Different

Last night I lay in bed going through all the things I don't admit about myself. Things that have happened, thoughts that I've had, things that I've done. I'm not an honest person with myself. I would argue that honest is a bit heavy of a word, it's more like I'm censored- even in my own thoughts and views of myself. I'm always trying to do the right thing, think the right way, say the right thing in the right way.
At first it was too uncomfortable to look at some things- I wanted to pray, "can't you just change it? make it so it never happened?" But then I found myself saying, no. Look at it. This is you, this is your life, just own it.
I don't mean to sound melodramatic or like I have these big secrets I'm hiding (see, here I go, explaining myself, editing, "it's not so bad"- but it's really not). But this felt like a life changing moment to me. No more hiding. No more faking it. No more appearances.
I started to think of how I was in high school, the things I did and didn't do. I realize that I was trying to be invisible. Even the ways I chose to step into my own sort of spotlight, were, in a sense, calculated to hide me. Get the good grades, hang with the right people, take a chance and join the club. Still just hiding.
I thought of who my husband is to me, what he does for me and imagined what it would have been like if I would have dated him in high school, if I would have had that friend. Things would have been different. I would have been different.
My mom has told me that you can go back and in your mind reset an event, change what happened in your mind, act it out the way you wish it would have happened, in order to change your perception of it. This kind of happened last night. By thinking of having someone there for me, someone that made it safe to admit everything that was around me and in me and I was going through, and seeing that I could have been different, made it feel possible to be different now. And the thing is, it's not different like change yourself and get a make over. It's different as in now I can be real. Now I don't have to be "different" than who I am.

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow?

My mother has said that she is a completely different person now than she was twenty years ago. We change as we grow through life. Sure, we may basically be the same person- morals, values, whatever. Even the same personality. My mother, to me, is the same as she's been my whole life. But maybe that's not HER, that's our relationship.


Anyway, I just wonder why I worry so much about planning everything exactly right, when I know it's all going to be different anyway. Even who I am. I'm a lot different than I was five or ten years ago and definitely different than I was in high school. I feel like I'm trying to make decisions and plans now to last my whole life, when really, when I get there, it's going to be... who knows what?



So probably the wisest thing is to look at where I am. What needs to happen at this time in my life? What is happening and what should I enjoy and do and be? It's always good to look forward and be aware of the future, plan ahead a bit. But I do get too caught up, TOO FAR AHEAD of myself.

Sometimes I kind of wish I wasn't a smart person. I don't often feel smart, but I feel labeled that way. Maybe it would be nice to not have a college degree I feel compelled to live up to. Maybe it would be nice to realize that I'll never make more money than x-dollars so I don't have to worry about it. I don't have to feel like I HAVE to. I always feel like I need to be doing more, that where I'm at isn't enough, that I have to have all the answers and not make any mistakes.

Selfish

I have been reading "Fountainhead" by Ayn Rand and it is so thought provoking. I don't feel smart enough to talk about it but it is definitely one that needs discussion.


Last night I read a part where a guy was saying how hard it is to do what we truly want to do. He had been very successful and popular within his field but was always doing it to impress somebody. He walked away from the one or two things he ever truly wanted.


A couple other characters had quite a discussion about what it means to be selfish. One guy used an example of someone who does what everyone else expects and people think he's selfish and self absorbed because he does it all for the fame and glory of it. But, this character points out, there is no self in that. It's not an expression of him so in fact it is very self less. He kinda talked about the rightness of being selfish- of doing in fact what we want to do.


A few weeks back, I determined, again, that I want to be a teacher. It really has felt for the first time since I got out of high school like there's nothing inside holding me back- no fear, no rationalizing, no divided paths and wondering what else I could do. Today I got an email about a scholarship thing I was looking into- they'll pay people to go to school to become math teachers if they are willing to teach in rural areas, where it's hard to get people to come. It sounds perfect. I'd love to live in a small town and be a math teacher. The email said they have nothing to offer me right now. The school I've been looking into is an online thing and I get about a million emails a day from them. I finally responded to one last week asking some financial questions and I have not heard back. It's very discouraging.


