I've listened to the Christian radio station a bit more again lately. For a few days I seemed to click on it at the same time during my drive to work and they were playing the same clip from a previous show.
The morning DJs are a married couple who I think adopted a daughter somewhat recently. They've had the little girl on there before talking about her toys or whatever. Well, now it's time for the little girl to go to pre-school (maybe it's kindergarten, but I think only pre-school). The clip starts with the dad saying something like "That's it! Just take her out of school right now!" in his smooth, calm voice. Then it has the mom on the phone saying "I just dropped her off for school and as she's walking up the stairs and some little boy comes up and says hi and they hold hands and walk in together!" in her squeaky, pretend freak out voice. The parents, apparently, are appalled but kind of in an isn't that cute way.
This drives me nuts!!! Okay, the kids are in pre-school, so holding hands is something they probably do all the time- with mom and dad, siblings, teachers and nannies, and their friends. It's NOT a sign or symptom of immorality. Secondly, even if the kids are like "this is my boyfriend" or have that way of thinking, holding hands is SO innocent. If it's not, I'm pretty sure it's the parents' fault for letting the kid know there is any more than that out there. Kids just don't have those hormones etc. driving their behavior. Even "playing naughty," I think, is pretty innocently and curiously driven and should be handled with care.
As I thought about this and how much it bugged me (as I said, I had to hear it for a few days in a row) I remembered when I was in 3rd grade, one day I spent the afternoon talking to and working with a kid on something. For this reason alone, I decided he was cute so I asked him to be my boyfriend. He said he had to ask his mom. This was probably a Friday because I remember it being a few days before he told me he wasn't allowed to have a girlfriend and by that point, I didn't even really care. As a grown up, I think it's kind of silly that the mom would care. I also understand the mom's need to teach the kid what is right etc. I'm just saying, it really was harmless.
I had a friend in college who had a 2 year old daughter. The daughter had a tank top she loved to wear. The mom, hoping to instill modesty in her daughter from the beginning, wouldn't let her wear it without a shirt underneath it. Again, I get it, but also again, it seems pretty silly to me. She's two! She probably still has to have help going to the bathroom. I think the modesty thing will come in time.
Another time on the radio station they had the little girl on the show talking about her dolls. They're some kind of Christian faith dolls that come with story books about values. As they talked about them incessantly, they sounded like the "righteous" version of the American Girl dolls my sister had when she was little. I think the American Girl dolls are beautiful and high quality. Each one is a character based at a certain time in history and her books tell stories to teach kids what was going on at that time period- slavery, the Great Depression, etc.
The radio station seemed to refer to the "other" dolls, the "secular" dolls as if they were sub par. The Christian dolls were so much better because they focus on things that really matter. Okay great, but doesn't history and society and education matter too?
Friday, September 26, 2008
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Complain complain
If I don't complain, you won't know it's hard or appreciate what I'm doing or be willing to help me. I'll just go along doing what I do, struggling inside, with everyone oblivious to what I feel. In a way, complaining is my way of sticking up for myself. Not for glory/recognition, but so that I won't get lost and taken for granted and forgotten.
Lately, I've been noticing how much Jeff's mom does for him and his brother (and by extension me and his brother's family). She keeps giving and being there and going and going. I think this says a lot about her as a person and as a mother. As a mother, you want to give all you can and help your children. I think as women we naturally try to keep people from hurting, needing, even wanting. It's part of our nurturing. But my concern lately is that all she does goes unappreciated and starts to be expected.
If mom takes care of everything, you don't learn to take care of yourself.
If mom takes care of everything, you might not appreciate your spouse because you think it's just how things get done. You don't realize that it's hard to come home from work and cook the dinner or take care of the dog. You don't know that it's not fun to clean the toilet and do the laundry. You don't know that it's a gift or an acknowledgement of you when your spouse stays up playing games with you rather than crashing into bed of exhaustion.
It goes both ways. Do I appreciate you and all you do and give and are?
