Kiki- you may not want to read this. OR! tell me what you think, but don't get defensive.
Last night Jane was flipping channels and came across a "reality" show about the next super model. Out of curiosity she watched for only a few minutes, but it was a life changing event. Literally hundreds of girls one by one entered a room to meet the dozen or two judges, presumably presenting their portfolios. On a screen came a slide show of photo shoots of the girl. Many were immodest, to say the least. These were YOUNG girls, I'd be surprised if they were older than sixteen, so skinny their arms looked like twigs. And there was something very unsettling about watching this for Jane. The girls WERE pretty and confident and their is nothing wrong with being skinny even though Jane, in her own insecurity, often sounds critical. But there was something wrong with the fact that this seemed very much to be ALL that these girls were being given to aspire to: Being skinny and pretty and revealing flesh. Not only that, they are setting the standard for beauty for all women. These were girls coming from all over the world to New York, because that was the epitome of the fashion and beauty industry.
What happens when these girls mature? What if they develop breasts and hips? What if they get a wrinkle? What if they want to go to college and develop their mind and or other talents? Will they have the time? Will they have the confidence to age gracefully? It scared Jane.
Not just for the girls, which honestly was a good part of it. But also for herself. How many times does Jane go to the gym with a picture of these fashion models in mind as motivation? Not that she believes she will look like them, but as an ideal. Where does Jane turn when she's looking for a new style or way of doing her make up? And this soap box is different. Somehow in the few minutes she watched this show, Jane's window of belief changed. It's NOT right to glamorize this ideal so much. Fashion magazines and catalogs and advertisements- fine, it's the world we live in. But there is something subtly wrong with it's enticement. The devil can't get to everyone with big huge sins. But he can get to us with self doubts, immodesty, the desire to be beautiful and accepted and desirable.
Saturday, December 31, 2005
Saturday, December 24, 2005
Tell me all your thoughts on God
I have been thinking lately what it means to be favored of the Lord. In reading the Christmas story in the Bible, Mary is said to be highly favored among women. What a wonderful blessing, but also a great responsibility. Obviously we are not going to fulfill any mission like she did. But, what does God want of us in this day and age. If He were to say to someone in our time that they were highly favored, what do you imagine that person would be like? What would she (or he) be doing and accomplishing? And again, even if we are not destined for anything so great, what are we destined for? What can we do to serve Him? Not just worship on Sunday etc, but really and truly give our lives to Him?
Sometimes I imagine what it would mean to really be a servant of God and I imagine the nuns who vow to celibacy and serving others. Or the prophets who lead the church. Great missionaries of all faiths going to foreign lands and serving and teaching. Other times, I imagine that the little bit of heaven we can bring to earth simply by being parents and good neighbors and plating flowers is what will really make the world a better place. But is that really enough?
Jane is going through a job change right now. The school she teaches at is no longer offering one of the classes she teaches and not as many of the other one. She can't support herself on this. It could be as simple as finding a new job, but, being Jane, it feels bigger, more life changing. As she seeks for her next step in life and where she will go next, she wonders about things like fate and destiny and divine intervention.
Sometimes I imagine what it would mean to really be a servant of God and I imagine the nuns who vow to celibacy and serving others. Or the prophets who lead the church. Great missionaries of all faiths going to foreign lands and serving and teaching. Other times, I imagine that the little bit of heaven we can bring to earth simply by being parents and good neighbors and plating flowers is what will really make the world a better place. But is that really enough?
Jane is going through a job change right now. The school she teaches at is no longer offering one of the classes she teaches and not as many of the other one. She can't support herself on this. It could be as simple as finding a new job, but, being Jane, it feels bigger, more life changing. As she seeks for her next step in life and where she will go next, she wonders about things like fate and destiny and divine intervention.
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Dedicated to Glockster ;)
Jane had short hair through most of college. Not dumb short hair; fun and spunky and flattering short hair that she kept really blonde. Somehow it gave her the confidence to assert herself enough to get through it all. It was a statement: THIS IS ME!!! and she loved it.
Over the past few years, Jane has grown out her hair. When it's layered, it has great natural curl. It also bleaches nicely on it's own in the sun. Jane's allergic to most hair products- they burn holes in her skin- so she makes her own hair gel. All it takes to do her hair is scrunching it with gel and blowing it dry. In the summer, it can even air dry. It's a bit big and wild and untamed.
Jane recently trimmed her hair to get rid of the dry ends. It is now one length and doesn't curl quite the same. It's back to it's natural dark honey blonde color and falls nice and softly. It is very healthy. But it's a bit boring. So she cut bangs. Better, but yesterday Jane did her hair- blew it dry straight using several eye burning hair products and she looks good, but something's missing. It's smooth, but threatening to frizz. If you look closely you can see it aching to curl and be big and untamed.
It's like her personality. Jane tries to keep it conservative but the products burn her eyes and skin and the curl is aching to get out...
I think it's time for a haircut.
Over the past few years, Jane has grown out her hair. When it's layered, it has great natural curl. It also bleaches nicely on it's own in the sun. Jane's allergic to most hair products- they burn holes in her skin- so she makes her own hair gel. All it takes to do her hair is scrunching it with gel and blowing it dry. In the summer, it can even air dry. It's a bit big and wild and untamed.
Jane recently trimmed her hair to get rid of the dry ends. It is now one length and doesn't curl quite the same. It's back to it's natural dark honey blonde color and falls nice and softly. It is very healthy. But it's a bit boring. So she cut bangs. Better, but yesterday Jane did her hair- blew it dry straight using several eye burning hair products and she looks good, but something's missing. It's smooth, but threatening to frizz. If you look closely you can see it aching to curl and be big and untamed.
It's like her personality. Jane tries to keep it conservative but the products burn her eyes and skin and the curl is aching to get out...
I think it's time for a haircut.
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Karma Chameleon
As a child, Jane thought of herself as a bit of a tomboy. While she loved baby dolls and Barbie and had a really cool pair of pink courdoroy shoes and sweatshirts with hearts on them, she also loved baseball and playing kickball. She was afraid of the tricky bars, had more boy friends than girls, and liked dressing up for Halloween as a beat up football player or karate kid just as much as she did the princess.
When Jane hit junior high she suddenly was afraid of boys which weren't just the boys from elementary school, they were supposed to be "guys." A "boyfriend" wasn't someone you shared your lunch and walked home with, but someone whose hand you held and might even kiss him! There were suddenly rules for being socially accepted- how you dressed and talked and acted. Like a lot of 12 year old girls, Jane was disoriented and unsure of herself in her new surroundings.
Jane survived! and actually quite well. She even had FUN in high school. I don't want to make her out to be some nerdy wall flower with no self-esteem. But self-esteem was a hard issue for her. She'd figured out the junior high rules and knew how to fit in. But maybe that's not SUCH a good thing. Like a chameleon adapting to it's environment. Sure it's safe, but it has no true color.
In high school, Jane wore a lot of men's clothes. She was kind of chubby so they fit better. She was embarrassed about her body so they hid that. But what it honestly probably came down to? Jane liked them. To her, there was something very feminine about a good pair of jeans and a stylish men's button up shirt. To quote Shania, "man's shirt, short skirt, uh wo-oh-oh... man, I feel like a woman."
Once Jane started college and, she would say, "got some self esteem" the men's clothes got weeded out of her wardrobe. She wears skirts and very feminine tops to work almost everyday. She can't stand the suit look and feels very sloppy in a baggy t-shirt and work out pants. But lately...
Jane has really needed to reconnect with that ten year old "tom boy." The one that wore pink shoes and gave the boys a good run for their money in the recess soccer game. She doesn't want to go back to the baggy men's clothes. Jane very much believes in the feminine qualities of being a woman. But where is that child? What could/would she have added to Jane if she didn't get lost in the halls of junior high? How can Jane give her a voice?
When Jane hit junior high she suddenly was afraid of boys which weren't just the boys from elementary school, they were supposed to be "guys." A "boyfriend" wasn't someone you shared your lunch and walked home with, but someone whose hand you held and might even kiss him! There were suddenly rules for being socially accepted- how you dressed and talked and acted. Like a lot of 12 year old girls, Jane was disoriented and unsure of herself in her new surroundings.
Jane survived! and actually quite well. She even had FUN in high school. I don't want to make her out to be some nerdy wall flower with no self-esteem. But self-esteem was a hard issue for her. She'd figured out the junior high rules and knew how to fit in. But maybe that's not SUCH a good thing. Like a chameleon adapting to it's environment. Sure it's safe, but it has no true color.
In high school, Jane wore a lot of men's clothes. She was kind of chubby so they fit better. She was embarrassed about her body so they hid that. But what it honestly probably came down to? Jane liked them. To her, there was something very feminine about a good pair of jeans and a stylish men's button up shirt. To quote Shania, "man's shirt, short skirt, uh wo-oh-oh... man, I feel like a woman."
Once Jane started college and, she would say, "got some self esteem" the men's clothes got weeded out of her wardrobe. She wears skirts and very feminine tops to work almost everyday. She can't stand the suit look and feels very sloppy in a baggy t-shirt and work out pants. But lately...
Jane has really needed to reconnect with that ten year old "tom boy." The one that wore pink shoes and gave the boys a good run for their money in the recess soccer game. She doesn't want to go back to the baggy men's clothes. Jane very much believes in the feminine qualities of being a woman. But where is that child? What could/would she have added to Jane if she didn't get lost in the halls of junior high? How can Jane give her a voice?
Friday, November 18, 2005
Jane the Sociologist
I've heard and read that men are afraid of committment. The more life goes on, the more I disbelief generalities like that. Every person you meet is different. I do however enjoy the kind of sociological look at the genders, people in different stages of life, different races, cultures, psychologies, etc. So, in that regard, here's my "I'm gonna write a brilliant book someday" idea.
Men are not afraid of commitment. They're afraid of rejection. Men DO fall in love at first sight and while we tend to think they think and feel with things besides their mind and hearts, their feelings run deeper than we give them credit for. Unfortunately, society says, boys don't cry. So, not only do they have a lot to lose when they DO feel love etc, but they don't always have a socially acceptable outlet for their feelings. What appears to be fear of commitment is really just caution that if they get into it, they will have more to lose. So when we as women insist on it and are ready to jump right in, and they hesitate, we freak out. And they see exactly what they are afraid of. Someone they are trying to be a knight in shining armor for threatening to leave if they can't give her what she wants. Then they definitely don't want to commit because it's not a safe place to be.
We are taught to see men as big, strong, brave creatures. We don't often see them as gentle, feeling, thinking human beings. Isn't that sad? That's why I like men at church- they seem more demonstrative of affection with each other, they cry over spiritual things, they seem better able to express what I've always believed to be in there. Maybe, without hurting their pride and male ego, men really need women to treat them like puppy dogs. Respect their bark, feed them, play with them, pet them, and they will be yours forever. Kick them and they'll fear and never trust you.
Does anyone out there believe in seeing men not as jerks who will hurt you and just want one thing when it comes to dating and that you have to "trick" into a relationship, but as good people who feel and think and experience life a lot like we think we do?
Men are not afraid of commitment. They're afraid of rejection. Men DO fall in love at first sight and while we tend to think they think and feel with things besides their mind and hearts, their feelings run deeper than we give them credit for. Unfortunately, society says, boys don't cry. So, not only do they have a lot to lose when they DO feel love etc, but they don't always have a socially acceptable outlet for their feelings. What appears to be fear of commitment is really just caution that if they get into it, they will have more to lose. So when we as women insist on it and are ready to jump right in, and they hesitate, we freak out. And they see exactly what they are afraid of. Someone they are trying to be a knight in shining armor for threatening to leave if they can't give her what she wants. Then they definitely don't want to commit because it's not a safe place to be.
