Anyone who knows me, knows of my timid nature and my inability to assert or defend myself. Logically, again anyone who knows me and my situation, knows there is no reason I should have to defend myself. Emotionally however, I feel like I do. Perhaps it is only in the false sense of privacy on my own blog that I have the nerve to do so. And just so you know, this is in regard to several things and several people...
No one knows the tears I cried the last time I was alone in my apartment. As I stood looking at the empty bedroom, I wept for the dreams that were now stored away in a box somewhere. I cried remembering the day we moved in, the day we brought the dog home, the day we found out we were having a baby, our happy times, our future hopes. I cried for our feeling of being HOME. No one understands the pain of putting that all on hold and what we lost that day.
No one knows the tears I cried nearly everyday for nine months as I kneeled in a bathroom throwing up, sick, I think, because I wasn't eating . Or the fear I felt every time I lay alone in a sick room at work, on doctors orders, because my legs and ankles were so swollen and my blood pressure so high. How I prayed that things would be okay. That my marriage would make it through, that my baby would survive and that somehow I would have the strength to keep carrying it all.
No one knows the hurt I feel, the secret tears I cry for him, when I see my husband, day after day, shot down for jobs, told no one is hiring, even called a loser by his own father and told he will lose his wife and baby if he doesn't start doing differently. Perhaps only I can see the hurt, the broken pride, the fear he feels, and only I know that it's not a matter of won't, but can't.
No one knows the fear, the doubt, the questions of putting aside a good education and a decent job with great people to follow your faith, your inspirations, your beliefs to do what is right. To say this is the easy way or to think I am lazy, only means you haven't had to take the steps I'm taking. This is the hardest thing I've ever done and NOTHING in my life right now is easy. The only joys I have are when my baby smiles at me or when she is sleeping peacefully or when my husband holds me and tells me he loves me.
No one knows the tears I cry when my baby has colic and reflux and cries in pain, looking straight into my eyes with complete trust that I will be the one to fix it when all I can really do is look back at her and wait for the pain and fear to pass. No one knows how the stupid remarks and bad advice from people who don't know hurt me. You don't know how hard it is to breast feed if you haven't done it. You don't know the exhaustion of being up every two hours for months, of not sleeping because you have to be awake and alert to give to this other person. And then to have people come in and want to take her away, to give their advice for things they know nothing of, to make you feel like you're failing as a mother, the only thing that's ever mattered to you... it hurts like nothing you can imagine.
No one knows, when I sit alone feeding my baby, the tears I cry because I have no home. I live somewhere where I'm not even comfortable enough to take care of my baby or myself, where my husband and I are insulted and treated without respect and I just have to be thankful. I can't fix my husband dinner and I watch him go hungry and can only feed my baby because a wise God made it possible for my body to do so. Six weeks from giving birth, I weighed less than when I got pregnant, not because I'm healthy and losing the baby weight, but because I am hungry. I try not to complain, to count my blessings, obviously I'm not starving and there are people worse off than I am. But I am hungry, the kind of hungry where you get dizzy and pass out. Even so, the only reason I got food stamps is at the persistence of people trying to take care of me. My "pride" won't let me see myself as needy. I have worked my butt off for years to be self reliant, I act strong when I am not, and I certainly have paid into "the system." I have served and given when I can.
I am not the kind of person to take the easy way out. I have been taking care of myself and others since I was 12 years old. The weight of various worlds have been placed on my shoulders and if I so much as flinch under the weight, I can't tell you how many people will fall apart. No one knows the tears I've cried as I've prayed so fervently to know the right things to do. And I dare say that no one knows the tears of joy I have also felt as God has led my life, given me help when I dared not ask for it, and the tears of gratitude as I've learned the means whereby he cares for his children.
I have given up nearly everything I have. I have not been able to buy one thing for my baby as a new mother would want to do. Nothing I have is my own. Even my marriage has to be fought for now because of outside influences. To think for one minute that I'm going to also leave my baby in the hands of people I cannot and do not trust... (I had to delete those words). We are doing the best that we can and it hurts like you can't imagine that it's not enough.
To all the no ones in my life, thank you for being there. Thank you for your understanding, your support, your encouragement and your help.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Thursday, July 23, 2009
A Gold Mine of Faith
Last Sunday I watched a talk by President Hinckley, I think given in 1997. It was a year before the 150th year celebration of the pioneers coming to Utah and he talked of their faith. He said that Brigham Young must have been a prophet to foresee staying in the valley. No one else would have stayed in such a desolate place and called it the promised land!
