Today I took Jeff to the doctor. He's had an ingrown toenail that needed to be taken care of. He'd had one removed on the other foot about 5 years ago so he knew a bit what to expect, but I didn't. He wanted someone there "to hold his hand" and I wanted to be there. Even after he'd told me about the experience before, I was a bit surprised that it was as big a deal as it was; his mom had told him he'd be okay to take himself so I guess I thought maybe it was silly of me to go with him.
They gave him laughing gas just so the shots that numb his toe wouldn't hurt so much. He has a hard time with needles and I could tell by his reaction these shots hurt A LOT. It was really hard to sit there thinking he feels pain and fear and I can do nothing. It was almost worse than anything I've had to have done to me because I couldn't take any of it on myself.
After the shots, his toe got very purple and very big very fast. The rest of it was gross, I didn't watch, but it didn't hurt him. After cutting out the toe nail, they had to put acid on it so that the nail won't grow back and there was a lot of blood even though they'd wrapped some kind of thing around his toe to keep it from bleeding much. EW!
Well, my point in writing this wasn't to share the gross stuff. Sorry. My point was how much love I felt for him seeing him in pain and not able to do anything but sit there and hold his arm. After the doctor, I took him to his dad's house so he can play video games with his brother who's out of school for the holiday and then I came to work. As I drove from there to work, I just had a really good feeling. A feeling of love I suppose. I was glad I'd taken the time off to be there with him. I would hate to think he went through that by himself.
And as silly as it sounds, the thought I had was that sometimes I feel good about myself because I've done something that is truly who I am. Teaching was like that. Holding babies is like that. And, just being there offering my support or strength to someone I care about so much was like that. It felt good to give something of myself. And I knew that I was where I should be and it's what I want to be doing with my life. Just loving those that matter, especially my husband and the baby that is on the way.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Friday, December 26, 2008
Kinda freaks me out
I just read an article in the paper about people setting up their own genetic labs as a hobby. Some people who studied biology in college or something and now want to discover the cure for who knows what or, no joke, the article really said this, a way to make glowing tattoos. People for it say the next genius may be out there but people against it say it's really dangerous. There is no safety system in place when people are just doing this out of their garage or basement and have no advance training. I'm with the latter. It kind of freaks me out.
Another article I read this morning made it sound like more and more women are choosing at home births with a midwife nurse because of the cost of going to the hospital. Yeah, that's smart. I'll just do it at home by myself and save some money. I have heard there is a trend to home births and birthing centers because it provides a more comfortable envoironment for mom and baby. People are against drugs when giving birth because of the harm they think it does to the baby. Again, I'm with the skeptics. We've come along way so I don't have to worry so much that my baby or I am going to die of some strange disease or complication simply because we don't know any better. My grandmothers went through a lot so I don't have to!
Not even the same thing, but just as annoying to me, in the last few days visiting various family for the holidays someone actually said to me "they say if your kids hate you, you're doing a good job." What kind of advice is that!?!?!?! She doesn't even have a bad kid that needs to be kept in line or taught a lesson. But, he IS a teenager now so you know how bad and rebellious they are and you have to keep them in control. Another mother handed her son a beer and told him it's okay to drink it because he's old enough now even though his wife doesn't want him to (she said it right in front of the wife, by the way).
Everyone is complaining about the snow today. Admittedly, it was a long drive to work this morning and I'm scared to even leave because it's going to be worse going home. Even more scary is walking through my work's parking lot. It was pure ice this morning and now if I fall, I'm not the only one who will be hurt. I almost sat back in my car and cried. That said, we do live in Utah, snow is part of the deal. If we just could all slow down...
I really want to go live in a small town and be a hermit. I've never wanted to shelter my kids, thinking that does more harm than good. But, I certainly wish I could protect them from all this crap. And I want to hide... for a while anyway. People are so stupid.
Another article I read this morning made it sound like more and more women are choosing at home births with a midwife nurse because of the cost of going to the hospital. Yeah, that's smart. I'll just do it at home by myself and save some money. I have heard there is a trend to home births and birthing centers because it provides a more comfortable envoironment for mom and baby. People are against drugs when giving birth because of the harm they think it does to the baby. Again, I'm with the skeptics. We've come along way so I don't have to worry so much that my baby or I am going to die of some strange disease or complication simply because we don't know any better. My grandmothers went through a lot so I don't have to!