I'm determined to be strong and brave. I am determined that I won't eat a lot and be fat, lazy and ornery just "because I can," I have an excuse now. But that is getting harder everyday.
I don't want to be crude, but this is the best example I have to try to make my point. Perhaps I'll delete it after typing it. When I hit puberty, my biggest fear was anyone knowing when I was dealing with girly stuff. A bigger fear than that was getting married and not only sharing a room with someone, but a bed with someone you want to cuddle and snuggle with. To my surprise and happiness, it has not been a big deal at all.
That said, there are times when I've felt just gross and disgusting and like "stay away from me." I've realized in some of those moments, I'm insisting on feeling that way because really I hope that he'll hug me and tell me he loves me and wants to hold me anyway. I've also realized that it's my insistence, not his grossed out-ness, that keeps that from happening. One day it dawned on me that he's a boy. He has no way to relate to what's happening to me. It's up to ME to tell HIM that it's normal and fine and not gross or anything to be afraid of. This is hard for me to do.
It's hard for me to tell him that I've had a hard day at work and I need something.
It's hard for me to tell him I need help with all my "housewife" duties when I have to do them on top of working etc. And it's not that he takes it for granted, but my point is, I"m teaching him this is my job and "mom/wife" takes care of everything and I'm fine, even when I'm not.
And now, feeling the way I do and facing something completely new and scary and hard, I'm so insistent with myself that I will be strong and not bother him with emotional outbursts and being sick and tired, that again, I'm teaching him that this is how a woman should be treated. This is how I should be treated... like everything is fine and I can do it ALL.
Lately, I've been noticing how much Jeff's mom does for him and his brother (and by extension me and his brother's family). She keeps giving and being there and going and going. I think this says a lot about her as a person and as a mother. As a mother, you want to give all you can and help your children. I think as women we naturally try to keep people from hurting, needing, even wanting. It's part of our nurturing. But my concern lately is that all she does goes unappreciated and starts to be expected.
If mom takes care of everything, you don't learn to take care of yourself.
If mom takes care of everything, you might not appreciate your spouse because you think it's just how things get done. You don't realize that it's hard to come home from work and cook the dinner or take care of the dog. You don't know that it's not fun to clean the toilet and do the laundry. You don't know that it's a gift or an acknowledgement of you when your spouse stays up playing games with you rather than crashing into bed of exhaustion.
It goes both ways. Do I appreciate you and all you do and give and are?
I'm determined to be strong and brave. I am determined that I won't eat a lot and be fat, lazy and ornery just "because I can," I have an excuse now. But that is getting harder everyday.
I don't want to be crude, but this is the best example I have to try to make my point. Perhaps I'll delete it after typing it. When I hit puberty, my biggest fear was anyone knowing when I was dealing with girly stuff. A bigger fear than that was getting married and not only sharing a room with someone, but a bed with someone you want to cuddle and snuggle with. To my surprise and happiness, it has not been a big deal at all.
That said, there are times when I've felt just gross and disgusting and like "stay away from me." I've realized in some of those moments, I'm insisting on feeling that way because really I hope that he'll hug me and tell me he loves me and wants to hold me anyway. I've also realized that it's my insistence, not his grossed out-ness, that keeps that from happening. One day it dawned on me that he's a boy. He has no way to relate to what's happening to me. It's up to ME to tell HIM that it's normal and fine and not gross or anything to be afraid of. This is hard for me to do.
It's hard for me to tell him that I've had a hard day at work and I need something.
It's hard for me to tell him I need help with all my "housewife" duties when I have to do them on top of working etc. And it's not that he takes it for granted, but my point is, I"m teaching him this is my job and "mom/wife" takes care of everything and I'm fine, even when I'm not.
And now, feeling the way I do and facing something completely new and scary and hard, I'm so insistent with myself that I will be strong and not bother him with emotional outbursts and being sick and tired, that again, I'm teaching him that this is how a woman should be treated. This is how I should be treated... like everything is fine and I can do it ALL.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Autumn
Today is the first day of Autumn, according to my calendar at work. It was gray and rainy and cold this morning. I even wore a jacket to work. Isn't it great!?
