My mother has said that she is a completely different person now than she was twenty years ago. We change as we grow through life. Sure, we may basically be the same person- morals, values, whatever. Even the same personality. My mother, to me, is the same as she's been my whole life. But maybe that's not HER, that's our relationship.
Anyway, I just wonder why I worry so much about planning everything exactly right, when I know it's all going to be different anyway. Even who I am. I'm a lot different than I was five or ten years ago and definitely different than I was in high school. I feel like I'm trying to make decisions and plans now to last my whole life, when really, when I get there, it's going to be... who knows what?
So probably the wisest thing is to look at where I am. What needs to happen at this time in my life? What is happening and what should I enjoy and do and be? It's always good to look forward and be aware of the future, plan ahead a bit. But I do get too caught up, TOO FAR AHEAD of myself.
Sometimes I kind of wish I wasn't a smart person. I don't often feel smart, but I feel labeled that way. Maybe it would be nice to not have a college degree I feel compelled to live up to. Maybe it would be nice to realize that I'll never make more money than x-dollars so I don't have to worry about it. I don't have to feel like I HAVE to. I always feel like I need to be doing more, that where I'm at isn't enough, that I have to have all the answers and not make any mistakes.
4 comments:
I also hate getting trapped into labels. Like if you're "smart" and you don't know something, heaven forbid. Or I dress down and people ask me if I'm okay.
Can't I ever change my mind?
But I never want to think I can only have an income within this tax bracket, or I can only wear heels. Isn't it the same thing?
I'm just playing catchup on reading everyone's blogs. I think we do change over the years, but in a lot of ways we create ourselves over the years. It is our choices that end up making us who we are. In that regard, we should look to do what makes us happy, but not worry so much about our future selfs. That is still largely up to us, so start choosing today who you want to be in 10, 15, 20 years and run with it. Don't second guess your future self. People who wake up at age 40 or 50 or 60 and say they're disappointed with where they are in life didn't wake up and say that because their personalities changed overnight. It's generally because they realize they've been creating this person all along and, dagnabit, they NEVER wanted to be this person.
We can all attest to the fact that we change a lot over the years, but what we need to remember is an even more important notion: we change ourselves a lot over the years.
All of you seem to really have it right here. The Damsel is right...it is difficult to change because you feel like people are always watching you. But, eh!, so what?? And Ben is right on the mark...I've been aware of myself from time to time and I don't like how it's all turned out...dagnabit!! But a lot is okay, too. Believe me, if I could be smart, I wouldn't complain. Anyway, jak, you're smart enough to know what you're doing and how to relate to that. Who you are is wonderful. That will always be true. Live up to your own expectations. That should be all you have to worry about now.
P>S> Am I preachy today, or what??
i guess i shouldn't be popping through all your stuff here. it's just been so long since ive been able to talk to you. i want to give you like 300 pep talks and let you know that i'm proud of what you're doing and i am at how you're doing (judging by what you've written). it's okay. we should talk because i went through similiar crap over the last year or whatever. trying to take a real look at the things you've done and the mistakes you've made kind of thing. the things you've done. how you got where you are (whether you're happy or not) and the stuff you were saying in your blogs. i just, i understand what you're saying.
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