But, in the last couple weeks, I also read an article on the internet about how bad it is for women to put off having babies for too long. This is not something I thought I would do. When I was sixteen, I probably thought I'd have ten kids by this age! But with the reality of it here, looking at me and my husband and where we're at, having them very soon doesn't seem even possible. The article scared me though. This was the day I looked over at Mel's blog and was happily reminded of what it is I really want to be doing. I've been thinking a lot of babies in the last week.


This makes me think of schooling- my own and teaching- and wonder if it even makes sense to take on student teaching and my first year of teaching with morning sickness. And is it wise to take on more debt right when I'd want to be quitting work to be home with the babies? Wouldn't that insure it as an impossibility-being able to be home with them? Perhaps the wise choice would be to keep plugging along at my work- we at least aren't going into MORE debt, even if the rise out is slow.


The frustrating thing is, to those of you who know me and have talked really personally with me over the years, it sounds like the same old indecisive me and I HATE that! But it FEELS so different. I don't feel like I"m making excuses or trying to out guess the future etc like I always do and it's the way I think. I feel like I'm really trying to come to some conclusions. I'm really trying to make some good, right and smart choices. And even more frustrating, as usual, is that I would even care what it looks like to anyone else- like I'm bugging people by my same old talking. And even more frustrating than that is, WHAT I WANT!


I read the book last night and I feel a stirring inside. I feel like I'm a smart person, that I can "get" what this philosophy is trying to tell me. I'm not just another run of the mill person who's going to be happy in my mundane life because I don't know any better. I AM BETTER THAN THAT! I am capable of doing exactly what I want. I'm even, despite my actions to the contrary, capable of knowing what I want. And I feel, like the book says, it's the hardest thing in the world to be truly selfish and do exactly what you want.


And then there's this other person. The love of my life, my best friend, the guy I want to spend my whole life and forever with and share everything with. Falling in love was so easy. Getting married and committing myself to him was so easy. But now what? And how do we make OUR life out of his and mine? I sometimes find myself afraid of talking about what I want with him, because if he says no, it almost feels more definite than if God says it. I don't want to be afraid of him. I don't want to hold back because of all my stupid insecurities. But that's not really the point... It's just that it's not just me anymore. There are two of us and more to come and how do I assert myself, something I've never been capable of anyway, and take into account all that he is? I can't go to Alaska and raise sled dogs if he's allergic to snow.

Turn That Frown Upside Down

"When you walked in,

I said with a grin,

We were just talking about you.

We all had to lie,

Because you would cry,

If you knew we were laughing at you...



Come on now now, come on now now, Enjoy the humor of the situation."
~BNL


The other day, playing with my husband, he said to just enjoy it. It's not that I wasn't having fun, it's that even in playing a game, I am so concerned about looking stupid or what the other person is thinking or feeling. When he said it, I realized that I COULD have just relaxed and enjoyed it- it was just him and me. So why didn't I?

Last night I went out with my mom and sister. We went to the fabric store because they were having a great sale and out to eat Chinese food- yum! I was excited to see them and wanted to talk about fabric and hair and clothes and boys. We ended up spending the whole time talking about several "relations" that are going through a tough time right now. This was fine, I guess, people need to clear their minds and figure out what they can and can't do for these people. But it was so depressing! Some of the people, you feel sorry for them. They really do seem like helpless children caught in a big mean world. Other people, I just want to scream that I don't care because they get what they deserve (how Christian am I?).

I went home and cuddled with my husband and all the bad feelings started to go away. I slept okay last night and felt okay when I woke up. My hubby needed a ride home from work this morning so I went to get him. The traffic was awful. I stopped to get gas at a Maverick that was as crowded as the gift shops in Disneyland. Then I couldn't get out and turned the right way to get to his work, it was getting late and I started to worry that I'd be late for work. I was so frustrated and I WANTED to be mad and grumpy about it.