Not even the same thing, but just as annoying to me, in the last few days visiting various family for the holidays someone actually said to me "they say if your kids hate you, you're doing a good job." What kind of advice is that!?!?!?! She doesn't even have a bad kid that needs to be kept in line or taught a lesson. But, he IS a teenager now so you know how bad and rebellious they are and you have to keep them in control. Another mother handed her son a beer and told him it's okay to drink it because he's old enough now even though his wife doesn't want him to (she said it right in front of the wife, by the way).
Everyone is complaining about the snow today. Admittedly, it was a long drive to work this morning and I'm scared to even leave because it's going to be worse going home. Even more scary is walking through my work's parking lot. It was pure ice this morning and now if I fall, I'm not the only one who will be hurt. I almost sat back in my car and cried. That said, we do live in Utah, snow is part of the deal. If we just could all slow down...
I really want to go live in a small town and be a hermit. I've never wanted to shelter my kids, thinking that does more harm than good. But, I certainly wish I could protect them from all this crap. And I want to hide... for a while anyway. People are so stupid.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Merry Christmas!
I don't know if I've ever read this as published. I loved it!
Perhaps the most famous, and popular, editorial of all time was written by Francis Pharcellus Church of The New York Sun and appeared on Sept. 21, 1897:
We take pleasure in answering thus prominently the communication below, expressing at the same time our great gratification that its faithful author is numbered among the friends of The Sun :
Dear Editor,
I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, If you see it in The Sun , it's so.
Please tell me the truth, is there a Santa Claus?
--Virginia O'Hanlon
Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men's or children's, are little. In this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.
Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus! It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The external light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.
Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies. You might get your papa to have men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if you did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that's no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.
You tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived could tear apart. Only faith, poetry, love, romance can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.
No Santa Claus! Thank God he lives and lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.
Perhaps the most famous, and popular, editorial of all time was written by Francis Pharcellus Church of The New York Sun and appeared on Sept. 21, 1897:
We take pleasure in answering thus prominently the communication below, expressing at the same time our great gratification that its faithful author is numbered among the friends of The Sun :
Dear Editor,
I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, If you see it in The Sun , it's so.
Please tell me the truth, is there a Santa Claus?
--Virginia O'Hanlon
Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men's or children's, are little. In this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.
Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus! It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The external light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.
Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies. You might get your papa to have men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if you did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that's no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.
You tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived could tear apart. Only faith, poetry, love, romance can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.
No Santa Claus! Thank God he lives and lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Talking to Myself
Knowing my baby is a girl, makes me want to be a really good example. I hope that I would feel this way for a boy too, but with a girl, I want to be everything I think she should/would want to be. I want to show her how to navigate this life with grace and femininity and beauty.
Perhaps it is wordly that I so feel a need now to get my hair done and wear some pretty clothes. But I just want to appear on the outside to be everything I am on the inside. It's hard to assert myself in any way when I feel sloppy.
Today I told Jeff I need to quit wearing my gym pants to work. He asked if anyone said anything about it and when I said no, he said I'm the only one who cares. I asked if that wasn't enough? Doesn't it matter that I feel good about myself? Even in a worldly outward sense?
I don't even think it's that worldly. It's not like I'm worried about being up on the latest fashions and trends. I just want to be someone I feel good about being. I dont' want my baby to look at me and think she doesn't want to be like me or the things I try to teach her because I'm not respectable or I'm frumpy and dumpy or something.
Maybe none of that deeper stuff and trying to explain it to anyone even matters. The point is, I'm not feeling good about myself. I feel like I'm disappearing or something.
I've come to terms with my job, I like the people here and would even be sad in a way to not see them. But I'll be damned (oops :) if I'm going to be "stuck" here because I need health insurance or to support us just enough to live in someone else's basement or something. This isn't what I went to college for or what I want to do with the rest of my life. This isn't me!