Friday, September 19, 2008
Friday
Probably as soon as I get logged in, I'll get really busy- I am at work. I honestly don't like it when my last post was a complaining post (I know there are lots!) and it's the most recent post for more than a day or two.
So, just thought I would let you know that this week is going much better. Monday was rough and I honestly wondered how I would survive this. But Tuesday was slow and I was able to get A LOT of work done and felt caught up to myself. This has made the rest of the week so much better. I'm expecting today to be busy, but at 10 a.m., I am just waiting for everyone to arrive at the 10:30 deadline. My morning stuff went really fast today. Yay! Gives me a minute to check out blogs etc before the rush comes.
I don't have much to say I guess. Just trying to have my latest post be a more positive one. I do have another "blog" I'm thinking of opening up. Up to now, I've used it more as a journal. It seems like now may be a good time to "make it public" to my oh so large fan base :) Not that it's that interesting. But, another insight into fabulous me :)
Hahahahahahaha
So, just thought I would let you know that this week is going much better. Monday was rough and I honestly wondered how I would survive this. But Tuesday was slow and I was able to get A LOT of work done and felt caught up to myself. This has made the rest of the week so much better. I'm expecting today to be busy, but at 10 a.m., I am just waiting for everyone to arrive at the 10:30 deadline. My morning stuff went really fast today. Yay! Gives me a minute to check out blogs etc before the rush comes.
I don't have much to say I guess. Just trying to have my latest post be a more positive one. I do have another "blog" I'm thinking of opening up. Up to now, I've used it more as a journal. It seems like now may be a good time to "make it public" to my oh so large fan base :) Not that it's that interesting. But, another insight into fabulous me :)
Hahahahahahaha
Friday, September 12, 2008
What's the title of my blog?
When Jeff lost his job, I was excited to have him home at night. For the first couple weeks, he managed to get on my schedule- he was up during the day and slept at night. But, he kept staying up later and later until eventually he was back to his graveyard schedule. He'd stay up all night and sleep while I was at work, but at least he was up with me in the evenings. He just keeps rotating though. The last couple days he's on a sleep from 1 in the afternoon until whenever and then stay up all night and all day. Today is Friday. He's asleep and I feel lonely. Am I too understanding and not demanding enough? Perhaps.
It's been a really rough week. We have a solicitor that has been giving out gift cards with his orders- not just him, but his whole group of reps. This is okay, we have solicitors that do that, it's part of their sale. But this one didn't know that it had to be approved and regulated by the big boss guy. Basically the big boss guy has to include the amount of the gift card in the price of the order (you can't get nuttin' fur free!) for auditing purposes. This particular solicitor group brings in anywhere from 150 to 300 orders each week. Because of this problem, when it comes to auditing, none of these orders for at least the last three months can be counted as actual circulation which is so important because circulation is how they charge the advertisers which is the real way a newspaper makes any money. (Just to give you an idea, the solicitors are paid up to $40 per order and the customer usually is paying at most $27- it's not the customers' purchases that profit the paper!). This has made a big mess for my job. I've had to come up with all new codes to track orders from here on out, communicate it to my people who actually enter the starts in our system and try to make it as painless for them as possible. I've had to go back through his most recent orders and recalculate everything. And today, in order to fix this problem, my boss brought out 600 orders she'd pulled from our system to have us re-do them in order to make good for the audit. It wasn't too bad a process since they were all in the system already and we just had to change them, but a lot of extra work. Not to mention, EVERYONE was late turning their stuff in today, so what would have been a reasonable load was overwhelming as we pushed for deadline.
I of course have been stressed with bills this week as well- it's payday week and my payday doesn't cover much. I'm a high stress person when it comes to this anyway. I worry so much over it all. This week, I've been especially self critical. I wonder what I'm doing wasting myself at a clerical job that doesn't even require a college degree that I know of (admittedly, I've had raises and more responsibility given to me because I'm a smart person, but it's not what I went to college for). I wonder how I could be so stupid to have so much debt that Jeff losing his job has driven us into such dire circumstances. I'm disheartened greatly because I lived my life to be debt free, well educated, and have a simple life. My only dream, the only aspiration that is immovable in my mind, is to have babies and be home with my children. Now, it all feels just sucked away from me.