When I got to Jeff, he got in the car and was holding a very brightly multi-colored toy stuffed chicken. His sister in law works at the same place he does and she brought it for him from his mom. Apparenlty, Jeff and his OLDER brother have been fighting over this chicken for years. Jeff won it out of one of those claw grabber games at an arcade but it was on his brother's dollar so they both felt they had claims to it. On the way home, Jeff made all kinds of silly chicken jokes and gave his chicken a real big hug before making me also hug the chicken.

The other day I went grocery shopping. It was hot and I was tired and when I got to my car I was trying to hurry so fast to get the groceries in the trunk. It dawned on me so obviously that the reason I hate grocery shopping is I go and try to not spend any money or time doing it. What I need to realize is that every other week, we run out of food and this is what it costs to buy it and this is how long it takes. So just relax. It's just life. Somehow that made me feel much better. I s-l-o-w-l-y put stuff in the trunk and went home. Life's not so hard.

I'm not sure what my point in all this is. Last night I kept thinking I came to some very clear conclusions about my responsibility and my feelings about my life and everyone else's.

I think I'm just saying I've decided to be happy. Laugh at the situation. You can only do so much for people. It's okay to have your own priorities. And just slow down. Life isn't so hard. Now, go hug a chicken.

It's been too long since I complained

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19263093/site/newsweek/

I just read an article about a new diet drug that keeps your body from absorbing the fat in your food. Oh yeah, be sure to take vitamins because it also prevents you absorbing some of those. The key to the pill working for you is to include it with exercise and a healthy diet. Well, duh... isn't that where you should start? If you do happen to eat more than the recommended amount of fat in one sitting, the article suggests, you may want to have a change of clothes with you because the most problematic side effect is... I can't even say the words... anal leakage.

I'm hoping that the link will include the same advertisements I saw while reading the article because they are the ones I talked about saying do something good for your daughter- keep her from getting genital warts and cervical cancer- not by teaching her to wait to have sex until she gets married, but by giving her this shot. You too can be one less.

I found this just after seeing a picture of the late Anna Nicole Smith. She looked like a monster. Really. The make-up, the look on her face (I think she was smiling?), the hair. It was, somehow, deformed. The other day I happened across the worst pictures of Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen. I thought they were cute, more innocent looking young girls. I don't hear stories of them out doing the Paris and Lohan stuff. One of them had an open collar and you could see her collar bones- her poor head looked so heavy on such a tiny neck. They both had on gobs of make-up and again, the only word I can think of is deformed.

There was also an article debating whether it's better for parents to let their kids drink, where they can control it and teach them to be responsible, or to insist that it's... gee, against the law? to say the least, unhealthy, REALLY bad for still growing brains... knowing that the kid will go out and drink anyway.

I guess the important thing in our society is to be skinny and we just need to realize that kids are going to drink and have sex. So, why try to uphold any morals? That's just old fashioned. Why not be hip and up to date and "realistic" and teach our children to be "smart" in their vices?

I always feel like I'm so judgemental or something when I talk about these things- like I might offend someone. I feel frustrated because I just can't express how deeply it actually pains me to know these things are out there. Seriously, these things make me want to cry.

I like to think that I'm a loving enough person that if my teenage kid told me they were going to have sex whether I wanted them to or not, I would say, you know what I think and if this is the decision you're going to make then I will do what I need to to protect you from the gross stuff and disease and pregnancy. Or if they called me for a ride because they or their friend was too drunk to drive home, I would say I was glad they were smart enough to do that.

But what about the rest of it? How do you teach your kids that this stuff just isn't acceptable? That even if the whole world is doing it, we don't. It's not who we are. It's not what we believe in.

Dr Dr

Have you noticed that the commercials for prescription drugs now say talk to your "prescriber?" I thought it was weird that they advertise the drugs so much and now this...

Paris vs. Star Valley

Paris Hilton is on her way back to jail. Cheer. Why do I care? I keep looking to see what happens next in the story. I'm curious to see how it plays out. I'm interested in how people react and in the cause and effect of life.

