more... like I've taken ownership of our life and home and family (us and the dog). Last year I was still testing the water and now I feel ready to take off swimming.

Peace

One of my pre-set radio stations in my car has recently changed to a country station. I'm sorry to confess but a couple years ago I started listening to country music sometimes just because it had nice messages and the videos on t.v. had pretty scenery. Yesterday, driving home from work, the song on the radio was about a guy driving home with his kid in the back seat eating a happy meal. He suddenly has to slam on his breaks and lets out a cuss word and when the food flies all over his son, he says the word too. When the guy asks the boy where he learned to talk that way he says, "I've been watching you, ain't that cool... I wanna be just like you."Later, the dad prays in his room for help to be a better person. Then he goes to check on his son and finds him on his knees praying to God like he's talking to a friend. He asks where he learned to talk that way and he says I've been watching you, ain't that cool...

Last night I drove Jeff to work. On the way home, trying to find any station playing any type of music, I stopped on a song I've heard plenty before. It has good music but I've never paid too much attention to the words. Something like "I'll keep you my dirty little secret... who needs to know"?????? What a contrast!

Sometimes I think I'm just a big whimp who whines and complains about everything. But, sometimes it's just too hard to be in this world. I feel like I return home everyday with huge battle wounds just from being out and around people. I had such a good weekend. I felt spiritually uplifted and encouraged. I prayed with more faith and I relaxed and quit worrying so much about things. But Monday comes and it feels like all that is taken away from me. It's so hard to hold onto the peace.

After I got home from picking Jeff up from work this morning, he played games while I took a shower. Then, as I was drying my hair, he went in and lay on the bed. After about a minute and a half, he asked if I was done yet. Frustrated, this being the third time in that minute and a half that I turned the drier off so I could hear what he was saying, I said, fine, I'll be done. Then I went to put a bit of make-up on my skin not JUST for vanity but for protection becuase the cold weather is drying me out and he asked what I was doing now. He just wanted me to come in and talk to him.
Unfortunately, I was a bit out of patience. But as I snuggled him so he could go to sleep, I had two thoughts. The first was how good it felt and how glad I am to have someone to hold. But I also had thoughts like I "should" insist on taking time for myself. He's a big boy, he can take care of himself. It did feel like I was "supposed" to think that or fight back or something. I felt sad that I couldn't just be there with him and take care of him.

Once There Was a Snowman

Yesterday it snowed. When I took the dog out this morning, the sky was that color of blue I wrote about yesterday. By the time I took her out again before leaving for work about an hour later, it was completely white. The snow on the trees, ground and carports blended so much with the sky as I stepped up on the landing, I was amazed at how white a world could be. I thought it was breathtaking. I even didn't mind too much when my slipper came off and I stepped bare footed in the snow last night (I got smart and put real shoes on this morning). By the time I left work yesterday, it was dark and coming down quite heavily. Traffic was slow and it was very cold. Except for my nerves driving, I thought it was beautiful!
A lot of people around me at work started to complain as we watched through the windows as the storm developed. Some people got really negative and talked about it not snowing in the valley, keeping it in the mountains and being glad that global warming is going to make this happen. I got so sad and angry. How can people be so ungreatful and negative about what God has given us? I really felt a sinking inside.

Today I heard some of these same people tell another girl who is not married but has a 2 year old son with the guy and is planning a wedding next May, that men never change and they'll never do "what they're supposed to." Later I heard one of their husbands, who also works here, joking that he's not the boss in his house, he just does as he's told. Haha.
This too was very upsetting to me. Maybe that sounds dumb and like I take things too seriously. But what does it say about people when even the most intimate and important of relationships is defined in terms of who's boss and behaving in a way that is satisfactory to the other person? Where is the love and respect in that? And the way I've heard people talk to and about their kids! Again I say, how can people be so ungreatful and negative about what God has given us?

I think I'll go home and wrestle in the snow with my husband and the dog.

Mumsy's Meme

1. If you could choose your own name, what would it be?
When I was a kid I always liked boyish girl names- Casey, Jacey, Cori. I think I thought a more spunky name would help me to be more outgoing and fun. I've since come to really like my name- it suits me and it's pretty. But if I HAD to change it... I think I'd be Annastasia and I could go by Stacy and have both the spunk and the pretty. I also made a character on Jeff's game named Hannaa (the normal ways of spelling it were taken) and it somehow fits. Aren't I clever- they still have Anna in them. I guess it's a good name!

2.Ideally, what age would you be? Do you think, if you try, you can be that age for the rest of your life?
I quit counting when I wasn't married by 25 and then especially when I was married and my hubby is so young! I think, for now, 25 is the perfect age. Old enough to have that well deserved sense of self I worked to find after high school and all that was over, but still young enough to remember the excitement of college and falling in love and discovering yourself. I think you can be whatever is in your head. I REALLY do. Afterall, age is just a measurement of how long we've been on earth. What does that have to do with our eternal soul?


3. Do you read much? What do you like to read about?
I've always thought of myself as a reader but I don't do it as much as I would like and think a smart person should. I love to read little things about science and math and what they've discovered- even health articles on the internet interest me. I also love teen novels. The kind that tell a really good story and get into the workings of people's minds and hearts but still have some of that childlike innocence and belief in happy endings. Recently I've also read more philosophical novels. Oh, and I love historical fiction. I can learn so much if I have characters and settings to attach it to.

4.What is your single favorite fragrance? Do you wear it?
I really love to smell the fresh outdoors. I love spring flowers soft on the wind. I love the more pungent smell of fall leaves. I love to smell fires burning in the winter. And I love the smell of chlorine and coconut sun block in the summer.
I used to love Soft Musk by Avon because it reminded me of my Grandma June but was also good for me to wear. The last I had some it had changed. I like Jovan White Musk as my signature fragrance. I also like food smells- cinammon, vanilla, warm bread or cookies.

5. If you could choose a theme song for your own life, which one would it be? Or who would write it for you?
Joanna by Kool and the Gang of course! I was 6 or 7 when it came out (or at least when I was aware of it) and I would imagine someone someday feeling that way about me. So romantic even at that age. "She's the kind of girl, makes you feel fine..." sexy, soft, feminine, passionate- I want to be all those things! And, I think I've come to like that more important than anything to me is the way those I love feel.

6. Write something about color. What relaxes, excites, expresses you.?etc.
This is a great question! I've always wondered what it is about colors that can reach so deep into your soul and make you feel... something! Yearn for something, feel hungry and thirsty but not even in a physical way, calm you, excite you. It's WONDERFUL!!!!!
I think my favorite color is that dark teal blue the sky goes just after the sun sets. It's a dark blue but you can somehow see light in it still, when the sky is clear. It's not always like that but when it is it just makes me feel.... I don't know! Like jumping into the universe and taking it all on, but still so comletely calm about myself and sure of love and possibility.

Wow. I really enjoyed writing this. Thanks for the great questions Mumsy! So sensual. I feel so much better having had these thoughts!

My Jeffrey

Jeff and I use Blockbuster online. For a monthly fee we can put movies on a list and we are sent, in the mail, up to three at a time. We can keep them as long as we want then return them by mail or take them to the store and exchange them for new movies at no addtional cost. For us, it is worth the payment.
Through this, Jeff has "rented" the first season of the t.v. show Heroes. One of my favorite characters is a Japanese guy named (coincidentally?) Hiro. He has the ability to bend time and space if he concentrates hard enough. He closes his eyes, scrunches up his face and thinks until his face quivers and shakes. He has a sweet, round, baby face and glasses. Most of Hiro and his friend Ando's conversations are in Japanese and subtitled. He speaks fast, loud, and high. He is adorably cute. As Kiki would say, "don't you just want to feed him cookies?"

For some reason, perhaps because of a recent date I saw of Kiki's, I was thinking about dating Hiro. (So glad I'm married and don't really have to think of dating anyone!). As cute as he is, even for people like me who want the sweet type and claim to like nerds, or at least not the stereo typical good looking guy, I wonder how many girls would think of Hiro as their dream guy, even if he could be perfectly wonderful for the right girl. I probably was also thinking of this because a high school friend of mine who married young, after having a baby, and has had all kinds of marital and child trouble is talking about getting remarried. Even when we were 12 or 14, she had a list of what a guy had to be/do in order for her to date him. I wonder if her list has changed much (kid you not, one thing she INSISTED on was the guy be strong enough to pick her up. This was something she could not live without!).

My husband is so wonderfully perfect for me in so many ways. There are things about him that complete me that I wouldn't know to choose or put on my "list" because I wouldn't know what they would do for me until I've experienced them. I know there are things about my husband that if someone described him to me, I'd say, yeah, that's my type. But, I think there are probably other things that I now appreciate so much about him that I would either not know to care about or maybe even be something that would make me say, nah, not my type. And yet, here he is. So perfect.