We are taught to see men as big, strong, brave creatures. We don't often see them as gentle, feeling, thinking human beings. Isn't that sad? That's why I like men at church- they seem more demonstrative of affection with each other, they cry over spiritual things, they seem better able to express what I've always believed to be in there. Maybe, without hurting their pride and male ego, men really need women to treat them like puppy dogs. Respect their bark, feed them, play with them, pet them, and they will be yours forever. Kick them and they'll fear and never trust you.
Does anyone out there believe in seeing men not as jerks who will hurt you and just want one thing when it comes to dating and that you have to "trick" into a relationship, but as good people who feel and think and experience life a lot like we think we do?
Thursday, November 10, 2005
Give your love away
I never realized before that being shy and afraid to love someone is rude and selfish- to say the least. Jane's always been afraid of giving herself- she doesn't want to bother the other person, she's felt annoying and so much like she had nothing to offer that people would DISlike it if she tried to give what she did have. She thought this was sadly directed inward and only hurt herself.
But imagine if you were Jane's friend or parent or sibling or date and all you wanted to do is love her but she doesn't lover herself enough to let you. If you wanted to make her laugh but she's too embarrassed by the sound of her own voice to reward you with it. She feels too goofy to relax and have fun with you.
When Jane loves someone...
some of the greatest things in the world are when her neice talks about school and boys, when her sister in law laughs at her funnies, when the guy she likes holds her hand, when her mom spends the afternoon in conversation with her. But Jane has been too afraid to give these things back. People would be bored by her stories, she doesn't want to take your time, or bother yo with the touch of her hand.
HOW RIDICULOUS!!!!
Saying this, I dont' even feel the fear and self disapproval. It doesn't make sense!!! It makes me want to laugh and sing. It's not nice to assume you don't like me? Who'd-a-thunk it!?
But imagine if you were Jane's friend or parent or sibling or date and all you wanted to do is love her but she doesn't lover herself enough to let you. If you wanted to make her laugh but she's too embarrassed by the sound of her own voice to reward you with it. She feels too goofy to relax and have fun with you.
When Jane loves someone...
some of the greatest things in the world are when her neice talks about school and boys, when her sister in law laughs at her funnies, when the guy she likes holds her hand, when her mom spends the afternoon in conversation with her. But Jane has been too afraid to give these things back. People would be bored by her stories, she doesn't want to take your time, or bother yo with the touch of her hand.
HOW RIDICULOUS!!!!
Saying this, I dont' even feel the fear and self disapproval. It doesn't make sense!!! It makes me want to laugh and sing. It's not nice to assume you don't like me? Who'd-a-thunk it!?
Saturday, October 22, 2005
Ode to Benj-a-Mel
Jane's baby brother got married last Thursday to a most wonderful girl. They are the most adorable couple ever. They have been positively glowing for the last three weeks in preparation of their special day. It's truly an inspiring thing to watch and be a part of in some small way.
Jane has seen a lot of dicouraging things in her life, not to be melodramatic. But it's nice to see such happiness and hope and doing things the right way. Jane is inspired to follow their example and again believe that things can be good.
She just wishes she were more poetic in expressing all this...
I love you two!
Jane has seen a lot of dicouraging things in her life, not to be melodramatic. But it's nice to see such happiness and hope and doing things the right way. Jane is inspired to follow their example and again believe that things can be good.
She just wishes she were more poetic in expressing all this...
I love you two!
Friday, October 14, 2005
Making it Right
Jane is always (sometimes overly) concerned about "choosing the right." The song says "there's a right and a wrong to every question." Jane's not sure that it's always so black and white. Even more confusing, sometimes what seems to be logically the right/best choice, is not what the rules would say is right.
Even the scriptures have examples of exceptions. Thou shalt not kill but David killed Goliath and others were commanded to kill to serve God's purposes. Thou shalt not steal, but the Israelites took all they could from the Egyptians when they were freed because all is God's and He will provide.
In our lives? What if a couple wants to get divorced? Let's even throw out the not so simplistic reasons of they just don't love each other anymore or don't get along well and say it's for big reasons like one of them cheated or is an alcoholic or committed a big crime. Divorce isn't right and we're taught that people give up too eaily. But, especially in cases like these, wouldn't one, if not both, be better off and better able to progress and do right things if they split?
What about a couple before marriage who are so in love they have a hard time keeping their morals in check? Jane belongs to a church that teaches that almost any physical relationship is wrong before marriage. In fact, if a couple truly loves each other, they wouldn't want to "hurt" each other by doing those things. (This seems a bit contrary to nature- like you'd want to do those things with someone you don't love?! But anyway...) It almost seems like the "right thing" in order to follow the rulse would be for the two people to stay away from each other and run from the temptation. Wouldn't this just bring about a lot of running and not getting anywhere?
It seems to Jane that if the real goal is love and marriage, running away is not the answer. Perhaps the "right" thing is for the couple to do the best they can and work toward loving each other and getting married and then these things, in a sense, will fix themselves.
The church does say that if a couple gets pregnant before marriage the first choice, if possible, to make it right is for the couuple to get married. Why is that? It seems to Jane that if whay they did was a sin, the first choice would be to place the child for adoption and probably the couple should break up- maybe as retribution or to avoid further sin or something.
That there could be the point. Perhaps repentance isn't about being punished for our sins, but about following through with our choices and making things right. There probably isn't a right and wrond to every questions, but a whole lot of shades of gray in between.
In reading scriptures lately, Jane has encountered a lot that basically says God is in control, don't forget Him, and let Him be in your life. Perhaps this isn't about fate/destiny and God controlling you like a chess game. Perhaps it's so He can help you distinguish all the gray areas and make the most out of whichever shade you choose.
Life suddenly got very complicated.
Even the scriptures have examples of exceptions. Thou shalt not kill but David killed Goliath and others were commanded to kill to serve God's purposes. Thou shalt not steal, but the Israelites took all they could from the Egyptians when they were freed because all is God's and He will provide.
In our lives? What if a couple wants to get divorced? Let's even throw out the not so simplistic reasons of they just don't love each other anymore or don't get along well and say it's for big reasons like one of them cheated or is an alcoholic or committed a big crime. Divorce isn't right and we're taught that people give up too eaily. But, especially in cases like these, wouldn't one, if not both, be better off and better able to progress and do right things if they split?
What about a couple before marriage who are so in love they have a hard time keeping their morals in check? Jane belongs to a church that teaches that almost any physical relationship is wrong before marriage. In fact, if a couple truly loves each other, they wouldn't want to "hurt" each other by doing those things. (This seems a bit contrary to nature- like you'd want to do those things with someone you don't love?! But anyway...) It almost seems like the "right thing" in order to follow the rulse would be for the two people to stay away from each other and run from the temptation. Wouldn't this just bring about a lot of running and not getting anywhere?
It seems to Jane that if the real goal is love and marriage, running away is not the answer. Perhaps the "right" thing is for the couple to do the best they can and work toward loving each other and getting married and then these things, in a sense, will fix themselves.
The church does say that if a couple gets pregnant before marriage the first choice, if possible, to make it right is for the couuple to get married. Why is that? It seems to Jane that if whay they did was a sin, the first choice would be to place the child for adoption and probably the couple should break up- maybe as retribution or to avoid further sin or something.
That there could be the point. Perhaps repentance isn't about being punished for our sins, but about following through with our choices and making things right. There probably isn't a right and wrond to every questions, but a whole lot of shades of gray in between.
In reading scriptures lately, Jane has encountered a lot that basically says God is in control, don't forget Him, and let Him be in your life. Perhaps this isn't about fate/destiny and God controlling you like a chess game. Perhaps it's so He can help you distinguish all the gray areas and make the most out of whichever shade you choose.
Life suddenly got very complicated.
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Babble
I learned long ago to trust my intuition when I first wake up in the morning- my very frist most honest impression. But in the last while, I'm not sure that's always true. Sometimes I think all my intuition is saying is that I'm scared.
Fear plays a big role in my life and is very influential. The other night, I had some phone calls to make for church and I just about didn't get it done. I wasn't avoiding it on purpose, I just kept forgetting or thinking of reasons why later would be better. I HAD to get them done, so I just told myself to be friendly and positive- now they're done and I can quit thinking about it.
I need to talk to my boss about next quarter and that makes me nervous too. So I keep waiting. I HAVE to get that taken care of too! My first impression when I think about that in the morning is I want to get back in bed. That's not intuition that I ought to wait or think things over- that's just avoidance.
Another thing that's a problem for me is settling my own mind when someone says something different. I'm so quick to say I'm wrong- they MUST know more/better than I do. Says who!?
Ugh. I get tired of thinking and acting and reacting in a way that's different than what I really think. Honestly, sometimes I think one thing in the very moment I'm saying or doing something else. That's so weird and frustrating!
Fear plays a big role in my life and is very influential. The other night, I had some phone calls to make for church and I just about didn't get it done. I wasn't avoiding it on purpose, I just kept forgetting or thinking of reasons why later would be better. I HAD to get them done, so I just told myself to be friendly and positive- now they're done and I can quit thinking about it.
I need to talk to my boss about next quarter and that makes me nervous too. So I keep waiting. I HAVE to get that taken care of too! My first impression when I think about that in the morning is I want to get back in bed. That's not intuition that I ought to wait or think things over- that's just avoidance.
Another thing that's a problem for me is settling my own mind when someone says something different. I'm so quick to say I'm wrong- they MUST know more/better than I do. Says who!?
Ugh. I get tired of thinking and acting and reacting in a way that's different than what I really think. Honestly, sometimes I think one thing in the very moment I'm saying or doing something else. That's so weird and frustrating!
Saturday, September 03, 2005
I've said it all before, but I'm learning
Kliff told Jane that most of the country's population has the mental capability of an 8 year old. (Not to put down any 8 year olds, but you know what I mean). He was talking about politics, but he's right in so many ways! So why does Jane turn to so many other people for advice? There are so many books and magazines and t.v. shows etc about relationships and how to be pretty and what makes you worth something. What do these people know!? Even within the church framework, sure these people are at least looking for more and trying to do what's right etc, but do they really get it? Do they know anything about life and people and living? Probably not. Because they too have an immature mental capacity and can only see things, even good things, from that perspective.
Kliff also told Jane that "I don't know" is not a good answer, something that Jane says all the time. Not because she doesn't know, but because she's thinking or she's hesitant or she doesn't want conflict. On Benny's blog, she took the book personality quiz. She was compared to Siddhartha. She's never read that book but the comment said she doesn't know what she believes in and clings to every philosophy until a new one comes along. This hurt Jane because she feels she has great conviction and a strong belief system. But she realized it's true! Constantly searching for truth and the right answer, Jane listens to every voice but her own. When the truth is, Jane does know.
Jane has been trying to stop everytime she thinks "I don't know" or acts out of habit in a way that shows hesitation and say, "I do know. And this is what I know."
So, this is what Jane knows...
Jane knows God is love and He isn't going to kick her out of heaven because she's not as perfect as she tries to be. In fact, even if she made the biggest mistake she is capable of, God would still help her get where it is she ultimately wants to go.
Jane knows that emotions are like the blood of the spirit. Sometimes their expression should be censored or controlled, but for the most part, emotions are your connection to the world. How else do you know what's good or bad or when you're in love or when you've been hurt and it's not good for you to be somewhere or with someone? No, emotions are not the same as conscience, but they are a lot stronger force and a better teacher than logic alone.
Jane knows there are good things in the world. As much time in life as possible should be spent with those you love, smelling flowers, watching grass grow, and listening to laughter. The world keeps spinning, the trick is to enjoy the ride.
