While walking on the machine at the gym, I had my headphones plugged in to the Gold's Gym station (they have a bunch or hanging t.v.s and you can select the channel of your choice). I chose this station because I like to listen to music, not because I enjoy the videos. I kind of just let my thoughts and eyes wander. As I did so, scenes from soap operas flashed by, even some commercials look more racey than usual when you don't hear anything with them, and the music videos of half dressed girating people. What a bunch of hooey! Then my eyes caught sight of the PBS channel. Yes, there in the gym, amongst the crap, was the BYU devotional. One t.v. had captions and I started following along, the "devil" music still blasting in my ears. Funny enough, what should the guy be talking about? Morals and modesty. Granted I was only catching words in the middle of his talk, but it too was a bit discouraging. He was talking about the clothing styles and dances of the sixties, when I imagine he was a young man battling his own hormonal levels. Now, I realize a lot of crap came out of the sixties- love fests and all. But, and again, I'm not quite sure having tuned in late, I think he was criticizing bell bottoms and the twist!?!?!
I feel there are two extremes in life. I can be the tramp on the t.v. (if I keep going to the gym that is) and show everything God or the plastic surgeon has given me. Or I can be a nun. Those of you who really know me, know I struggle with a great deal of unnecessary guilt in my life. I probably really think I should be a nun. On the other hand, I don't want to be cheap and immoral. So, I ask, where is the middle ground? Is it safe? Is it right?
Perhaps the real question is, what if you believein rules and where they are coming from, but you disagree with what they are saying. For example, in the last election we voted on the ammendment to change the state constitution to outlaw homosexuals. No matter what your moral standpoint, that felt a bit harsh. When I read the ammendment, I couldn't believe something so closed minded and meaningless. But all the commercials and sometimes even the news kept telling me that if I believed in God and being moral I would vote for this. Sure, I'm supposed to be able to make up my mind, but when they basically tell me that even the church and prophet, who speaks for God, says we should vote one way, I felt confused. (I'm sorry Ben, but I did- he thinks this is ludicrous to believe them). Why do I struggle so much in making up my own mind?
I'll tell you why. Because I believe in rules and morals and "doing the right thing." There has to be a right answer. But the truth is, the more I live it, the more I realize that real life doesn't work that way. It's chaos. No predictability. So sometimes I feel like why try? More often I ask how to make sense and come to terms with it all.
4 comments:
To quickly clear something up, the Prophet did not say we should vote for that amendment. That would be a major misconception, but I'm fairly sure you know this. We're never told what to vote for. He did confirm (I assume because he was being pressured to make a statement of some sort) that we believe marriage is only between a man and a woman. He also said (I'm pretty sure) that he thinks we should support this as the legal definition. This, of course, was not the point of the amendment, and that is why the amendment was no good.
But I digress. That wasn't the overall point, I realize. Yes, I think it is hard to figure out this whole middle ground thing. We are told we cannot expect to be perfect, but that never excuses our accepting of imperfection. But, my goodness, when are we ever NOT accepting imperfection? Must we reject ourselves? Is that what you mean when you say, "real life doesn't work that way"? I keep telling myself, in theory, that it should be relatively easy, that you can't really do anything other than your best, as flawed as it may seem, and so what's to worry? Is it really that hard to do your best? It is when you want it to be so clearly defined. And anything that is so strict IS difficult, regardless of what it is, don't you think? Chaos theory indeed!
It almost seems to me that we have to do the good things we know feel good, we have to forsake the bad things we know we can forsake, and anything we don't fully understand or have a conviction of, we are allowed to leave up in the air. Maybe that sounds wrong, but it can't possibly be healthy to second guess everything. Your post is evidence of that! It may sound like I condone wallowing in sin while you wait for God to change your heart in that respect, but if you feel something is truly that wrong, you probably should forsake it. If you simply wonder if it's wrong and don't know why or why not, but you worry that you're sinning anyway, maybe you should just relax--trust that God will lead you since you're following Him to the best of your knowledge. To the best of your KNOWLEDGE, not to the best of your PARANOIA! That's the key right there, methinks. If you're following paranoia, how is that following God?
If I must chose between being a sex kitten and a nun I would rather be a sex kitten. Ah, the smell of brimstone. Read my blog and think about our conversation. Remember Grandmother Eve and her choice in the garden.
I enjoyed scanning your blog. Very interesting. You write well and obviously think. I'm betting you will have a great life.
Thank you all for your wonderful and insightful comments. It means a lot!
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