Jeff is adorably cute. He has a sweet face and pretty eyes and an incredible smile. I love it when his hair gets long and floppy on top. On our first date, he let me feel his soft, smooth hair. I know adorably cute is supposedly not something a "real man" wants to be described as. He is also strong looking. His sweet face is solid and broad. His shoulders are broad and there is nothing like the safety and warmth I feel snuggling into his chest. I've always loved his back/shoulders for their strength. I'm not even scared (too much anyway) when he picks me up and spins me around and throws me on the bed to tickle me. Today he even picked me up upside down- I usually hate that feeling, but I trust him that much (significant for a person afraid of heights and lacking balance).
Jeff believes in being comfortable. He says that when you're comfortable enough to be yourself, your natural beauty comes through and he likes that. I thought I did too so I'm surprised how much he's helped me learn to appreciate it and come to see it better in myself and other people.
Jeff is young and playful. He keeps me from taking things too seriously. Sometimes, I have a hard time with this. Can't you help me be responsible? But, more important, he helps me not be so serious about myself.
Jeff has a mature soul. The things he has seen and experienced in his life give him insight that I don't see in many, if any, people. He can talk to me about things and understand me and he even tells me, when I get chatty, that it's nice to hear me talk- I'm usually a quiet person. He lets me cry and he helps me feel better. He has been so good about taking care of my emotions. Sometimes, when he tells me his secrets and things about him no one else knows or understands, I know that he is a special soul. I believe that there is something, in a spiritual way, important about who he is. When I watched the Star Wars movie where Annakin goes to the dark side, it made me think a lot about Jeff. There is a battle for him and he knows it's harder to be a Jedi, but he is my Jedi hero.
There have been things that maybe aren't a big deal but they bother me and I worry about them and when I finally have worked up the courage to tell Jeff I don't want them in our life, he has been so good about saying "okay." I hesitate to ask him, never wanting to "make" him do or not do anything. But, when I have told him how I feel, he supports me by going along with what's important to me.
Jeff is not a member of my church. I never thought I would marry someone outside of my faith. I have always felt so strongly that temples and forever are a reality. I have reasons to believe that Jeff is right for me, even that God gave us to each other and said this is good. Admittedly, I sometimes worry about the church thing and if I made the right choice, but when I ask Heavenly Father about it, there is always a very positive answer that comes. This is where I belong. And somehow, even this, is something that completes me. I don't know how to explain it. Even in this way, Jeff makes me a stronger, better person. I think we will be great parents because our kids will learn about so many different things- philosophies and religions, art, science, culture, music, poetry. I think it's important to have this broad and open view of the world.
Jeff is my everything. I am a better, happier person because I have him. Sometimes I hold him or just touch him or look at him and I am overwhelmed that I have someone so wonderful as a part of me.

I am a Rock

I've never thought of myself as a lazy person. I feel very good about myself having made it through college- it was hard and I did a good job. I have other accomplishments that I am proud of, even the ones other people might not recognize.

I have a counted cross stitch Santa Claus piece I've been "working on" for a long time. It's hard because the squares are tiny, a lot of the colors blend into the color of the canvas, and it's a rather large picture. I haven't done much with counted cross stitch before and even when I got it and started working on it, I thought I would lose interest in it quickly because the colors are subdued and it would be hard.
I like to work on things like this when I listen to conference. It helps me to focus and I remember things better for some reason. So, I got out the Santa Claus piece this last conference weekend. As I worked at it, I thought that I've never done anything hard. That doesn't make sense because I have done hard things. But... it's like I've never done anything unless I was told I was good at it or it was, at least in some way, comfortable.
I decided that I'm going to finish this piece and make it pretty and display it in my home for years. I've worked on it a lot lately. It will take a lot of time and patience. I make a lot of mistakes but then I work with them and/or fix them. I'm enjoying it greatly.

I've also started recently doing yoga. Not easy, breathe and meditate yoga; heavy duty, you wouldn't believe how much mental and physical strength and energy it takes yoga. I'm not always good at it, but I work with my mistakes, I keep trying. Everyday (it's only been a week) I feel a bit stronger. Everyday I feel better at it. And the feeling lasts all day. I feel strong and in control all day. I sit up straight and my back doesn't hurt so much at work. My mind is mine- I guess that sounds funny but I'm not nearly as bothered by the "voices" and stresses I usually hear. I'm loving it too.

I have things in my life that I've thought were there because I'm strong. Kind of like the idea that God gives challenges to his strong people not because they need the trial but because they can do good- the parents with a handicap child for example. But sometimes I worry that I'm failing. I worry that I'm not strong enough or at all. Perhaps what I don't realize is that I can make mistakes, I can try again, I can fix them or just work with them.

Today my husband talked about a possiblity for our future. It's something hard and scary. It feels like something that for some reason I go, oh, that's what I've been preparing for in my life. I don't know if I could be strong enough. But, maybe like cross stitch and yoga and all the other big and small things in my life, you just keep going. You keep trying. You decide to do a good job even if it's hard. And maybe then you will be blessed with enjoying it. With peace and happiness.

Kill 'em With Kindness (a dog tale)

My husband works in security, graveyard shift. For the last couple months until I'm not sure when, he has to go back to work on Wednesday afternoon for a First Responders Training Course. He is learning lots about how to take charge in an emergency situation. Because of this, our dog gets left home alone for a few hours. She is neurotic and does not handle this well.
We got the dog (her name is Niobe) from Jeff's dad's family. She is house trained and well behaved. She is a really sweet dog. She snuggles up to me when we go to bed at night and one time, when I was crying, she looked at me so concerned and licked me and tried to make it better. In the last few weeks, I've decided she is MY dog. I've had a lot more patience with her and taken ownership of her. I don't mean she's mine and not Jeff's; she's definitely OURS in that way. But I mean... her past life I guess.
Anyway, in spite of what a good dog she is, she has a very hard time being alone. The few times we've left her- to go out on the weekend, when Jeff goes to class, etc- we come home to a mess in our house. It's upset me because this is exactly the reason why I didn't want a pet. I don't want my house to be stinky and dirty. The other day, she had a problem when I made her go back in the house and I went out to meet Jeff when he got home for work- she was alone for literally two minutes! It was very frustrating.
I usually get home before Jeff does on Wednesday's. I've had to deal not only with the mess but also with the dog freaking out so badly it scares me. She barks, she whines, she jumps, she walks in circles, not to be crude, but she goes "potty" and doesn't even know it. It has scared me a few times and made me want to cry because I don't know what to do to calm her down and I don't know what's happened to make her so nervous.
I decided to take the approach that she's scared and needs comfort. For the last few weeks, I take her immediately outside and I sit on the grass and hold her and talk softly to her. Jeff doesn't like to hit the dog but he thinks that's the only way she'll learn to not make messes. I finally decided it wasn't doing any good and she knows she's in trouble so all it takes is some stern words and showing her what she's done. Other than that, I try to let her know she's safe.
Yesterday, Jeff and I met at the movie store on the way home so we got home at the same time. He had put the dog on the patio, locked out of the house, to see if this would do any good (we haven't done it before, afraid of the noise she makes). We got home and let her in the house to go straight out the front door. Much to our surprise, she didn't make any messes. I was a bit annoyed that she could hold it when she's on the balcony but not when she's in the house. Perhaps it helped to confine her to a small space?
We took her outside where she did her normal whining, barking, circling, jumping. It's a really hard noise to withstand. Jeff said "smack her and tell her to shut up." I promise he's not mean, he just thinks that's how you get her to behave. I said "no. She's scared and smacking her doesn't help that." He listened to me. She calmed down rather quickly. We didn't have a mess in the house. He didn't have to feel bad for smacking her. I didn't have to feel bad.
As I thought about it later, I decided, whether it's true or not, to think that my being nice to her has helped the situation.

I guess I'm thinking of kindness this week because I've overheard a few people at work that just aren't nice. I don't know why people would take the time and energy to actully be mean about someone. And it was in that whole high school, be popular kind of attitude. I like the person they were being mean about so I guess I felt defensive. She also does so much to help my job be better that I'm mad that they don't appreciate her just because she's "not cool" or something. It also bugs me because (now I'm not being nice) these people think they are all that when they are old and fat and ugly and only sort of dress nice. And when it comes down to it, who really cares!?!?!

I've got the blues

I've been trying to keep my latest blogs on a happier note. I've been feeling calm and happy lately. So, I'm hesitant to write this blog, being in a bit of a downer mood. It would be nice though, if I can express my thoughts, to have feedback on my questions. When I talk to myself, is anyone else listening? (Haha)

How do you forgive? I guess that's the best word for it. You know how when you're mad, you say things you don't mean and later just hope you can explain to the other person where it came from or convince them you didn't mean it? I try to not do that but probably, even with my best efforts, I say things to people that make them feel bad. Sometimes, no matter how calm and in control you are with your emotions, when you try to tell someone else how you feel, it still comes out offensively.
So, if you are the one offended, how do you let it go? How do you understand that the person didn't mean to hurt you?
I have a hard time letting go. I was the kind of kid that would cry if an authority figure showed any kind of disapproval. I would feel stupid and forever try to correct my ways. If a peer (that's such a silly word, but I mean not even a friend, not even someone I associated with or cared about) said something mean or hurtful or just didn't like something about me, I would forever try to hide that about myself. And I do mean forever.
Okay, so I always talk around in circles, avoiding addressing the actual issue. I don't want to tell the actual story. It's just that last night my husband reacted annoyingly at me and I really didn't understand his reaction. To me, it was mean, uncalled for and extremely insensitive. I let him know right away that it hurt me and he was immediately apologetic. I tried all night to let it go but I was still... I was going to say cranky, but that's not the right word. It's not that I'm being mean and holding a grudge, it's that I got hurt. I had had a long hard day and I needed to just be home and one of the first things, he responded to me that way and I just wanted to... cry. I don't even see that I did anything "wrong" or to bug him. I think he was just cranky. But being that I don't see how I could have bugged him that much, I'm left feeling like it must just be me. I said something without even thinking about it, just because that's what I would say and how I would be at that moment and it bugged him. And I'm not talking a sensitive or vulnerable moment- I'm talking about making dinner. So if I can bug him that bad just by being myself, it must be ME that bugs him. And being me, I want to hide, I want to fix it, I want to change it... and suddenly I'm all on gaurd and defensive and not able to just be home and relaxed. And he's sorry and feels bad he's "just a jerk" but I can't just let it go. It should be over and done, but still, the next day, I'm feeling like he doesn't love me. How could he if he could be so bugged by something so trivial?
I ask the question, not because I'm sad today, but because there are other things, other conversations, other reactions, other moments, that still bother me. Some "fights" I can think of and they don't bother me- it's over and that was dumb. But other things, stay. I don't think I'm thinking about them, but then something will happen and I'll hear him saying whatever it was and it hurts all over. Or certain situations come up and I realize I'm reacting based on the last time we were in that situation and it should just be gone. How do I quit that?
In a way I think, well, if it still bothers you, maybe you need to talk about it. But in a way, I think I need to just get over it.

