Doubting Thomas

One of my favorite classes in college was taught by a professor that seemed to really care the we learned something. He focused as much on the presentation of our assignments as he did the content. We were asked to use unlined paper, write out the entire problem (talk about "story problems!"), then divide the paper into about a two inch column on the left side to show the math and the right area was used to explain in words what steps we took and why. It was fascinating material. We solved problems about how much medicine a person should be given to keep the amount in the blood at a certain level without overdosing, how to control the spread of disease in a population, and how to maintain a given concentration level in a liguid given that so much is coming in and so much is going out. The professor also gave us the chance to re-do assignments as many times as it took to get them perfect. This was very helpful. You could receive an 85% on an assignment and be happy about it or, he would show you where you went wrong, ask questions, and help you figure out what you missed until you got it 100%.
I remember when I had this class (this will reveal the extent of my nerdom), I would spend Friday afternoons/early evenings doing homework. I'd finsh everything I could for the week, then hang out at home watching t.v. with the fam and going to bed early. It left the rest of the weekend homework free and restful.
I remember a particular assignment I worked so hard on one Friday night. I finally told myself I just had to stop. I couldn't figure out what more I needed to do. I put my stuff away and had the weekend. When Monday came around, I was nervous turning in the assignment. Even though I knew I could correct it later, I didn't want the professor to think I just wasn't getting it. I was even more nervous when the assignments were returned. I didn't want to feel dumb for what I'd missed. To my surprise, not only did I get 100%, the word "excellent" was written on the top. As he went over the assignment and answered questions for those who didn't get 100%, I realized that my work had been excellent. I had explained the steps and shown all the steps that were necessary. I think I even realized that the only reason I thought I was missing something was that it seemed too easy. I thought I had simplified it but found out it just meant that I got it.

I think of this occurence sometimes when I'm doubting myself. I may have even blogged about it before. I am very self critical even when I don't need to be.

Yesterday I had my yearly evaluation with my supervisor. I thought I'd heard that would happen, so around the time I'd been here for a year, I thought of what I might say in that meeting. What would I improve? What would I like to learn? How do I feel I'm doing? I think I did this not just to prepare what I would say, but also to prepare myself for what faults might be pointed out- if I already know what's wrong with me, it won't hurt so much when you tell me. In the meeting, my supervisor had nothing but good things to say about me. I felt a bit like he was just being nice. But as I thought about it after, he's been a supervisor, I'm sure he knows how to give "constructive feedback" if it's needed. If there was a problem with my performance, this would be the perfect time to bring it up. I guess I must be doing alright.
Today at work, I've had to fill in a bit for a couple people that have the day off. For some reason, it's made me feel better about my work. Perhaps because I feel a little more in charge so I "step up" to making sure things are being done and being done right. When these other people are here, it's not my place to check up on things so much. It's been a good experience just to see the flow of what we all do. Even to assert my "excellence."