I've been trying to keep my latest blogs on a happier note. I've been feeling calm and happy lately. So, I'm hesitant to write this blog, being in a bit of a downer mood. It would be nice though, if I can express my thoughts, to have feedback on my questions. When I talk to myself, is anyone else listening? (Haha)
How do you forgive? I guess that's the best word for it. You know how when you're mad, you say things you don't mean and later just hope you can explain to the other person where it came from or convince them you didn't mean it? I try to not do that but probably, even with my best efforts, I say things to people that make them feel bad. Sometimes, no matter how calm and in control you are with your emotions, when you try to tell someone else how you feel, it still comes out offensively.
So, if you are the one offended, how do you let it go? How do you understand that the person didn't mean to hurt you?
I have a hard time letting go. I was the kind of kid that would cry if an authority figure showed any kind of disapproval. I would feel stupid and forever try to correct my ways. If a peer (that's such a silly word, but I mean not even a friend, not even someone I associated with or cared about) said something mean or hurtful or just didn't like something about me, I would forever try to hide that about myself. And I do mean forever.
Okay, so I always talk around in circles, avoiding addressing the actual issue. I don't want to tell the actual story. It's just that last night my husband reacted annoyingly at me and I really didn't understand his reaction. To me, it was mean, uncalled for and extremely insensitive. I let him know right away that it hurt me and he was immediately apologetic. I tried all night to let it go but I was still... I was going to say cranky, but that's not the right word. It's not that I'm being mean and holding a grudge, it's that I got hurt. I had had a long hard day and I needed to just be home and one of the first things, he responded to me that way and I just wanted to... cry. I don't even see that I did anything "wrong" or to bug him. I think he was just cranky. But being that I don't see how I could have bugged him that much, I'm left feeling like it must just be me. I said something without even thinking about it, just because that's what I would say and how I would be at that moment and it bugged him. And I'm not talking a sensitive or vulnerable moment- I'm talking about making dinner. So if I can bug him that bad just by being myself, it must be ME that bugs him. And being me, I want to hide, I want to fix it, I want to change it... and suddenly I'm all on gaurd and defensive and not able to just be home and relaxed. And he's sorry and feels bad he's "just a jerk" but I can't just let it go. It should be over and done, but still, the next day, I'm feeling like he doesn't love me. How could he if he could be so bugged by something so trivial?
I ask the question, not because I'm sad today, but because there are other things, other conversations, other reactions, other moments, that still bother me. Some "fights" I can think of and they don't bother me- it's over and that was dumb. But other things, stay. I don't think I'm thinking about them, but then something will happen and I'll hear him saying whatever it was and it hurts all over. Or certain situations come up and I realize I'm reacting based on the last time we were in that situation and it should just be gone. How do I quit that?
In a way I think, well, if it still bothers you, maybe you need to talk about it. But in a way, I think I need to just get over it.
2 comments:
I would answer your qs but I have all the same ones you do...
It's been over a month since you wrote this, and I'm just reading it. Still, I feel sad that you have felt this way. Maybe it's because I remember a lot of old stuff of my own and a lot of it still stings. Some of it goes so far back, it's almost from the caveman days. It doesn't even involve anyone from this day and age, but I still don't understand these things or what was happening then. It's not something for you to be concerned about or even think about. I'm just saying that some things stay with you for a very long time. But, this is true, time heals wounds and that's the best kind of healing. You become stronger, realize what was said or whatever wasn't that important, and now, anyway, you are a whole different person. We are constantly in a state of change.
Just one word, do be careful of what you say, but don't be afraid to defend or take care of yourself as well, Sometimes, you are the only one who is watching out for you. And I think, sometime, too, other people will let themselves look more hurt than they actually are, just to maintain control over your feelings. I'm really babbling. This was a good blog, I wish we could have been discussing it in person. It's all definitely a work in progress. And things do work out.
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