I've got the blues

I've been trying to keep my latest blogs on a happier note. I've been feeling calm and happy lately. So, I'm hesitant to write this blog, being in a bit of a downer mood. It would be nice though, if I can express my thoughts, to have feedback on my questions. When I talk to myself, is anyone else listening? (Haha)

How do you forgive? I guess that's the best word for it. You know how when you're mad, you say things you don't mean and later just hope you can explain to the other person where it came from or convince them you didn't mean it? I try to not do that but probably, even with my best efforts, I say things to people that make them feel bad. Sometimes, no matter how calm and in control you are with your emotions, when you try to tell someone else how you feel, it still comes out offensively.
So, if you are the one offended, how do you let it go? How do you understand that the person didn't mean to hurt you?
I have a hard time letting go. I was the kind of kid that would cry if an authority figure showed any kind of disapproval. I would feel stupid and forever try to correct my ways. If a peer (that's such a silly word, but I mean not even a friend, not even someone I associated with or cared about) said something mean or hurtful or just didn't like something about me, I would forever try to hide that about myself. And I do mean forever.
Okay, so I always talk around in circles, avoiding addressing the actual issue. I don't want to tell the actual story. It's just that last night my husband reacted annoyingly at me and I really didn't understand his reaction. To me, it was mean, uncalled for and extremely insensitive. I let him know right away that it hurt me and he was immediately apologetic. I tried all night to let it go but I was still... I was going to say cranky, but that's not the right word. It's not that I'm being mean and holding a grudge, it's that I got hurt. I had had a long hard day and I needed to just be home and one of the first things, he responded to me that way and I just wanted to... cry. I don't even see that I did anything "wrong" or to bug him. I think he was just cranky. But being that I don't see how I could have bugged him that much, I'm left feeling like it must just be me. I said something without even thinking about it, just because that's what I would say and how I would be at that moment and it bugged him. And I'm not talking a sensitive or vulnerable moment- I'm talking about making dinner. So if I can bug him that bad just by being myself, it must be ME that bugs him. And being me, I want to hide, I want to fix it, I want to change it... and suddenly I'm all on gaurd and defensive and not able to just be home and relaxed. And he's sorry and feels bad he's "just a jerk" but I can't just let it go. It should be over and done, but still, the next day, I'm feeling like he doesn't love me. How could he if he could be so bugged by something so trivial?
I ask the question, not because I'm sad today, but because there are other things, other conversations, other reactions, other moments, that still bother me. Some "fights" I can think of and they don't bother me- it's over and that was dumb. But other things, stay. I don't think I'm thinking about them, but then something will happen and I'll hear him saying whatever it was and it hurts all over. Or certain situations come up and I realize I'm reacting based on the last time we were in that situation and it should just be gone. How do I quit that?
In a way I think, well, if it still bothers you, maybe you need to talk about it. But in a way, I think I need to just get over it.

Doubting Thomas

One of my favorite classes in college was taught by a professor that seemed to really care the we learned something. He focused as much on the presentation of our assignments as he did the content. We were asked to use unlined paper, write out the entire problem (talk about "story problems!"), then divide the paper into about a two inch column on the left side to show the math and the right area was used to explain in words what steps we took and why. It was fascinating material. We solved problems about how much medicine a person should be given to keep the amount in the blood at a certain level without overdosing, how to control the spread of disease in a population, and how to maintain a given concentration level in a liguid given that so much is coming in and so much is going out. The professor also gave us the chance to re-do assignments as many times as it took to get them perfect. This was very helpful. You could receive an 85% on an assignment and be happy about it or, he would show you where you went wrong, ask questions, and help you figure out what you missed until you got it 100%.
I remember when I had this class (this will reveal the extent of my nerdom), I would spend Friday afternoons/early evenings doing homework. I'd finsh everything I could for the week, then hang out at home watching t.v. with the fam and going to bed early. It left the rest of the weekend homework free and restful.
I remember a particular assignment I worked so hard on one Friday night. I finally told myself I just had to stop. I couldn't figure out what more I needed to do. I put my stuff away and had the weekend. When Monday came around, I was nervous turning in the assignment. Even though I knew I could correct it later, I didn't want the professor to think I just wasn't getting it. I was even more nervous when the assignments were returned. I didn't want to feel dumb for what I'd missed. To my surprise, not only did I get 100%, the word "excellent" was written on the top. As he went over the assignment and answered questions for those who didn't get 100%, I realized that my work had been excellent. I had explained the steps and shown all the steps that were necessary. I think I even realized that the only reason I thought I was missing something was that it seemed too easy. I thought I had simplified it but found out it just meant that I got it.

