Forgiveness and Change

I will try to keep this vague on purpose and hope it still makes sense. In the last few days, I have had an encounter with an old friend. This particular friend has hurt me in the past in a way that's hard to explain to other people. A lot of trust has been injured in me and it affects a lot of current and future relationships with other people as well as with myself. In the past, I thought I had forgiven this person- several times actually- and let things go. I thought I could be a grown up enough to deal with the scars that were left and smart enough to overcome the effects they have.
Recently however, there were a series of events that brought out the old wounds worse than ever. It's like someone ripping the scar right off your skin and pouring salt into the open wound. Trying to be vague, I'll leave it at that but wanting to explain myself (I'm as clear as mud?) I'll say, yes, it was that bad. I have felt very defensive and vowed to never see this person again or have anything to do with them.
However, that was not a possibility. My most recent encounter was a happy occassion. I didn't want to think about all the hurt and I can be pretty good at denial, so I ignored a lot of things and just enjoyed the rest of what was going on. What happened though surprised me. I jokingly told this person about something stupid they'd done- nothing to do with the big bad pain- and they looked sincerely sorry for it. This was no big deal at all, just playful teasing in a fitting moment. Because of all that was going on, I felt like I don't want to have hate and hurt for this person. It's too tiring to hold onto the conviction to protect myself from past hurt by avoiding any contact or awareness of this person. I felt myself wanting to be involved with this person.
Later, thinking about all this, it popped into my head without any permission of mine, "but is it okay to forgive all that happened?" This is not as cold hearted as it sounds. I've read the conference talks and had the Sunday school lessons and I know why it's important to forgive and I HAVE wanted that. What this thought was asking was, is it okay to not explain to people- important people, aquaintances, everybody!- why I am the way I am? Is it okay to let go of the pain and not worry about the scars that I think everyone sees? Is it okay to stop reacting the way I do trying to hide my injuries and weaknesses? Is it okay if not everyone knows my secret? I think what I'm trying to say is, can I be a whole person without wearing my injuries on the outside... like, is it honest or something?

Anyway... I'm not sure how/if this fits but it's also on my mind. My mom and siblings threw a big 4th of July barbeque party yesterday. I was excited; I like celebrating things. I was also a bit apprehensive because my hubby is not one to go out and play and socialize (just so you know, that's usually a good thing and we get along great with it) and I wasn't sure how the day would go with him. And, he had to work at midnight so I didn't know when he would need to be sleeping (he usually just doesn't). A few days before the party my mom was telling me all the people who would be there- a whole bunch of new people and friends of people I don't know. This also brought out my apprehension.
Both my siblings went through an unexpected divorce in the last year. Perhaps it's selfish, but it's been hard on me too. I feel like I lost two sisters... I did lose two sisters! It's been 12 or 15 years that I've spent loving these people, accepting them as family and building relationships. As my mom told me about all the new people that would be coming, I got very upset. I felt like I don't want to go either, I'll just stay home with Jeff. I don't want to feel awkward in my own home and not know people and be expected to just accept them as family just because someone else likes them.
I know that sounds horrible. I guess I'm more hard hearted than I like to think I am, but hopefully you'll see that it's because I've felt hurt. While I was getting ready for the day, for some reason I thought of my brother's dogs which made me wonder if my sister would be bringing her wife's dog... I was so sad to remember that he had died and even sadder to remember that they're divorced and her wife wouldn't be there either. Mind you, neither of my "sisters" were at my wedding and that was sad too. But anyway...
I did go to the family party. Jamesy and Khrystine went to the store with me and I was SO incredibly happy. I was dancing and singing down the aisle just to have their company. And the BBQ itself was great. My sister's new girlfriend is SO wonderful. I DO love her and feel like she's family. All their friends were great and fun to have around. And my brother's new girlfriend and all her kids, I have to admit I was very nervous about. It's like I don't want to replace my old sister in law and neice and nephews... but you know what? I felt love for them too. Her kids are adorable- ALL of them. One of them looks and acts so much like my husband it's crazy. It was so fun to talk to him, it was like knowing what my sons will be like. And the little ones called my mom grandma and it wasn't even weird. The daughter is deaf and I wanted so much to talk to her, I just didn't know how.

So, I guess life goes on. Things change. You get hurt. And I guess it is okay to let go of it and move on and love people. It's so scary somehow. It's like instead of that giving me peace and letting me know it's okay, I'm more afraid than ever. New people to hurt and be hurt by and lose... or new people to love and take care of? I guess it's a two edged sword and that's life and that's a good thing.