I remember one time in college I was somewhere doing something and I could see my reflection in the glass. It wasn't real clear, kind of an ethereal moment or something. But I remember thinking I was happy with how I looked. For probably the first time in my life, since I started caring about those things, I was happy with my appearance. And it wasn't just on the outside. The point was, I was BEING who I wanted to be. Maybe I didn't have certain things I wanted or wasn't quite "there" yet, but I was going and I was doing and I had what I could have. I was happy.
Right now, I don't even know who I am or even what I want to look like. I'm so in love with Jeff and I'm so excited to be pregnant and to be a mom. I want to focus on those things, but all this life stuff keeps just wearing on things. Bills and stress and driving on slippery roads... it just keeps taking away from what I have. I need to just stop and say wait! this is what I'm doing, not all this other stuff. How do you do that when you'll probably just fall off the hamster wheel in your efforts?
Maybe that's why I start with the outside. At least let me pull myself together enough that I LOOK like I know who I am and what I'm doing. Maybe then I'll feel like people will at least see me as someone competent enough to give me some credit for owning my own life. Why do I need their permission or approval? I'm not sure.
I WANT TO DO MY HAIR AND WEAR SOMETHING PRETTY AND MAKE SOME CUTE THINGS FOR THE NURSERY.
I WANT TO DO A GOOD JOB WHERE I'M AT AND ENJOY THE PEOPLE AROUND ME AND EARN MY HEALTH INSURANCE AND KEEP US FED... AND THEN I WANT TO SAY GOODBYE AND FOCUS ON OTHER THINGS IN MY LIFE.
I WANT TO BE HOME WITH MY BABY SO I CAN TEACH HER PRIMARY SONGS AND DANCE MY DORKY DANCE WITH HER TO FUN MUSIC AND READ HER MATH BOOKS AND PHILOSOPHY BOOKS AND POETRY AND SHOW HER GREAT PAINTINGS AND WORKS OF ART.
I WANT TO BE THE WIFE AND THE QUEEN OF JEFF'S WORLD. I WANT TO LEARN HOW TO SHOP AND BUDGET AND COOK HEALTHY DINNERS AND TO PLANT A GARDEN. I WANT TO LOVE HIM AND MAKE SURE HE GOES TO THE DOCTOR WHEN HE'S CHILDISH AND DOESN'T WANT TO BE BOTHERED. I WANT TO CLEAN THE HOUSE AND MAKE IT PRETTY. I MIGHT EVEN WANT TO TAKE THE DOG FOR A WALK.
I WANT HIM TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT HIS WORK AND LIKE HE'S DOING SOMETHING WORTHWHILE AND NOT WORRY THAT SOMEDAY HE'LL END UP RESENTING ME OR THE KIDS FOR HAVING TO WORK HIS LIFE AWAY.
I WANT OUT OF DEBT AND TO HAVE A LITTLE LOG HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE. I WANT SOME QUIET AROUND ME AND AIR TO BREATHE. I WANT TO NOT WORRY WHEN THE WORLD IS IN RECESSION AND THE SKY IS FALLING BECAUSE I HAVE MY OWN LITTLE WORLD THAT I'M IN CHARGE OF AND TAKING CARE OF AND MAKING BEAUTIFUL.
Perhaps it is wordly that I so feel a need now to get my hair done and wear some pretty clothes. But I just want to appear on the outside to be everything I am on the inside. It's hard to assert myself in any way when I feel sloppy.
Today I told Jeff I need to quit wearing my gym pants to work. He asked if anyone said anything about it and when I said no, he said I'm the only one who cares. I asked if that wasn't enough? Doesn't it matter that I feel good about myself? Even in a worldly outward sense?
I don't even think it's that worldly. It's not like I'm worried about being up on the latest fashions and trends. I just want to be someone I feel good about being. I dont' want my baby to look at me and think she doesn't want to be like me or the things I try to teach her because I'm not respectable or I'm frumpy and dumpy or something.
Maybe none of that deeper stuff and trying to explain it to anyone even matters. The point is, I'm not feeling good about myself. I feel like I'm disappearing or something.