I'm also bored. Even when I'm busy at work, it's nice to have something distracting once in a while. I look at the newspaper- little blurbs about not much. I look at other articles that catch my eye on the internet. I click and click and click on people's blogs and in and out of my email to no avail or rarely. So, keeping up on Paris is about all I have to look forward to. I know they'll update that as soon as they can.

But, like the rest of the world who comments on the pages, it kinda makes me sick that we care and follow these stories and people so much. I think I get down more often now just because I spend so much time reading about people like Paris.

In contrast, I just read Mudder Bear's blog about Star Valley and I can see the place in my mind and my whole body relaxes. I immediately and without effort imagine kids and family and warm drinks on a cool front porch. Aaaah. I wrote previously about Mel and a friend's blogs and their husbands and babies and that it helped me believe that life is good and possible.

How do I get more Star Valley in my life and less Paris when I'm sitting in an office of hectic people with deadlines and pressing commitments? How do I escape? Or, better thought, how do I create that life...

New Heroes

Today I read an article on the internet about why women put off having babies. I didn't go looking for it, it was just sitting there on my MSN home page. It pointed out that it's not such a great idea to wait until your late 30's and into your 40's. It seems okay because we see women in the media, from Hollywood to the 60 year old mother of twins, who are doing it. This article claims that what we don't see is what they go through to do it- the thousands of dollars they put into fertility treatments etc. It points out that these are the exceptions to the rules and that women today are told we can do it all, but when they put off having babies, they often get to the point they're ready to start, only to find out they can't. It's false advertising.

Today I also got on Benny's blog and linked over to a friend of his that's left comments that I like. I feel like it's rude to go and read someone else's personal thoughts when you don't know them, but I really needed something to read. This girl talked about her life and newly started family, some of her joys and concerns. Her blog led me back to Mel's blog and pictures of little Eddie.

Melanie and friend are doing things right. They are giving everything to these two beautiful little boys. What more could they be doing! Giving this little person all he needs, nourishing not just his body but his spirit and emotions, and teaching him how to get along in the big bad world. I so admire the both of you and thank you for being an example to me that while it's not easy- especially, I'm assuming, financially- it is possible. You are doing it! There are so few people I have to look at and say it's possible. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences and letting me "butt into" your life. And also to husbands that are doing it right as well.

Saying Good-bye

I have some friends I've known forever. I like chatting with them through email, but that's about as far as it goes. Hanging out with them takes too much energy and doesn't give enough back. I don't value their advice or really care much for their opinions. I care enough about them to listen to their stories of life's drama, but not really enough to do much to help them with it.

I don't really know why I hang onto them. There's no real reason to let go I guess. It's nice to have friends at that level. I don't suppose I'll ever purposely and definitively say good bye.

But let's say I wanted to? Is it really so bad to let go of people, even if they've been there forever and you don't have a good reason to? Perhaps it would be like cleaning the closet- clear out the clutter.

I'm thinking of it all in the same context as letting go of parts of myself. I've felt a real change stirring inside lately like I'm just on the brink of something good. Could be I just got married and THAT was the something good. But I feel like I'm about to take the next step or I feel settled now on the new path from the step I just took.

The thing is, it's easier for me to think of letting go of old friends than it is of letting go of things about myself- some things I've always been but never even wanted to be. And in a way it is the same thing- it's all about relationships. How do I relate to old friends? How do I relate to myself? How do other people relate to me?

Last night my husband said something about me wanting to be a jerk. I said, sometimes I do. I generally believe in being nice to people. One thing I hate more than anything is people who are mean or critical of others, especially when there's no real reason to be. I can't tolerate someone just being a jerk because they are so caught up in themself. But sometimes I wish I could be just enough of a jerk to not care what people think or to stick up for myself or even just speak up. And to me, those things do make me feel like a jerk and that's why I don't do them even when I've talked myself into it. What really would be so bad about changing or saying goodbye to the part of myself that holds back and won't be a jerk?

I like to think that I would be strong enough to say goodbye to a friend that was always critical and looking on the bad side of things. If every time I told this person something I was excited about they told me why I couldn't do it and what's wrong with me for thinking that I could, I hope I would have the courage to say goodbye. So why can't I do that to the part of myself that responds that way when I want to do something?

