The Question for the Last 12 Years

My whole life, I wanted to be a teacher. My first grade teacher was so pretty and so kind. She wore shoes that clicked on the hallway floors and she'd roll the chalk between her hands so it clinked on her rings. She gave us the chance to earn prizes and one I got was a red pen.

In third grade, our teacher had the back of the room divided into centers. She had short book cases forming a little library. She had roll around chalkboards and tables forming a study center. I loved writing on the chalkboards.

In fifth grade I made a model (what do they call those? Is that what a panorama is?) of Kelsey's Art Studio, complete with the name written on graph paper tiled floor and toothpick easles.

By ninth grade I was falling in love with math and my high school math teacher (I had him all four years) was so good for me. I had friends who didn't like the way he taught, but he encouraged me. In 11th grade I was the only girl in the class and he would make comments on me doing the best or scholarships for women in mathematics.

By the time I graduated from high school, I felt like college was a career path. That's all anyone told me it was. I wanted to be a teacher, but even more so, I wanted to be a mother. In this culture, it wasn't strange for me to believe, and hope, that my next big step would be marriage and if I didn't have kids by the time I was 22, it would be too late.

I delayed college for a while and when I finally started, I had my altruistic views in place (is that the right use of that word?) I was going to college for the love of learning and to better myself. That's exactly what college was. When it came time to REALLY choose my major, I was back to math, never really having left it. I had two options. I could be a teaching major who specialized in math or I could be a math major. Taking the teaching road ultimately felt divided. I couldn't really focus on math and get a solid foundation. I wanted the challenge of really doing mathematics, where the starting off point is Calculus, a subject most find the epitome of nerdom and above and beyond all. So that's what I did.

It was the greatest thing in my life. I know that sounds kind of selfish or heartless, being that I'm now married and pride myself on my involvement with three amazing kids. But the thing is, I wouldn't be who I was today without my college experiences. I wouldn't be confident enough to love another person had I not grown into myself.

After graduating, I was sad to discover that the teaching thing would require another two years of schooling. It felt like, career wise, I hadn't accomplished enough even after my greatest achievement. Besides that, the education department was a mess and couldn't even tell me what to do AND I'd had a unique opportunity in college to do a great deal of "teaching." Didn't that mean anything?

Eventually, I found a job teaching at a career college. It was a success. I quickly moved into teaching ALL the math classes and even had students refusing to take math unless they could take it from me. And, as fate would have it, this is where I met my husband. I often complained about different aspects of my job and dealing with different people. But over all, I liked it. I "blossomed." (Just had to throw in a silly thing as I feel like I'm tooting my own horn a lot here).

I put in a good four years. Unfortunately, the type of school this was meant constant changes. Every year, give or take a few months, we had new administration- ie, I had a new boss. Finally one came that didn't see a need for the math classes. One class I taught was a pre-requisite for the required course. This guy decided there was no point in that, even though I would guess 95% of the students needed the course. He also decided we didn't need to offer as many options for times. In the end, there were two classes offered. I was out of a job.

Last year was a rough year as far as jobs and finances for me. I just couldn't find what to do next. I spent the summer working at a day care because I thought it would at least keep me going with the teaching/giving thing. It was a horrible, defeating experience. Finally I found the job I'm at, with a little help with familial connections, and I've settled. I can pay the bills, I feel okay going to work everyday, and life goes on. It's been a good job for not stressing and allowing me flexibility to plan weddings and get and be married.

But lately, the wheels are turning again.

It's the same struggle I've had since I was 18. I want to be a mom but in the mean time, do I have the courage to be a teacher? I miss knowing what I'm talking about. I miss the joy of explaining hard mathematical concepts and having people finally grasp them. I miss my shoes clacking in the hallway, red pens grading papers, and writing on the board. I miss caring whether people pass or fail, what their ultimate goals are, and how they feel not just about the subject, but about themselves and their schooling and life.

I've thought lately that it would be responsible of me to get licensed to teach. I don't want to work when I have kids, but if I had to... or later on... or... Teaching is a good mom job. One thing that has made me hesitate before is that even having one other person in my life is emotionally a lot to give to. Teaching isn't just a job, it's a title and a position; perhaps teaching would be too emotionally draining to be a wife and a mother too. But then there's holidays and summer vacation... teaching would allow me to be home with the kids. And when they are older, I would have the same schedule as they do. I think a 15 year old needs just as much or more for his mother to be there when he comes home or has a day off. Someone for him to check in to.

The other night things were bouncing around my head like crazy. It started out good- thinking of possibilities, but pretty soon was overwhelming. Finally I said, well just pretend! and those words helped so much. I pretended I was teacher, not thinking of all the obstacles and what ifs. I imagined it like I always have and felt excited. The last couple weeks, I've wanted it like I haven't wanted it since I was 16- with possibility and excitement and hope.

It's hard not to have my fears and reservations about it too. But I asked my sister in law, who's done the teaching thing, if I should just get over those or if they would be my downfall. She so goodly said, just do it. It doesn't have to be forever.

This got me thinking. Perhaps I could do it now for only a year or two before I start having babies. Maybe that would be all I would do. Maybe I'd go through the stuff to get licensed and not use it for another 10 or 15 years because I'd be home with the kids. But whatever happens, I'd have it. It would be a smart choice. I usually don't think that way. I usually think of everything in one jumbled mess trying to see the whole grand plan.

And I've wanted it.