Doubting Thomas

One of my favorite classes in college was taught by a professor that seemed to really care the we learned something. He focused as much on the presentation of our assignments as he did the content. We were asked to use unlined paper, write out the entire problem (talk about "story problems!"), then divide the paper into about a two inch column on the left side to show the math and the right area was used to explain in words what steps we took and why. It was fascinating material. We solved problems about how much medicine a person should be given to keep the amount in the blood at a certain level without overdosing, how to control the spread of disease in a population, and how to maintain a given concentration level in a liguid given that so much is coming in and so much is going out. The professor also gave us the chance to re-do assignments as many times as it took to get them perfect. This was very helpful. You could receive an 85% on an assignment and be happy about it or, he would show you where you went wrong, ask questions, and help you figure out what you missed until you got it 100%.
I remember when I had this class (this will reveal the extent of my nerdom), I would spend Friday afternoons/early evenings doing homework. I'd finsh everything I could for the week, then hang out at home watching t.v. with the fam and going to bed early. It left the rest of the weekend homework free and restful.
I remember a particular assignment I worked so hard on one Friday night. I finally told myself I just had to stop. I couldn't figure out what more I needed to do. I put my stuff away and had the weekend. When Monday came around, I was nervous turning in the assignment. Even though I knew I could correct it later, I didn't want the professor to think I just wasn't getting it. I was even more nervous when the assignments were returned. I didn't want to feel dumb for what I'd missed. To my surprise, not only did I get 100%, the word "excellent" was written on the top. As he went over the assignment and answered questions for those who didn't get 100%, I realized that my work had been excellent. I had explained the steps and shown all the steps that were necessary. I think I even realized that the only reason I thought I was missing something was that it seemed too easy. I thought I had simplified it but found out it just meant that I got it.

I think of this occurence sometimes when I'm doubting myself. I may have even blogged about it before. I am very self critical even when I don't need to be.

Yesterday I had my yearly evaluation with my supervisor. I thought I'd heard that would happen, so around the time I'd been here for a year, I thought of what I might say in that meeting. What would I improve? What would I like to learn? How do I feel I'm doing? I think I did this not just to prepare what I would say, but also to prepare myself for what faults might be pointed out- if I already know what's wrong with me, it won't hurt so much when you tell me. In the meeting, my supervisor had nothing but good things to say about me. I felt a bit like he was just being nice. But as I thought about it after, he's been a supervisor, I'm sure he knows how to give "constructive feedback" if it's needed. If there was a problem with my performance, this would be the perfect time to bring it up. I guess I must be doing alright.
Today at work, I've had to fill in a bit for a couple people that have the day off. For some reason, it's made me feel better about my work. Perhaps because I feel a little more in charge so I "step up" to making sure things are being done and being done right. When these other people are here, it's not my place to check up on things so much. It's been a good experience just to see the flow of what we all do. Even to assert my "excellence."

Planting Mustard Seeds (my latest daydream)

The other night I went to sleep dreaming up my home tutoring business, RobbCo Tutoring. It's an idea I've always toyed with as a possibility for a stay at home mom. Sometimes I think of it just as a fantasy to keep myself going and feeling like SOMETHING will work out. But sometimes lately, I find myself planning details and visualizing it so realistically, I believe it could really happen. I've planned how to price things, what "deals" I could offer, how I would organize and schedule it, how I would advertise it. I can see me in my sunny apartment, holding my baby, and helping high school kids with their Calculus homework, my cute husband in the next room. How much more perfect could life be?

I get scared. It would take effort and assertiveness and be unpredictable. Maybe people would be skeptical- not the students "buying my business" but the people I'd need to support me in my ideas- and tell me it's not possible.
But I also get this feeling of trusting myself a bit. Of thinking of myself not as one of all the rest of these people but believing that I have some abilities and accomplishments that have to take me somewhere.
I think I blogged about being a llama farmer? Maybe it was my journal. Maybe this is my llama farm. I could be in control. I could be home. I could give of my talents. I could make the decisions. And maybe with a little bit of faith, it would prosper?

Mustard Seeds

I've always thought of myself as a faith filled person. Even as a kid I learned to pray for help not just because someone told me I could, but because I had tried it and it worked. Throughout my life, I have prayed about things big and small and felt God intervening- rescuing me, giving me strength, smoothing the way. I know I've had miracles- perhaps not big, make a saint type miracles, but big and important in my life.

When I got married, I had no doubts going into it. But afterward, somewhere down the line, it's like I woke up one day and went wow! there's a whole life ahead of us- I thought I'd thought about that, but what are we going to do!? And I realized that this faith or trust I had in this other person was going to be tested in ways I hadn't thought of. I had given everything to him, now I had to really believe in him.

The other day, as I was dreaming, I got stuck in the "yeah buts" or the putting it down on paper I discussed a few blogs back. I thought, but what do you do when... ? And the thought came to me I had to remember and believe in what I had already accomplished in my life and let that carry me through, to trust in my own resources- my own abilities as well as other people who support me.

On the way to work today I was thinking of something- I can't even remember what now, perhaps it was something big and in the future, maybe it was just something small I had to get done today- but I do remember the answer coming "oh well, you just have to trust that life works itself out."

I've never really identified faith in so many ways before. Faith in Christ brings salvation. Faith in prayers brings divine intervention. Those are big things, but that's as far as my faith went. What I realized today is that faith covers more than the big things. It is in all aspects of our lives. To have faith in people, ourselves, simply in life- that thing we're all doing but can't even pinpoint... It all comes back to faith in God, faith in a higher power. But it manifests in so many everyday little things. It's kind of like breathing. Just take a breath and trust your body to do the rest. Just live your life and enjoy the feeling of catching your breath on a stressful day, the deep breathing of a workout, the exhilarating breaths of spring flowers and falling leaves. Just keep doing it and you'll live. Isn't that amazing?

Not the Power of Gray Skull

Today is a slow day at work. I should probably be making myself more useful somehow, but I'm not sure how, so I sit with my thoughts- which isn't a bad thing.
Last weekend was conference weekend. I was able to watch ALL four sessions. It was so nice. I love conference weekend. It is uplifting and reminds me of what's right and that things will be alright. The spirit there always, even when I was young, makes me feel like a woman. I am so glad to belong to a church that not only values and respects women, but actually holds them in high regard (I don't want to say higher or better but that's probably what I mean. And it's not that we're better than men, just different and I love the way I have learned to appreciate and see that difference and balance in nature...). I love thinking about families and values and introspection and, with my personality, it probably helps greatly to have those in authority solidifying my beliefs.
Today I happened on an article (I believe in Newsweek) about women in power. The title of the article was something about do women lead differently than men. It started out asking what it would be like if we have a woman president but basically ended up talking about Queen Elizabeth's reign and the new movie that is out (or coming). It tried to say that women are just as strong as men etc. That's fine and good, but it felt a bit "in your face" and admiring of qualities that in my sexist way are not feminine. It wasn't pointing out that women can be different but still as effective as men, but basically that we're capable of being just as mean. Yay.
On the page were links to other, similar articles. The next one I clicked on was an interview with two famous women, one had lost a husband, the other a father to disease. They both have a child with a handicap. They both are doing a great deal of work to further causes and invest in research of different diseases and ailments. The title of this article was "You do what you have to." A good thought.
The next article (link below) was by Maria Shriver. She talks about being raised to think that power for women means what you can put on a resume and becoming like a man. She says, as the wife of Arnold Shwarzeneggar (sorry, don't know how to spell it) and first lady of California, she learned a new definition of power. She said at first, being the first lady only meant that she was married to someone. Where was she and her credentials etc? But this role helped her to realize that small acts, not ones you'd put on a resume, are sometimes more important than the big things. She talked a bit about traditional roles of women- raising kids not to be involved in every activity but to feel loved and whole- and hinted at femininity.
I liked this. As you know, I'm rather sexist. But as I just said, I'm thankful for my understanding of the balance in nature. I'm glad that men and women are different. I feel SO much happier and calmer when I feel like I can be a woman. I want to be a wife, a mother, a teacher. I want to be feminine and pretty and nurturing and kind. I love that my husband is attracted to natural beauty and sweetness and virtue. He prefers modesty and comfort. He appreciates the little things I do and am. One of my favorite songs at church says "the errand of angels is given to women, and this is a gift that as sisters we claim." I LOVE that. I need to paint it on my wall- around my bathroom mirror. The errand of angels. How strong could we get?