He also talked of a group of people that held the belief that surely President Young was smart enough to continue on to California for the gold rushes. But President Young told them otherwise. He said that they would be far richer staying here than by going to any gold mine there. When I listened, I understood it to mean actual rich as in taken care of materially and not just a richness of spiritual blessings. Perhaps I sound flippant in saying that? I just mean it's hard to remember your spiritual blessings when there's no food on the table and I understood this as saying they would actually be better taken care of by having the faith to stay where it looked like nothing was going to grow. Anyway, my point is...
When I turned the t.v. over to the talk, I hoped to hear something I needed to hear. I felt like it was addressed to me. We shall be richer by doing what we know is right than by following our fear to the supposed security and sureity of the "gold mines."
He also talked of a group of people that held the belief that surely President Young was smart enough to continue on to California for the gold rushes. But President Young told them otherwise. He said that they would be far richer staying here than by going to any gold mine there. When I listened, I understood it to mean actual rich as in taken care of materially and not just a richness of spiritual blessings. Perhaps I sound flippant in saying that? I just mean it's hard to remember your spiritual blessings when there's no food on the table and I understood this as saying they would actually be better taken care of by having the faith to stay where it looked like nothing was going to grow. Anyway, my point is...
When I turned the t.v. over to the talk, I hoped to hear something I needed to hear. I felt like it was addressed to me. We shall be richer by doing what we know is right than by following our fear to the supposed security and sureity of the "gold mines."
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
To Me
Yay JoAnna!
Good job you!
You're doing the right thing.
These are things I need to hear right now.
Yesterday I did something hard for me. I felt dumb the way I did it because I felt I should approach it a different way but couldn't get myself to be strong and do it that way. But I did it my way and told myself all day it was okay to do things the way I need to do them.
Tonight, I needed to do something and spent two hours trying to not only get the baby taken care of so I could do it, but also trying to wrap my head around how to get it done, being in someone else's house. I kind of also kept waiting for someone else to take care of something, feeling that it wasn't my place to do it or I would do it wrong or get in the way etc but it needed to be done before I could do what I needed to do. Finally, I just said I had to be strong and take charge and do what I needed to. So, I did the other thing and then I did what I needed to the way I could do it. Even though it seemed like a small thing, it felt like an accomplishment.
Today I called my work and told them I won't be coming back. My boss is out of town and the person who is second in command has to find out what needs to be done for me to quit (paperwork etc) and get back to me. So, it's not over yet, but I took the next big step.
I was so scared I was shaking. I guess I was scared of making people mad at me. Afraid they'd tell me I couldn't? It probably doesn't make sense, but I was nervous. I was also nervous about whether I'm doing the right thing. I know when I look at my baby that leaving her is not an option. But when I talk to Jeff or some of our parents and think about our finances, it's hard to think that walking away from the job is right (this is when I'm not thinking of Rayne in the equation). We needed diapers this week and I was thinking of a few necessities that now we won't even have an income to get. It's really scary. But, I know that it's the right thing. I'm going on faith here, not to mention the grace of other people. I have felt a calmness. I'm very happy to think of being home with my baby. I feel so much better when I can look her in the eye and KNOW I'm not going to leave her.
For all these things, I just have to say yea. Good job me. Take a deep breath and know that things will be alright. Keep praying.
Good job you!
You're doing the right thing.
These are things I need to hear right now.
Yesterday I did something hard for me. I felt dumb the way I did it because I felt I should approach it a different way but couldn't get myself to be strong and do it that way. But I did it my way and told myself all day it was okay to do things the way I need to do them.
Tonight, I needed to do something and spent two hours trying to not only get the baby taken care of so I could do it, but also trying to wrap my head around how to get it done, being in someone else's house. I kind of also kept waiting for someone else to take care of something, feeling that it wasn't my place to do it or I would do it wrong or get in the way etc but it needed to be done before I could do what I needed to do. Finally, I just said I had to be strong and take charge and do what I needed to. So, I did the other thing and then I did what I needed to the way I could do it. Even though it seemed like a small thing, it felt like an accomplishment.
Today I called my work and told them I won't be coming back. My boss is out of town and the person who is second in command has to find out what needs to be done for me to quit (paperwork etc) and get back to me. So, it's not over yet, but I took the next big step.