What started as a good note, we spent three evenings this week at ITT Tech talking to someone about getting Jeff into school. He has decided to go into computer networking which I think would be a great field. The guy we've been talking to has been very positive and Jeff has actually been a bit excited and motivated about this. (At least I think so). One of the first things we told the guy was that we were concerned about funding it. Frankly, I think anyone loaning us money at this point would be really stupid on their part. But, the guy was very reassuring and there were all these options etc. Even better, we could defer payments and the loans that Jeff has now that we have a hard time paying would be deferred as well. It doesn't necessarily sound smart to me, but it does sound hopeful. It would give us a chance to pay off some credit cards and I think school is a worthwhile investment. It would fix some of our financial problems for now and give us a chance to catch up- or so we would hope.
Well, I was right. Anyone willing to lend us money would be stupid. The financial aid person didn't seem overly helpful. We would be able to get federal financial aid in the form of loans. (It really does scare me to take on more debt!). But it wouldn't cover all of it. And the one place that they go to for the rest of the loans doesn't want to give us any. I'm not sure what happened to the options the guy was talking about?! And we told him at the beginning that this would be the biggest obstacle and ultimately the deciding factor.
Jeff is very good about rolling with the punches. We'll just talk to the people (I had to call about the loan to find out so they didn't know it wasn't approved) and tell them we didn't get it and see if there's anything else we can do. If there are no other options, he won't go and we'll figure out what's next. Isn't that a great attitude!?!?!
I've spent today feeling like crap. I feel like our debt, our problems, are all my fault and I'm not good at this wife thing (why it's all my responsibility I'm not sure, but I don't even ask that question- I just feel it).
I did look up some things at the community college that would be much more affordable, if he feels like he could get the focus and attention he needs. Perhaps the federal loans would cover this? We haven't had a chance to look at or talk about them yet because he's sleeping.
Anyway, it's just been a really blah week. I'm really struggling. I want something so different for my life than where it feels like it's at. I just don't know how to get it. I really wish we could run away to Alaska and live in a small town, completely debt free. I'd settle even for a little house in Lake Point. I want my babies and to play house while Jeff goes to a job he loves that gives us enough to live on. I don't even ask for a lot that way.
They say if you visualize it, you can make it happen. They say put your intention out there and let it manifest itself - a trust in the universe type thing. They say God will provide, have faith. I think I believe these things. It's just hard to get to them when you literally feel the weight of the world sitting on your chest keeping you from breathing.
It's been a really rough week. We have a solicitor that has been giving out gift cards with his orders- not just him, but his whole group of reps. This is okay, we have solicitors that do that, it's part of their sale. But this one didn't know that it had to be approved and regulated by the big boss guy. Basically the big boss guy has to include the amount of the gift card in the price of the order (you can't get nuttin' fur free!) for auditing purposes. This particular solicitor group brings in anywhere from 150 to 300 orders each week. Because of this problem, when it comes to auditing, none of these orders for at least the last three months can be counted as actual circulation which is so important because circulation is how they charge the advertisers which is the real way a newspaper makes any money. (Just to give you an idea, the solicitors are paid up to $40 per order and the customer usually is paying at most $27- it's not the customers' purchases that profit the paper!). This has made a big mess for my job. I've had to come up with all new codes to track orders from here on out, communicate it to my people who actually enter the starts in our system and try to make it as painless for them as possible. I've had to go back through his most recent orders and recalculate everything. And today, in order to fix this problem, my boss brought out 600 orders she'd pulled from our system to have us re-do them in order to make good for the audit. It wasn't too bad a process since they were all in the system already and we just had to change them, but a lot of extra work. Not to mention, EVERYONE was late turning their stuff in today, so what would have been a reasonable load was overwhelming as we pushed for deadline.