I've come to terms with my job, I like the people here and would even be sad in a way to not see them. But I'll be damned (oops :) if I'm going to be "stuck" here because I need health insurance or to support us just enough to live in someone else's basement or something. This isn't what I went to college for or what I want to do with the rest of my life. This isn't me!
I remember one time in college I was somewhere doing something and I could see my reflection in the glass. It wasn't real clear, kind of an ethereal moment or something. But I remember thinking I was happy with how I looked. For probably the first time in my life, since I started caring about those things, I was happy with my appearance. And it wasn't just on the outside. The point was, I was BEING who I wanted to be. Maybe I didn't have certain things I wanted or wasn't quite "there" yet, but I was going and I was doing and I had what I could have. I was happy.
Right now, I don't even know who I am or even what I want to look like. I'm so in love with Jeff and I'm so excited to be pregnant and to be a mom. I want to focus on those things, but all this life stuff keeps just wearing on things. Bills and stress and driving on slippery roads... it just keeps taking away from what I have. I need to just stop and say wait! this is what I'm doing, not all this other stuff. How do you do that when you'll probably just fall off the hamster wheel in your efforts?
Maybe that's why I start with the outside. At least let me pull myself together enough that I LOOK like I know who I am and what I'm doing. Maybe then I'll feel like people will at least see me as someone competent enough to give me some credit for owning my own life. Why do I need their permission or approval? I'm not sure.
I WANT TO DO MY HAIR AND WEAR SOMETHING PRETTY AND MAKE SOME CUTE THINGS FOR THE NURSERY.
I WANT TO DO A GOOD JOB WHERE I'M AT AND ENJOY THE PEOPLE AROUND ME AND EARN MY HEALTH INSURANCE AND KEEP US FED... AND THEN I WANT TO SAY GOODBYE AND FOCUS ON OTHER THINGS IN MY LIFE.
I WANT TO BE HOME WITH MY BABY SO I CAN TEACH HER PRIMARY SONGS AND DANCE MY DORKY DANCE WITH HER TO FUN MUSIC AND READ HER MATH BOOKS AND PHILOSOPHY BOOKS AND POETRY AND SHOW HER GREAT PAINTINGS AND WORKS OF ART.
I WANT TO BE THE WIFE AND THE QUEEN OF JEFF'S WORLD. I WANT TO LEARN HOW TO SHOP AND BUDGET AND COOK HEALTHY DINNERS AND TO PLANT A GARDEN. I WANT TO LOVE HIM AND MAKE SURE HE GOES TO THE DOCTOR WHEN HE'S CHILDISH AND DOESN'T WANT TO BE BOTHERED. I WANT TO CLEAN THE HOUSE AND MAKE IT PRETTY. I MIGHT EVEN WANT TO TAKE THE DOG FOR A WALK.
I WANT HIM TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT HIS WORK AND LIKE HE'S DOING SOMETHING WORTHWHILE AND NOT WORRY THAT SOMEDAY HE'LL END UP RESENTING ME OR THE KIDS FOR HAVING TO WORK HIS LIFE AWAY.
I WANT OUT OF DEBT AND TO HAVE A LITTLE LOG HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE. I WANT SOME QUIET AROUND ME AND AIR TO BREATHE. I WANT TO NOT WORRY WHEN THE WORLD IS IN RECESSION AND THE SKY IS FALLING BECAUSE I HAVE MY OWN LITTLE WORLD THAT I'M IN CHARGE OF AND TAKING CARE OF AND MAKING BEAUTIFUL.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Power in Decision
Sometimes I make a decision and it feels so rooted. What starts out as a thought, a desire, a trying on this choice to see how it fits or might play out, becomes a commitment inside myself somewhere and it just feels right. It's almost a prayer and kind of a promise to myself, but not even quite that formal. But it becomes that binding. It's as if my soul has been trying to speak and when I finally come to the conclusion or hear it in my conscious mind, my soul swallows it in to my being where it becomes part of me... really without much effort.
This happened in August. I was thinking of having a baby and kind of sad that I wasn't yet pregnant and the thoughts just came. It was almost like everything I'd thought and planned and hoped and wished for became something real, almost tangible. I knew something within myself and without any effort I said if I just commit to this, the rest will come. The fretting, the figuring, the questions were gone. It's like taking a step on faith. I was pregnant a couple weeks later.
