Selfish

I have been reading "Fountainhead" by Ayn Rand and it is so thought provoking. I don't feel smart enough to talk about it but it is definitely one that needs discussion.


Last night I read a part where a guy was saying how hard it is to do what we truly want to do. He had been very successful and popular within his field but was always doing it to impress somebody. He walked away from the one or two things he ever truly wanted.


A couple other characters had quite a discussion about what it means to be selfish. One guy used an example of someone who does what everyone else expects and people think he's selfish and self absorbed because he does it all for the fame and glory of it. But, this character points out, there is no self in that. It's not an expression of him so in fact it is very self less. He kinda talked about the rightness of being selfish- of doing in fact what we want to do.


A few weeks back, I determined, again, that I want to be a teacher. It really has felt for the first time since I got out of high school like there's nothing inside holding me back- no fear, no rationalizing, no divided paths and wondering what else I could do. Today I got an email about a scholarship thing I was looking into- they'll pay people to go to school to become math teachers if they are willing to teach in rural areas, where it's hard to get people to come. It sounds perfect. I'd love to live in a small town and be a math teacher. The email said they have nothing to offer me right now. The school I've been looking into is an online thing and I get about a million emails a day from them. I finally responded to one last week asking some financial questions and I have not heard back. It's very discouraging.


But, in the last couple weeks, I also read an article on the internet about how bad it is for women to put off having babies for too long. This is not something I thought I would do. When I was sixteen, I probably thought I'd have ten kids by this age! But with the reality of it here, looking at me and my husband and where we're at, having them very soon doesn't seem even possible. The article scared me though. This was the day I looked over at Mel's blog and was happily reminded of what it is I really want to be doing. I've been thinking a lot of babies in the last week.


This makes me think of schooling- my own and teaching- and wonder if it even makes sense to take on student teaching and my first year of teaching with morning sickness. And is it wise to take on more debt right when I'd want to be quitting work to be home with the babies? Wouldn't that insure it as an impossibility-being able to be home with them? Perhaps the wise choice would be to keep plugging along at my work- we at least aren't going into MORE debt, even if the rise out is slow.


The frustrating thing is, to those of you who know me and have talked really personally with me over the years, it sounds like the same old indecisive me and I HATE that! But it FEELS so different. I don't feel like I"m making excuses or trying to out guess the future etc like I always do and it's the way I think. I feel like I'm really trying to come to some conclusions. I'm really trying to make some good, right and smart choices. And even more frustrating, as usual, is that I would even care what it looks like to anyone else- like I'm bugging people by my same old talking. And even more frustrating than that is, WHAT I WANT!


I read the book last night and I feel a stirring inside. I feel like I'm a smart person, that I can "get" what this philosophy is trying to tell me. I'm not just another run of the mill person who's going to be happy in my mundane life because I don't know any better. I AM BETTER THAN THAT! I am capable of doing exactly what I want. I'm even, despite my actions to the contrary, capable of knowing what I want. And I feel, like the book says, it's the hardest thing in the world to be truly selfish and do exactly what you want.


And then there's this other person. The love of my life, my best friend, the guy I want to spend my whole life and forever with and share everything with. Falling in love was so easy. Getting married and committing myself to him was so easy. But now what? And how do we make OUR life out of his and mine? I sometimes find myself afraid of talking about what I want with him, because if he says no, it almost feels more definite than if God says it. I don't want to be afraid of him. I don't want to hold back because of all my stupid insecurities. But that's not really the point... It's just that it's not just me anymore. There are two of us and more to come and how do I assert myself, something I've never been capable of anyway, and take into account all that he is? I can't go to Alaska and raise sled dogs if he's allergic to snow.