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21162320/site/newsweek/

Daydream Believer

I went to sleep last night visualizing myself, in video game style, shooting unhappy little thought blurs. Zap Zap Zap. Then I was, again in video game style, a little martial arts person with a big shield. I twisted and turned so artistically, bouncing the bad lazers of criticism and overwhelmingness off my shield. Silly, but it was a good visual. I had been emailing back and forth all day with my older and oh so wise sister about getting thoughts and feelings under control. This was my way of making them just disappear without having to be dragged out, looked at, felt, explored etc. It was quite helpful.

When I was a kid- probably 10-13 years old, my favorite thing to do was daydream. I was probably "too old" to play with toys so daydreaming was the only way I had to use my imagination and be in touch with what I wanted and who I was. I remember the good feelings I would get when I'd imagine growing up and doing whatever. It was exciting and reassuring and gave me a sense of myself and life.

Somehow as I zapped away thoughts, I also- almost- remembered how to dream.

One of my favorite daydreams was imagining my house and kids and husband. I would get so excited about the houses in my head, I started drawing floor plans on paper. As I got more into that, I got more into figuring out the size of things and the reality of things. Sometimes what I could see in my head, just didn't work on paper. I would make lists of my kids' names but then I started trying to figure out their ages and that I couldn't have that many that close together or something. I think this reality eventually stopped the dreaming.

Sometimes life is like that. Reality prevents it from happening outside of our head. But sometimes people tell me that if you try to figure it all out on paper, it's never going to work. Perhaps you just get into the dreams in your head and live those rather than trying to map it all out on paper?

Sometimes the reality doesn't ruin it all. Sometimes when you get to know what's really real, that's even better than you imagined, even if it is different. I'm not sure why that is, but it seems to do with it being really yours. This isn't how I always imagined it, but this is MINE, this is what I have, this is what life/God is giving me and isn't that amazing!?

Anyway, I've been dreaming the last few days. Who knows if it's possible or will work on paper etc. But, it makes me happy. It lets me know who I am.

The Pursuit of Happyness

I watched the movie "The Pursuit of Happyness" over the weekend. It was depressing (and yes there's a reason it's spelled that way). I think it was supposed to be one of those inspirational, over come the obstacles movies but I found it sad and scary. Jeff said the next time I'm stressing I should think about that movie to realize we're okay, because it could be worse. I suppose the movie did get me thinking...
I've been in quite the slump lately. I find a lot of things to grumble about. I get discouraged WAY too easily. I'm simply having a hard time because my husband works grave yards and I sleep with a dog all week and lately the weekends have been rough on our time too. Blah blah blah.
The point is, I got up Sunday and wrote in my journal for at least an hour about being happy and what it means and how to get it. It was quite a good talk with myself and I felt happy. I have SO many reasons to be, so many things in my life to be happy about. I felt good all day.
I think I cried on the way to work Monday and I know I cried after work and I fought off crying during work. I realized in the morning that it's not just my attitude that needs adjusting and I felt justified in the things I had to be unhappy about. There's this and there's that and etc etc.
This morning I got mad at my husband. My first reaction was hey! wait a minute! what did you do and what were you thinking! Then, once I was awake, I didn't really feel it- who cares? But I felt like I needed to tell him that what he'd done was upsetting to me even if it wasn't the end of the world. So we talked. And I wasn't all emotional and he was in his silly and goofy mood and kind of played it off (yes that sometimes bugs me because I need to be taken seriously but sometimes it helps me put things in perspective- it's NOT a big deal). And I drove to work today thinking that maybe some things just don't need to be worried about.
My favorite little brother called me coincidentally just as I was sitting down to lunch today. We talked for some time. He is just amazing and awesome and I love and adore him. He too helps me get things in perspective.
So, between my journal, Jeff, and Ben, life looks good today. Life is not about all the crazy little things we have to do everyday- there will always be dishes to wash and bills to pay- but about the big things- family, the changing seasons, laughing and getting excited.
My new October resolution is to lighten up. Be happy. Look at the positive and quit letting myself get bogged down in the day to day stress. Somehow I think it's possible. And, if I am justified in the things that get me down, I'm going to speak up or take charge or figure them out. Happiness, perhaps, does have to be pursued.

T.K.O.

I've heard/read that it's good for a couple to fight. If done constructively, it gets feelings expressed and problems solved etc. It made sense. Sometimes I think it would be good for my hubby and me to have a big blow up fight. It could be good for me to stick up for myself or let it out or whatever. It's good to know that we still love each other after these things happen. And, sometimes, we come to understand something about the other person we didn't see before.



Jeff and I don't fight much. Sometimes I think we never fight, it's more like emotional outbursts- something bothers me or I have my feelings hurt, I try to get over it and then cry about it. He'll be bugged by something and let me know and we'll get over it. Once in a while, we have a fight where we're both just out of patience or seeing things differently and we get emotional rather than calmly talk it through. For the most part, I feel like we communicate well and are able to express ourselves and consider each other's point of view.



But, I'm not so sure the fighting thing is a good idea. I once told Benny, my best friend, that I would never say anything insulting to him or anyone else that I knew they actually might be bothered by. For example, if I was mad at my friend who had blue freckles and was self concious about it, I would never bring that up in an argument. I would never make fun of that, no matter how hurt I was. Fighting that way is immature and not "constructive." Even so, I know that in fights, things get said that you can never take back. Sometimes I get upset about something and find so many reasons or examples to back it up, so many past occurences that justify what I'm feeling in that moment. But, once the fog clears, a lot of those things don't matter. A lot of those feelings aren't really something that even bother me on a day to day basis. They are things that should be let go of. Sometimes my husband says things when he's upset or will talk about things that upset him and maybe it's just the way he says it even, but what gets said hurts me. It's an emotional cut that has to be healed and cared for as real as any physical cut.

My problem is, emotional cuts are hard for me to heal. Years later, I can think of something someone said or an emotion that I felt and still remember just as clearly, exactly what it felt like. So with that, when my feelings get hurt, it's like I feel it forever. It's a defense. I'm protecting myself. If I can change your misunderstanding, I will forever be trying to prevent you from saying or feeling that way to or about me. If I think you will hurt me, I will go out of my way to avoid whatever it was that will cause that to happen, even if it means closing myself off.

Maybe it's about forgiveness. Maybe part of loving someone is, unfortunately, the potential for hurt feelings, misunderstandings, and emotional blow ups. So with that needs to come forgiveness and letting go. How do you do that?

Time Flies

Today I've been at my job for a year.

As of yesterday, I've been married for six months.

To Kiki

Something the other day reminded me of an episode I watched of "America's Next Top Model." For the photo shoot in this episode, the models were dressed in elegant but simple, flowing dresses, long hair (many of them getting extensions), and soft, glittery make-up- a rather ethereal look. Then they were put in pairs and had to get in a swimming pool of freezing water (it just happened to be the time of year, location etc, not like Fear Factor) and posed floating on the water. It was quite a stunning visual; I imagine it would make a very effective ad campaign or magazine spread.
Tyra Banks, the supermodel who runs the show, kept telling the girls they had to not look cold for the pictures. She said that as a supermodel, they will be asked to pose in swimming suits in the snow and heavy coats in scorching sun. They had to learn to not let that discomfort show. One girl was very good at not letting that come through in her pictures. Eventually, however, she started shaking so badly they had to pull her out of the water and give her medical treatment. She was starting to hypo(hyper?) thermeate. Then Tyra told her that you have to know your body and it's limits and it's up to you to let the photographers know when you have to stop or need a break. At the end of the show, when they all get evaluated, look at pictures, and ultimately one girl gets sent home, the (constructive?) criticism for this girl was that as a super model she would be asked to perform in these harsh conditions and the judges didn't know if she had the strength for it. It was a bit of a challenge, perhaps even just in her own mind, to see if she could "pull it together" and do this- was it really her dream etc- or did she have to come to terms with the fact that her body would not allow her to go to these extremes?

I was reminded of this episode thinking of such things as panic attacks, depression, fears and anxiety. I was thinking of people (or maybe just one person) I know who, it appears, has let her whole life stop because these things have become so overwhelming. I say "let" her- I try not to judge because I don't know what it is like for her. But, a part of me does know what it's like- at least I think I do. I go to work everyday having to fight this feeling inside of me... I don't know if I can even describe the feeling. It's different everyday. Some days it's a great stomach ache. Other days it feels like every muscle in my body has been electrically shocked. Sometimes I just feel like crying and am tired. Most days it's a much more subtle, general challenge of just feeling good about myself and trying to hold onto confidence.

A few weeks ago I went to dinner with my parents, little sister and her (our) friend. My sister and her friend are starting their second years of college. I was truly amazed at how beautiful, smart, articulate, talented... simply wonderful... both these girls are. As they talked about current events, politics, poetry, philosophy, and where they are going with their lives, I was truly awed by and excited for them. There is no doubt our friend will go far in her career and life choices. She is so sure of herself that I'm sure life will open up all the possibilities for which she seeks.
My sister on the other hand... I fear she will hold herself back. I fear that she will "let" anxieties and unsureities get in her way. She is every bit as capable as our friend, but there are these stumbling blocks.
I fear this not as criticism but because I saw it that day in myself.