It's funny, as I write this I'm having this feeling of letting go and yet what I'm really thinking of is embracing who I really am. It's like in order to become the butterfly, I have to let go of the cocoon. But it's not even that real and tangible. I'm thinking of things I've always liked but never really said I LIKE THIS. Things I've wanted to do but never really said I WANT THIS. Those things feel safe now. But there's something I have to let go of first...

What is it?

I'm not sure if this will go where I'm thinking or if I just remember this and have to blog about it so I'll try to make it fit in. Yesterday I read a newspaper article (just the local paper) about a "prophecy" in the Mormon church that is starting to be talked about with Mitt Romney trying to run for president. The prophecy says that in the last days the Constitution will hang by a thread and the priesthood will come in to save it -that's the way I heard it; in the article there were several variations. I really thought that I had been taught that as being a true thing- somewhere, never read it in the scriptures or anything. According to the article, any president of the church who has been asked, says that it has no doctrinal foundation. It's just a myth. (If anyone knows different, let me know. The way the article was written, it seemed pretty credible).

It was strange in a way to hear that something you'd thought someone you believed had told you was true, wasn't. But the weird thing was, I felt a sense of relief. I'm not sure how to explain it. I felt like, see you don't have to believe everything anyone, even in authority, has ever told you. Listen to yourself- read it yourself.

And in a way, that "explains" whatever this is I'm trying to let go of. I want to say goodbye to old friends because that's not who I am anymore. I want to say goodbye to reactions, behaviors, thoughts I have only because I've always had them- like I'm just trying to please everyone- and not because it's really who I am.

Please everyone. That's it. I told my hubby the other night that maybe I walk around in this sad mopey state all the time and I don't even realize it. He asked why that would be. My first gut reaction was "well hell! I've lived my whole life for everybody else. I don't even know what I want or like or who I am." (I didn't say the H word). And the thing is, that's not true. I have a lot of feeling like I've lived for everyone else- tried to please everyone and avoid conflict- to the point I FEEL like I don't know who I am. BUT, I DO know who I am. I just don't let it out. And that's what I have to let go of.

I don't need to start saying what I want, I need to let go of what keeps me from doing so. I don't need to figure out who I am and what I like, I need to let go of what keeps me from expressing it.
It is like old friends that I just keep hanging onto without them serving any real purpose. I never really chose you, you just became a part of me. You helped me through junior high and adolescence, but I don't really need anything from you anymore. You're more of an amusement, perhaps a nuisance, than anything anymore. I have to say goodbye.

The Question for the Last 12 Years

My whole life, I wanted to be a teacher. My first grade teacher was so pretty and so kind. She wore shoes that clicked on the hallway floors and she'd roll the chalk between her hands so it clinked on her rings. She gave us the chance to earn prizes and one I got was a red pen.

In third grade, our teacher had the back of the room divided into centers. She had short book cases forming a little library. She had roll around chalkboards and tables forming a study center. I loved writing on the chalkboards.

In fifth grade I made a model (what do they call those? Is that what a panorama is?) of Kelsey's Art Studio, complete with the name written on graph paper tiled floor and toothpick easles.

By ninth grade I was falling in love with math and my high school math teacher (I had him all four years) was so good for me. I had friends who didn't like the way he taught, but he encouraged me. In 11th grade I was the only girl in the class and he would make comments on me doing the best or scholarships for women in mathematics.

By the time I graduated from high school, I felt like college was a career path. That's all anyone told me it was. I wanted to be a teacher, but even more so, I wanted to be a mother. In this culture, it wasn't strange for me to believe, and hope, that my next big step would be marriage and if I didn't have kids by the time I was 22, it would be too late.