Yesterday, I made a decision. It happened in this same way. Something I've been fretting over for months and trying to see different options and solutions to, just came in my head. Simply decide this and let the other stuff fit around it.
By making this connection, everything yesterday calmed down. Little stresses at work were manageable. Household chores that have recently felt insurmountable didn't get me so down. And all the questions that this would bring up, paled in comparison to the commitment of this choice.
Today, as is expected, there seem to be a million and one reasons telling me why this decision just isn't smart. But the inner peace I feel, keeps telling me it's right. It's like the sky is falling around me and I keep trying to figure out how I'm going to stop it when in reality, I just need to figure out how I'm going to shelter myself. This is what I'm doing. Now you all can fall around me as much as you want, but you can't touch me. I can't stop you, but I can create my safe haven.
This happened in August. I was thinking of having a baby and kind of sad that I wasn't yet pregnant and the thoughts just came. It was almost like everything I'd thought and planned and hoped and wished for became something real, almost tangible. I knew something within myself and without any effort I said if I just commit to this, the rest will come. The fretting, the figuring, the questions were gone. It's like taking a step on faith. I was pregnant a couple weeks later.
Yesterday, I made a decision. It happened in this same way. Something I've been fretting over for months and trying to see different options and solutions to, just came in my head. Simply decide this and let the other stuff fit around it.
By making this connection, everything yesterday calmed down. Little stresses at work were manageable. Household chores that have recently felt insurmountable didn't get me so down. And all the questions that this would bring up, paled in comparison to the commitment of this choice.
Today, as is expected, there seem to be a million and one reasons telling me why this decision just isn't smart. But the inner peace I feel, keeps telling me it's right. It's like the sky is falling around me and I keep trying to figure out how I'm going to stop it when in reality, I just need to figure out how I'm going to shelter myself. This is what I'm doing. Now you all can fall around me as much as you want, but you can't touch me. I can't stop you, but I can create my safe haven.
Friday, December 12, 2008
The Thanksgiving Continues
For the last two years, the paycheck before Thanksgiving had a $25 gift card to Smith's in it. This is great for stretching the budget. This year, that payday came and went and I didn't even think about it until some of the guys I sit by were talking about it. We assumed that with all the cutbacks being made, that was something that had to go. Oh well. We wouldn't complain.
But! in my last check, there was a gift card! I was thinking I could use it to buy candy bars for Christmas presents for all our nephews (well, not JUST the nephews, I just say it that way because we suddenly have so many between the two of us and it's kind of fun). Sadly though, my car was out of gas yesterday and it not so sadly dawned on me that some of the Smith's stores have gas stations. Perhaps the gift card would work there?
So we went. AND it did work! AND not only did I get free gas, but because I shop at Smith's, I had earned a $0.15 off per gallon reward. Not too shabby. AND gas prices have fallen so much lately anyway. I got a full tank of gas- over 13 gallons (I don't know if I've EVER been that out) for $18.41 that I didn't even have to pay for! Without the gift card, I don't know what I would have done- walked to work today? :)
Yesterday I also called my favorite nephew James for his birthday. He's 17!!!!!! I can't even believe it. I know, I know, I'm not supposed to have favorites, but James and I have always been close. I still claim him, selfishly without regard to his parents, as MY baby. I spent the first year, year and a half out of high school taking care of the kid mostly because my mom was taking care of our grandparents and his parents had to work. He was such a beautiful boy (and still is!). I would pack him around everywhere with me. Sometimes I would pick the other kids up from school and we'd get out of the car and play on the lawn. I remember laying on my back on the ground, putting my feet on his chest and lifting him up in the air so he could fly. One time when the elementary school was doing school pictures, I volunteered to take him when they did the little kids' pictures. He wore a blue sweater and we spiked his white blonde hair and he had the cutest smile.