I think of this occurence sometimes when I'm doubting myself. I may have even blogged about it before. I am very self critical even when I don't need to be.

Yesterday I had my yearly evaluation with my supervisor. I thought I'd heard that would happen, so around the time I'd been here for a year, I thought of what I might say in that meeting. What would I improve? What would I like to learn? How do I feel I'm doing? I think I did this not just to prepare what I would say, but also to prepare myself for what faults might be pointed out- if I already know what's wrong with me, it won't hurt so much when you tell me. In the meeting, my supervisor had nothing but good things to say about me. I felt a bit like he was just being nice. But as I thought about it after, he's been a supervisor, I'm sure he knows how to give "constructive feedback" if it's needed. If there was a problem with my performance, this would be the perfect time to bring it up. I guess I must be doing alright.
Today at work, I've had to fill in a bit for a couple people that have the day off. For some reason, it's made me feel better about my work. Perhaps because I feel a little more in charge so I "step up" to making sure things are being done and being done right. When these other people are here, it's not my place to check up on things so much. It's been a good experience just to see the flow of what we all do. Even to assert my "excellence."

Planting Mustard Seeds (my latest daydream)

The other night I went to sleep dreaming up my home tutoring business, RobbCo Tutoring. It's an idea I've always toyed with as a possibility for a stay at home mom. Sometimes I think of it just as a fantasy to keep myself going and feeling like SOMETHING will work out. But sometimes lately, I find myself planning details and visualizing it so realistically, I believe it could really happen. I've planned how to price things, what "deals" I could offer, how I would organize and schedule it, how I would advertise it. I can see me in my sunny apartment, holding my baby, and helping high school kids with their Calculus homework, my cute husband in the next room. How much more perfect could life be?

I get scared. It would take effort and assertiveness and be unpredictable. Maybe people would be skeptical- not the students "buying my business" but the people I'd need to support me in my ideas- and tell me it's not possible.
But I also get this feeling of trusting myself a bit. Of thinking of myself not as one of all the rest of these people but believing that I have some abilities and accomplishments that have to take me somewhere.
I think I blogged about being a llama farmer? Maybe it was my journal. Maybe this is my llama farm. I could be in control. I could be home. I could give of my talents. I could make the decisions. And maybe with a little bit of faith, it would prosper?

Mustard Seeds

I've always thought of myself as a faith filled person. Even as a kid I learned to pray for help not just because someone told me I could, but because I had tried it and it worked. Throughout my life, I have prayed about things big and small and felt God intervening- rescuing me, giving me strength, smoothing the way. I know I've had miracles- perhaps not big, make a saint type miracles, but big and important in my life.

When I got married, I had no doubts going into it. But afterward, somewhere down the line, it's like I woke up one day and went wow! there's a whole life ahead of us- I thought I'd thought about that, but what are we going to do!? And I realized that this faith or trust I had in this other person was going to be tested in ways I hadn't thought of. I had given everything to him, now I had to really believe in him.

The other day, as I was dreaming, I got stuck in the "yeah buts" or the putting it down on paper I discussed a few blogs back. I thought, but what do you do when... ? And the thought came to me I had to remember and believe in what I had already accomplished in my life and let that carry me through, to trust in my own resources- my own abilities as well as other people who support me.

