Recently I watched a reality show about a woman having her 19th baby. The baby was delivered early because of complications. Not even 1 1/2 pounds, the show focused on some of the struggles of the family, parents, and baby. As a new mom recently having gone through a pregnancy and delivery, I felt I could relate in a whole new way. I cried for this mother and baby, empathizing in some way with the fear and prayers she would be experiencing. I also cried in extreme gratitude for my healthy, beautiful baby and that things were always so normal.
Beginning a couple months before Rayne was born, we moved in with Jeff's dad's family. If I'm honest, which is hard even with myself, I was miserable. There were things that made it NOT a good situation. Then happened some things that deeply affected mine and Jeff's relationship that were really bad. In retrospect, I don't know why I put up with or endured any of it. Was I so weak that I allowed myself to be treated that way in fear of losing this relationship? If I could allow myself to be treated this way, it didn't say much about me or the relationship to make it worth saving. I've even felt great regret that I would take my baby home to a place, to a life, that felt like that. I've wondered if I can forgive myself for doing that. And I've feared that when I remember the precious experience of my first baby, instead of the sweet thing it was, I'll remember all the trials and bad stuff.
Tonight I prayed a bit about this, not even knowing what to say. As I sang primary songs and held Rayne and put her to bed, the thought came to me that not all births are perfect. Like the mother in the t.v. show, sometimes all we can do is pray. In a sense, we had our own trials and struggles to get through. And we did.
I will try to remember the awesomeness of Rayne's birth. What it felt like to see her the first time, the complete peace and happiness I felt the first days at the hospital. I will remember our walks, singing songs and looking at trees. I will focus on the way she'd look at me and study me and when she learned to smile. I will especially remember our October in Lake Point and her two sweaters and purple hat and the long walks and running up and down the halls and that things finally were okay again.
And then... I'll just keep trying to be stronger and make things better.
5 comments:
This is a beautiful post and you are a beautiful woman. I don't know what happened, but I feel for you, and I think our situations are very similar because our trials seem to mirror each other. I know we are friends for a reason. If you need someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to call or write. I should give you my phone number! Heavenly Father loves you and your precious baby. Things may be difficult, but He loves and supports you.
You'll never be alone. God made sure there are plenty of us for that.
I commend your faith and agree with where you have sought council.
I love you and I'm here too if ever you need me.
Sometimes I thing being the weak one who is not fighting or yelling takes the most strength and courage of all. It certainly isn't easy to be going on nothing but faith. You have done very well with all this. And you've been stronger than you realize in seeing it through. This will surprise you sometime when you see that you are stronger than you were.
The new picture is just beautiful. I love how the sun shines in it so brightly. I was just checking just now to see if you had blogged anything new and had to say.. the new picture is really nice.
Thank you all for your comments. I don't know why I felt a need to post this. It felt like the most real and honest journal entry I've written for a long time. I guess I just needed to put it out there, to get it out of my head and to feel like someone cares... Thanks for caring!
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