I too am beautiful and smart and educated and have my talents. But, have I gone as far as I could have with them? Have I gone as far as I want to with them? Am I like the girl who's dream it is to be the supermodel but her body won't let her? Am I like the other acquaintence who needs to get past herself and not "let" things get to her? Is there a choice there or do we have to submit to what life gives us? I've come to believe in my life that if you're only five feet tall, you won't become a basketball star no matter how talented you are or how hard you work at it. We raise our kids saying you can be or do anything you set your mind to- it's the American dream- but I don't know if that's a reality. We have to know ourselves and I think learning to live with your shortcomings is part of that, even if it means knowing what you can't do. On the other hand, I don't want to be like these people I know or see that do in fact LET things stop them.

Job

It seems a long time since I have posted and I feel an inkling to let the world know I am alive.

Mondays have always been my busiest and often hardest days at this job. I feel like I do more work on Monday than I do the rest of the week combined. Because of deadlines and when things get done, there really doesn't seem to be much I can do to change this or spread Monday out over the rest of the week. I do leave what I can for Tuesday, but that's not much.

The last few Mondays have been very trying though- more so than ever. Usually a good hard Monday is a good way to start the week. Being busy makes the day fly by and I don't have time to have "a case of the Mondays." Then Tuesday I catch up and finish up and by then it's Wednesday and the week's half over. But these last few weeks...

For my job, I receive orders from solicitors. It's my job to track how many orders they turn in, what kind they are, get them to the right people to "fill" the orders, keep track of how many do get done, how many don't get done, and then do all the stuff to get the solicitors paid for the good orders. (When I say it out loud, I actually think my job sounds impressive. I feel like I do a lot and am learning a lot and it's not just a run of the mill job.) Throughout the week, different solicitors bring in orders on different days. But on Monday, everybody brings in orders. Not only do I have all the solicitors bring in orders, they bring in a lot of orders because they've been selling all weekend. In the last month, we have had three new solicitors added to our business here. For the last 8 months, I have had 10 so, for the mathematically impaired, this is a 33% increase, ie. a lot more work. Not only that, the new groups all have special needs that have increased my work load a great deal. Then, to top things off, the company has made some changes to what we even are selling. This means I've had to make changes in my databases. This means things got all messed up, even things I didn't change, because I'm still learning how to manipulate things in Access. We'll call that a learning experience. We have only one full time person who actually enters the orders. The other two people who do this also have other work they do during the day. About a month ago, our veteran full time person quit without notice. This left a lot of us trying to catch up to all her work. They did, thankfully, quickly replace this full time person, but the new person's training has been a slow process. All in all, Monday's have been a mess. I spend a great amount of time also entering the orders and not doing the rest of what I have to do. Then because of all this, they give orders to just anybody who even thinks they know how to do them so when they come back to me on Tuesday I have a bunch of mistakes I have to fix. Yesterday it seemed not just that people had made mistakes, but that in their laziness and/or all the rush they simply didn't do things that could have been done and it all gets left to me. I was very frustrated.

I go back and forth a lot with my job. At the same time I feel like I'll never get it (like learning Access all by trial and error) I've also become so busy with tedious stuff (doing a lot of the orders myself) that I have no time for what my actual job is. I have days (or sometimes just moments) of feeling like I'm going to take ownership of this job and really get good at it and be professional in my attitude etc. Then I have days where I feel like I'm not giving anything to this job, it's not giving me much and I could (or should) be doing more with my talents and education.

If I had a Million Dollars

The other day I heard a commercial on the radio about some fund raising kind of thing for, I assumed, single moms. Now sure, there are people out there who get into some pretty bad situations and they need help. I'm all for that. But what popped in my head was... well, all kinds of not nice things about not nice girls and girls that just aren't smart. One of my good friends in high school got pregnant our senior year. Our counselor bent over backwards to help my friend graduate (over looking the fact that she'd pretty much missed our junior year to go out with her boyfriend, thus getting pregnant- they didn't use protection because she had the notion that she didn't know if she could get pregnant!). Because she was a single mother, she had help with school post high school and received all kinds of goodies for the baby through sub for santa with the state, and even now when we have get togethers, she provides all the food because she gets so much money in food stamps she can't use it all. Another friend recently told me about her friend who was randomly selected by the government after he got fired to go to school anywhere he wants for free (I don't know all the ins and outs and is that really true of this claim).
I know it's mean of me, but these things make me want to scream and cry. My hubby and I aren't putting off having kids because of money, but money is a big concern for me. I worry almost everyday about when we want to have kids because of the money issue. Nobody's paying him to go to school and even though he's only done a year, we have a HUGE student loan already to be paid off. And no one is paying me to get pregnant and stay home with my babies.

One time when I was going through a hard time, my sister suggested distracting myself by thinking of all the things I'd do if I had a million dollars. In an effort to be more positive, that's what I started thinking about with this. I think if I had a million dollars I would have a mommy scholarship fund. I would pay women to stay home and take care of their kids. I think one criteria would be that she would have to have a college degree and be involved in some way in a church. I guess that leaves out people who marry young and the mom stays home with the babies rather than go to college, I don't think that's a bad thing. Maybe if the dad was in school or had a degree, I'd make an exception in that case. Hm, do you realize that even in my little fantasies I'm trying not to hurt anyone's feelings? Duh. So, if I had all the money in the world...
JoAnna's Mommy Grant:
Award: $2000/month to a woman with at least an associates degree and some work experience. Must submit an essay about yourself and where you've been and why it's important to you to stay home with your baby. Award will continue from birth of first child until your third child is in fourth grade as long as you have children under the age of ten. (By then, Dad should have a pretty good job and maybe mom can take up some part time something or other).
Perhaps I should administer a test to the recipient each year to make sure she's not dumb and/or lazy and just taking my money. It needs to be someone smart who continues to better herself and her children- not just lay around on the couch yelling at the kids and eating snacks all day. Award and continuation are left to my sole discretion. There'd also have to be a way of monitoring how these people are living- if they have money to spend on cars and extravagances, they probably don't need my help. I guess it would have to be somewhat need based. So, include in your essay what debts you have and why and explain your views on money, budgets, and where you buy your clothes. How many pairs of shoes do you have?

Well, I'm just letting my mind wander. It's kinda a fun way to think about what I think.

Reviewing life and movies

Saturday I watched two movies. The first, Premonition, was a suspense drama. I found the suspense part of it to be a bit annoying. At first it was like "we'll be suspenseful and unexpected by not letting the audience in on anything we're doing." Seriously, I had no idea what was going on. Then all of a sudden I figured it out. I thought it was a bit obvious and then felt annoyed that it took the character so long to figure it out. (I think I had biased feelings going into it. Jeff's dad and sister argued about it the last time we saw them. His dad thought it was dumb and a girlie movie where his sister and her mom thought it was great and watched it twice to figure it all out. Of course Jeff had to side with his dad and refused to even watch it with me). The end, or the final climax, was also upsetting. You know me and happy endings. But the actual end of the movie, moral of the story was pretty good. I even cried.

The second movie I watched was High School Musical on the Disney channel. It was exactly that- a musical about high school. It was full of impossibly happy coincidences, kids being kids but then learning their lesson and all pulling together, and in the end (don't let me ruin it for you) the main characters not only land the lead in the school musical, they also win the academic decathlon AND the basketball championship AND resolve things with their rivals. So happy that there's even a sequel coming out for it. Yay.

Usually, even into my 20's, I like this kind of sappy, sugary stuff. It inspires me to wear a cute outfit, do my hair and go out and take on the world. Maybe I don't want to star in the musical, play basketball AND win the academic event, but, it's nice to know I could if I wanted to and maybe I do hold back.
But this weekend, I found it boring and annoying. Throughout the day, I found myself thinking about the first movie, not so much for the mystery and story, but because I liked seeing the woman buy the house, take her kids to school, do the laundry and grocery shopping, exercise, and figure out her relationship with her husband. I really enjoyed watching her do the day to day stuff. (Okay, and I really liked her outfit and hair in the last scene- even better than the kids on the Disney channel). The weird thing is, I could relate to her MUCH better than the kids. Surprise, I'm a grown up.

In spite of being weird and a bit sad at the passing of my adolescence, this was a good thing. Even going out to walk the dog, I felt a weight lifted. Being a grown up means I am comfortable with where I'm at and where I've been. I'm okay with the fact that I was never the popular cheerleader, like I might have daydreamed about when I was seven. I don't have to dress to impress others with my trendiness; I can look like a grown up- comfortable in my own skin. My body doesn't have to look like the teeny tiny fourteen year old's body. It's good and exciting that the important things in my life are doing the laundry and grocery shopping, not winning competitions and making friends.

My genius little brother has made quite a hobby out of movie watching and critiquing in the past. I think it's cool and he's taught me a lot. He has, at times, criticized some of my favorite movies for their simplicity. I can see and, I'll admit, even agree with what he has to say. But I think what makes them my favorite movies is having a character I can identify with. My mom and I have talked a lot about heroes. There doesn't seem to be a lot of women out there, especially in the media, that inspire me to be what it is I want to be. Sometimes, unfortunately, it's hard to be my own hero and it just helps to have someone you can look at and say, that's how I want to be.