These are not beliefs Jane has an easy time living. Perhaps acknowledgement is the first step in letting them grow.
Kliff also told Jane that "I don't know" is not a good answer, something that Jane says all the time. Not because she doesn't know, but because she's thinking or she's hesitant or she doesn't want conflict. On Benny's blog, she took the book personality quiz. She was compared to Siddhartha. She's never read that book but the comment said she doesn't know what she believes in and clings to every philosophy until a new one comes along. This hurt Jane because she feels she has great conviction and a strong belief system. But she realized it's true! Constantly searching for truth and the right answer, Jane listens to every voice but her own. When the truth is, Jane does know.
Jane has been trying to stop everytime she thinks "I don't know" or acts out of habit in a way that shows hesitation and say, "I do know. And this is what I know."
So, this is what Jane knows...
Jane knows God is love and He isn't going to kick her out of heaven because she's not as perfect as she tries to be. In fact, even if she made the biggest mistake she is capable of, God would still help her get where it is she ultimately wants to go.
Jane knows that emotions are like the blood of the spirit. Sometimes their expression should be censored or controlled, but for the most part, emotions are your connection to the world. How else do you know what's good or bad or when you're in love or when you've been hurt and it's not good for you to be somewhere or with someone? No, emotions are not the same as conscience, but they are a lot stronger force and a better teacher than logic alone.
Jane knows there are good things in the world. As much time in life as possible should be spent with those you love, smelling flowers, watching grass grow, and listening to laughter. The world keeps spinning, the trick is to enjoy the ride.
These are not beliefs Jane has an easy time living. Perhaps acknowledgement is the first step in letting them grow.
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Now I'm Judgemental
As not nice as it may be, Jane wants to tell a story about her friend Buffy. This is not meant to be a judgement! THink of it more as a science experiment where your feedback is the collected data.
Several years ago, Buffy was engaged to a guy named Geoffery. Admittedly, Buffy had doubts that this was really "the one," but she also talked about how great he was, how good he made her feel, and Jane, who knew Buffy for as much of her life as she can remember, thought she saw Buffy happier than she'd ever seen her.
Buffy and Geoffery lived back east but planeed on moving west to plan the wedding and be closer to Buffy's family. So, Buffy came here to look for an apartment, get a car, etc. Then, one fateful night, Buffy went out with her friend Freakshow. She met Guy #2, kissed him, and went home that very night and broke up with Geoffery.
Geoffery was heartbroken and willing to take Buffy back- at least he didn't want to let it go so easily. But Buffy insisted this was where she was to be. Within a month, she moved in with Guy #2 and in another 2 or 3 months, THEY broke up. This time, Buffy was left heartbroken and devastated and trying to hold onto something that wasn't there.
Who is Jane to know how Buffy really felt? But, Jane can't help thinking that Buffy could (or would?) have been happier if she stayed with Geoffery. Jane was convinced, and still is, that he would love and adore Buffy forever.
Would Buffy had known she was happy when she had doubts about Geoffery and would have had to, in her mind, walk away from what she thought was a blow your mind love at first sight thing with Guy #2?
If love is an action, if it's, to some extent, a choice as previous blogs have stated, Jane's hypothesis is that perhaps Buffy made a not so wise choice and if she would have been a bit more logical, she could have avoided the heartbreak. Yes, once again Jane is looking for right vs. wrong answers rather than seeing life for the complexity that it is. Jane, as usual, is just confused and scared and trying to see the end result without taking the journey. She's afraid she'll make a "mistake" (who's to say it was?) like Buffy who may have let doubts and fears get in the way. On the other hand, Jane's friend Hilda married a boy she met in high school two years after having his baby and is now not even thirty and divorced with three kids. ANother friend, Agnes, is just getting divorced as well. Maybe they should have listened MORE to their doubts?
The common denominator among Buffy, Hilda, and Agnes seems to be that they didn't let enough logic rule their love decisions. Buffy was swept away by one moment of passion. Hilda probably gave in to low self esteem. And poor Agnes was probably a victim of environment and lower standards. I know there is no way to safe guard against someone else hurting you. But, Jane is so logical at times she's afraid it keeps her from even having a love situation. But then, if she threw out all logic, she's afraid of ending up like so many hurt and disappointed people.
Several years ago, Buffy was engaged to a guy named Geoffery. Admittedly, Buffy had doubts that this was really "the one," but she also talked about how great he was, how good he made her feel, and Jane, who knew Buffy for as much of her life as she can remember, thought she saw Buffy happier than she'd ever seen her.
Buffy and Geoffery lived back east but planeed on moving west to plan the wedding and be closer to Buffy's family. So, Buffy came here to look for an apartment, get a car, etc. Then, one fateful night, Buffy went out with her friend Freakshow. She met Guy #2, kissed him, and went home that very night and broke up with Geoffery.
Geoffery was heartbroken and willing to take Buffy back- at least he didn't want to let it go so easily. But Buffy insisted this was where she was to be. Within a month, she moved in with Guy #2 and in another 2 or 3 months, THEY broke up. This time, Buffy was left heartbroken and devastated and trying to hold onto something that wasn't there.
Who is Jane to know how Buffy really felt? But, Jane can't help thinking that Buffy could (or would?) have been happier if she stayed with Geoffery. Jane was convinced, and still is, that he would love and adore Buffy forever.
Would Buffy had known she was happy when she had doubts about Geoffery and would have had to, in her mind, walk away from what she thought was a blow your mind love at first sight thing with Guy #2?
If love is an action, if it's, to some extent, a choice as previous blogs have stated, Jane's hypothesis is that perhaps Buffy made a not so wise choice and if she would have been a bit more logical, she could have avoided the heartbreak. Yes, once again Jane is looking for right vs. wrong answers rather than seeing life for the complexity that it is. Jane, as usual, is just confused and scared and trying to see the end result without taking the journey. She's afraid she'll make a "mistake" (who's to say it was?) like Buffy who may have let doubts and fears get in the way. On the other hand, Jane's friend Hilda married a boy she met in high school two years after having his baby and is now not even thirty and divorced with three kids. ANother friend, Agnes, is just getting divorced as well. Maybe they should have listened MORE to their doubts?
The common denominator among Buffy, Hilda, and Agnes seems to be that they didn't let enough logic rule their love decisions. Buffy was swept away by one moment of passion. Hilda probably gave in to low self esteem. And poor Agnes was probably a victim of environment and lower standards. I know there is no way to safe guard against someone else hurting you. But, Jane is so logical at times she's afraid it keeps her from even having a love situation. But then, if she threw out all logic, she's afraid of ending up like so many hurt and disappointed people.
Sunday, August 14, 2005
Sunday School Lesson
Today in church we had two lessons about marriage. One thought that was brought up was that love makes you want to be better than who you are.
I agree. I want to find someone who makes me want to look good everyday, be more kind and gentle, smarter, more active. All the things I think make me a better person. But as we talked in our lessons, I got thinking of poor perfectionist Jane.
All her life, Jane has had a picture of what she thought she would/should be when she grew up. Religion classes in college epitomized this. Girls there wore cardigan sweaters and loose jeans, loafers and little make-up, had shoulder or chin length smooth bobbed hair, played the piano and sang in choir, and most (I'm not kidding) majored in childhood development. I shall say this in caps: THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THESE THINGS, but as a whole picture, Jane never felt adequate. Jane liked sweaters and comfy shoes, she even had short hair. But have you ever heard her sing? The only way she could play guitar was by tapping her foot in a mathematical way and counting dilligently the notes. She majored in mathematics! Supposedly that's not a very girlie subject and people thought she was too smart for the average guy. Poor Jane again.
But that's what was so great about college. Not just getting a degree or looking for a career, but finding the real JANE! Much has happened to do away with that vision of perfect.
What Jane's realizing now is that she's also had a picture of perfect love. The guy that would make her everything. (I know, I said this in a previous blog- too bad, stop reading if it annoys you!) The point being that poor Jane didn't know that she was holding her soul mate to the same strict standards she had always tried and failed to live up to! She thought he would be the one to make all those things better and okay. What she's realizing now is that she thought that would happen because he would inspire her, allow her, expect of her to be all those things!
That means that Jane, whether she knew it or not, has been looking for the male counterpart to her not so perfect perfect version of herself! And that's no good!!! She doesn't want the guy who doesn't ever swear or get angry, who always eats all his vegetables and always has good thoughts (not that she doesn't want all these things). But Jane needs someone who can make out without crossing the line, who feels passion and so he gets angry once in a while, who has days when he doesn't feel like getting up for church. Perfect is feeling those things and being good anyway. Or forgiving yourself and each other for not being good anyway.
So, yes, Jane wants someone who inspires her to be her best self. But not someone who puts those expectations of "perfect" back on her.
I agree. I want to find someone who makes me want to look good everyday, be more kind and gentle, smarter, more active. All the things I think make me a better person. But as we talked in our lessons, I got thinking of poor perfectionist Jane.
All her life, Jane has had a picture of what she thought she would/should be when she grew up. Religion classes in college epitomized this. Girls there wore cardigan sweaters and loose jeans, loafers and little make-up, had shoulder or chin length smooth bobbed hair, played the piano and sang in choir, and most (I'm not kidding) majored in childhood development. I shall say this in caps: THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THESE THINGS, but as a whole picture, Jane never felt adequate. Jane liked sweaters and comfy shoes, she even had short hair. But have you ever heard her sing? The only way she could play guitar was by tapping her foot in a mathematical way and counting dilligently the notes. She majored in mathematics! Supposedly that's not a very girlie subject and people thought she was too smart for the average guy. Poor Jane again.
But that's what was so great about college. Not just getting a degree or looking for a career, but finding the real JANE! Much has happened to do away with that vision of perfect.
What Jane's realizing now is that she's also had a picture of perfect love. The guy that would make her everything. (I know, I said this in a previous blog- too bad, stop reading if it annoys you!) The point being that poor Jane didn't know that she was holding her soul mate to the same strict standards she had always tried and failed to live up to! She thought he would be the one to make all those things better and okay. What she's realizing now is that she thought that would happen because he would inspire her, allow her, expect of her to be all those things!
That means that Jane, whether she knew it or not, has been looking for the male counterpart to her not so perfect perfect version of herself! And that's no good!!! She doesn't want the guy who doesn't ever swear or get angry, who always eats all his vegetables and always has good thoughts (not that she doesn't want all these things). But Jane needs someone who can make out without crossing the line, who feels passion and so he gets angry once in a while, who has days when he doesn't feel like getting up for church. Perfect is feeling those things and being good anyway. Or forgiving yourself and each other for not being good anyway.
So, yes, Jane wants someone who inspires her to be her best self. But not someone who puts those expectations of "perfect" back on her.
Thursday, August 04, 2005
I'm sexist... and that's a good thing?
In a relationship, the woman should be pretty, not the man
Maybe it's unfortunate, but I think physical attraction is more important to men than to women. Not that we don't want something pretty, but maybe, generally speaking, women have forgotten what we truly need in a man. We don't need the guy with rock hard abs and the wink or small touch that makes us shiver (yes shivering is a good thing, but bear with me). A lot of my students are single mothers in their mid-twenties and I get to hear about "hot" great boyfriends. Eventually, a large percet of the time, I find out that the guy is in jail (or just got out) or she met him in a bar or club and he was so drunk that when they talked next, he didn't remember what color hair she has!
In the movie "Hitch," he says any guy has a chance with any girl. What Hitch has to learn is that it's still about love and not just knowing how to play the right game, but that's what I loved about the movie. It was like a guy Cinderella story. A back lash of sorts. For so long women have been treated as sex objects, but now they are doing the same to the men. I thought the point of the movie was that everyone deserves love, not just the pretty people, and that love is more than physical anyway. My kudos.
