To Me

Yay JoAnna!
Good job you!
You're doing the right thing.

These are things I need to hear right now.

Yesterday I did something hard for me. I felt dumb the way I did it because I felt I should approach it a different way but couldn't get myself to be strong and do it that way. But I did it my way and told myself all day it was okay to do things the way I need to do them.

Tonight, I needed to do something and spent two hours trying to not only get the baby taken care of so I could do it, but also trying to wrap my head around how to get it done, being in someone else's house. I kind of also kept waiting for someone else to take care of something, feeling that it wasn't my place to do it or I would do it wrong or get in the way etc but it needed to be done before I could do what I needed to do. Finally, I just said I had to be strong and take charge and do what I needed to. So, I did the other thing and then I did what I needed to the way I could do it. Even though it seemed like a small thing, it felt like an accomplishment.

Today I called my work and told them I won't be coming back. My boss is out of town and the person who is second in command has to find out what needs to be done for me to quit (paperwork etc) and get back to me. So, it's not over yet, but I took the next big step.
I was so scared I was shaking. I guess I was scared of making people mad at me. Afraid they'd tell me I couldn't? It probably doesn't make sense, but I was nervous. I was also nervous about whether I'm doing the right thing. I know when I look at my baby that leaving her is not an option. But when I talk to Jeff or some of our parents and think about our finances, it's hard to think that walking away from the job is right (this is when I'm not thinking of Rayne in the equation). We needed diapers this week and I was thinking of a few necessities that now we won't even have an income to get. It's really scary. But, I know that it's the right thing. I'm going on faith here, not to mention the grace of other people. I have felt a calmness. I'm very happy to think of being home with my baby. I feel so much better when I can look her in the eye and KNOW I'm not going to leave her.

For all these things, I just have to say yea. Good job me. Take a deep breath and know that things will be alright. Keep praying.