On the way to work today I was thinking of something- I can't even remember what now, perhaps it was something big and in the future, maybe it was just something small I had to get done today- but I do remember the answer coming "oh well, you just have to trust that life works itself out."

I've never really identified faith in so many ways before. Faith in Christ brings salvation. Faith in prayers brings divine intervention. Those are big things, but that's as far as my faith went. What I realized today is that faith covers more than the big things. It is in all aspects of our lives. To have faith in people, ourselves, simply in life- that thing we're all doing but can't even pinpoint... It all comes back to faith in God, faith in a higher power. But it manifests in so many everyday little things. It's kind of like breathing. Just take a breath and trust your body to do the rest. Just live your life and enjoy the feeling of catching your breath on a stressful day, the deep breathing of a workout, the exhilarating breaths of spring flowers and falling leaves. Just keep doing it and you'll live. Isn't that amazing?

Not the Power of Gray Skull

Today is a slow day at work. I should probably be making myself more useful somehow, but I'm not sure how, so I sit with my thoughts- which isn't a bad thing.
Last weekend was conference weekend. I was able to watch ALL four sessions. It was so nice. I love conference weekend. It is uplifting and reminds me of what's right and that things will be alright. The spirit there always, even when I was young, makes me feel like a woman. I am so glad to belong to a church that not only values and respects women, but actually holds them in high regard (I don't want to say higher or better but that's probably what I mean. And it's not that we're better than men, just different and I love the way I have learned to appreciate and see that difference and balance in nature...). I love thinking about families and values and introspection and, with my personality, it probably helps greatly to have those in authority solidifying my beliefs.
Today I happened on an article (I believe in Newsweek) about women in power. The title of the article was something about do women lead differently than men. It started out asking what it would be like if we have a woman president but basically ended up talking about Queen Elizabeth's reign and the new movie that is out (or coming). It tried to say that women are just as strong as men etc. That's fine and good, but it felt a bit "in your face" and admiring of qualities that in my sexist way are not feminine. It wasn't pointing out that women can be different but still as effective as men, but basically that we're capable of being just as mean. Yay.
On the page were links to other, similar articles. The next one I clicked on was an interview with two famous women, one had lost a husband, the other a father to disease. They both have a child with a handicap. They both are doing a great deal of work to further causes and invest in research of different diseases and ailments. The title of this article was "You do what you have to." A good thought.
The next article (link below) was by Maria Shriver. She talks about being raised to think that power for women means what you can put on a resume and becoming like a man. She says, as the wife of Arnold Shwarzeneggar (sorry, don't know how to spell it) and first lady of California, she learned a new definition of power. She said at first, being the first lady only meant that she was married to someone. Where was she and her credentials etc? But this role helped her to realize that small acts, not ones you'd put on a resume, are sometimes more important than the big things. She talked a bit about traditional roles of women- raising kids not to be involved in every activity but to feel loved and whole- and hinted at femininity.
I liked this. As you know, I'm rather sexist. But as I just said, I'm thankful for my understanding of the balance in nature. I'm glad that men and women are different. I feel SO much happier and calmer when I feel like I can be a woman. I want to be a wife, a mother, a teacher. I want to be feminine and pretty and nurturing and kind. I love that my husband is attracted to natural beauty and sweetness and virtue. He prefers modesty and comfort. He appreciates the little things I do and am. One of my favorite songs at church says "the errand of angels is given to women, and this is a gift that as sisters we claim." I LOVE that. I need to paint it on my wall- around my bathroom mirror. The errand of angels. How strong could we get?

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21162320/site/newsweek/

Daydream Believer

I went to sleep last night visualizing myself, in video game style, shooting unhappy little thought blurs. Zap Zap Zap. Then I was, again in video game style, a little martial arts person with a big shield. I twisted and turned so artistically, bouncing the bad lazers of criticism and overwhelmingness off my shield. Silly, but it was a good visual. I had been emailing back and forth all day with my older and oh so wise sister about getting thoughts and feelings under control. This was my way of making them just disappear without having to be dragged out, looked at, felt, explored etc. It was quite helpful.