Jane adores beyond belief her baby brother. He is the funniest, smartest, most spiritual and insightful guy you could ever meet. Maybe it sounds strange to people, but I've heard people say you get a sort of crush on your kids as they grow up and change. Well, that was always true of Jane and her baby brother. Even when they were little, she thought he was the cutest thing she'd ever seen. Recently they travelled together with some friends, and all of that came back again (not that it ever left). Jane realized that, in some sense, what she wants to fall in love with is a Benny. And, through recent blogs, she also realized that she could not be that in love with him without knowing him so well (see BennyK's post on my last blog). Once again he's right and to think that you are going to fall in love with someone after just a few dates or because of initial attraction is quite silly. What do men and women really need from each other?
On the other hand, I said that women should be the pretty one in a relationship. I say this mostly in vanity because I think most of us want to be pretty, even if we are the no-frills, practical types and not because I think all women should look like super models. In fact, I think that boys need to be taught, in some sense, what is pretty and what natural, feminine beauty is- heaven knows what is and isn't portrayed in the media!
That said, it probably is true that men are more visual creatures. Maybe rather than give them a hard time about it, we should embrace it. Look at sunsets and mountain ranges, the ocean and snow on a leafless black tree. Nature is beautiful! and most people would agree that the real stuff completely outshines the facades (I'm thinking of the glitz and so called glamour of Las Vegas). I believe the beauty of an artist or architect or even a gardener is because of the creation process. Something divine and Godlike. Maybe as women we should take that to heart. Recognize the natural beauty of feminine, womanly characteristics inside and out and be glad that man appreciates it! Then any artwork, architecture, or gardening we do on ourselves should emulate that, not try to fake it in a Las Vegas type way.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that men should be men and women women. We should appreciate and even celebrate the differences rather than fight and complain against them. If my man (if I had one) needs me to be soft and feminine and womanly, HALLELUJAH! I need him to be strong and sweet and brave in an immoral and scary world. I need his adoration and I need him to teach and play with my children so they grow up happy and good and Christ like.
Maybe it's unfortunate, but I think physical attraction is more important to men than to women. Not that we don't want something pretty, but maybe, generally speaking, women have forgotten what we truly need in a man. We don't need the guy with rock hard abs and the wink or small touch that makes us shiver (yes shivering is a good thing, but bear with me). A lot of my students are single mothers in their mid-twenties and I get to hear about "hot" great boyfriends. Eventually, a large percet of the time, I find out that the guy is in jail (or just got out) or she met him in a bar or club and he was so drunk that when they talked next, he didn't remember what color hair she has!
In the movie "Hitch," he says any guy has a chance with any girl. What Hitch has to learn is that it's still about love and not just knowing how to play the right game, but that's what I loved about the movie. It was like a guy Cinderella story. A back lash of sorts. For so long women have been treated as sex objects, but now they are doing the same to the men. I thought the point of the movie was that everyone deserves love, not just the pretty people, and that love is more than physical anyway. My kudos.
Jane adores beyond belief her baby brother. He is the funniest, smartest, most spiritual and insightful guy you could ever meet. Maybe it sounds strange to people, but I've heard people say you get a sort of crush on your kids as they grow up and change. Well, that was always true of Jane and her baby brother. Even when they were little, she thought he was the cutest thing she'd ever seen. Recently they travelled together with some friends, and all of that came back again (not that it ever left). Jane realized that, in some sense, what she wants to fall in love with is a Benny. And, through recent blogs, she also realized that she could not be that in love with him without knowing him so well (see BennyK's post on my last blog). Once again he's right and to think that you are going to fall in love with someone after just a few dates or because of initial attraction is quite silly. What do men and women really need from each other?
On the other hand, I said that women should be the pretty one in a relationship. I say this mostly in vanity because I think most of us want to be pretty, even if we are the no-frills, practical types and not because I think all women should look like super models. In fact, I think that boys need to be taught, in some sense, what is pretty and what natural, feminine beauty is- heaven knows what is and isn't portrayed in the media!
That said, it probably is true that men are more visual creatures. Maybe rather than give them a hard time about it, we should embrace it. Look at sunsets and mountain ranges, the ocean and snow on a leafless black tree. Nature is beautiful! and most people would agree that the real stuff completely outshines the facades (I'm thinking of the glitz and so called glamour of Las Vegas). I believe the beauty of an artist or architect or even a gardener is because of the creation process. Something divine and Godlike. Maybe as women we should take that to heart. Recognize the natural beauty of feminine, womanly characteristics inside and out and be glad that man appreciates it! Then any artwork, architecture, or gardening we do on ourselves should emulate that, not try to fake it in a Las Vegas type way.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that men should be men and women women. We should appreciate and even celebrate the differences rather than fight and complain against them. If my man (if I had one) needs me to be soft and feminine and womanly, HALLELUJAH! I need him to be strong and sweet and brave in an immoral and scary world. I need his adoration and I need him to teach and play with my children so they grow up happy and good and Christ like.
Saturday, July 30, 2005
Return of the Mathematician
In talking to Mother Bear, I was reminded that people think math is all about numbers and coming up with the right answer. True to some point. But higher level mathematics (yes, Calculus is basic) is all about universal rules and truths. True mathematicians (I am not on that plane, but was trained to start thinking that way) try to prove the truth of something, no matter what numbers are put into it. My algebra students absolutely freak out when we first see variables: “why do they have to put letters in math? Letters aren’t numbers!” To the contrary, they are getting the first glimpse of the art of mathematics.
Much of Calculus is the study of limits. A function looks like x3 – 5x2 + 2x – 8 (this is a simple example) and you figure out what happens, over time, as the value of x changes. Using Calculus, you can study the increasing/decreasing nature of a function as well as it’s concavity. A function like this one, though simple, in time will shoot off to infinity. A perfect example for what we hope love to be. A function such as (5x + 2)/ x5, will approach, though never reach, the value of zero. Unfortunately many love relationships are in this predicament and people don’t even realize it because it never actually hits zero. Other functions approach a certain numeric value, again getting infinitely closer and closer, but never reaching, or passing!, that value. This can be positive or negative, but still limiting. And still other functions are sinusoidal or periodic in nature meaning, essentially, that they bounce back and forth between two limiting values. A most interesting function looks like a butterfly. Close to the origin it bounces back and forth between very small values, but in time it bounces between positive and negative infinity!
I may be Jane, but Joe and Bill are just variables. I have a hard time expressing myself , even TO myself. By putting in variables and seeing the potentials/limits for Jane, it allows me to get an objective view of not a specific but a general variable and it’s potential. I just wanted to discuss some thoughts and feelings with my all wise friends, not yet ready to talk about specifics.
As for specifics, if any of the following names mean anything to you, Joe, the guy Jane thinks has potential for love (no, she’s not IN love with anyone at this point) is a composite character of the Dustins/Alexs/Mikes in Jane’s life. These are guys Jane meets and feels an instant attraction and some sort of mental/emotional connection with. Jane feels comfortable and like she doesn’t have to hide. In fact, the more she can share of her true nature, the better she feels. Thus, she explores the potential for love. However, speaking of limits, these also all happen to be guys that don’t want the same thing as Jane; they have different values and belief systems. Jane doesn’t believe in casting people aside for their differences, Jesus said love everyone, and so she opens herself to the possibility and it keeps resulting in heartache and disappointment.
Bill, the good guy in this scenario, really is a sketch of the Denniss/Kevins/Matts that Jane meets. These truly are good guys who are kind and shy and want good and right things. Sometimes Jane even enjoys their company and she definitely sees the good in them that should be appreciated. Unfortunately, for the most part, Jane usually ends up bored. There really isn’t any chemistry or attraction. And, just as important, Jane feels very limited in the expression of herself. In order to get along with these guys, there are only one or two sides of herself she can express. Still, if one of them (which they all seem to do) seems to adore her, she doesn’t take this lightly. Perhaps Jane’s definition of love and potentials is skewered by movies and books and television where true love is immediate and full of fireworks with no questions or real big conflict to get over. Perhaps if Jane gave a Bill a chance, he would turn into a law (get it? I’m a bill, I’m a bill…). That really is the question. Because Jane has learned that the potential in Joe eventually would peter out to zero, or at the least be stopped at some finite number, because she would be losing too much of what matters to her. Should Jane explore the Bill function further? Is she wrong in her initial analysis that shows there is a limit?
As for Tony, he really is more of an ideal, like the sixteen-year old version of what love would someday look like. Jane always thought she would grow up, go to BYU, find a returned missionary, and live happily ever after. This didn’t happen and Jane (is it maturity or skeptical and bitter?) now realizes there is so much more to it. Jane still hopes for a Prince on a white horse, but is not content to sit around cleaning someone else’s house playing with dwarfs.
So, anyway, this is what I would like this blog to be for a while. I appreciate, enjoy and learn from all the comments if you are still interested. Perhaps it’s boring for you, but Jane is still learning. I’m sure it’s annoying that Jane has to speak in third person through alter egos and abstracts- Jane gets annoyed too!- but at least now she is putting names to the voices in her head! It’s very good for Jane.
Now, as a sort of update. Jane has had somewhat of a crush on Trek at school. She doesn’t see him often enough to really have a crush on him and because of certain circumstances, nothing could happen at this point anyway. The other day, Jane saw Trek from a distance and immediately felt that little surge of attraction that leads one to think such thoughts as love and potentials. If Trek was closer, Jane could easily talk to him and it’s not just a physical attraction. But, from a distance, Jane listened closer to the ZING she felt as she watched Trek walk away. She realized that, although strong, that feeling had no more substance than the sixteen-year old crushes. Not that those feelings are not very real and substantial, but the substance seems to lie more in the idea than in reality.
On the other hand, Jane has gone out twice in the last week with Kliff. Jane is very much enjoying Kliff. Jane doesn’t believe in kiss and tell, but for the purposes of the story will tell you that Kliff held her hand on the first date. Call Jane a prude, but she usually takes more time to build up to even that. So, while she didn’t NOT want to, she was a bit surprised by it. Perhaps because of nerves, it wasn’t like fireworks exploded and she is now without a doubt in love with Kliff. It was more a quiet kind of “hm.” Something to be considered, a curiosity, a simple pleasure. Jane was excited for their second date and looked forward to it all week. Admittedly, she was excited to hold his hand again. The second date was just as good as the first. But, Jane feels cautious. I’m sure that all seems normal to anyone normal, but Jane worries that it’s a bad sign. Perhaps the lack of overwhelming fireworks means there will be none (thus the question “can love be grown?”) It seems almost unfair of Jane to Kliff, should in time she fall in love with him, to say there was this hesitation or unsureity at the beginning. She would like her Prince to fall in love at first sight with her and would like to say the same to him in return. Jane always wanted to believe that love at first sight was a spiritual connection to your soul’s mate. Perhaps it is skepticism and bitterness and Jane is now too cautious to admit it if she did feel fireworks and love at first sight and so, whoever the Prince may be, the beginning will be like Kliff. Perhaps Jane was wrong, and true love will start with a quiet “hm.”
And maybe that’s okay.
Much of Calculus is the study of limits. A function looks like x3 – 5x2 + 2x – 8 (this is a simple example) and you figure out what happens, over time, as the value of x changes. Using Calculus, you can study the increasing/decreasing nature of a function as well as it’s concavity. A function like this one, though simple, in time will shoot off to infinity. A perfect example for what we hope love to be. A function such as (5x + 2)/ x5, will approach, though never reach, the value of zero. Unfortunately many love relationships are in this predicament and people don’t even realize it because it never actually hits zero. Other functions approach a certain numeric value, again getting infinitely closer and closer, but never reaching, or passing!, that value. This can be positive or negative, but still limiting. And still other functions are sinusoidal or periodic in nature meaning, essentially, that they bounce back and forth between two limiting values. A most interesting function looks like a butterfly. Close to the origin it bounces back and forth between very small values, but in time it bounces between positive and negative infinity!
