Farewell

After posting my last post here, I played with a new blog layout, name, etc. For some reason, it was really fun and I really liked the idea of starting a new blog. So, I am saying farewell to this one. Please visit me on my profile under the new blog "My Universe."

P.S. Do blogs last forever? I feel like I've kept a really good journal and I'd hate to see it be wasted...

2 blog or not 2 blog

When I started high school, I had a diary and a journal. My journal was what I was always taught at church it should be. Like a personal history, I tried to make it for important events and spiritual feelings. But as I started high school, more and more of my life seemed silly and I didn't want a permanent record of the boy I liked and then didn't etc. So, I started a diary and yes, it got more attention than my journal. It seemed the only way I could stay sane was to come home and write down everything that happened that day.
Eventually, my diary and journal merged into the same thing. I got better at writing not about what one friend did or seeing the cute boy, but about how I felt and my insights and experience. I felt like that was okay to have in my permanent record that would probably stand as testimony on judgment day. Plus, I stopped taking the whole journal thing so seriously as if I was leaving an important thing for historians to find and saw it more as something we do for ourselves.
I guess that's how I'm starting to feel about my blogs. I have this one that I fill with my little thoughts and when I just need to talk to myself and think that someone else is listening. Then, I have the one I started when I thought I might be pregnant that is all about my baby and I try to keep as the happy journal of her life. But, my life is starting to merge again and I feel like it's all "just me." (Hm, maybe that's a good name for a new blog? :) I know, it's not just about me because it's about them- my baby, my husband, family and friends- but it's all through me or around me. My universe. Hm...
Plus I think when you have two blogs, people forget about the other one, so it might make it easier for my loyal viewers to only have one. Well, I'll let you know. It might be a good mental/emotional cleansing to merge things. Ah how I love the blogs!

Pina Coloda Song (this was written with the baby screaming in the background :)

I don't know when I first heard the Pina Colada song but I've always liked it. In high school and even into college, I would sometimes wake up with that song in my head and then later hear it somewhere (I thought it was old when I was a kid?). I loved the ideas of just the simple things we enjoy in life, like getting caught in the rain. But somewhere along the way, I heard that song one day and knowing what infidelity does to people, that song just wasn't the same. Both characters were looking elsewhere, looking to cheat right?

The other night as my thoughts went from one thing to the next, that song again popped in my head (I haven't heard it in forever) and I realized that the idea of taking out my own personal column and being tired of his lady were just a way of describing things. What the song is really about is that no matter how tired or frustrated or wanting to just find a dooms of a cave (I don't know if that's even the real words, just what I always heard and imagined some secluded cave on a deserted beach :), I'm really looking to find that all in the one I've already found. I'm looking to again share those simple pleasures with the one I love, not run away from him or find someone else. And that, I think, is the point of the song.

Meant to Be

I used to really believe in "meant to be." I thought that by doing the right thing, going to the right party, the right school, the right job, I was putting myself in the right place for whatever was "meant to be" to happen. I thought choosing the right meant there was a right and a wrong to EVERY question and I had to figure out some out-in-the-universe direction for my life.
I was thinking about a lot of things from my past yesterday. What I realized is that when I thought something was meant to be, it relied on someone else's action (ie. choice) to make it happen. So, when I thought I was waiting for divine intervention and order from the universe, I was really just giving my power (of choice etc) to other people. This probably doesn't sound profound to anyone else, but it gave me a lot of insight into my life.

Random Stuff

I'm pretty sure I had a good post going through my head this morning but I can't for the life of me find it...