I of course have been stressed with bills this week as well- it's payday week and my payday doesn't cover much. I'm a high stress person when it comes to this anyway. I worry so much over it all. This week, I've been especially self critical. I wonder what I'm doing wasting myself at a clerical job that doesn't even require a college degree that I know of (admittedly, I've had raises and more responsibility given to me because I'm a smart person, but it's not what I went to college for). I wonder how I could be so stupid to have so much debt that Jeff losing his job has driven us into such dire circumstances. I'm disheartened greatly because I lived my life to be debt free, well educated, and have a simple life. My only dream, the only aspiration that is immovable in my mind, is to have babies and be home with my children. Now, it all feels just sucked away from me.
What started as a good note, we spent three evenings this week at ITT Tech talking to someone about getting Jeff into school. He has decided to go into computer networking which I think would be a great field. The guy we've been talking to has been very positive and Jeff has actually been a bit excited and motivated about this. (At least I think so). One of the first things we told the guy was that we were concerned about funding it. Frankly, I think anyone loaning us money at this point would be really stupid on their part. But, the guy was very reassuring and there were all these options etc. Even better, we could defer payments and the loans that Jeff has now that we have a hard time paying would be deferred as well. It doesn't necessarily sound smart to me, but it does sound hopeful. It would give us a chance to pay off some credit cards and I think school is a worthwhile investment. It would fix some of our financial problems for now and give us a chance to catch up- or so we would hope.
Well, I was right. Anyone willing to lend us money would be stupid. The financial aid person didn't seem overly helpful. We would be able to get federal financial aid in the form of loans. (It really does scare me to take on more debt!). But it wouldn't cover all of it. And the one place that they go to for the rest of the loans doesn't want to give us any. I'm not sure what happened to the options the guy was talking about?! And we told him at the beginning that this would be the biggest obstacle and ultimately the deciding factor.
Jeff is very good about rolling with the punches. We'll just talk to the people (I had to call about the loan to find out so they didn't know it wasn't approved) and tell them we didn't get it and see if there's anything else we can do. If there are no other options, he won't go and we'll figure out what's next. Isn't that a great attitude!?!?!
I've spent today feeling like crap. I feel like our debt, our problems, are all my fault and I'm not good at this wife thing (why it's all my responsibility I'm not sure, but I don't even ask that question- I just feel it).
I did look up some things at the community college that would be much more affordable, if he feels like he could get the focus and attention he needs. Perhaps the federal loans would cover this? We haven't had a chance to look at or talk about them yet because he's sleeping.
Anyway, it's just been a really blah week. I'm really struggling. I want something so different for my life than where it feels like it's at. I just don't know how to get it. I really wish we could run away to Alaska and live in a small town, completely debt free. I'd settle even for a little house in Lake Point. I want my babies and to play house while Jeff goes to a job he loves that gives us enough to live on. I don't even ask for a lot that way.
They say if you visualize it, you can make it happen. They say put your intention out there and let it manifest itself - a trust in the universe type thing. They say God will provide, have faith. I think I believe these things. It's just hard to get to them when you literally feel the weight of the world sitting on your chest keeping you from breathing.
Playing with pics
This is my back yard. We are on the bottom floor of our apartments. The bottom of our windows is ground level. I love the way that feels. Our windows are still plenty big and sunny. This is the yard we see out our bedroom windows.
This is my dog Niobe (pronounced nie-o-bee but we usually call her no-bee or just puppy). She's neurotic. Seriously. Thus, she is afraid of the camera. I thought if I took her and it outside and took pictures of the trees, she'd see there was nothing to be afraid of. At least I hoped to sneak a good picture. This one came close, but she moved her head as soon as I pushed the button. Oh well. It's still pretty good for seeing what she looks like. You can kind of tell what a pretty face she has and that her body is normal size but her legs are short and stocky. I always think of her as a big wiener dog. She's actually a basset hound/beagle mix. Jeff calls her a bagel!