I may be Jane, but Joe and Bill are just variables. I have a hard time expressing myself , even TO myself. By putting in variables and seeing the potentials/limits for Jane, it allows me to get an objective view of not a specific but a general variable and it’s potential. I just wanted to discuss some thoughts and feelings with my all wise friends, not yet ready to talk about specifics.
As for specifics, if any of the following names mean anything to you, Joe, the guy Jane thinks has potential for love (no, she’s not IN love with anyone at this point) is a composite character of the Dustins/Alexs/Mikes in Jane’s life. These are guys Jane meets and feels an instant attraction and some sort of mental/emotional connection with. Jane feels comfortable and like she doesn’t have to hide. In fact, the more she can share of her true nature, the better she feels. Thus, she explores the potential for love. However, speaking of limits, these also all happen to be guys that don’t want the same thing as Jane; they have different values and belief systems. Jane doesn’t believe in casting people aside for their differences, Jesus said love everyone, and so she opens herself to the possibility and it keeps resulting in heartache and disappointment.
Bill, the good guy in this scenario, really is a sketch of the Denniss/Kevins/Matts that Jane meets. These truly are good guys who are kind and shy and want good and right things. Sometimes Jane even enjoys their company and she definitely sees the good in them that should be appreciated. Unfortunately, for the most part, Jane usually ends up bored. There really isn’t any chemistry or attraction. And, just as important, Jane feels very limited in the expression of herself. In order to get along with these guys, there are only one or two sides of herself she can express. Still, if one of them (which they all seem to do) seems to adore her, she doesn’t take this lightly. Perhaps Jane’s definition of love and potentials is skewered by movies and books and television where true love is immediate and full of fireworks with no questions or real big conflict to get over. Perhaps if Jane gave a Bill a chance, he would turn into a law (get it? I’m a bill, I’m a bill…). That really is the question. Because Jane has learned that the potential in Joe eventually would peter out to zero, or at the least be stopped at some finite number, because she would be losing too much of what matters to her. Should Jane explore the Bill function further? Is she wrong in her initial analysis that shows there is a limit?
As for Tony, he really is more of an ideal, like the sixteen-year old version of what love would someday look like. Jane always thought she would grow up, go to BYU, find a returned missionary, and live happily ever after. This didn’t happen and Jane (is it maturity or skeptical and bitter?) now realizes there is so much more to it. Jane still hopes for a Prince on a white horse, but is not content to sit around cleaning someone else’s house playing with dwarfs.
So, anyway, this is what I would like this blog to be for a while. I appreciate, enjoy and learn from all the comments if you are still interested. Perhaps it’s boring for you, but Jane is still learning. I’m sure it’s annoying that Jane has to speak in third person through alter egos and abstracts- Jane gets annoyed too!- but at least now she is putting names to the voices in her head! It’s very good for Jane.
Now, as a sort of update. Jane has had somewhat of a crush on Trek at school. She doesn’t see him often enough to really have a crush on him and because of certain circumstances, nothing could happen at this point anyway. The other day, Jane saw Trek from a distance and immediately felt that little surge of attraction that leads one to think such thoughts as love and potentials. If Trek was closer, Jane could easily talk to him and it’s not just a physical attraction. But, from a distance, Jane listened closer to the ZING she felt as she watched Trek walk away. She realized that, although strong, that feeling had no more substance than the sixteen-year old crushes. Not that those feelings are not very real and substantial, but the substance seems to lie more in the idea than in reality.
On the other hand, Jane has gone out twice in the last week with Kliff. Jane is very much enjoying Kliff. Jane doesn’t believe in kiss and tell, but for the purposes of the story will tell you that Kliff held her hand on the first date. Call Jane a prude, but she usually takes more time to build up to even that. So, while she didn’t NOT want to, she was a bit surprised by it. Perhaps because of nerves, it wasn’t like fireworks exploded and she is now without a doubt in love with Kliff. It was more a quiet kind of “hm.” Something to be considered, a curiosity, a simple pleasure. Jane was excited for their second date and looked forward to it all week. Admittedly, she was excited to hold his hand again. The second date was just as good as the first. But, Jane feels cautious. I’m sure that all seems normal to anyone normal, but Jane worries that it’s a bad sign. Perhaps the lack of overwhelming fireworks means there will be none (thus the question “can love be grown?”) It seems almost unfair of Jane to Kliff, should in time she fall in love with him, to say there was this hesitation or unsureity at the beginning. She would like her Prince to fall in love at first sight with her and would like to say the same to him in return. Jane always wanted to believe that love at first sight was a spiritual connection to your soul’s mate. Perhaps it is skepticism and bitterness and Jane is now too cautious to admit it if she did feel fireworks and love at first sight and so, whoever the Prince may be, the beginning will be like Kliff. Perhaps Jane was wrong, and true love will start with a quiet “hm.”
And maybe that’s okay.
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
I Love You for My Sake (Jane's moment of Zen)
Once upon a time, Jane fell in love with Tony. Now, we’re not debating whether she was really in love or the definition of “in love.” Her mind, her heart, her actions told her that she was. Tony seemed like the kind of guy that Jane needed and wanted. And then, Tony broke her heart.
Heartbreak is supposed to be a painful, excruciating thing. And, to some extent, of course it was for Jane. She carried on as if nothing had happened when really her insides had been slashed to pieces. But then something amazing happened. Jane threw her love out to the universe as if she was playing with a boomerang. She gave it up to the world and
it didn’t return, not in the way that makes a happy movie ending, not in someone outside herself, the object of her affection. Instead of waking up without it, Jane woke up amazingly happy. What she realized is that even love only matters within one’s own heart.
It was an empowering thing. It made Jane feel like she had choices. But the most important things was, Jane realized that if even love isn’t about the other person, she no longer had to feel like she existed to impress the world.
This brings us back to Jane’s dilemma with Joe and Bill. We have received some very thoughtful and interesting comments. Here’s what Jane’s friend, Pepper had to say:
“If Jane chooses Joe, she is giving up almost everything she wants in life for what she believes is the love of her life. The contradiction is that the reason she thinks she loves Joe, is because he makes her feel completed. However, in the process of choosing him, she will lose herself. She can’t give up everything for love in another person, because it only really matters within herself.”
Perhaps if Jane chooses Bill, he will be fulfilled in the love he has for her. In return, Jane may come to love him. If she thinks she loves Joe because of what he gives her within herself, isn’t it possible that Bill’s love will bring forth even greater fruit? His love for her has to have an impact. The life he is willing to share and build with her will give her fulfillment because it’s who she’s always wanted to be. In some sense, wouldn’t she have to come to love Bill with that same passion because of who they are together? Because of the life they have together? Because he is giving/being her everything?
I realize that a lack of love can destroy a home, an identity, a future. But if two people were truly committed, can love be grown?
Heartbreak is supposed to be a painful, excruciating thing. And, to some extent, of course it was for Jane. She carried on as if nothing had happened when really her insides had been slashed to pieces. But then something amazing happened. Jane threw her love out to the universe as if she was playing with a boomerang. She gave it up to the world and
it didn’t return, not in the way that makes a happy movie ending, not in someone outside herself, the object of her affection. Instead of waking up without it, Jane woke up amazingly happy. What she realized is that even love only matters within one’s own heart.
It was an empowering thing. It made Jane feel like she had choices. But the most important things was, Jane realized that if even love isn’t about the other person, she no longer had to feel like she existed to impress the world.
This brings us back to Jane’s dilemma with Joe and Bill. We have received some very thoughtful and interesting comments. Here’s what Jane’s friend, Pepper had to say:
“If Jane chooses Joe, she is giving up almost everything she wants in life for what she believes is the love of her life. The contradiction is that the reason she thinks she loves Joe, is because he makes her feel completed. However, in the process of choosing him, she will lose herself. She can’t give up everything for love in another person, because it only really matters within herself.”
Perhaps if Jane chooses Bill, he will be fulfilled in the love he has for her. In return, Jane may come to love him. If she thinks she loves Joe because of what he gives her within herself, isn’t it possible that Bill’s love will bring forth even greater fruit? His love for her has to have an impact. The life he is willing to share and build with her will give her fulfillment because it’s who she’s always wanted to be. In some sense, wouldn’t she have to come to love Bill with that same passion because of who they are together? Because of the life they have together? Because he is giving/being her everything?
I realize that a lack of love can destroy a home, an identity, a future. But if two people were truly committed, can love be grown?
Monday, July 25, 2005
Questions of the heart
I think it's time I should change the name of my blog... but since I don't know how, it shall remain. It still fits. My current thoughts, as usual, are in the realm of love- the romantical kind. So, let's set two scenarios...
A girl named Jane meets two nice fellas. Bill is a successful guy who, like Jane, wants to get married and have a family. He has a good job and would be happy to support a stay at home mom (an important thing to Jane). He is spiritually a good guy (and for those with differing opinions, let's just say it's important to Jane that she and her husband share religious beliefs and attend the same church, not just for her, but for the future children). Jane enjoys Bill, thinks he is cute, and likes being around him. There is nothing that she doesn't like, but alas, Jane is not smitten down with love that can't be helped.
Joe is the other guy that Jane has met. They seem to be unable to help their love for each other. Jane feels complete infatuation for Joe, but Joe is not very successful. Maybe he's a good, hard worker, but he doesn't have a strong education and will never make enough money to support a family on his own, leaving Jane, the more successful of the two, to have to work to help support the family. Furthermore, Joe already has children (and so an ex-wife) and doesn't know if he wants more. Also, Joe does not share Jane's religious convictions. He believes in the same God, but that's about as far as his faith goes.
Should Jane choose Bill or Joe? In the long run, who do you think Jane will be happier with? Can she learn to love Bill? Can she learn to not love Joe? Is logic or emotion more important in this sense?
P.S. No, I am not Jane. I don't know why this question keeps coming back to me in some form. Perhaps in a future blog, I will be more personal and y'all can be my therapist and help me figure myself out.
A girl named Jane meets two nice fellas. Bill is a successful guy who, like Jane, wants to get married and have a family. He has a good job and would be happy to support a stay at home mom (an important thing to Jane). He is spiritually a good guy (and for those with differing opinions, let's just say it's important to Jane that she and her husband share religious beliefs and attend the same church, not just for her, but for the future children). Jane enjoys Bill, thinks he is cute, and likes being around him. There is nothing that she doesn't like, but alas, Jane is not smitten down with love that can't be helped.
Joe is the other guy that Jane has met. They seem to be unable to help their love for each other. Jane feels complete infatuation for Joe, but Joe is not very successful. Maybe he's a good, hard worker, but he doesn't have a strong education and will never make enough money to support a family on his own, leaving Jane, the more successful of the two, to have to work to help support the family. Furthermore, Joe already has children (and so an ex-wife) and doesn't know if he wants more. Also, Joe does not share Jane's religious convictions. He believes in the same God, but that's about as far as his faith goes.
Should Jane choose Bill or Joe? In the long run, who do you think Jane will be happier with? Can she learn to love Bill? Can she learn to not love Joe? Is logic or emotion more important in this sense?
P.S. No, I am not Jane. I don't know why this question keeps coming back to me in some form. Perhaps in a future blog, I will be more personal and y'all can be my therapist and help me figure myself out.
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
I've got a secret...