I've been struggling with some anger issues lately. Don't know how much to say. It's been interesting I guess. Some days I feel like I will learn so much if I can learn how to deal with this. I don't mean like anger management/go to a happy place and count to ten. I mean like if I can learn to express myself without bursting into tears or throwing things across the hall. Some days I walk and I pray and if I really try, I don't have to think about things and I can feel good and focus on the life I want to be living. Other days, it just feels too hard to try. Unfortunately, I've found that caffeine is a good medicine too. It's really sad that a substance can alter my moods so tremendously. I would blame sleep deprivation on my lacking ability to control any emotion so then it makes sense that a shot of caffeine would perk me up and help me deal, but it feels so much more than that. Seriously, I feel like I did when I took Zoloft... except it only lasts a few hours and then I feel like I'm going to be sick. So I'm trying to not get hooked on the stuff.

But life is not all about this either. I suppose I keep trying to talk about things as a way of getting control. On a happy note, Rayne is walking a lot now! She is so cute I can't stand it! My mother in law has these cute moose and bear wine glass slippers. That's what they look like anyway is slippers. You put them on the base of your glass I think to keep track of whose glass is whose. Anyway, Jeff showed Rayne to wear them as slippers and when she just couldn't make that work, she put them on her hands. She walks and sometimes crawls all over the house with her slipper hands. It's really cute. She also loves to run by the couch as I squeal "I'm gonna get you!" Sometimes she runs away from me, sometimes she runs toward me and falls into my lap so I can tickle her. She gets a bit too enthusiastic sometimes and falls continuously into my lap, the couch, the chair, the floor. I'm surprised she doesn't cry more about it, but she just keeps going. Her dad has also taught her the word "puppy" rather than dog and she has two stuffed puppies she has been carrying everywhere. She tries to drink from any cup or bottle I do and the other day kept putting her baby doll to the bottle so she could drink too. Yesterday, we stopped and talked to four cows who were having their breakfast. Then we met a skinny but pretty black dog who walked us all the way home. And today, I saw the peacocks more up close, but Rayne couldn't see past all the stuff in the yard to see them.

Jeff is home from school now. I will go feed him something.

Star Gazing

Isn't it awesome
that God would put discovery in the stars
for the scientists and mystery
for the poets?

Daily affirmations

I am a woman, a daughter, of God.
I am a mother. I am a wife.
I believe in virtue and kindness and patience.
I honor beauty and the feminine.
I will act with strength, with faith.
I will put in the world what I hope to receive
& the good things I wish were there.

I will try not to fear the ugly, the base, the hurtful and wrong,
for fear gives them life.
Nor will I accept or tolerate those that inflict my life with such.

I will act always with dignity, grace, beauty, and kindness.
I will live and laugh and love.
I will remember how to breathe.

Poor me

Sunday was such a nice day. It seemed like everything at church helped me think and I found answers to a lot of questions. I was determined to do and be better about things. Then Rayne and I went to my parents house. Rayne talked to James (my other baby :) like they were best friends. She went outside and played ball with Aunt Khrystine and Grandpa. She was quite happy and that made me happy.
Then later, after I'd come home, someone said something that I had to try really hard to not let myself take it the way it was entering my head. I was pretty sure they didn't mean it that way and, trying to hang onto my Sunday school lessons, I was trying to not be hurt by it. Then Jeff told me something and again I'm sure he didn't mean it the way it felt, but as I sat putting my baby to bed, I cried. I gave up and let the hurt and bad thoughts fill my head. I sat staring out the window, feeling hurt and sorry for myself and lonely. It's probably not really healthy for her, but sometimes I just hold Rayne because of the peace and happiness I get from her.
Anyway, as I sat in my sad place, I thought of my earlier day and wondered why I would "let" myself feel this way now. I must like it, I thought meanly about myself. Instead of defensively saying why would anyone want to feel this way?, I let myself answer. I like to feel this way because it is safe. In the moment, I felt like every time I get happy, every time I get my head on straight, someone slaps me down and kicks me in the head. It's just easier to feel the sad and sorry for myself because then they can't hurt me. I'm already there. I'm already guarded. And I saw my whole attitude as a defensive stance.
Not sure what to think of this, even a few days later, but it seemed like a good insight.