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Thursday 4:20 p.m.
I started a nice long complaining blog but of course was interrupted and I guess people think I work here!
It has been a crazy week. I started typing about some of the issues I've had just to try to clear my head and get a grasp on things. It got really boring. I just have had so many issues dealing with dishonest solicitors, people who don't care, people not following through with their job so I have to fix it all! I'm very tired and I really haven't felt well this week. Poor me hu?
It's finally time to go home. I think I'll cry, or maybe throw up. Just one more day and then I'm sleeping ALL weekend!
It has been a crazy week. I started typing about some of the issues I've had just to try to clear my head and get a grasp on things. It got really boring. I just have had so many issues dealing with dishonest solicitors, people who don't care, people not following through with their job so I have to fix it all! I'm very tired and I really haven't felt well this week. Poor me hu?
It's finally time to go home. I think I'll cry, or maybe throw up. Just one more day and then I'm sleeping ALL weekend!
Sunday, September 07, 2008
Almost a year and a half!
I am so excited! I finally have been able to put some pics on my computer!In honor of September 24th being our year and a half anniversary, I can finally post some pics from our honeymoon. Hehehe.
This was the fake scenery by the pool where we stayed. It's kind of blurry. I think the pic makes it look a lot bigger than it was. But still, it was pretty and we spent a lot of time in the pool because it was A LOT less crowded than the beach. A bit disappointing, but still great!
These are Jeff scuba diving in the ocean! We were able to do two dives. The first we were too busy getting set up to take pictures. The second, my ear hurt bad enough I didn't dare go down again- wimpy wimpy! But this allowed me to take pictures of Jeff. Pretty place eh?
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
A Woman's Place is...
I have been trying to write a blog for over a week now. Kinda the same stuff I'm always talking about lately but trying to express it better. Emily's comment on my last post got me thinking about it again... it's something I've felt for a while.
Basically it comes down to, it's hard to work. It's hard to be somewhere for at least 8 hours a day that requires me to be strong, assertive, in charge, in control. I say that and feel very wimpy. Because Emily said it, it validated me. I think that working makes it hard to be a woman. I think sometimes that this place takes away from my femininity.
Now I'm going where I keep running into a wall. By saying this, I not only sound wimpy, but very very sexist. I like to argue that I majored in a hard science, a very male dominated field, so I can't be THAT sexist. I do believe that women should be educated and allowed to pursue any so called manly interest be it math, science, sports, mechanics, whatever. I'm just saying that it shouldn't be required of a woman to have to be hard and tough and strong.
Which brings up the next stumbling block to my posting. I wrote a whole long thing acknowledging all the strong, working mom's I know or have known. I really don't want to sound critical of anyone who has chosen to work or who has to work. But that's not really the point either.
I want to whine and complain about how hard it is to go to work and then go home and take care of everything on the home front. I only have me, Jeffrey and the dog! I want to insist that throwing a pregnancy and especially the baby on top of everything I'm doing is just too much for this damsel in distress. But it's not to complain. It's more like I think if I could solidify it in empirical evidence, the world would have to change in order to follow some grand design or directive.
But really all I'm trying to say, again, is when I think of having babies, I really want to be home to take care of them. That if we have this free agency and this feminist right to choose, then I'm going to choose to be home with them. I know I could be a better mom if I could focus on the children and not try to fit them in between work and... well, work. I want my feminine, God given qualities to flourish.
Well anyway, perhaps I will someday be able to write an eloquent and persuasive blog about this. But, kind of in the same regards, Jeff is still out of work. We are feeling desperate financially, but I don't really feel desperate yet because I feel like we haven't REALLY tried yet. It's like we're still figuring out what's next or something.
Jeff's brother came to see him yesterday and apparently his wife has a great job where she could really pull some strings. The job she could apparently get for Jeff isn't anything he'd want to do for the rest of his life. Honestly, I believe he could do better and hope he'd want to pursue more than a mundane job. But, it's good money and it would get us through for a while. He thought he would look into it.