My question today is can you really love someone and have secrets from them? I'm not talking about keeping a journal that you don't want them to read, more just for the sake of letting your thoughts go than that you are keeping something from them. And I"m not talking about hiding an alternate lifestyle/personality. I just wonder if you can love someone enough to say you want to be with them forever but not tell them everything about you. It seems to me you couldn't. That if you truly wanted to share your existence with them, you would want and need them to understand even your sad and bad and ugly times- however in the past they might be. And, if you really expect them to love you, keeping something from them because you're afraid they won't want to love you in spite of it, isn't being truly honest.
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
Checking in (or out?)
I want to run away. To be somewhere calm and quiet where people can't depend on me for a day or two. Somewhere where the only person I have to answer to is me. I need some time with me. I'm searching for some clarity, motivation, perhaps change. Definitely looking for something stable. At least for a day or two.
Monday, May 23, 2005
I feel pretty- oh so pretty
The other day I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and for one brief moment (very brief!) I actually felt love for my body. Not for health and strength and lack of disformity or handicap. But genuinely, I loved how my body looked.
This has happened once before in my entire life. I was at the gym by mom’s house. At that gym they have a women’s weight room that I liked to go in because there was more privacy etc. I always wore a t-shirt over a tank top thing over a sports bra (trying to contain it all, y’know). In the weight room, I sometimes took off the t-shirt because seeing myself in the mirrors helped me to concentrate on the muscles and see how things were changing. One time, sitting in the seat of one of the machines, I looked in the mirror and was actually happy about the way my body curves. It wasn’t (still isn’t) tight and small and toned. But I am strong and healthy… and curvaceous and soft. I liked that I looked like that.
Even typing this here, I feel like I should apologize or at least acknowledge that yes, I know I have a round belly and I’m larger than a lot of women. And that’s the point. These moments only last a moment. Because we're not allowed to love our bodies. If you’re skinny, you should be curvier. If you’re fat, you’re fat. If you have big boobs, you should wear a minimizing bra. If you’re small you should wear a padded one. Okay, fine, I’m all for self improvement. And there are health reasons to lose weight yada yada. I get it. But it’s like against the rules to actually love yourself physically.
My problem is, I let other people’s opinions get in my way. How can I love myself when voices keep telling me not to?
This has happened once before in my entire life. I was at the gym by mom’s house. At that gym they have a women’s weight room that I liked to go in because there was more privacy etc. I always wore a t-shirt over a tank top thing over a sports bra (trying to contain it all, y’know). In the weight room, I sometimes took off the t-shirt because seeing myself in the mirrors helped me to concentrate on the muscles and see how things were changing. One time, sitting in the seat of one of the machines, I looked in the mirror and was actually happy about the way my body curves. It wasn’t (still isn’t) tight and small and toned. But I am strong and healthy… and curvaceous and soft. I liked that I looked like that.
Even typing this here, I feel like I should apologize or at least acknowledge that yes, I know I have a round belly and I’m larger than a lot of women. And that’s the point. These moments only last a moment. Because we're not allowed to love our bodies. If you’re skinny, you should be curvier. If you’re fat, you’re fat. If you have big boobs, you should wear a minimizing bra. If you’re small you should wear a padded one. Okay, fine, I’m all for self improvement. And there are health reasons to lose weight yada yada. I get it. But it’s like against the rules to actually love yourself physically.
My problem is, I let other people’s opinions get in my way. How can I love myself when voices keep telling me not to?
Monday, May 16, 2005
Meme
If I were a scientist, I'd create a time machine and live in happy memories and hopeful futures. Although, I must admit that lately I appreciate the fact that "God blessed the broken roads that led me straight to you." (Sorry, Benny, it's a country song). ALl my dead ends, uphill climbs, day to day long drives through the desert have led me to where I am and I feel excitingly attached to that lately. ANd hey, the scenery hasn't been so bad.
"If I were a painter, I would paint a memory... climb inside the swirling skies to be with you..." (another song- Nora Jones!). I'd paint pictures like that one movie where Robin Williams goes to heaven and heck with really chuncky paint- every color dripping with a million shades of itself.
If I were a farmer I would live in Star Valley and enjoy the fruits of my labor. I know you'd have to work hard for your survival, but isn't that what we're all doing anyway? ANd it seems much more connected to what you're doing. I'd sit on my porch every morning drinking hot postum in the arms of my true love and watch the sun kiss the mountain tops- that magical time when it's cool and you feel life awakening. We'd sit there again at night and eat fruits and vegetables and watch our children play.
Now, is there anyone left to be tagged? Is anyone even reading this? I know I know. I don't blog much. My only computers are at mom's (usually I or the computer are occupied by someone else) or at work- where I try to be as little as possible lately. Miss you all!
"If I were a painter, I would paint a memory... climb inside the swirling skies to be with you..." (another song- Nora Jones!). I'd paint pictures like that one movie where Robin Williams goes to heaven and heck with really chuncky paint- every color dripping with a million shades of itself.
If I were a farmer I would live in Star Valley and enjoy the fruits of my labor. I know you'd have to work hard for your survival, but isn't that what we're all doing anyway? ANd it seems much more connected to what you're doing. I'd sit on my porch every morning drinking hot postum in the arms of my true love and watch the sun kiss the mountain tops- that magical time when it's cool and you feel life awakening. We'd sit there again at night and eat fruits and vegetables and watch our children play.
Now, is there anyone left to be tagged? Is anyone even reading this? I know I know. I don't blog much. My only computers are at mom's (usually I or the computer are occupied by someone else) or at work- where I try to be as little as possible lately. Miss you all!
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Book Report
I tend to go through phases where I read nothing for months and then I become insatiable from my fasting. I read everything I can get my hands on. My most recent books include “A Room With a View,” “ Like Water for Chocolate,” and I am in the beginnings of “The Cinderella Rules.”
“A Room With a View” is a classical, turn of the century novel full of propriety and rebellion. A young woman travels to Italy with her maiden cousin. Italy soon becomes the symbol of all we yearn for in life- passion, art, love. The cousin remains, until the very end, the carrier of rules, stigma, and good manners. The major conflict comes in the main character’s battle with herself: to give up everything for love and happiness, even just recognizing what love is and what will bring her happiness, or to marry into the polite society?
“Like Water for Chocolate” also takes place in a very traditional society. The major conflict here is also within the main character’s desire for love and passion. She is trapped by a tradition as the youngest daughter being doomed to care for her mother until she dies. Thus, she is forbidden from marriage and treated quite as a Cinderella.
Which brings us to my last selection, “The Cinderella Rules.” I am currently reading it and so far it is about a woman in modern times who lives on and runs her grandfather’s ranch. This is much different than the society of her father and sister- NY and DC business and politics. She is sent back home- to the DC area- by her little sister to act as a social ambassador to a man with whom her father needs to complete a business deal. This trip includes an almost extreme make-over. And first thing, of course, she meets a man and there is instant attraction, not to mention a quite detailed make-out scene.
In all three stories, a young woman is challenged by her upbringing and her sudden found love (or is it lust?). I found “A Room With a View” to be wonderful, as far as those old books with big words and long descriptions can be to someone with as simple a mind as I have. The salvation of the book, which I DID enjoy greatly, comes from the forbidden lover’s father- a wise old man who knows what it means to live- and his long speeches about life. The first kiss between the main character and her forbidden man is so innocent and so brief in description, I was almost disappointed. If it weren’t for the reaction of the cousin and the drama and intrigue brought on by her, it would have been completely lacking. “Those were the days” and a simple kiss (I think it mentions later that it was on the cheek) threatened virtue and good standing. I loved the ending, still simple and innocent, but full of passion and feeling. I won’t say much about that and spoil it for anyone who hasn’t read it.
“Like Water for Chocolate” was delightfully written. The main character is only allowed to express her love through creation of food- the only way to touch her lover’s body and soul. The “kissing” scenes in this book were rather brief, but not so innocent. Un-innocent enough that I am reluctant to let my 16 year old sister read it. Simply because it may cause too much delight! (Oops, I forget that mother is watching). Unlike another recently shared novel, “The Birth of Venus,” which follows the same story line I’m discussing and has very graphic sex scenes (but only two! I just had a Sunday school lesson on that excuse)- this book is somehow more… full of innuendo, which embarrasses the innocence I see my baby sister as having, albeit naively (knowing that most of you are probably more concerned with my innocence than hers!), more so than “The Birth of Venus.” Still, I would recommend this novel to anyone besides my sister and mother because it is so well written- fanciful, super-natural, and still very realistic in it’s presentation of the human heart.
Now, for “The Cinderella Rules.” A modern story, set in modern times, complete with modern values, or lack thereof. While I’m completely enjoying the characters and the silliness of a modern Cinderella story, I don’t know that I will continue because of it’s lack of innocence. And here is the point of this blog. How come it’s so different than the other two books? It seems obvious- this one is more descriptive of physical rather than emotional feelings. It’s more about someone I would know or be than someone of bygone eras and other cultures, so perhaps it’s more realistic. And yet, these seem like trite Sunday school answers.
As most of you have seen, I have a work of art in my living room. It portrays the back of a woman, covered only waist or hip high by a blanket. It is one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen. It depicts everything I want to be- soft, feminine, graceful, confident. I find nothing wrong with it, but I’m embarrassed to have anyone from the ward come over or my brothers.
I have this art unabashedly displayed in my house, my home- my expression of the world I am trying to create. But I will say with complete disdain that pornography is the most vile thing I can think of. It hurts me at the very root of my soul when people say it’s just what guys do. It’s something I could never tolerate in a boyfriend or husband. Not because I’m pious, but because it hurts my senses and emotions so deeply and easily. Again, the difference seems obvious, but I’m sure BYU would ban my painting on the grounds of the very reasons that I find pornography to be so distasteful.
I’d like your comments- not just on the sex/pornography and art issue, but on the sensitivities of the human spirit. Why do some things offend and not others? Why do some things scare me spiritually and not someone else? Why do some things that are by definition “wrong,” not bother me? Why do others, without anyone having to define it, shake my innocence and proprieties naturally and not because I was socialized to think it? Can I trust that as my conscience and good judgment? Am I wrong in what is not offensive?
“A Room With a View” is a classical, turn of the century novel full of propriety and rebellion. A young woman travels to Italy with her maiden cousin. Italy soon becomes the symbol of all we yearn for in life- passion, art, love. The cousin remains, until the very end, the carrier of rules, stigma, and good manners. The major conflict comes in the main character’s battle with herself: to give up everything for love and happiness, even just recognizing what love is and what will bring her happiness, or to marry into the polite society?
“Like Water for Chocolate” also takes place in a very traditional society. The major conflict here is also within the main character’s desire for love and passion. She is trapped by a tradition as the youngest daughter being doomed to care for her mother until she dies. Thus, she is forbidden from marriage and treated quite as a Cinderella.
Which brings us to my last selection, “The Cinderella Rules.” I am currently reading it and so far it is about a woman in modern times who lives on and runs her grandfather’s ranch. This is much different than the society of her father and sister- NY and DC business and politics. She is sent back home- to the DC area- by her little sister to act as a social ambassador to a man with whom her father needs to complete a business deal. This trip includes an almost extreme make-over. And first thing, of course, she meets a man and there is instant attraction, not to mention a quite detailed make-out scene.
In all three stories, a young woman is challenged by her upbringing and her sudden found love (or is it lust?). I found “A Room With a View” to be wonderful, as far as those old books with big words and long descriptions can be to someone with as simple a mind as I have. The salvation of the book, which I DID enjoy greatly, comes from the forbidden lover’s father- a wise old man who knows what it means to live- and his long speeches about life. The first kiss between the main character and her forbidden man is so innocent and so brief in description, I was almost disappointed. If it weren’t for the reaction of the cousin and the drama and intrigue brought on by her, it would have been completely lacking. “Those were the days” and a simple kiss (I think it mentions later that it was on the cheek) threatened virtue and good standing. I loved the ending, still simple and innocent, but full of passion and feeling. I won’t say much about that and spoil it for anyone who hasn’t read it.