Unfinished thought

Love means to learn to look at yourself the way one looks at distant things. For you are only one thing among many. And whoever sees that way heals his heart, without knowing it, from various ills.
Czeslaw Milosz from "Love"

I found this quote in an old magazine the other day. I'm not quite sure what it means, but for some reason, I liked it.
Today as I lay on the bed with my baby, I saw my reflection in the t.v. Unclear, I saw mostly the outline of myself. This thought flashed in my head and I tried to see as an observer from the outside, rather than someone who knows me so intimately. It was interesting to see my shape, with no preconceived notions. I looked rather normal, and I liked it.
We are always looking from the inside, at what comes toward us, at our own reaction. Perhaps even a mother or lover, those that love us the greatest and most intimately don't see us the way we see ourselves. They are looking from the outside, with some distance.

Day of Rest

When I asked my sister in law if her kids were as clingy as mine, she looked at me like I was silly. "Don't you remember?" she asked. "But then one day, you'll leave and when you come back they won't even care... and then you'll know you've done a good job."

Jeff's birthday was Sunday so we planned an outing for the weekend. We were just going to go to a movie and leave Rayne with her Grandma and Great Grandma. Because she's been SO clingy lately, we later decided just a lunch date would be better. We went to his Grandma's, where we still have stuff, including her crib (fyi, we brought the crib home and she slept by herself!) and hung out for a bit. She was happy to play alone but when I went to leave, feeling like I gave her no clue whatsoever, she started to cry. We decided to go for a walk and I took her out to her stroller, kissed her and told her to have fun with her grandmas. Jeff and I left.

It was so strange to be without the baby. We went to the Olive Garden. It was the fanciest date he and I had ever been on. We were a bit surprised by the prices but tried to just enjoy ourselves; I even had a real Coke. I ate TONS of salad. He ate lots of breadsticks. And our pasta was to die for!
After lunch, we went to a game store to look but not buy anything. Then we went back to grandma's.

We walked in the front door and stood there, waiting for Rayne to notice. She was playing by the couch with magnet letters. She finally looked up and saw us, seemed a bit surprised, then turned back to her grandma and continued playing. I was VERY happy. She was FINE!
Eventually, she got a bit clingy and snuggly with me and that was fun too.

This is the first time Jeff and I have gone out alone since last August. I feel sad to admit that it was nice to have a day to ourselves. I missed Rayne the whole time, but it was like I needed a break. Is that bad to say? I was so much better to handle her crying and not willing to sleep in her bed that night. And, eventually she settled and did sleep in her bed (not sure if it's because we got her crib- which she seemed very happy to play in, or because I was patient and nice when she was having a hard time instead of the flustered and not knowing what to do I was getting to the last few nights).

My Quest for Normal

Being pregnant, I learned the wonderfulness of the word normal. I was elated each time I went to the doctor and was told that everything was normal. My symptoms were normal. Her heartbeat was normal. Her growth was normal. The ultrasound was normal. She was born normal.

Growing up, I was always the teacher's pet kind of kid. I was, in some sense of the word, my dad's favorite. I was the smart kid. I was the good kid. I don't think I ever thought of myself as normal and I never wanted to be normal if it meant being like everyone else.

Recently I've seen two girls (I say girls but they were around my age, not little girls) who I thought I would have a crush on if I were a boy :) I saw the first when we stopped in to see Jeff's dad on a Saturday morning. He and his wife are in the band for the pentacostal church they go to and they have rehearsal on Saturday mornings. The girl playing keyboard was apparently struggling with the new song. The guitar player and drummer and she were working to figure it out. Even though she looked a bit frustrated, it was the kind of frustration of being in your element; "I don't get this, but I know I will." I took note that she was quite normal looking.
She wore sweats and her hair wasn't "done," but she was wearing make-up. There was just something about her that was very appealing. Perhaps it was that sense of being where she belonged, the inner self shining through even to the casual observer.