I was so scared I was shaking. I guess I was scared of making people mad at me. Afraid they'd tell me I couldn't? It probably doesn't make sense, but I was nervous. I was also nervous about whether I'm doing the right thing. I know when I look at my baby that leaving her is not an option. But when I talk to Jeff or some of our parents and think about our finances, it's hard to think that walking away from the job is right (this is when I'm not thinking of Rayne in the equation). We needed diapers this week and I was thinking of a few necessities that now we won't even have an income to get. It's really scary. But, I know that it's the right thing. I'm going on faith here, not to mention the grace of other people. I have felt a calmness. I'm very happy to think of being home with my baby. I feel so much better when I can look her in the eye and KNOW I'm not going to leave her.
For all these things, I just have to say yea. Good job me. Take a deep breath and know that things will be alright. Keep praying.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Just for fun
I decided what I want for my birthday :)
I'm not asking for this and doubt that I will get it, but it's been a while since I wanted or asked for anything so I thought it would be good for my mentality to say it out loud. I think some of you will get that...
I want one of those cool rocker/glider chairs that have the foot rests that glide too!
I sat in one at ShopKo last night and it would be so great to have a nice chair to sit in to hold my baby. It was so supportive and comfy at the same time. They were on sale for a decent price, but we have no money and we probably don't have space for one. But still, it felt good to want something.
(I should correct myself. I have asked for things lately. A lot of things. And people, especially mothers, have been very good about helping me and taking care of me. I just mean, it's been a while since I wanted something just because JoAnna wanted it and not out of necessity and/or for survival. It felt significant).
I'm not asking for this and doubt that I will get it, but it's been a while since I wanted or asked for anything so I thought it would be good for my mentality to say it out loud. I think some of you will get that...
I want one of those cool rocker/glider chairs that have the foot rests that glide too!
I sat in one at ShopKo last night and it would be so great to have a nice chair to sit in to hold my baby. It was so supportive and comfy at the same time. They were on sale for a decent price, but we have no money and we probably don't have space for one. But still, it felt good to want something.
(I should correct myself. I have asked for things lately. A lot of things. And people, especially mothers, have been very good about helping me and taking care of me. I just mean, it's been a while since I wanted something just because JoAnna wanted it and not out of necessity and/or for survival. It felt significant).
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Celebrate
JEFF SAID I CAN QUIT MY JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am so excited... no, excited isn't the word. I feel such relief and calmness. It's scary to think of quitting my job when we have no other income. But since we actually made that decision, it's like I can see our life falling into place and I'm not scared anymore. I think that means it's the right thing to do.
For the last month at least, it's like I've been gearing myself up for war. I have really felt like I know what's right and I'm going to have to insist on it. To the point that I've been afraid that I will have to say this is what is right and what I'm doing and here's my back-up plan (ie. a way I'll do it on my own) if you don't want to support that. It's not like I really think Jeff would leave me because I quit my job, but somehow I just felt that fear anyway.
But, this is how it happened.
On the way to his mom's house Friday evening, Jeff said "have you put in your two weeks notice at your job yet?" It wasn't completely out of nowhere, but I can't remember what we were talking about and I'm pretty sure it didn't lead much into this. The last time we talked, he'd told me I'm going to have to go back and I started to cry and told him I didn't want to talk about it then (the baby was crying) and that I think it would be really bad for me to leave her. So, when he asked this, I wasn't sure how he meant it. I said I didn't think I could quit. He said he thought it's what we had planned on and HE was the one to tell me that it just didn't seem like it would make that much difference, we're living without my income now anyway etc. I was actually quite surprised.
I think we got interrupted because we stopped to get gas or something. Then we drove to his mom's. At some point, just to make sure it wasn't just the decision in this conversation and would change tomorrow, I asked if he was really okay with me quitting. He said he was and told me that he wants me to be home with the baby; when he talks about me working, he's just trying to be realistic. I think it's time we have some lessons in faith :)
I am so excited... no, excited isn't the word. I feel such relief and calmness. It's scary to think of quitting my job when we have no other income. But since we actually made that decision, it's like I can see our life falling into place and I'm not scared anymore. I think that means it's the right thing to do.
For the last month at least, it's like I've been gearing myself up for war. I have really felt like I know what's right and I'm going to have to insist on it. To the point that I've been afraid that I will have to say this is what is right and what I'm doing and here's my back-up plan (ie. a way I'll do it on my own) if you don't want to support that. It's not like I really think Jeff would leave me because I quit my job, but somehow I just felt that fear anyway.
But, this is how it happened.
On the way to his mom's house Friday evening, Jeff said "have you put in your two weeks notice at your job yet?" It wasn't completely out of nowhere, but I can't remember what we were talking about and I'm pretty sure it didn't lead much into this. The last time we talked, he'd told me I'm going to have to go back and I started to cry and told him I didn't want to talk about it then (the baby was crying) and that I think it would be really bad for me to leave her. So, when he asked this, I wasn't sure how he meant it. I said I didn't think I could quit. He said he thought it's what we had planned on and HE was the one to tell me that it just didn't seem like it would make that much difference, we're living without my income now anyway etc. I was actually quite surprised.