“Like Water for Chocolate” was delightfully written. The main character is only allowed to express her love through creation of food- the only way to touch her lover’s body and soul. The “kissing” scenes in this book were rather brief, but not so innocent. Un-innocent enough that I am reluctant to let my 16 year old sister read it. Simply because it may cause too much delight! (Oops, I forget that mother is watching). Unlike another recently shared novel, “The Birth of Venus,” which follows the same story line I’m discussing and has very graphic sex scenes (but only two! I just had a Sunday school lesson on that excuse)- this book is somehow more… full of innuendo, which embarrasses the innocence I see my baby sister as having, albeit naively (knowing that most of you are probably more concerned with my innocence than hers!), more so than “The Birth of Venus.” Still, I would recommend this novel to anyone besides my sister and mother because it is so well written- fanciful, super-natural, and still very realistic in it’s presentation of the human heart.
Now, for “The Cinderella Rules.” A modern story, set in modern times, complete with modern values, or lack thereof. While I’m completely enjoying the characters and the silliness of a modern Cinderella story, I don’t know that I will continue because of it’s lack of innocence. And here is the point of this blog. How come it’s so different than the other two books? It seems obvious- this one is more descriptive of physical rather than emotional feelings. It’s more about someone I would know or be than someone of bygone eras and other cultures, so perhaps it’s more realistic. And yet, these seem like trite Sunday school answers.
As most of you have seen, I have a work of art in my living room. It portrays the back of a woman, covered only waist or hip high by a blanket. It is one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen. It depicts everything I want to be- soft, feminine, graceful, confident. I find nothing wrong with it, but I’m embarrassed to have anyone from the ward come over or my brothers.
I have this art unabashedly displayed in my house, my home- my expression of the world I am trying to create. But I will say with complete disdain that pornography is the most vile thing I can think of. It hurts me at the very root of my soul when people say it’s just what guys do. It’s something I could never tolerate in a boyfriend or husband. Not because I’m pious, but because it hurts my senses and emotions so deeply and easily. Again, the difference seems obvious, but I’m sure BYU would ban my painting on the grounds of the very reasons that I find pornography to be so distasteful.
I’d like your comments- not just on the sex/pornography and art issue, but on the sensitivities of the human spirit. Why do some things offend and not others? Why do some things scare me spiritually and not someone else? Why do some things that are by definition “wrong,” not bother me? Why do others, without anyone having to define it, shake my innocence and proprieties naturally and not because I was socialized to think it? Can I trust that as my conscience and good judgment? Am I wrong in what is not offensive?
Monday, April 18, 2005
How Convenient
I've been thinking lately of things we do for convenience and realizing how lazy I am! How hard is it to make oatmeal? Not hard at all, and yet, it's so much easier to make the instant kind- heat the water in the coffee pot, it's ready when I am with no dirty pan to clean, I don't have to get out the sugar, the instant kind is already flavored, and all I have to do is stir! (It's expensive though and I uaually eat plain oatmeal because it's healthier, I guess). I use shampoo/conditioner in one because it's so obnoxious now to have to wash AND condition my hair. I buy canned fruit a lot and much to my happy surprise, they now make lots of canned goods with pop tops- no can openers to bother with! Yea! I even go out of my way at stores with automatic sliding doors because it's easier than opening one myself!
Monday, April 11, 2005
My not so personal personal life
Well, as most of you now know, because people like to talk around here and not because I told you, Mom has a friend that she thinks I should meet. We have emailed twice. That's not the point. The point is, that I am hearing that some of the men in my life, Dad, Stephen, and even Benny, are being quite... protective? defensive? I suppose that should be a compliment. And I suppose that it's good to have people watching out for me. But really...
I tend to make other people's opinions matter more than my own. So please, give me a chance to formulate mine before I have to think yours. And, how am I ever going to meet someone if everytime there is even a remote possibility, everyone gets all bristled? Trust my judgement a bit, but thanks for looking out for me. And really, slow down, calm down, it's only the beginning of who knows what!
P.S. This is why I don't usually talk about things and y'all think I have no life! Haha.
I tend to make other people's opinions matter more than my own. So please, give me a chance to formulate mine before I have to think yours. And, how am I ever going to meet someone if everytime there is even a remote possibility, everyone gets all bristled? Trust my judgement a bit, but thanks for looking out for me. And really, slow down, calm down, it's only the beginning of who knows what!
P.S. This is why I don't usually talk about things and y'all think I have no life! Haha.
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
Crayola Crayons
I once read an article in a church magazine about a girl getting ready to start kindergarten. As part of the process, she and her mother met with the teacher and she had some evaluative tests. For one of the tests, the teacher asked her to pick her favorite color from the crayon box and write her name. The little girl sat there for quite some time unable to do it. The teacher moved on to something else. The mother was confused, knowing that her daughter knew how to write her name. Later, she asked her about it. The girl said it was because her favorite color wasn't in the box.
The point of the article was that sometimes we have to take what life gives us and do our best with it. Color our world with the crayons in the box rather than waiting for the colors we really want.
This is all fine and good, but I realized over the weekend that I have been painting a really dull picture, pretty much since I graduated from college (can you believe it's been almost four years!?) I'm not being cynical; my life is good and I'm doing/ have done a lot of what I wanted to. What I mean is...
It's like I've arrived. As a kid, I imagined growing up and going to college. Growing up and being a teacher. Growing up and dating, getting married, having babies. Now that I've done some of those, what do I look forward to? And the things that haven't happened? I keep looking back wondering what did or didn't happen. What chance I missed, etc. rather than believing that it's still out there to find and do. It's like walking backwards. I'm stepping into the future, but looking at the past.
I felt I found some hope, at least for a moment, that there is still a lot of growing up to do and goals to accomplish and daydreams to have. That was very freeing. If I can at all believe in destiny, mine is still there- out there, not behind me or encrypted in a secret message I must have misplaced in my life. Destiny is not something you finish or accomplish; it's something that you live and constantly do.
Right?
The point of the article was that sometimes we have to take what life gives us and do our best with it. Color our world with the crayons in the box rather than waiting for the colors we really want.
This is all fine and good, but I realized over the weekend that I have been painting a really dull picture, pretty much since I graduated from college (can you believe it's been almost four years!?) I'm not being cynical; my life is good and I'm doing/ have done a lot of what I wanted to. What I mean is...
It's like I've arrived. As a kid, I imagined growing up and going to college. Growing up and being a teacher. Growing up and dating, getting married, having babies. Now that I've done some of those, what do I look forward to? And the things that haven't happened? I keep looking back wondering what did or didn't happen. What chance I missed, etc. rather than believing that it's still out there to find and do. It's like walking backwards. I'm stepping into the future, but looking at the past.
I felt I found some hope, at least for a moment, that there is still a lot of growing up to do and goals to accomplish and daydreams to have. That was very freeing. If I can at all believe in destiny, mine is still there- out there, not behind me or encrypted in a secret message I must have misplaced in my life. Destiny is not something you finish or accomplish; it's something that you live and constantly do.
Right?
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
I am Woman, Hear me roar... A somewhat response to MelBelle's Blog
I read Melanie's blog about women and make-up and socialization quite some time ago and have thought about it almost every day since.
In some ways I completely agree with her. I look through magazines or watch t.v. and you can define what it is to be hot: long smooth hair, polished shaped nails, skinny body, and short skirts with big boots. I hate this. It completely takes away from the individuality of women! We are all beautiful in our own ways. It's a cliche, but if only we could look and see that it is true!
I used to go to Jazzercise religiously. I loved it. There were old women, young women, fat ones, skinny ones, short hair, long hair, big butts, no boobs, big boobs, no butts. The beauty there was incredible- in all our sweaty leotards and workout wear. It was awesome. I see this now in Relief Society in my single's ward. So many different and wonderful women! How can anyone possibly look at any of them and say there is any thing wrong with them! I used to love being in primary because kids are wonderful. All their little personalities and physical differences. I never looked at one and thought they were fat or I didn't like their coloring or whatever. But that's what we do with ourselves and each other all the time.
I started wearing make up in the seventh grade. Do you know how young that is!? And it wasn't because it was fun or cool, it's because I thought I was ugly and the first day I wore it to school everyone told me how pretty I was. Yes, I did the end of the 80's big bang hair-do as well. I lived in fear of anyone seeing me without the whole get up. I was 12 for crying out loud! I remember one time Gina's aunt (a year older than I) coming over and we were both so self concious about our flat, undone hair. Isn't that sad? Truly. Look at a 12 year old kid one day and think of that young person hating how she looks, thinking she isn't good enough to leave the house without making herself up. That is truly tragic.
I'm much better now. I go to the gym very ugly when I'm not coming from work. I wear sweats to the grocery store. I even leave the house and once in a while, heaven forbid, go to work without make-up. Because I accept myself. Because being in college I realized that people still recongnize me without the mask. AND they still like and respect me.
Now for the other hand...
I hate it just as much that when I dress girly or want to wear make-up, I feel over done and pretentious. I hate that women aren't supposed to have curves- think of the flat chested, polo shirts and khaki pant wearing girls I encountered in high school. Suddenly the granola, preppy, no make up look was in. And what was I to do? I still didn't like the way I looked without make-up and felt better presenting myself a bit fixed up. Now a days, it seems like the best dressed and most professional looking people wear only black. I don't look good in black and like to wear color. Straight hair is in but my hair curls naturally so beautifully and easily! And finally, I'm getting comfortable wearing girlie frilly stuff and I actually like putting on make-up in the morning (most days!) But now, this stuff isn't trendy enough. And the other day I felt the other extreme: my femininity is being taken away!
Of course the best thing is to do what makes you feel good- authentically, not in a socially accepted way. Easier said than done!
One last thought to throw out there. Not to bring him up again, but I read Dr. Phil one time saying that whether it's right or not or acceptable or not (and he wasn't letting men off the hook or giving full reign to the horn dogs) men are visually stimulated. He told women to use this to their advantage and take care of themselves. Fix yourself up once in a while for your guy. I kind of agreed. Sorry Mel (smiley face).
I also saw on Oprah (yes I watch too much t.v. lately) a show about women around the world. What they do, how they dress, their lifestyle. Several women in other countries said they can't believe how sloppy American women are. In other places, women always look feminine and dressed up a bit. Now, I'm all for Levi's and a big t-shirt or wearing my sweats on the weekend. But honestly? I was impressed by the presence of these women. The way they were presenting themselves to the world, their families, themselves. They were WOMEN!
In some ways I completely agree with her. I look through magazines or watch t.v. and you can define what it is to be hot: long smooth hair, polished shaped nails, skinny body, and short skirts with big boots. I hate this. It completely takes away from the individuality of women! We are all beautiful in our own ways. It's a cliche, but if only we could look and see that it is true!
I used to go to Jazzercise religiously. I loved it. There were old women, young women, fat ones, skinny ones, short hair, long hair, big butts, no boobs, big boobs, no butts. The beauty there was incredible- in all our sweaty leotards and workout wear. It was awesome. I see this now in Relief Society in my single's ward. So many different and wonderful women! How can anyone possibly look at any of them and say there is any thing wrong with them! I used to love being in primary because kids are wonderful. All their little personalities and physical differences. I never looked at one and thought they were fat or I didn't like their coloring or whatever. But that's what we do with ourselves and each other all the time.
