Last night I lay in bed going through all the things I don't admit about myself. Things that have happened, thoughts that I've had, things that I've done. I'm not an honest person with myself. I would argue that honest is a bit heavy of a word, it's more like I'm censored- even in my own thoughts and views of myself. I'm always trying to do the right thing, think the right way, say the right thing in the right way.
At first it was too uncomfortable to look at some things- I wanted to pray, "can't you just change it? make it so it never happened?" But then I found myself saying, no. Look at it. This is you, this is your life, just own it.
I don't mean to sound melodramatic or like I have these big secrets I'm hiding (see, here I go, explaining myself, editing, "it's not so bad"- but it's really not). But this felt like a life changing moment to me. No more hiding. No more faking it. No more appearances.
I started to think of how I was in high school, the things I did and didn't do. I realize that I was trying to be invisible. Even the ways I chose to step into my own sort of spotlight, were, in a sense, calculated to hide me. Get the good grades, hang with the right people, take a chance and join the club. Still just hiding.
I thought of who my husband is to me, what he does for me and imagined what it would have been like if I would have dated him in high school, if I would have had that friend. Things would have been different. I would have been different.
My mom has told me that you can go back and in your mind reset an event, change what happened in your mind, act it out the way you wish it would have happened, in order to change your perception of it. This kind of happened last night. By thinking of having someone there for me, someone that made it safe to admit everything that was around me and in me and I was going through, and seeing that I could have been different, made it feel possible to be different now. And the thing is, it's not different like change yourself and get a make over. It's different as in now I can be real. Now I don't have to be "different" than who I am.
3 comments:
I don't what to say to this. I just feel like crying. I'm so thankful you have Jeff.
i have kindof read through your blogs and they have a common thing i decided i'm going to comment on.
1) intelligence isnt based on how many big words you know. It's based on being able to communicate with anyone on any level. also the more one knows, the more one realizes they don't know dick. so questioning your intellegence is actually a sign of intelligence. i have to admit i do understand and at times would like to be more stupid and clueless. those people may not be happy and may screw things up but they don't really care cause they can't see it all, you know what i mean.
anyway 2) try not to think so much. koast the wave. just because you're on the island doesn't mean you don't have to climb a tree every once and a while.
I remember someone saying once that it made her mad that dumb people don't realize how dumb they are. Hmmmmm..it's that mean bunny talking, isn't it?
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