I think we got interrupted because we stopped to get gas or something. Then we drove to his mom's. At some point, just to make sure it wasn't just the decision in this conversation and would change tomorrow, I asked if he was really okay with me quitting. He said he was and told me that he wants me to be home with the baby; when he talks about me working, he's just trying to be realistic. I think it's time we have some lessons in faith :)
Sunday, July 05, 2009
Forgetting happily ever after?
Once upon a time, I didn't think it was lazy for a woman to quit her job to take care of her children. Once upon a time, I didn't think it was selfish to ask the dad to go to work to support the family while the mom stayed home to take care of them. Now, even as I work day and night constantly giving my physical and emotional energy to my baby, I'm starting to feel like it's selfish and lazy to ask that of him. Am I forgetting?
Once upon a time, I learned confidence as I worked through college, talking to really smart guys and taking really hard physics tests. People liked me and I was just as smart even on days when I didn't wear make up. Once upon a time, I learned self esteem as I stood before students and taught them a hard subject and they praised me for my talents. It wasn't just their praise that gave me self esteem, but the feeling of doing something I loved and was good at and was me. Am I forgetting?
Once upon a time, I had a vision of who I wanted to be today. The grace with which I would carry myself. The beauty I would portray. The strength and femininity I would emulate. Am I forgetting?
I woke up happy today, determined. Determined not to let the world run me, but to rule my own little kingdom and to remember...
Once upon a time, I learned confidence as I worked through college, talking to really smart guys and taking really hard physics tests. People liked me and I was just as smart even on days when I didn't wear make up. Once upon a time, I learned self esteem as I stood before students and taught them a hard subject and they praised me for my talents. It wasn't just their praise that gave me self esteem, but the feeling of doing something I loved and was good at and was me. Am I forgetting?
Once upon a time, I had a vision of who I wanted to be today. The grace with which I would carry myself. The beauty I would portray. The strength and femininity I would emulate. Am I forgetting?
I woke up happy today, determined. Determined not to let the world run me, but to rule my own little kingdom and to remember...
Friday, July 03, 2009
Faith and Prayers
I have been so touched by people willing and WANTING to help me and my baby. We are going through some tough times right now but I worry I'm melo-dramatic or something. Have I made things out to be so bad when really they're not? I hope not. We do need some help and I feel there are big decisions to be made.
I've always wanted, as you all know, to be a stay at home mom. I believe this is so important. But now that she is here, it seems like an impossible dream and yet I know with every part of me that I can't leave her. Jeff says just because I have to go to work doesn't mean I'm not her mom. But it would feel that way. And especially at this point in her life, I think it would be that way. Anyway...
I have to be home with my baby and I'm praying so hard and trying so hard to think up a miracle to make it possible. I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for talking, listening, praying, and doing. I really am awed by how much people care and want to help. For the record, Jeff too wants me to be home, he just doesn't see that it's possible. It is scary to quit my job when we have no other income. But I think I have to. Is that okay? Will faith really pull me through?
There are some options for food and health care and living arrangements. That's all that really matters at this point to me. I'm not really sure what to ask for. I thought the other night that if Jeff could just get a job, he'd be okay with me staying home and I could quit asking so many questions. I wanted to ask everyone to pray for that. Something's gotta give. I'm going to take this leap and hope we fly on some more meaningful plane.
I've always wanted, as you all know, to be a stay at home mom. I believe this is so important. But now that she is here, it seems like an impossible dream and yet I know with every part of me that I can't leave her. Jeff says just because I have to go to work doesn't mean I'm not her mom. But it would feel that way. And especially at this point in her life, I think it would be that way. Anyway...
I have to be home with my baby and I'm praying so hard and trying so hard to think up a miracle to make it possible. I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for talking, listening, praying, and doing. I really am awed by how much people care and want to help. For the record, Jeff too wants me to be home, he just doesn't see that it's possible. It is scary to quit my job when we have no other income. But I think I have to. Is that okay? Will faith really pull me through?
There are some options for food and health care and living arrangements. That's all that really matters at this point to me. I'm not really sure what to ask for. I thought the other night that if Jeff could just get a job, he'd be okay with me staying home and I could quit asking so many questions. I wanted to ask everyone to pray for that. Something's gotta give. I'm going to take this leap and hope we fly on some more meaningful plane.
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