I started wearing make up in the seventh grade. Do you know how young that is!? And it wasn't because it was fun or cool, it's because I thought I was ugly and the first day I wore it to school everyone told me how pretty I was. Yes, I did the end of the 80's big bang hair-do as well. I lived in fear of anyone seeing me without the whole get up. I was 12 for crying out loud! I remember one time Gina's aunt (a year older than I) coming over and we were both so self concious about our flat, undone hair. Isn't that sad? Truly. Look at a 12 year old kid one day and think of that young person hating how she looks, thinking she isn't good enough to leave the house without making herself up. That is truly tragic.
I'm much better now. I go to the gym very ugly when I'm not coming from work. I wear sweats to the grocery store. I even leave the house and once in a while, heaven forbid, go to work without make-up. Because I accept myself. Because being in college I realized that people still recongnize me without the mask. AND they still like and respect me.
Now for the other hand...
I hate it just as much that when I dress girly or want to wear make-up, I feel over done and pretentious. I hate that women aren't supposed to have curves- think of the flat chested, polo shirts and khaki pant wearing girls I encountered in high school. Suddenly the granola, preppy, no make up look was in. And what was I to do? I still didn't like the way I looked without make-up and felt better presenting myself a bit fixed up. Now a days, it seems like the best dressed and most professional looking people wear only black. I don't look good in black and like to wear color. Straight hair is in but my hair curls naturally so beautifully and easily! And finally, I'm getting comfortable wearing girlie frilly stuff and I actually like putting on make-up in the morning (most days!) But now, this stuff isn't trendy enough. And the other day I felt the other extreme: my femininity is being taken away!
Of course the best thing is to do what makes you feel good- authentically, not in a socially accepted way. Easier said than done!
One last thought to throw out there. Not to bring him up again, but I read Dr. Phil one time saying that whether it's right or not or acceptable or not (and he wasn't letting men off the hook or giving full reign to the horn dogs) men are visually stimulated. He told women to use this to their advantage and take care of themselves. Fix yourself up once in a while for your guy. I kind of agreed. Sorry Mel (smiley face).
I also saw on Oprah (yes I watch too much t.v. lately) a show about women around the world. What they do, how they dress, their lifestyle. Several women in other countries said they can't believe how sloppy American women are. In other places, women always look feminine and dressed up a bit. Now, I'm all for Levi's and a big t-shirt or wearing my sweats on the weekend. But honestly? I was impressed by the presence of these women. The way they were presenting themselves to the world, their families, themselves. They were WOMEN!
Friday, March 18, 2005
Ketchup... Catsup.... Catch up!
Wow! After reading everyone's most previous blogs, I am feeling very thoughtful. Everything from funerals to nerds and the sales at Mervyn's. It's so great to catch up with everyone and have such good conversation. I'm mostly posting this in case anyone sees it so you'll know that I posted on some of your blogs in case you want to go back and read my comments- I know, I know, I'm kinda late to join the conversation. Not that I'm all that insightful, it's more to let you know I was thinking of you than to be egotistical. Anyway... keep up the good blogs!
Monday, February 21, 2005
Dear Dr. ME!
My little sister has recently shared a book with me that she finds hilarious. It's called "He's Just Not That Into You." It lists excuses women give for the men in their lives that just won't commit. (I've only read the first chapter about guys not asking you out... according to the wisdom of the writers, if he doesn't, there's no explanation but that he's just not that into you).
Perhaps it's my latest crush (don't want to talk about it) that has me very defensive about it. I just don't believe it though. But isn't anything in print the gospel truth?
Sometimes I get really tired of all the "self help" and similar genre books and magazines out there. I search and search for answers. Surely someone knows better than I! But when it comes down to it, I doubt that they do. Even Dr. Phil must be taken with a grain of salt. And even your best of friends and sisters and mothers don't even really know what's going on inside of you. Perhaps we are left ultimately to figure out this life for ourselves. Perhaps that's the whole point we're here. And maybe it COULD be more fun and fulfilling that way anyway.
Perhaps it's my latest crush (don't want to talk about it) that has me very defensive about it. I just don't believe it though. But isn't anything in print the gospel truth?
Sometimes I get really tired of all the "self help" and similar genre books and magazines out there. I search and search for answers. Surely someone knows better than I! But when it comes down to it, I doubt that they do. Even Dr. Phil must be taken with a grain of salt. And even your best of friends and sisters and mothers don't even really know what's going on inside of you. Perhaps we are left ultimately to figure out this life for ourselves. Perhaps that's the whole point we're here. And maybe it COULD be more fun and fulfilling that way anyway.
Monday, February 14, 2005
Day of Hearts and Love
I feel it would be sacreligious of me to not post on this of all holidays. It's always been my favorite. I long for the elementary school days... decorated boxes, paper Valentine's, and heart shaped cookies! Those were days when I could leave a secret admirer note for someone and feel completely satisfied with unrequited love. I could like someone without freaking out or worrying if he liked me back. It was a much simpler time.
This isn't a Valentine's story, but it's a good one for today. There was a boy named Roger in elementary school. I thought he was cute, but he was painfully shy and even his best friend picked on him. I always tried to be nice. One day he gave an oral book report that I thought was really well done. So, I left a note on his desk saying it was good from a secret friend. I hoped it made a difference to him. I too was shy and never really knew how to be friends with him beyond my feable attempts.
Love to all in whatever form it may come!
This isn't a Valentine's story, but it's a good one for today. There was a boy named Roger in elementary school. I thought he was cute, but he was painfully shy and even his best friend picked on him. I always tried to be nice. One day he gave an oral book report that I thought was really well done. So, I left a note on his desk saying it was good from a secret friend. I hoped it made a difference to him. I too was shy and never really knew how to be friends with him beyond my feable attempts.
Love to all in whatever form it may come!
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
Chaos Theory
While walking on the machine at the gym, I had my headphones plugged in to the Gold's Gym station (they have a bunch or hanging t.v.s and you can select the channel of your choice). I chose this station because I like to listen to music, not because I enjoy the videos. I kind of just let my thoughts and eyes wander. As I did so, scenes from soap operas flashed by, even some commercials look more racey than usual when you don't hear anything with them, and the music videos of half dressed girating people. What a bunch of hooey! Then my eyes caught sight of the PBS channel. Yes, there in the gym, amongst the crap, was the BYU devotional. One t.v. had captions and I started following along, the "devil" music still blasting in my ears. Funny enough, what should the guy be talking about? Morals and modesty. Granted I was only catching words in the middle of his talk, but it too was a bit discouraging. He was talking about the clothing styles and dances of the sixties, when I imagine he was a young man battling his own hormonal levels. Now, I realize a lot of crap came out of the sixties- love fests and all. But, and again, I'm not quite sure having tuned in late, I think he was criticizing bell bottoms and the twist!?!?!
I feel there are two extremes in life. I can be the tramp on the t.v. (if I keep going to the gym that is) and show everything God or the plastic surgeon has given me. Or I can be a nun. Those of you who really know me, know I struggle with a great deal of unnecessary guilt in my life. I probably really think I should be a nun. On the other hand, I don't want to be cheap and immoral. So, I ask, where is the middle ground? Is it safe? Is it right?
Perhaps the real question is, what if you believein rules and where they are coming from, but you disagree with what they are saying. For example, in the last election we voted on the ammendment to change the state constitution to outlaw homosexuals. No matter what your moral standpoint, that felt a bit harsh. When I read the ammendment, I couldn't believe something so closed minded and meaningless. But all the commercials and sometimes even the news kept telling me that if I believed in God and being moral I would vote for this. Sure, I'm supposed to be able to make up my mind, but when they basically tell me that even the church and prophet, who speaks for God, says we should vote one way, I felt confused. (I'm sorry Ben, but I did- he thinks this is ludicrous to believe them). Why do I struggle so much in making up my own mind?
I'll tell you why. Because I believe in rules and morals and "doing the right thing." There has to be a right answer. But the truth is, the more I live it, the more I realize that real life doesn't work that way. It's chaos. No predictability. So sometimes I feel like why try? More often I ask how to make sense and come to terms with it all.
I feel there are two extremes in life. I can be the tramp on the t.v. (if I keep going to the gym that is) and show everything God or the plastic surgeon has given me. Or I can be a nun. Those of you who really know me, know I struggle with a great deal of unnecessary guilt in my life. I probably really think I should be a nun. On the other hand, I don't want to be cheap and immoral. So, I ask, where is the middle ground? Is it safe? Is it right?
Perhaps the real question is, what if you believein rules and where they are coming from, but you disagree with what they are saying. For example, in the last election we voted on the ammendment to change the state constitution to outlaw homosexuals. No matter what your moral standpoint, that felt a bit harsh. When I read the ammendment, I couldn't believe something so closed minded and meaningless. But all the commercials and sometimes even the news kept telling me that if I believed in God and being moral I would vote for this. Sure, I'm supposed to be able to make up my mind, but when they basically tell me that even the church and prophet, who speaks for God, says we should vote one way, I felt confused. (I'm sorry Ben, but I did- he thinks this is ludicrous to believe them). Why do I struggle so much in making up my own mind?
I'll tell you why. Because I believe in rules and morals and "doing the right thing." There has to be a right answer. But the truth is, the more I live it, the more I realize that real life doesn't work that way. It's chaos. No predictability. So sometimes I feel like why try? More often I ask how to make sense and come to terms with it all.
Sunday, February 06, 2005
My silly thoughts
Life is interesting to me. How much do you think we really choose in it? I think I no longer believe in fate, destiny, etc. (Sorry to be so unromantical Katherina). But I definitely believe in divine intervention.
Lately I've been thinking that there is no set path. That the things that seem "meant to be" may be answers to our prayers, but not necessarily destined answers. So maybe we need to just pray and think about the situations we're in. Maybe things change.
I've always said maybe life is an essay test, not multiple choice/ right or wrong. As long as you can reason your way through it and justify your answers, you'll get the credit. At least partial credit.
Lately I've been thinking that there is no set path. That the things that seem "meant to be" may be answers to our prayers, but not necessarily destined answers. So maybe we need to just pray and think about the situations we're in. Maybe things change.
I've always said maybe life is an essay test, not multiple choice/ right or wrong. As long as you can reason your way through it and justify your answers, you'll get the credit. At least partial credit.
Thursday, January 06, 2005
New Year Yawping
Well, it seems that everyone is talking resolutions and lists and goals, so I might as well join in.
It's funny, last new year I decided to leave the old year in the past. I wanted to let go of a few people/situations that gave me heart ache and move on with my life. I even wrote it down and said specific things that I wasn't going to think about anymore.
To some extent it worked. But funny enough, every one of those things came back into my life in some form or another. What's that about? So much for leaving them behind.
Maybe it goes back to my blog about justifying a scream. Maybe I really wanted a chance to defend myself and scream at those people and/or situations. And, I'm proud to say, I have.
I feel I have been quite true to myself and saying what I needed to say and didn't get a chance the first time. Granted, not every situation goes just as we plan it, but I done good. So perhaps my goal for 2005 is to
SOUND MY BARBARIC YAWP!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's funny, last new year I decided to leave the old year in the past. I wanted to let go of a few people/situations that gave me heart ache and move on with my life. I even wrote it down and said specific things that I wasn't going to think about anymore.
To some extent it worked. But funny enough, every one of those things came back into my life in some form or another. What's that about? So much for leaving them behind.
Maybe it goes back to my blog about justifying a scream. Maybe I really wanted a chance to defend myself and scream at those people and/or situations. And, I'm proud to say, I have.
I feel I have been quite true to myself and saying what I needed to say and didn't get a chance the first time. Granted, not every situation goes just as we plan it, but I done good. So perhaps my goal for 2005 is to
SOUND MY BARBARIC YAWP!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)