I once worried that someday he'd be too old and too cool to hug his auntie. I also was afraid that life changes and one of us would move away. I just hoped he'd remember, at least in some way, the feelings we had when he was little. Fortunately for me, he still hasn't gotten too old or too cool or too far away. I don't see him much anymore, but he always hugs me and tells me he loves me. Last night (shh, don't tell his other aunties) he said that I'm his favorite aunt and I "better never forget it." When I got married, I was told that he said something pretty darn cool in defense of me and my feelings and my day.
Just to be silly, Jeff has decided to call my Jamesy, "Jimmy." As I talked to James last night, Jeff called out "happy birthday Jimmy." When I told James what he'd said, he laughed. I said, "you know, that's probably gonna stick so if it bugs you, you better let us know." He said it was totally fine. I think it's cute that Jeff would give him a nick-name.
Anyway, it was just great to talk to James yesterday and have him say what he said. I really adore the guy. (P.S. I hope I don't hurt anyone else's feelings saying this about him. My affection for James does not diminish my feelings for any of my other "favorites.")
But! in my last check, there was a gift card! I was thinking I could use it to buy candy bars for Christmas presents for all our nephews (well, not JUST the nephews, I just say it that way because we suddenly have so many between the two of us and it's kind of fun). Sadly though, my car was out of gas yesterday and it not so sadly dawned on me that some of the Smith's stores have gas stations. Perhaps the gift card would work there?
So we went. AND it did work! AND not only did I get free gas, but because I shop at Smith's, I had earned a $0.15 off per gallon reward. Not too shabby. AND gas prices have fallen so much lately anyway. I got a full tank of gas- over 13 gallons (I don't know if I've EVER been that out) for $18.41 that I didn't even have to pay for! Without the gift card, I don't know what I would have done- walked to work today? :)
Yesterday I also called my favorite nephew James for his birthday. He's 17!!!!!! I can't even believe it. I know, I know, I'm not supposed to have favorites, but James and I have always been close. I still claim him, selfishly without regard to his parents, as MY baby. I spent the first year, year and a half out of high school taking care of the kid mostly because my mom was taking care of our grandparents and his parents had to work. He was such a beautiful boy (and still is!). I would pack him around everywhere with me. Sometimes I would pick the other kids up from school and we'd get out of the car and play on the lawn. I remember laying on my back on the ground, putting my feet on his chest and lifting him up in the air so he could fly. One time when the elementary school was doing school pictures, I volunteered to take him when they did the little kids' pictures. He wore a blue sweater and we spiked his white blonde hair and he had the cutest smile.
I once worried that someday he'd be too old and too cool to hug his auntie. I also was afraid that life changes and one of us would move away. I just hoped he'd remember, at least in some way, the feelings we had when he was little. Fortunately for me, he still hasn't gotten too old or too cool or too far away. I don't see him much anymore, but he always hugs me and tells me he loves me. Last night (shh, don't tell his other aunties) he said that I'm his favorite aunt and I "better never forget it." When I got married, I was told that he said something pretty darn cool in defense of me and my feelings and my day.
Just to be silly, Jeff has decided to call my Jamesy, "Jimmy." As I talked to James last night, Jeff called out "happy birthday Jimmy." When I told James what he'd said, he laughed. I said, "you know, that's probably gonna stick so if it bugs you, you better let us know." He said it was totally fine. I think it's cute that Jeff would give him a nick-name.
Anyway, it was just great to talk to James yesterday and have him say what he said. I really adore the guy. (P.S. I hope I don't hurt anyone else's feelings saying this about him. My affection for James does not diminish my feelings for any of my other "favorites.")
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Don't Listen to the Dumbs
Well, as usual, stuff has come up this week to make stressful me really stress. Yesterday, I felt determined. I prayed in the morning and sometimes I just feel more in touch that way. It helped a lot. I decided I have to stop waiting to see what life is doing and start doing it myself. This is a lesson I've always felt needed learning by me.
This morning I got up and threw up and just cried and felt frustrated all morning. I felt overwhelmed and under-appreciated. I felt weak and like giving up. After talking to Jeff, I've again determined to be happy and positive and look to make life what I want it to be and not just get pushed around by all the mixed up things life tries to force on us.