The second girl, I guess I wouldn't say I had a crush on, she just stood out. She was in a choir in church a few weeks ago. She reminded me of someone I kind of knew in high school. I kind of knew a lot of people, being too shy to really claim a lot of friends as more than a friend of a friend. As I watched the choir girl, I found myself wishing that I would have been comfortable enough with myself in high school that I could have been friends with this girl. She and her best friend just had an air about them. They were confident and comfortable enough to not have to fit in even though they didn't necessarily stand out; they weren't the obvious stand out and rebel because I'm not a cheerleader types. They were just them.

I guess I've always expected more of myself. If I'm not the best, the favorite, the smartest, etc, it's just not enough. To be honest, how often am I the best? Not ever. I've always said I can get the A-/B+ grade, I just can't quite make the A. And I'm okay with that except I think it's not good enough for anyone else. Well, to be honest, it's probably just me that expects that of myself. So even when it comes to how I look, I think I'm supposed to be this glamour queen and I think that I am always failing. At my best, I'm still just one step short. I suppose this all sounds very vain. I never think of myself that way. It's quite the opposite really. The bar I've set for myself is just too high and I always think I'm a failure for not reaching it.

As I took note of these two girls and the feelings I had, I told myself that maybe for once in my life I need to realize that normal is better than okay. It's what I want. I will never be that glamour queen I think is pretty. I might not even have that girl next door Miss America perfection I think I try for. Perhaps I'm just me. And perhaps that is okay.

Maybe my beauty comes not from the outside, but from my inner qualities as well. When I was teaching and hopefully now as a mother I'm in my element and perhaps that gives me an attractive quality I don't see when I just look in the mirror clouded with all the images I've picked up out there. It's really hard to remember. But maybe normal is okay...

On the Move Again

We have been moving again... I say sort of because we are moving from Jeff's grandma's to his mom's. We basically got enough stuff like we were just staying for the weekend and most our stuff is still at his grandma's waiting for a "big move" day... or something. We are staying in the guest room and trying to figure out if we will take over the basement or just stay in the guest room and still take over the basement with toys etc.
It's stressful for me. I have put even more stuff in storage and am really beginning to feel invisible. Rayne's beautiful crib is still at grandma's and she is sleeping in a "pack-n-play." She is nearly on the floor and was again up every two hours last night. Not easy on Mama's back! She does NOT seem to adjust to change well and has always been like that; the smallest change in routine completely throws us off. Also, last Thursday night, Rayne and I were both up all night sick with the flu (I guess). I was so sick on Friday, I couldn't move and it was horrible feeling like I wasn't taking care of her. Luckily, she mostly wanted to sleep too and we could just snuggle on the couch. But then, not feeling THAT much better, I got up and tried to pack us up on Saturday and get us to our new place. Not fun especially when I was still dealing with baby diapers and throw up.

So anyway, I am really positive. Sorry to complain.
Rayne is doing a lot better but still fussy and not real great. On a good note, it's beautiful where we live now (Lake Point). We take long wandering walks and talk to horses and llamas and dogs. Rayne calls everything a dog, but is trying to say the new words. A lot of people have a lot of irises in their yards. These used to be my favorite flower and I am remembering why. They are so graceful and strong but delicate looking. Today we walked up a hill of a road. It felt very country. From the top we could look out over the little city and out to the Great Salt Lake. On the way home I felt rejuvenated enough to run (don't be impressed. I'd run for about two seconds and then have to walk to catch my breath, but...) Rayne laughed a lot at going fast. So, life can't be so bad, right?

The Math Doesn't Add Up

Today I cleaned... let me rephrase that... Today I vacuumed my car. It's embarrassing to admit, but this is the first time since the baby was born that it's been vacuumed. EW! Jeff and his mom cleaned it out while I was in the hospital. It was full of dog hair. As I cleaned today, there was still a lot of dog hair! EW! And I had my baby in there!?
Perhaps it sounds worldly, but my car is one of my most prized material possessions. Not because it's really cool or fancy or expensive, but because I worked hard to get it and it's mine. I didn't get a car until I graduated from college and had a good job. And I had it nearly paid off by the time I got married. I took such good care of my car. Regular trips to the doctor (ie. Jiffy Lube). Regular baths. Etc etc. It truly saddened me that it was so dirty today. So dirty that there are some places I don't know if I'll ever get clean.
What happened???