When I was a kid- probably 10-13 years old, my favorite thing to do was daydream. I was probably "too old" to play with toys so daydreaming was the only way I had to use my imagination and be in touch with what I wanted and who I was. I remember the good feelings I would get when I'd imagine growing up and doing whatever. It was exciting and reassuring and gave me a sense of myself and life.

Somehow as I zapped away thoughts, I also- almost- remembered how to dream.

One of my favorite daydreams was imagining my house and kids and husband. I would get so excited about the houses in my head, I started drawing floor plans on paper. As I got more into that, I got more into figuring out the size of things and the reality of things. Sometimes what I could see in my head, just didn't work on paper. I would make lists of my kids' names but then I started trying to figure out their ages and that I couldn't have that many that close together or something. I think this reality eventually stopped the dreaming.

Sometimes life is like that. Reality prevents it from happening outside of our head. But sometimes people tell me that if you try to figure it all out on paper, it's never going to work. Perhaps you just get into the dreams in your head and live those rather than trying to map it all out on paper?

Sometimes the reality doesn't ruin it all. Sometimes when you get to know what's really real, that's even better than you imagined, even if it is different. I'm not sure why that is, but it seems to do with it being really yours. This isn't how I always imagined it, but this is MINE, this is what I have, this is what life/God is giving me and isn't that amazing!?

Anyway, I've been dreaming the last few days. Who knows if it's possible or will work on paper etc. But, it makes me happy. It lets me know who I am.

The Pursuit of Happyness

I watched the movie "The Pursuit of Happyness" over the weekend. It was depressing (and yes there's a reason it's spelled that way). I think it was supposed to be one of those inspirational, over come the obstacles movies but I found it sad and scary. Jeff said the next time I'm stressing I should think about that movie to realize we're okay, because it could be worse. I suppose the movie did get me thinking...
I've been in quite the slump lately. I find a lot of things to grumble about. I get discouraged WAY too easily. I'm simply having a hard time because my husband works grave yards and I sleep with a dog all week and lately the weekends have been rough on our time too. Blah blah blah.
The point is, I got up Sunday and wrote in my journal for at least an hour about being happy and what it means and how to get it. It was quite a good talk with myself and I felt happy. I have SO many reasons to be, so many things in my life to be happy about. I felt good all day.
I think I cried on the way to work Monday and I know I cried after work and I fought off crying during work. I realized in the morning that it's not just my attitude that needs adjusting and I felt justified in the things I had to be unhappy about. There's this and there's that and etc etc.
This morning I got mad at my husband. My first reaction was hey! wait a minute! what did you do and what were you thinking! Then, once I was awake, I didn't really feel it- who cares? But I felt like I needed to tell him that what he'd done was upsetting to me even if it wasn't the end of the world. So we talked. And I wasn't all emotional and he was in his silly and goofy mood and kind of played it off (yes that sometimes bugs me because I need to be taken seriously but sometimes it helps me put things in perspective- it's NOT a big deal). And I drove to work today thinking that maybe some things just don't need to be worried about.
My favorite little brother called me coincidentally just as I was sitting down to lunch today. We talked for some time. He is just amazing and awesome and I love and adore him. He too helps me get things in perspective.
So, between my journal, Jeff, and Ben, life looks good today. Life is not about all the crazy little things we have to do everyday- there will always be dishes to wash and bills to pay- but about the big things- family, the changing seasons, laughing and getting excited.
My new October resolution is to lighten up. Be happy. Look at the positive and quit letting myself get bogged down in the day to day stress. Somehow I think it's possible. And, if I am justified in the things that get me down, I'm going to speak up or take charge or figure them out. Happiness, perhaps, does have to be pursued.