My sister and I used to have a saying "don't listen to the dumbs!" (to give proper credit, she probably told it to me first). This morning I felt like no matter what I think or believe in or want, life is just going to take it away. People keep telling Jeff that "everybody hates their job." I keep fearing that I will be stuck with my job, even after the baby, because you have to have health insurance, I have benefits and security and it's a good little job and "you can't live on one income."
Okay okay okay. WE KNOW! Jeff is willing to work and do something just because he has to. I will do what I have to to take care of my family and do my part. But WHY in the world should Jeff sell himself short, not expect something more of himself and life, and just go out and get any dumb old job? Why shouldn't he look for something better!? Why should I just become another working mother? I can't even breast feed my own baby because I have to go to work? That is evil personified if you ask me! Why shouldn't we expect more? Hope for more? Work for more?
So today I'm determined to listen to myself. To go inside and remember my hope, my dreams, even my own abilities, and make something of it! One of my "talents" is goals and dreams and vision and making it happen. I don't say that in grandeur, I say that knowing that when I pray and have faith, God has always helped me to accomplish these things. Why should now be any different?
This morning I got up and threw up and just cried and felt frustrated all morning. I felt overwhelmed and under-appreciated. I felt weak and like giving up. After talking to Jeff, I've again determined to be happy and positive and look to make life what I want it to be and not just get pushed around by all the mixed up things life tries to force on us.
My sister and I used to have a saying "don't listen to the dumbs!" (to give proper credit, she probably told it to me first). This morning I felt like no matter what I think or believe in or want, life is just going to take it away. People keep telling Jeff that "everybody hates their job." I keep fearing that I will be stuck with my job, even after the baby, because you have to have health insurance, I have benefits and security and it's a good little job and "you can't live on one income."
Okay okay okay. WE KNOW! Jeff is willing to work and do something just because he has to. I will do what I have to to take care of my family and do my part. But WHY in the world should Jeff sell himself short, not expect something more of himself and life, and just go out and get any dumb old job? Why shouldn't he look for something better!? Why should I just become another working mother? I can't even breast feed my own baby because I have to go to work? That is evil personified if you ask me! Why shouldn't we expect more? Hope for more? Work for more?
So today I'm determined to listen to myself. To go inside and remember my hope, my dreams, even my own abilities, and make something of it! One of my "talents" is goals and dreams and vision and making it happen. I don't say that in grandeur, I say that knowing that when I pray and have faith, God has always helped me to accomplish these things. Why should now be any different?
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
Not finished
Yesterday I read an article about Faith Hill doing a cover for a magazine wearing a bikini. Faith Hill is quoted as saying it's her birthday present to herself (it's her 41st? birthday and she's had 3 kids and she looks like that! kind of thing). The writer of this article said that celebrity swimsuit photos should come with a warning; normal people don't look like that.
This article, I thought, was unique because the writer, also in her 40's with a couple kids, claimed to be an athletic type. She and her mother run marathons! So, it's not just a fat, "normal" person complaining about the images we see, but someone who could possibly live up to the hype. She said that people like Faith Hill claim to get back in shape after a baby with exercise and a reasonable diet, perhaps even just by breastfeeding. So, she took the challenge. Adding to her already rigorous workout routine, she added kick boxing classes and admitted that she was now working out about 8 hours (or was it more?) a week. She said she really was spending enough time that it was like a part time job! And, although she didn't change her diet, she also noted that she generally cooks organic and really healthy stuff at home, far from the typical American diet.
I think she spent three months doing this to prove that she too could have Faith Hill-like abs. The result? She was in awesome shape! The army expects recruits to be able to do so many sit ups and push ups in a given amount of time. She had that beat no problem. She was toned etc. BUT, she still had a slouchy, saggy belly from having babies. Her point was, without plastic surgery, personal trainers, cooks and nutritionists on hand, etc. and really even making more than the average person can do effort, we are still flawed. Accept it, love yourself, and be happy.