It turns out, the only shifts they have available are swing shift- sometime between 2 in the afternoon and 10 o'clock at night, give or take a few hours. Jeff told his brother he can't do that. It's too hard on a marriage. His brother insisted that Jeff doesn't have kids to go home to and that the weekend is plenty of time to see the wife. Jeff insisted that he wouldn't put that strain on us and the weekend is not enough time if you actually like your wife.
I was very proud of him. Perhaps, financially speaking, he should take what he can get. But I am so glad to have a husband that cares about things like spending time with me and being there for each other at the end of the day. I think this also shows faith and courage. At some point, maybe soon, we may be desperate enough that he'll just have to take what he can get. But it shows he wants something more. It shows he cares about me. And I think it may have taken more strength to defend his beliefs to his brother than we might initially give him credit for. He'll say he doesn't care what his brother thinks, but it must be hard being a guy who doesn't drink, have tattoos, or sleep around when other guys think you're weak, boring, etc.
Basically it comes down to, it's hard to work. It's hard to be somewhere for at least 8 hours a day that requires me to be strong, assertive, in charge, in control. I say that and feel very wimpy. Because Emily said it, it validated me. I think that working makes it hard to be a woman. I think sometimes that this place takes away from my femininity.
Now I'm going where I keep running into a wall. By saying this, I not only sound wimpy, but very very sexist. I like to argue that I majored in a hard science, a very male dominated field, so I can't be THAT sexist. I do believe that women should be educated and allowed to pursue any so called manly interest be it math, science, sports, mechanics, whatever. I'm just saying that it shouldn't be required of a woman to have to be hard and tough and strong.
Which brings up the next stumbling block to my posting. I wrote a whole long thing acknowledging all the strong, working mom's I know or have known. I really don't want to sound critical of anyone who has chosen to work or who has to work. But that's not really the point either.
I want to whine and complain about how hard it is to go to work and then go home and take care of everything on the home front. I only have me, Jeffrey and the dog! I want to insist that throwing a pregnancy and especially the baby on top of everything I'm doing is just too much for this damsel in distress. But it's not to complain. It's more like I think if I could solidify it in empirical evidence, the world would have to change in order to follow some grand design or directive.
But really all I'm trying to say, again, is when I think of having babies, I really want to be home to take care of them. That if we have this free agency and this feminist right to choose, then I'm going to choose to be home with them. I know I could be a better mom if I could focus on the children and not try to fit them in between work and... well, work. I want my feminine, God given qualities to flourish.
Well anyway, perhaps I will someday be able to write an eloquent and persuasive blog about this. But, kind of in the same regards, Jeff is still out of work. We are feeling desperate financially, but I don't really feel desperate yet because I feel like we haven't REALLY tried yet. It's like we're still figuring out what's next or something.
Jeff's brother came to see him yesterday and apparently his wife has a great job where she could really pull some strings. The job she could apparently get for Jeff isn't anything he'd want to do for the rest of his life. Honestly, I believe he could do better and hope he'd want to pursue more than a mundane job. But, it's good money and it would get us through for a while. He thought he would look into it.
It turns out, the only shifts they have available are swing shift- sometime between 2 in the afternoon and 10 o'clock at night, give or take a few hours. Jeff told his brother he can't do that. It's too hard on a marriage. His brother insisted that Jeff doesn't have kids to go home to and that the weekend is plenty of time to see the wife. Jeff insisted that he wouldn't put that strain on us and the weekend is not enough time if you actually like your wife.
I was very proud of him. Perhaps, financially speaking, he should take what he can get. But I am so glad to have a husband that cares about things like spending time with me and being there for each other at the end of the day. I think this also shows faith and courage. At some point, maybe soon, we may be desperate enough that he'll just have to take what he can get. But it shows he wants something more. It shows he cares about me. And I think it may have taken more strength to defend his beliefs to his brother than we might initially give him credit for. He'll say he doesn't care what his brother thinks, but it must be hard being a guy who doesn't drink, have tattoos, or sleep around when other guys think you're weak, boring, etc.
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