Playing Outside

It's funny the little things in life that define us. Big moments like a wedding, a birth, or a death change everything but it seems funny that life just goes on as usual. Then there are the small things, a word, a gesture, an occurrence, that seem to redefine our thinking.

One time I went to Southern Utah with Dad. I was standing on a rock over looking Arches National Park when this calm, knowing feeling swept over me. In that moment, I knew exactly who I was and I wanted to cling to it so badly. The thing is, it's a fleeting feeling, but somehow it does take hold of us and move us in the right direction.

The same thing happened over the weekend when we went four wheeling. Being outside, away from the noise and hustle of the city is so freeing. Doing something fun and, for me at least, adventurous got me in touch with a side of myself that's been aching to get out. Watching this really cute, built guy ride a four wheeler like he's a little kid playing in the dirt but so strong looking and taking care of me and making sure I'm alright like a man and realizing he's my husband... it was kind of like stepping into my life and seeing it just as it is. Like you live life and get caught up in seeing it from your eyes looking out. Then this moment comes along and you get to step back and see a real picture of it but you also finally get to experience all the details that go by on a day to day basis.

When we were four wheeling, a couple times when we stopped, Jeff told me I had dirt on my face. I saw a smudge or two on his and said so do you. When we got back to his mom's house and I went in the bathroom, my face was black- like I'd put something sticky on my face and put it in a big pile of dirt. I had gross little gobs of dirt caked in the corners of my eyes. I looked HORRIBLE! When I came out, I said, now you've seen me look like the dirt monster, I hope you can still love me. Later he said if he wanted me to look pretty, he wouldn't of had me follow. In those two moments, I realized that he will love me, even if he sees me looking bad. And, it's the moments you share that are more important, more binding than looking pretty for him all the time. I know those things, but they were actualized in those moments.

All my blogs, all my journal entries since I was twelve, are about this search for myself. Like I know who I am, but getting it out in real life seems so hard. But these little experiences give me just one quick moment of knowing. And then they linger, drawing me toward something, giving me some peace of mind and assurance.

I get afraid too easily. I see myself and know who I am and what I am about and it feels like maybe it's different than what other people see or expect of me and I'm afraid to change. Lately I've realized that a lot of my fears come down to being afraid of confrontation. And by confrontation I mean asserting myself, asking questions, dealing with people being mad at me or misunderstanding me or not knowing me. Living feels like a confrontation to me. If I have these defining moments of knowing myself and I try to follow through and live that, I'm going to have to confront the world- even if it is just the little one I live in- and that scares me. It's easier to just go on with what people expect. Except, of course, in the week following these moments when that side that aches to come out has had a breath and rekindles the fire of hope and I feel that burning inside of me.

And what am I going to change? What big, destroy everyone's world or at least their expectations of me things am I going to do? I don't know. I really like that gray t-shirt of Jeff's that he gave me with the bulldog on a motorcycle (or something like that) on the back. I might wear that all weekend every weekend. I might get Jeff to take us fourwheeling once in a while. I might change in some of my "hippy" clothes for something a little less soft for the office- just so I can feel more assertive. I might not worry so much about how someone else is going to feel when it comes to making decisions about my job/career. I might just say, sorry and thank you but this is what I'm doing. Not try to explain away every thought and feeling I have trying to make theirs all better. I might not worry too much about old friends and not talking to them often. I might do my hair less or maybe more, but more simply.

Checking In

Last Friday my step-mother in law called me. She works at a private Christian school and they are looking for a new teacher for a 3rd/4th grade class and I was the first one she thought of. It was one of those things that come into your life and seems like the perfect opportunity is just handed to you...
Well, maybe it's perfect, but maybe it's not once you look closer. I don't know how I feel about teaching 8 and 9 year olds. I mean, it would be fun, but I'm not naive enough to not see the challenges in it. I have no background (except at church) in preparing lessons for them, knowing how they learn and think etc. And the other thing that is a big hesitation is it would be a big cut in pay; I try not to work for the money, but right now, it is something I have to consider.
I was supposed to call the principal yesterday. I had such a busy day I took 15 minutes for lunch and went to the bathroom once. I was here for over 8 hours. When I did think about calling him, I got that big dropping feeling in my stomach. Maybe it was fear, maybe it was being too busy. I put it off. Today I thought I would call him and at least learn more about it before trying to make up my mind, but again I got that feeling. I've tried in the past to listen to that feeling you have when you're first waking up and you think about a question that's been on your mind. That too has told me no. I think I've learned in my life to listen to that, so today I kind of let go of thinking I would do anything to pursue this.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Last weekend we bought Jeff a new used car. Crazy considering our finances, but we got a really good price with reasonable payments. It's pretty. It's a Saturn SC2- it's a sporty little car (his mom says he looks too big in it) and it's black. We've been very excited.

We also went four wheeling out by his mom's house in Lake Point over the weekend. It's one of those things I feel like I'm supposed to be too scared to do or not supposed to because it's dangerous. But it was SO fun. I really felt like we'd done something for the weekend and it was relaxing and exhilarating at the same time. He led and I followed- my face got so black with dirt it was embarrassing. I learned to not follow so closely. A couple times I had to stop because the dust got so bad, I couldn't see the path and was afraid I'd drive off into a fence or ditch.

Too tired to keep working

About a week and a half ago, my car died. I picked Jeff up in the morning on a Friday (leaving his car at his work), got home and went in the house for a few minutes, and when I leftagain, it wouldn't start. Just dead. I missed work that day because I had absolutely no way to get here- I didn't even have a dollar for the bus if I could find one to take. This stressed me out. I don't like calling in to work. I get so tense and embarrassed and worried about it. Jeff gets very bothered by this. I think he's trying to help me cope and see things in perspective- life does go on- but sometimes his lack of "getting it" stresses me out more. He saw this day as a chance to spend the day together because there was nothing we could do to get me to work. He felt bad that all I could think of was, "I have to get to work." He thinks I care too much about work and what people think of me. He's probably right, but I also needed to be understood.

That weekend, Jeff and his brother replaced the alternator in my car. I think Jeff was quite pleased that he had fixed it for me. The car still didn't start real smoothly, but I thought I was just being paranoid. I got to work and home just fine Monday. Tuesday morning, it was dead again. Jeff thought I should just call in again, but I couldn't miss another day for it. I called in late and we took his car to Jiffy Lube before he drove me to work. He didn't dare let me drive it because it has so many problems but thought it would be better if we had the oil changed etc. It drove a lot better after that and I drove it to work the rest of the week.

Jeff gets off work at 8 in the morning and I have to be to my job at 9. That Friday, just before he was to leave, someone got hurt by a machine at his work. Part of his job is to find out what happened and write up a report about it. This made him late getting home so I was once again late for work, waiting for his car.

We thought that my car probably just needed a new battery. Jeff wasn't sure how to do this, but was pretty sure he could figure it out. We planned on getting it done over the weekend. His brother said he could help, but not until Sunday. Saturday morning he stopped by and listened as I tried to start it and said it was probably most definitely the battery. In spite of my stress, we kept putting off getting it done. By Sunday afternoon we decided his car had been going fine and I would just take it that Monday morning and we'd get to my car sometime. Really, we did need the weekend together and to think about something besides the car and work.

Sunday night his car died on him three times, on the freeway (like when he'd slow down because of other cars) on his way to work. He didn't want me to drive it Monday morning. Monday's are my stressful days at work. I feel like I do more work on Monday than I do the rest of the week combined. I did NOT want to miss, especially because things have been more stressful than ever. He had a hard time driving home Monday and when he got there coolant spilled all over the parking lot in a matter of minutes. Again I had NO car and no way to get anything going. Embarassingly, I again missed work.

Jeff got the battery out of my car and around noon, mudder came and took me to get a new battery. I hoped Jeff would sleep considering he'd only slept about an hour in the last 27 hours. I went with mom, we got the battery, went to the drug store, and went to see Jamesy who has had his tonsils out. It took me all day to get rid of the stress of not being at work. That night Jeff put the new battery in my car and it starts very smoothly. The stress I felt leaving my body once we finally had it taken care of was intense. But then Tuesday came and I had to catch up to everything I'd not done Monday and I found out they are making a bunch of changes that effect A LOT of what I do. It's a lot of thinking and planning and communicating. I also drove Jeff to work at 11:30 the last two nights, get up at 6 to walk the dog, and be ready to go pick him up at 7:30.

Speaking of the dog, not that y'all want to know this, but she doesn't go to the bathroom. I spend so much time outside with her but she doesn't seem to know it's okay to go. She seems nervous. Thankfully, she's good about not going in the house (except for the hour we left her alone Saturday and I think she panicked- she was very upset when we got home and she'd left two surprises for us). She's gone a few times when Jeff takes her out, but both his dad and step mom say she's very shy and private about going to the bathroom. I try to let her wander on her own so she can get comfortable, but she runs from me. At first she'd stop when I called her, but now she just runs. Jeff's voice can make her stop, so he doesn't have that problem. (oh, and her name is Niobe- pronounces Nie-oh-bee). This causes me stress too. It's only been in the last few days that she's even really eaten much.

Anyway, I'm tired.