I have always had just one or two very white hairs on the front of my head. They are more noticeable when I have bangs. I noticed them when I was in high school and it was literally like two or three hairs. My dad has beautiful, shiny, white hair. No gray, no dullness. The story is, his mom, who also had the beautiful white hair, started going white before she was 30. My sister and I always said it would be so cool to have pure white hair and we wanted to "race" to see who got there first. She's six years older and I think is starting to look salt and peppered. Since I got married (or perhaps it's since a certain age :), I have noticed a few more white hairs on top of my head. More than a couple times, standing in the sun with Jeff and his tallness above me, he's remarked "ooh, you're sparkly!" which is sweet of him considering the first time he noticed I think it highlighted our somewhat large age difference and kind of freaked him out.
A few days ago someone at work commented "you're getting gray aren't you?" Well, I'm not getting gray, it's still only a few hairs. But, yes, they are getting more noticeable. A part of me is proud of my white hairs. It's like my inheritance. And it's not about age or getting old or even stress, like some people claim. It's just me.
But, because of... I don't know? whatever's out there... I'm starting to worry. If someone across the cubicle notices my hair, maybe it's getting more obvious. If I'm just now having a baby and Jeff is that much younger than I am, I don't want to look old and let's face it, gray hair does age you even when it's pretty. I don't want to look "out of style" or like I let myself go or...something.
I find myself really struggling with these kinds of things. It's not like I expect to have supermodel abs, but knowing it's not even possible for super athletic woman is... well, freeing on the one hand, but scary at the same time. Scary because there is so much out there telling us how we should be. To stand against it feels so... isolating.
This article, I thought, was unique because the writer, also in her 40's with a couple kids, claimed to be an athletic type. She and her mother run marathons! So, it's not just a fat, "normal" person complaining about the images we see, but someone who could possibly live up to the hype. She said that people like Faith Hill claim to get back in shape after a baby with exercise and a reasonable diet, perhaps even just by breastfeeding. So, she took the challenge. Adding to her already rigorous workout routine, she added kick boxing classes and admitted that she was now working out about 8 hours (or was it more?) a week. She said she really was spending enough time that it was like a part time job! And, although she didn't change her diet, she also noted that she generally cooks organic and really healthy stuff at home, far from the typical American diet.
I think she spent three months doing this to prove that she too could have Faith Hill-like abs. The result? She was in awesome shape! The army expects recruits to be able to do so many sit ups and push ups in a given amount of time. She had that beat no problem. She was toned etc. BUT, she still had a slouchy, saggy belly from having babies. Her point was, without plastic surgery, personal trainers, cooks and nutritionists on hand, etc. and really even making more than the average person can do effort, we are still flawed. Accept it, love yourself, and be happy.
I have always had just one or two very white hairs on the front of my head. They are more noticeable when I have bangs. I noticed them when I was in high school and it was literally like two or three hairs. My dad has beautiful, shiny, white hair. No gray, no dullness. The story is, his mom, who also had the beautiful white hair, started going white before she was 30. My sister and I always said it would be so cool to have pure white hair and we wanted to "race" to see who got there first. She's six years older and I think is starting to look salt and peppered. Since I got married (or perhaps it's since a certain age :), I have noticed a few more white hairs on top of my head. More than a couple times, standing in the sun with Jeff and his tallness above me, he's remarked "ooh, you're sparkly!" which is sweet of him considering the first time he noticed I think it highlighted our somewhat large age difference and kind of freaked him out.
A few days ago someone at work commented "you're getting gray aren't you?" Well, I'm not getting gray, it's still only a few hairs. But, yes, they are getting more noticeable. A part of me is proud of my white hairs. It's like my inheritance. And it's not about age or getting old or even stress, like some people claim. It's just me.
But, because of... I don't know? whatever's out there... I'm starting to worry. If someone across the cubicle notices my hair, maybe it's getting more obvious. If I'm just now having a baby and Jeff is that much younger than I am, I don't want to look old and let's face it, gray hair does age you even when it's pretty. I don't want to look "out of style" or like I let myself go or...something.
I find myself really struggling with these kinds of things. It's not like I expect to have supermodel abs, but knowing it's not even possible for super athletic woman is... well, freeing on the one hand, but scary at the same time. Scary because there is so much out there telling us how we should be. To stand against it feels so... isolating.
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