I started writing the following a couple weeks ago, but couldn't get anywhere with it:

As I lay in bed the other night, I was thinking of all the things in my life that just aren't me. This wasn't as negative as it sounds, I was actually being constructive. But how can I claim that things aren't me, when all the choices and their consequences are obviously falling around me? So I started thinking of what I think I am and what I used to be...

I always paid my bills on time. I never overdrew my checkbook. I had near perfect credit with nearly no debt. I had credit cards but my biggest fault was that I would use them to get something I wanted or needed rather than saving up and using cash. But I would always stop after I got so far- no where near the limits on the things- and pay it off before I would use it again.

I always went to church, paid my tithing, had callings, said my prayers, read scriptures.

I used to exercise and eat vegetables... at least I tried. I did my hair and wore make-up and nice clothes. I came to appreciate my body and be happy with how I looked. My confidence came from the inside and it started to show on the outside. I felt good about me.

I cleaned my house and took pride, in the right kind of way, in how it looked and felt to be there.

Things are different now. Sometimes it feels like things are just a big mess- especially financially. I have hope and feel like we are getting back on track and sometimes I even feel okay about everything.

It was kind of good for me to clean the car today. It made me feel like I was taking charge and realize that this is NOT how I am, this is NOT the way I do things and so... I'm not going to anymore.

Accidentally in Love

The words and tune are awesome! So happy. So what falling in love should be. You're just going along and suddenly find yourself so connected to this person that you can't live without them. There's a deepness to it, but a happiness to it. The song says something like a "snowball running... can't explain it but I can't ignore it."

I had a philosophy instructor in college ask if we fall or jump into love. When he called on me, I said I thought we walk really close to the edge and hope to be pushed. He thought this was brilliant. So brilliant in fact that a year later in a different class at a different college, he remembered me and told me how brilliant it was and that he tells every class what I said when he gets to that lecture/discussion.

Falling, jumping, walking the edge, happening by accident as if fate or destiny or some power beyond yourself is in control was perfect when I was in high school and I'd get up in the morning looking forward to the one class when I could walk down the one hallway to see the one guy I'd been hoping to see all day. "Love" was emotionally and hormonally charged and everything was intense. This was even better when I was in college and the person I was really falling in love with was myself. Having confidence, I could truly give of myself and fall for someone for who he really was and knowing him on the inside. And, perfectly, I think I accidentally fell in love when I met my husband. One day it was like being hit in the head with how much I enjoyed talking to this person and how sad I was to see him leave for the night. The flirtations came naturally, unplanned, unguarded, no games, no plans. And the deepness just happened. The trust, the desire, the closeness. No work, no effort, no show. Just natural.

Could I accidentally fall in love now? I don't think so. My heart is committed elsewhere and I'm simply not walking that edge. Logically, in some way, I guess it makes sense when people say something, an affair, cheating, leaving your lover for another, just happened. Perhaps you work on a project with someone at work or school and feelings develop as you get to know them. Maybe an old flame comes back and reignites something. Or a friend gets a bit too close. But to make love out of this?

Love is more than a feeling, it's an action. Like I said, my heart is taken, so I just don't get it. But even setting that aside, you would have to choose to take that step. Even if all you chose was to walk the edge where your life no longer belongs.

