Breathing

Yesterday someone told me about a guy she'd met who was 32 and in a wheel chair. I'm not sure the extent of his condition, but he was injured in a snow boarding accident a few years ago. The doctors told him he wouldn't live to see 30. He figures he only has a few years left.

I can't imagine being in a situation like that. I know it sounds cliche, but what would I do if I only had a few years left to live? I have before found direction when thinking of looking back on my life- what will I wish I had done?- rather than trying to figure out what I want to do.

To me, it's not a care free feeling. I know some people would think of throwing caution to the wind because what do you have to lose? But for me it's a different sort of caution that gets lifted. It's more like an urgency to do the things I've dreamed of but haven't done yet. And in that way, my fears are dissipated because the want out weighs them. I guess it puts things in perspective.

I tend to look a lot at the future; so much so, I have a hard time being happy because even if I'm content in the now, I know I want things to be different later. I worry so much about how to get from here to there, I don't relax and enjoy where I'm at.

I've been feeling a lot of that lately. I'm newly married, we love our new apartment, we both have jobs we're happy with. Aah, a chance to catch my breath? Not for this worry wart! But what about... and what if...?! And a year or two from now? I want things to not be the same. It's not that now is bad, it's just not permanent. And for me, that means, "well let's get on with it then!"

Another problem I have is whenever anyone else is involved, I sit back and wait for them to tell me what to do. I'm not going to jump in and be the leader. In my marriage this means I wait for him to decide things. It's not like I don't talk or say what I want or we don't communicate. It's more like... instead of me saying this is what I want and this is what we're going to do or even this is what has to be done, I wait for it to be his idea or something. It's not the relationship- it's my personality. The way I've been trained or something. What's even worse is that it goes deep inside myself. I'm so busy waiting for the other person to tell me what's going on, I don't even tell myself what I want!

I really felt, a year ago, that I had come so far and I was going to be great in a relationship. But here I am, my same old self, and I suck at it!

Perhaps the problem with my job is that I just don't fit in. Business setting, newspapers- I really don't care that much about it. It's a good job, low key- what I wanted was just something I could go to and not make my life and just do my thing without dealing much with other people everyday. That's what I've got. But maybe it's too safe that way, and too much of a stretch in the other- being professional and business like etc. In a way, I feel stupid all the time, like I'll never get it all straight because there's so much people don't tell me. On the other side, I feel like it's too easy and I'm not doing enough. It's one of those things that's fine and good for now, but five years from now? I want to be somewhere different, so I get anxious.

Yesterday was a dumb day at work. Just dumb little things that made me feel stupid and unsure of myself. In my logical mind, I know everybody has bad days and makes mistakes and has to ask questions etc. But emotionally? I'm all a wreck. I can't tell you how flustered and down on myself I was feeling by the time I left. But the point is, at one point, I felt so fed up with the way I was reacting. I just screamed inside myself "I'M TIRED OF FEELING STUPID!" Not like a pity myself way, but in a I don't have to put up with this way. All this junk, it's all inside of me. Just like they've said all along- you have to change yourself, no one can MAKE you feel anything, etc etc etc.

Dumb example. On the t.v. show Scrubs, Elliot was called Dr. Barbie and people kept telling her, as they're taking advantage of it, what a push over she was. She didn't stick up for herself, she didn't assert herself- to the point that she wasn't doing as well in her work as she was smart enough to do. Finally the janitor told her something like " time spent wishing is just time spent not doing it." She takes it to heart, goes out and chops off her hair into some edgy, kinda rebellious style, puts on all this make-up and comes back to work the next day and starts telling people off and sticking up for herself. She really was no less sweet, no more capable; it was just her attitude. She made the change and let everyone else deal with it.

It looked so easy, but every day since, I've been wishing for a moment like that. For a few days it helped. Sometimes the hardest thing about changing is the change; people expect me to be one way and if I was different, they wouldn't know how to respond and I'd feel stupid. For a few days I was able to not care. That's the point of changing! I don't care what you all think. But then life goes on and you get back to the same self you've always been. I don't know how to be any different than who I am, even if I feel like what's on the outside isn't really what's on the inside.

It's sad that so much of my life has been spent feeling like I"m a different person on the outside than who I am on the inside. I had it all together, I just need to get a grip on it again. Big changes, just adjusting. What I need is a five, ten, twenty year plan- to see my life stretched out rather than restricted to today at work and what's for dinner etc. I just need to breathe...