Daydream Believer

I went to sleep last night visualizing myself, in video game style, shooting unhappy little thought blurs. Zap Zap Zap. Then I was, again in video game style, a little martial arts person with a big shield. I twisted and turned so artistically, bouncing the bad lazers of criticism and overwhelmingness off my shield. Silly, but it was a good visual. I had been emailing back and forth all day with my older and oh so wise sister about getting thoughts and feelings under control. This was my way of making them just disappear without having to be dragged out, looked at, felt, explored etc. It was quite helpful.

When I was a kid- probably 10-13 years old, my favorite thing to do was daydream. I was probably "too old" to play with toys so daydreaming was the only way I had to use my imagination and be in touch with what I wanted and who I was. I remember the good feelings I would get when I'd imagine growing up and doing whatever. It was exciting and reassuring and gave me a sense of myself and life.

Somehow as I zapped away thoughts, I also- almost- remembered how to dream.

One of my favorite daydreams was imagining my house and kids and husband. I would get so excited about the houses in my head, I started drawing floor plans on paper. As I got more into that, I got more into figuring out the size of things and the reality of things. Sometimes what I could see in my head, just didn't work on paper. I would make lists of my kids' names but then I started trying to figure out their ages and that I couldn't have that many that close together or something. I think this reality eventually stopped the dreaming.

Sometimes life is like that. Reality prevents it from happening outside of our head. But sometimes people tell me that if you try to figure it all out on paper, it's never going to work. Perhaps you just get into the dreams in your head and live those rather than trying to map it all out on paper?

Sometimes the reality doesn't ruin it all. Sometimes when you get to know what's really real, that's even better than you imagined, even if it is different. I'm not sure why that is, but it seems to do with it being really yours. This isn't how I always imagined it, but this is MINE, this is what I have, this is what life/God is giving me and isn't that amazing!?

Anyway, I've been dreaming the last few days. Who knows if it's possible or will work on paper etc. But, it makes me happy. It lets me know who I am.