Don't know why I'm posting about this

I walked in on the end of Oprah today. It was about child molesters. In the part I caught, Oprah was telling people that they can teach their kids, therefore protect them, by telling them that they have control over their bodies and if something doesn't feel right, it's okay to say no. She said that a 5 year old doesn't know how to do this but when they are older, it's important that they have the words etc. By "empowering" kids this way, they can protect themselves because a molester doesn't want a fuss. If you "don't let" him, he'll go find an easier victim and leave you alone.
This is probably good advice for kids to know.
But it bothered me what it implies about anyone who has been hurt this way. Like if you were old enough to "know" better and you didn't say anything it's kind of your own fault. Also, I've heard it's common for victims to think they are saving the perpetrator from hurting anyone else, like younger siblings, by taking the abuse themselves. By refusing, they might just be sending him to hurt someone else and they wouldn't want that to happen.

Getting Orientated

Last Thursday, I went to orientation at the U with Khrys. It was a significant day for her and I was glad she asked me to accompany her. I've always wanted/felt a need to be a good example for Khrys, James and Gina and college is something I really wanted them to know was a great thing. And it was really fun taking my baby with us. Education is something I want my children to value.

Selfishly, I was also excited to be there for me. I wanted in some way to reconnect with myself. Being at the U was some of the greatest time in my life. I found myself. I found confidence. I realized that I liked myself. I just wanted to go back and remember some of the feelings I had while I was there to give me strength in my new life.
As we sat at the orientation, I had the strangest feeling. It was so strong, I felt like I would throw up. It wasn't a positive thing, but it's not like it was a bad thing either. I kept thinking of the movie Back to the Future when there are two Martys running around and he has to be careful not to run into himself. I imagined that what I was feeling would be like sensing a past or future self without really knowing they were present. The memories, the places, it was all so vivid, it was like I could reach out and touch my past self. She was just through the wall, down the hill, in the next building.
I think I was also sensing possibility. One of my favorite authors is Richard Bach. He often writes of new age thinking and "goes back" to deliver messages to his past selves. He believes (perhaps for real, perhaps just theoretically like I like to think of it) that for every decision we make, we split into several or many alternate selves. It's like multiple dimensions. Every decision you make, you continue to live the life that follows that path. But there are other "yous" that chose the other options and are following those paths. Being at the U was like being in contact with all those alternate paths. If I wouldn't have held back here, if I would have followed that, if something else would have worked out... so many possibilities!
Then we broke from the meeting and went to talk to advisors. The students were grouped by their intended major and by the time Khrys got to her advisor, there was just her and one other guy. We talked to him briefly and he was planning to study Classical Greek because he wants to go into the clergy. He had the kindest eyes. It was exciting! The people you meet at a University are amazing! They are of my tribe, if I can be so bold as to claim it. Smart. Educated. Dreamers. Planners. Doers.
I sat in the lobby while the two of them went in to talk to the advisor. Rayne played on the floor and kissed her baby doll making that sound I sometimes make when I kiss her "mmm-muh!" And that's probably about when it came clear. Then or later as we sat eating the yummy sandwiches I used to buy at the Union and wanted to make sure Khrystine sampled and Rayne ate most her snacks off the floor. My life, where I'm at now, is where I'm at. All those possibilities are entertaining to look at, even now looking back. But I am where I am because it's what I chose and it's what is right and it's MY life.
Things now aren't always what I thought they would look like. There are some things I am really struggling with. But if I can get everyone else's voice out of my head, I think I'm doing okay. I can even say that for the most part, I am happy. Life won't always look like this. Things will change and get better (I hope). For now, I'll just be where I'm at.
It just may be that for the first time since I graduated, I've closed the door on that wonderful experience and am ready to move on holding onto the tangible things it gave me instead of unreal possibilities.

Huh!?!?!?!