I delayed college for a while and when I finally started, I had my altruistic views in place (is that the right use of that word?) I was going to college for the love of learning and to better myself. That's exactly what college was. When it came time to REALLY choose my major, I was back to math, never really having left it. I had two options. I could be a teaching major who specialized in math or I could be a math major. Taking the teaching road ultimately felt divided. I couldn't really focus on math and get a solid foundation. I wanted the challenge of really doing mathematics, where the starting off point is Calculus, a subject most find the epitome of nerdom and above and beyond all. So that's what I did.

It was the greatest thing in my life. I know that sounds kind of selfish or heartless, being that I'm now married and pride myself on my involvement with three amazing kids. But the thing is, I wouldn't be who I was today without my college experiences. I wouldn't be confident enough to love another person had I not grown into myself.

After graduating, I was sad to discover that the teaching thing would require another two years of schooling. It felt like, career wise, I hadn't accomplished enough even after my greatest achievement. Besides that, the education department was a mess and couldn't even tell me what to do AND I'd had a unique opportunity in college to do a great deal of "teaching." Didn't that mean anything?

Eventually, I found a job teaching at a career college. It was a success. I quickly moved into teaching ALL the math classes and even had students refusing to take math unless they could take it from me. And, as fate would have it, this is where I met my husband. I often complained about different aspects of my job and dealing with different people. But over all, I liked it. I "blossomed." (Just had to throw in a silly thing as I feel like I'm tooting my own horn a lot here).

I put in a good four years. Unfortunately, the type of school this was meant constant changes. Every year, give or take a few months, we had new administration- ie, I had a new boss. Finally one came that didn't see a need for the math classes. One class I taught was a pre-requisite for the required course. This guy decided there was no point in that, even though I would guess 95% of the students needed the course. He also decided we didn't need to offer as many options for times. In the end, there were two classes offered. I was out of a job.

Last year was a rough year as far as jobs and finances for me. I just couldn't find what to do next. I spent the summer working at a day care because I thought it would at least keep me going with the teaching/giving thing. It was a horrible, defeating experience. Finally I found the job I'm at, with a little help with familial connections, and I've settled. I can pay the bills, I feel okay going to work everyday, and life goes on. It's been a good job for not stressing and allowing me flexibility to plan weddings and get and be married.

But lately, the wheels are turning again.

It's the same struggle I've had since I was 18. I want to be a mom but in the mean time, do I have the courage to be a teacher? I miss knowing what I'm talking about. I miss the joy of explaining hard mathematical concepts and having people finally grasp them. I miss my shoes clacking in the hallway, red pens grading papers, and writing on the board. I miss caring whether people pass or fail, what their ultimate goals are, and how they feel not just about the subject, but about themselves and their schooling and life.

I've thought lately that it would be responsible of me to get licensed to teach. I don't want to work when I have kids, but if I had to... or later on... or... Teaching is a good mom job. One thing that has made me hesitate before is that even having one other person in my life is emotionally a lot to give to. Teaching isn't just a job, it's a title and a position; perhaps teaching would be too emotionally draining to be a wife and a mother too. But then there's holidays and summer vacation... teaching would allow me to be home with the kids. And when they are older, I would have the same schedule as they do. I think a 15 year old needs just as much or more for his mother to be there when he comes home or has a day off. Someone for him to check in to.

The other night things were bouncing around my head like crazy. It started out good- thinking of possibilities, but pretty soon was overwhelming. Finally I said, well just pretend! and those words helped so much. I pretended I was teacher, not thinking of all the obstacles and what ifs. I imagined it like I always have and felt excited. The last couple weeks, I've wanted it like I haven't wanted it since I was 16- with possibility and excitement and hope.

It's hard not to have my fears and reservations about it too. But I asked my sister in law, who's done the teaching thing, if I should just get over those or if they would be my downfall. She so goodly said, just do it. It doesn't have to be forever.

This got me thinking. Perhaps I could do it now for only a year or two before I start having babies. Maybe that would be all I would do. Maybe I'd go through the stuff to get licensed and not use it for another 10 or 15 years because I'd be home with the kids. But whatever happens, I'd have it. It would be a smart choice. I usually don't think that way. I usually think of everything in one jumbled mess trying to see the whole grand plan.

And I've wanted it.