Dog

Jeff and I have decided to adopt a dog. His dad's family has this big old dog that is so sweet. She is a basset hound/begal mix. Her head and body are the size of a good medium sized dog- she is very wide and heavy. But she has short little stocky legs that make it hard for her to even go up the stairs or jump on the couch. Jeff says they call this mix a Bagel (or maybe he just made that up). Everytime we are there, she just wants to be by Jeff. She lays her head on his leg and just wants to be there. His dad has decided to get a couple big dogs (I don't remember what kind) that they will try to breed and sell for a thousand dollars a pup. They aren't supposed to have more than three dogs and they already have two, so the brown dog has been offered to us.

When Jeff asked if I wanted her, my first reaction was "if you clean up the mess" but the truth was, I was excited. I really like that dog. And the more I thought about it, the more excited I got about having her. Even when I woke up at six this morning and thought about taking the dog out in my pajamas, I still want her.

So, today after work, I'm stopping at Jeff's dad's house to pick up the dog.

Today I wrote an email to my mom, just checking in. I wanted to tell her about the dog. But, everytime I started to type it, I felt hesitant. I felt stupid. The parental voice in my head said why would you want to do that? And I worry about the mess and the expense.
Not to bore people again, but this is how my mind works and I'm tired of it.
____________________________________________________________________
I wrote that yesterday. We took the dog home last night. She is very well behaved and slept on the bed with me the whole night.

Meme

1. I try to stack the groceries in the cart nice and neat and keep similar items together. All the frozen stuff in one corner, paper products and toiletries in another. This seems perfectly natural to me and it kind of happens by itself as you progress through the store, but sometimes it takes a lot of effort and I have to stop and rearrange the cart before I can go on. I've also been with people who just throw their stuff in there. It makes me cringe! Along with this, I have to hang my clothes so that all the shirts etc face the same way in the closet. So does my husband (of his own accord, not because I make him). And I have to hang similar styles together.

2. The filling in Twinkies is what makes my teeth hurt! (See Benny's blog). But it's more like the roof of my mouth. It's almost a nauseating type of pain.

3. When I was a kid- really young, perhaps before kindergarten?- I didn't know what dreaming was so I made up dreaming about going to Disneyland. I didn't even know I was "making it up" at the time, but later felt really guilty for lying. I also used to deliver messages (from one parent to another or from the phone) by saying, he said .... "or something like that." I added the something like that part because I thought I would be lying if I didn't get it exactly right. If my dad said "tell your mom I'll be home in a while" and I said "dad said he'll be home in a bit," usually because I didn't remember his exact words, I thought it would be a lie.

4. I like camoflouge pants for girls.

5. When Jeff leaves for work at night, I sleep with a big red dog and a pretty red bear he gave me for Valentine's day. He recently brought home a brightly colored chicken that I now too make sure is on the bed with me. All these things make me not feel so lonely while he's gone, but I also include his chicken because I don't want the chicken to feel left out!

6. My favorite part of making Kraft dinner is eating the noodles that get stuck to the spoon I use to stir and serve it with. They truly are the best part. As is the last bite of ice-cream, in a cone, when you pop the whole end in your mouth and it squishes out.

7. We plan to name our children after the water cycle: Rayne, River, Cloud and Sky.

8. I work a lot in Access databases for my job. I took a level one class recently and felt like I learned a lot but when I get in and try to actually do stuff, I realize how basic the class was. I've recently had to get in and change some things around and I've been figuring it out. Today I had to do a BIG thing with it that I hadn't done before and no one had shown me. I had some good notes on it and I figured it out!!!! I feel very proud of myself.

I don't think there's anyone left to tag...

It's a rich man's world?

There's a girl at work that's around my age- a couple years younger, I think. She is quitting in August because she is getting married and moving to Cyprus (it's in the Middle East area somewhere?) and going to travel around Europe. She is very pretty and very smart and very nice and very professional. Some people in my area were talking yesterday because they've posted her job, looking for a replacement, and it gives the starting salary at $60,000. Apparently, this girl isn't making that much; they will be adding responsibilities to the position after she's gone. Still, word is, she makes about $40,000 and has an MBA.

This got the people around me talking about different people and how much they make, from the customer service people to the higher ups. I really don't think of myself as a wordly person, but it gets me thinking (I have been anyway) that I should be doing more with my education and making more money. I think I'm a smart person. I think I could be capable of taking on a lot. But at the same time, I don't think I'd want the stress. The girl who's getting married has to take care of A LOT of stuff around here. I don't know, even if I had the brain and experience, that I'd WANT to do that. And yet, I don't like feeling like I'm wasting my time, my talents, my education. I don't like that we only make enough to pay the bills and MAYBE, if we're careful, we can order a pizza once a payday. I feel like I've worked too hard to get here to be living like that.

So... what do you do? How do you find that balance in life? How do you define success and happiness? And then, once you have defined it for yourself, how do you get it? I really, honestly, truly, sometimes think I would like to move to Wyoming and be a llama farmer (maybe Wyoming is too cold for them) or go to Alaska and raise sled dogs. But in reality, I have no clue about those things and it will probably never happen. But how do you find your own equivalent? How do I find what I do know, what I can do? Hmm...

Forgiveness and Change

I will try to keep this vague on purpose and hope it still makes sense. In the last few days, I have had an encounter with an old friend. This particular friend has hurt me in the past in a way that's hard to explain to other people. A lot of trust has been injured in me and it affects a lot of current and future relationships with other people as well as with myself. In the past, I thought I had forgiven this person- several times actually- and let things go. I thought I could be a grown up enough to deal with the scars that were left and smart enough to overcome the effects they have.
Recently however, there were a series of events that brought out the old wounds worse than ever. It's like someone ripping the scar right off your skin and pouring salt into the open wound. Trying to be vague, I'll leave it at that but wanting to explain myself (I'm as clear as mud?) I'll say, yes, it was that bad. I have felt very defensive and vowed to never see this person again or have anything to do with them.
However, that was not a possibility. My most recent encounter was a happy occassion. I didn't want to think about all the hurt and I can be pretty good at denial, so I ignored a lot of things and just enjoyed the rest of what was going on. What happened though surprised me. I jokingly told this person about something stupid they'd done- nothing to do with the big bad pain- and they looked sincerely sorry for it. This was no big deal at all, just playful teasing in a fitting moment. Because of all that was going on, I felt like I don't want to have hate and hurt for this person. It's too tiring to hold onto the conviction to protect myself from past hurt by avoiding any contact or awareness of this person. I felt myself wanting to be involved with this person.
Later, thinking about all this, it popped into my head without any permission of mine, "but is it okay to forgive all that happened?" This is not as cold hearted as it sounds. I've read the conference talks and had the Sunday school lessons and I know why it's important to forgive and I HAVE wanted that. What this thought was asking was, is it okay to not explain to people- important people, aquaintances, everybody!- why I am the way I am? Is it okay to let go of the pain and not worry about the scars that I think everyone sees? Is it okay to stop reacting the way I do trying to hide my injuries and weaknesses? Is it okay if not everyone knows my secret? I think what I'm trying to say is, can I be a whole person without wearing my injuries on the outside... like, is it honest or something?

Anyway... I'm not sure how/if this fits but it's also on my mind. My mom and siblings threw a big 4th of July barbeque party yesterday. I was excited; I like celebrating things. I was also a bit apprehensive because my hubby is not one to go out and play and socialize (just so you know, that's usually a good thing and we get along great with it) and I wasn't sure how the day would go with him. And, he had to work at midnight so I didn't know when he would need to be sleeping (he usually just doesn't). A few days before the party my mom was telling me all the people who would be there- a whole bunch of new people and friends of people I don't know. This also brought out my apprehension.
Both my siblings went through an unexpected divorce in the last year. Perhaps it's selfish, but it's been hard on me too. I feel like I lost two sisters... I did lose two sisters! It's been 12 or 15 years that I've spent loving these people, accepting them as family and building relationships. As my mom told me about all the new people that would be coming, I got very upset. I felt like I don't want to go either, I'll just stay home with Jeff. I don't want to feel awkward in my own home and not know people and be expected to just accept them as family just because someone else likes them.
I know that sounds horrible. I guess I'm more hard hearted than I like to think I am, but hopefully you'll see that it's because I've felt hurt. While I was getting ready for the day, for some reason I thought of my brother's dogs which made me wonder if my sister would be bringing her wife's dog... I was so sad to remember that he had died and even sadder to remember that they're divorced and her wife wouldn't be there either. Mind you, neither of my "sisters" were at my wedding and that was sad too. But anyway...
I did go to the family party. Jamesy and Khrystine went to the store with me and I was SO incredibly happy. I was dancing and singing down the aisle just to have their company. And the BBQ itself was great. My sister's new girlfriend is SO wonderful. I DO love her and feel like she's family. All their friends were great and fun to have around. And my brother's new girlfriend and all her kids, I have to admit I was very nervous about. It's like I don't want to replace my old sister in law and neice and nephews... but you know what? I felt love for them too. Her kids are adorable- ALL of them. One of them looks and acts so much like my husband it's crazy. It was so fun to talk to him, it was like knowing what my sons will be like. And the little ones called my mom grandma and it wasn't even weird. The daughter is deaf and I wanted so much to talk to her, I just didn't know how.