Tonight as I went to get in the shower, I felt a bit vulnerable. Rayne and Grandma had gone to bed and Jeff was still at school. I don't like leaving Rayne even long enough to shower if no one is there to get her. But I'm pretty quick at showering when I have to be and I can hear her through the wall. You know how those thoughts enter your mind though and I started being afraid of being home alone with just the three of us. It's not like we could fight anyone off if we had to and I wondered if Grandma left the back door unlocked for Jeff to come home. I thought that if someone came in and robbed us or worse hurt my baby, I would never forgive myself. It would be all my fault.
Okay, moment of rational thinking. It's not totally unreasonable to be concerned and safe. And if something huge and tragic like that happened, you would blame yourself. But this train of thought was interesting to me because I'd spent the day with mom trying to figure out some of my life and as I showered I realized that even if someone mean and evil and horrible were to break into my house and hurt my loved ones, I would still blame myself. It wouldn't, in a way, be the bad guy's fault. I'm the one that didn't protect myself when I know there are people like that out there.
Huh!?!?!?!
Is everything my fault?

Sunny day

I feel like I have had a crazy busy week... but in a good way.
Ben and Melanie have been here and it was SO great seeing them. I love them so much and it's so fun seeing their kids and how they are growing.
Last Sunday we finally got Rayne blessed. It was such a happy and uplifting day for me. I have felt happy and calmed all week long.
This week we also got Jeff finally officially enrolled in school. This is the first time he actually seems happy and excited about it. We've both said that even if he doesn't like it, he just has to stick with it this time. I'm hoping that this will be the time it will click. I feel like there have been some answered prayers in getting this all taken care of and even making it possible so here's hoping. He's also been working for three weeks now at a seasonal tax job. It's hard, he's up at 4 everyday for work, but it's felt like a positive thing and he likes it there.
I feel like I am really putting in extra effort to be a "good" wife and mother. I want to support Jeff in working and school and I still am so fascinated by my baby. She is over 10 months old now! The time is flying by. She crawls all over the house and is starting to get really uninhibited. My only real complaint (haha :) is that she crawls all over the bed when I change her diaper. It takes like 15 minutes to get it done and ends with me tackling her and trying to pin her down. She is also bound and determined to dive off the edge of the bed so I am getting lots of exercise running around it catching her.
I'm wishing this was a better more thought out post but I'm trying to keep my goal of posting more often. The last day or two haven't been as good as the first of this week and I've been a bit down about a few things. So, it's good to remember the good stuff and feel like I'm catching up a bit. Rayne and Jeff are both sleeping and it's really weird for ME to be the one awake... I better go join them! We're still not sleeping through the night, but I think we are getting better... maybe.

Feb 12 Journal entry

Recently I watched a reality show about a woman having her 19th baby. The baby was delivered early because of complications. Not even 1 1/2 pounds, the show focused on some of the struggles of the family, parents, and baby. As a new mom recently having gone through a pregnancy and delivery, I felt I could relate in a whole new way. I cried for this mother and baby, empathizing in some way with the fear and prayers she would be experiencing. I also cried in extreme gratitude for my healthy, beautiful baby and that things were always so normal.

Beginning a couple months before Rayne was born, we moved in with Jeff's dad's family. If I'm honest, which is hard even with myself, I was miserable. There were things that made it NOT a good situation. Then happened some things that deeply affected mine and Jeff's relationship that were really bad. In retrospect, I don't know why I put up with or endured any of it. Was I so weak that I allowed myself to be treated that way in fear of losing this relationship? If I could allow myself to be treated this way, it didn't say much about me or the relationship to make it worth saving. I've even felt great regret that I would take my baby home to a place, to a life, that felt like that. I've wondered if I can forgive myself for doing that. And I've feared that when I remember the precious experience of my first baby, instead of the sweet thing it was, I'll remember all the trials and bad stuff.

Tonight I prayed a bit about this, not even knowing what to say. As I sang primary songs and held Rayne and put her to bed, the thought came to me that not all births are perfect. Like the mother in the t.v. show, sometimes all we can do is pray. In a sense, we had our own trials and struggles to get through. And we did.

I will try to remember the awesomeness of Rayne's birth. What it felt like to see her the first time, the complete peace and happiness I felt the first days at the hospital. I will remember our walks, singing songs and looking at trees. I will focus on the way she'd look at me and study me and when she learned to smile. I will especially remember our October in Lake Point and her two sweaters and purple hat and the long walks and running up and down the halls and that things finally were okay again.