So, I guess life goes on. Things change. You get hurt. And I guess it is okay to let go of it and move on and love people. It's so scary somehow. It's like instead of that giving me peace and letting me know it's okay, I'm more afraid than ever. New people to hurt and be hurt by and lose... or new people to love and take care of? I guess it's a two edged sword and that's life and that's a good thing.

Different

Last night I lay in bed going through all the things I don't admit about myself. Things that have happened, thoughts that I've had, things that I've done. I'm not an honest person with myself. I would argue that honest is a bit heavy of a word, it's more like I'm censored- even in my own thoughts and views of myself. I'm always trying to do the right thing, think the right way, say the right thing in the right way.
At first it was too uncomfortable to look at some things- I wanted to pray, "can't you just change it? make it so it never happened?" But then I found myself saying, no. Look at it. This is you, this is your life, just own it.
I don't mean to sound melodramatic or like I have these big secrets I'm hiding (see, here I go, explaining myself, editing, "it's not so bad"- but it's really not). But this felt like a life changing moment to me. No more hiding. No more faking it. No more appearances.
I started to think of how I was in high school, the things I did and didn't do. I realize that I was trying to be invisible. Even the ways I chose to step into my own sort of spotlight, were, in a sense, calculated to hide me. Get the good grades, hang with the right people, take a chance and join the club. Still just hiding.
I thought of who my husband is to me, what he does for me and imagined what it would have been like if I would have dated him in high school, if I would have had that friend. Things would have been different. I would have been different.
My mom has told me that you can go back and in your mind reset an event, change what happened in your mind, act it out the way you wish it would have happened, in order to change your perception of it. This kind of happened last night. By thinking of having someone there for me, someone that made it safe to admit everything that was around me and in me and I was going through, and seeing that I could have been different, made it feel possible to be different now. And the thing is, it's not different like change yourself and get a make over. It's different as in now I can be real. Now I don't have to be "different" than who I am.

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow?

My mother has said that she is a completely different person now than she was twenty years ago. We change as we grow through life. Sure, we may basically be the same person- morals, values, whatever. Even the same personality. My mother, to me, is the same as she's been my whole life. But maybe that's not HER, that's our relationship.


Anyway, I just wonder why I worry so much about planning everything exactly right, when I know it's all going to be different anyway. Even who I am. I'm a lot different than I was five or ten years ago and definitely different than I was in high school. I feel like I'm trying to make decisions and plans now to last my whole life, when really, when I get there, it's going to be... who knows what?



So probably the wisest thing is to look at where I am. What needs to happen at this time in my life? What is happening and what should I enjoy and do and be? It's always good to look forward and be aware of the future, plan ahead a bit. But I do get too caught up, TOO FAR AHEAD of myself.

Sometimes I kind of wish I wasn't a smart person. I don't often feel smart, but I feel labeled that way. Maybe it would be nice to not have a college degree I feel compelled to live up to. Maybe it would be nice to realize that I'll never make more money than x-dollars so I don't have to worry about it. I don't have to feel like I HAVE to. I always feel like I need to be doing more, that where I'm at isn't enough, that I have to have all the answers and not make any mistakes.

Selfish

I have been reading "Fountainhead" by Ayn Rand and it is so thought provoking. I don't feel smart enough to talk about it but it is definitely one that needs discussion.


Last night I read a part where a guy was saying how hard it is to do what we truly want to do. He had been very successful and popular within his field but was always doing it to impress somebody. He walked away from the one or two things he ever truly wanted.


A couple other characters had quite a discussion about what it means to be selfish. One guy used an example of someone who does what everyone else expects and people think he's selfish and self absorbed because he does it all for the fame and glory of it. But, this character points out, there is no self in that. It's not an expression of him so in fact it is very self less. He kinda talked about the rightness of being selfish- of doing in fact what we want to do.


A few weeks back, I determined, again, that I want to be a teacher. It really has felt for the first time since I got out of high school like there's nothing inside holding me back- no fear, no rationalizing, no divided paths and wondering what else I could do. Today I got an email about a scholarship thing I was looking into- they'll pay people to go to school to become math teachers if they are willing to teach in rural areas, where it's hard to get people to come. It sounds perfect. I'd love to live in a small town and be a math teacher. The email said they have nothing to offer me right now. The school I've been looking into is an online thing and I get about a million emails a day from them. I finally responded to one last week asking some financial questions and I have not heard back. It's very discouraging.


But, in the last couple weeks, I also read an article on the internet about how bad it is for women to put off having babies for too long. This is not something I thought I would do. When I was sixteen, I probably thought I'd have ten kids by this age! But with the reality of it here, looking at me and my husband and where we're at, having them very soon doesn't seem even possible. The article scared me though. This was the day I looked over at Mel's blog and was happily reminded of what it is I really want to be doing. I've been thinking a lot of babies in the last week.


This makes me think of schooling- my own and teaching- and wonder if it even makes sense to take on student teaching and my first year of teaching with morning sickness. And is it wise to take on more debt right when I'd want to be quitting work to be home with the babies? Wouldn't that insure it as an impossibility-being able to be home with them? Perhaps the wise choice would be to keep plugging along at my work- we at least aren't going into MORE debt, even if the rise out is slow.


The frustrating thing is, to those of you who know me and have talked really personally with me over the years, it sounds like the same old indecisive me and I HATE that! But it FEELS so different. I don't feel like I"m making excuses or trying to out guess the future etc like I always do and it's the way I think. I feel like I'm really trying to come to some conclusions. I'm really trying to make some good, right and smart choices. And even more frustrating, as usual, is that I would even care what it looks like to anyone else- like I'm bugging people by my same old talking. And even more frustrating than that is, WHAT I WANT!


I read the book last night and I feel a stirring inside. I feel like I'm a smart person, that I can "get" what this philosophy is trying to tell me. I'm not just another run of the mill person who's going to be happy in my mundane life because I don't know any better. I AM BETTER THAN THAT! I am capable of doing exactly what I want. I'm even, despite my actions to the contrary, capable of knowing what I want. And I feel, like the book says, it's the hardest thing in the world to be truly selfish and do exactly what you want.


And then there's this other person. The love of my life, my best friend, the guy I want to spend my whole life and forever with and share everything with. Falling in love was so easy. Getting married and committing myself to him was so easy. But now what? And how do we make OUR life out of his and mine? I sometimes find myself afraid of talking about what I want with him, because if he says no, it almost feels more definite than if God says it. I don't want to be afraid of him. I don't want to hold back because of all my stupid insecurities. But that's not really the point... It's just that it's not just me anymore. There are two of us and more to come and how do I assert myself, something I've never been capable of anyway, and take into account all that he is? I can't go to Alaska and raise sled dogs if he's allergic to snow.

Turn That Frown Upside Down

"When you walked in,

I said with a grin,

We were just talking about you.

We all had to lie,

Because you would cry,

If you knew we were laughing at you...



Come on now now, come on now now, Enjoy the humor of the situation."
~BNL


The other day, playing with my husband, he said to just enjoy it. It's not that I wasn't having fun, it's that even in playing a game, I am so concerned about looking stupid or what the other person is thinking or feeling. When he said it, I realized that I COULD have just relaxed and enjoyed it- it was just him and me. So why didn't I?

Last night I went out with my mom and sister. We went to the fabric store because they were having a great sale and out to eat Chinese food- yum! I was excited to see them and wanted to talk about fabric and hair and clothes and boys. We ended up spending the whole time talking about several "relations" that are going through a tough time right now. This was fine, I guess, people need to clear their minds and figure out what they can and can't do for these people. But it was so depressing! Some of the people, you feel sorry for them. They really do seem like helpless children caught in a big mean world. Other people, I just want to scream that I don't care because they get what they deserve (how Christian am I?).

I went home and cuddled with my husband and all the bad feelings started to go away. I slept okay last night and felt okay when I woke up. My hubby needed a ride home from work this morning so I went to get him. The traffic was awful. I stopped to get gas at a Maverick that was as crowded as the gift shops in Disneyland. Then I couldn't get out and turned the right way to get to his work, it was getting late and I started to worry that I'd be late for work. I was so frustrated and I WANTED to be mad and grumpy about it.

When I got to Jeff, he got in the car and was holding a very brightly multi-colored toy stuffed chicken. His sister in law works at the same place he does and she brought it for him from his mom. Apparenlty, Jeff and his OLDER brother have been fighting over this chicken for years. Jeff won it out of one of those claw grabber games at an arcade but it was on his brother's dollar so they both felt they had claims to it. On the way home, Jeff made all kinds of silly chicken jokes and gave his chicken a real big hug before making me also hug the chicken.

The other day I went grocery shopping. It was hot and I was tired and when I got to my car I was trying to hurry so fast to get the groceries in the trunk. It dawned on me so obviously that the reason I hate grocery shopping is I go and try to not spend any money or time doing it. What I need to realize is that every other week, we run out of food and this is what it costs to buy it and this is how long it takes. So just relax. It's just life. Somehow that made me feel much better. I s-l-o-w-l-y put stuff in the trunk and went home. Life's not so hard.

I'm not sure what my point in all this is. Last night I kept thinking I came to some very clear conclusions about my responsibility and my feelings about my life and everyone else's.

I think I'm just saying I've decided to be happy. Laugh at the situation. You can only do so much for people. It's okay to have your own priorities. And just slow down. Life isn't so hard. Now, go hug a chicken.