And then... I'll just keep trying to be stronger and make things better.

Before and After

When I had my own apartment, with free basic cable, I would often spend several hours on Saturday watching Law and Order. I especially liked SVU. I liked seeing the bad guys get caught and I liked seeing intelligent people on t.v. (I should clarify, I would do other things while watching, not a complete couch potato!).
Eventually, I guess I got bored or got my fill because I didn't watch as often, but then I got pregnant. I always felt like I was sensitive to the crude, violent, mean, loud, obscene, etc etc. But being pregnant and feeling this little spirit, this innocent little life so fresh from heaven intensified the sensitivity. I just could not tolerate ANYTHING. Even Law and Order was too much to handle.
I also used to have a guilty pleasure, when the mood struck, of enjoying shows on the Disney channel and things like Full House and 7th Heaven.
Well, the other day, I turned on 7th Heaven just to have something on while Rayne was playing. It seemed like a nice mellow thing to be watching. Okay, and I was having a guilty pleasure day. But guess what? I REALLY enjoyed it this day. Some channel was having a marathon or something and I watched several episodes while Rayne played. I felt so uplifted. I enjoyed, not just in my silly, embarrassed to admit it way, the purity of it, the values, and yes, even the complete sap and corniness :)
Then, another day, we rented the movie My Sister's Keeper. I thought it was really well done. It's about a girl who is genetically engineered to be a match for her older sister who has cancer. But it was actually about a lot more than that. It was SO depressing and sad but also, I think, had a good message and a bit of uplifting thoughts. Watching it as a mother, I'm sure, was SO different than it would have been seeing it before I had a daughter. Some things, I could barely stand to watch or think about because I now KNOW what it's like to have a child. I could relate to the decisions being made in a whole new way.
We also watched the episode of 19 Kids and Counting when the 19th baby is born and the mother is having a lot of complications and is only about 6 months pregnant. I could have imagined and sympathized with it before and cried, but sitting there holding my sleeping baby... whoa! Life is a different place now.
(P.S. Maybe I am a couch potato?)

Comfort in the Blogosphere

I am determined to get back to blogs. I have spent some time on facebook and it's SO impersonal. I reconnected with a few people I really missed, but I've lost those of you here that really count :) And, Emily, didn't you once send me your facebook? and I couldn't get on at work or something? Well, now I'm there and not even finding you yet! So, what's the point? It's also got me friending people who are rude to me or to each other through me. What's up with that!? So, I want to avoid it a bit for a while. And I really miss the intimacy of blogging.

Life is still going on for me. Rayne will be 9 months old this Saturday! NINE MONTHS! I can't believe it. This last month has felt huge. She's been rolling all over the place- I can barely get her diaper changed. And she scoots all over her grandma's kitchen on a slick floor in her walker. Her two teeth are adorable and I think she's trying for more. She "talks" and interacts with us A LOT. She's just awesome.

Jeff is still unemployed. He worked at a temp job last year at this time at the tax commission (where his mom works). He's hoping to do that again, being someone they know and liked and given that the people they hire first are people who are returning. BUT, his mom says they have a new program, are cutting the temp budget, and last she heard they are only taking on like 10 people for the season. Oh well.
At least our finances are doing better and we are now living at his grandma's, which is a lot more peaceful than where we were. We've been at his mom's for the last 2 weeks while they were out of town and while grandma gets her water heater replaced. His mom lives in Lake Point, which I think I've talked about before. It's too cold to take walks, but I quite like it out here.

I have been feeling more productive lately, mostly meaning I feel like I could or should be doing more, not that I'm actually doing anything. I keep thinking I'm going to have to find some work but when I think of it in terms of leaving my baby, I still don't think she or I am ready for that.

And as expected, this is scattered and I have to go... but it's a start :)