Trick or Treat

I dressed up (a little bit anyway) for Halloween today for the first time in... a few years anyway. I'm wearing a red velvet dress and sandals and big chandelier earrings. I have a sash tied around my forehead/front of my hair that is made of Halloween fabric in blues and purples with black velvety shapes of bats and witches. I'm wearing heavier make-up than usual and was thinking kind of a gypsy type look. I was going to try to take a picture of myself this morning, but got too hurried. Besides, I can't get on the internet at home right now and wouldn't be able to post it any time soon. So, you'll just have to imagine how pretty and festive I look. Hehe.

To Get to the Other Side

No joke. Today I actually had to stop my car to wait for a rooster to cross the road. He wasn't sure he wanted to go so he just stopped in front of my car for several minutes. Finally, I decided to go around him, afraid he'd bolt just as I started going. Phewf! He didn't. After I passed, a bit concerned because it's a busy little road in the morning (there's a school and a an office building nearby), I checked the rearview mirror to see him finish crossing the street.
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Gas is less than $3 a gallon! I'm so excited. I have a full gas tank for the first time in months. I've been driving Jeff's car the last few days because mine was out of gas and I had to wait for pay day. It's nice to be back in my car. I'm quite attached emotionally to it. Is that wordly? When I bought it, I thought it would last me forever and be the car I drove my babies around in. It's funny that now that's coming true. My pretty purple car.
I think I've done really well emotionally being pregnant. I thought I would be freaking out and a blithering mess and was worried about Jeff. I think I've been pretty darn good, much to my surprise, that way. Lately though, I am overly sentimental. I wrote an email to Ben yesterday about looking for apartments and about burst into tears missing him. That's not too out of the ordinary- he's my favorite and SO far away. I thought of Karen the other day and got so melancholy- I haven't talked to her for so long. I had a conversation with Jeff's mom in my head and I was overwhelmed with gratitude for her help and so concerned that she'll think I'm not a good wife. And now, I just did the same thing talking about my car. I have so much feeling... Silly hormones :)
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Pants, especially jeans, are always a bit snug fresh out of the dryer. I've found the better they fit in general, the more I have to stretch them out a bit after washing them. Lately, my pants have been snug even NOT just out of the dryer. This morning, fresh from the dryer, there was no hope of getting them done up. What was I going to do!? I only have two pairs that fit me now. I wore them around the house undone for as long as I could, took a deep breath and a hop and managed to get them done up. I ran out of breath bending over to kiss Jeff good bye.

Religion

I saw, but didn't read, an article in the paper with a picture of one of our senators. I think he is pretty well known and has been around for a while. It is also well known that he is a "good Mormon." I don't even know what the article was about but it made me think how it kind of bothers me when people add the phrase "and he's a member of the church" to explaining people and their behavior. It's even more bothersome when they are surprised that the person's actions don't live up to what "good Mormons" should be doing.

I guess it bothers me because saying someone is a Mormon or a member of the church should mean something. We should be able to have a little faith in these people as representatives of what our church stands for. But, we are all human. What really bothers me is that this expectation or explanation seems to dismiss good people who are not Mormon. Don't we expect moral, good choices of people who go to other churches or even no church? And can't people who aren't Mormon exhibit great and good behaviors? Doesn't God love them too?

I'm pretty sure most people don't mean it this way, but it's just something that I've been thinking about.


Yesterday driving home from work, a song was on the radio that wasn't a church song, not a Christian song, not a Classical piece of great value. It was quite secular. It's not even one I like all that much, but in my head, I said to my baby, oh, this is a great song. You have so much to experience here. Coincidentally, I was driving past a church.

I got to thinking of all the things I want to teach my children. Setting the church stuff aside, or even including it but not being exclusive to it, there is a lot of good stuff in life to experience. It kind of made me wonder if religion in general doesn't stifle a bit. Don't get me wrong, I've always believed that the commandments and standards of our church are there for our own benefit as much as anything. It just seems that rules and punishments sometimes... well, when you have a personality like mine anyway... kind of make you feel guilty for everything.



Things to enjoy in this life:

Caramel apples- but sugar is bad for you and there's too many calories and why take a perfectly wonderful, natural thing like an apple and put candy on it?

Music that makes you wanna dance and sing- a seminary teacher might point out to you what the song is "really" saying and anything secular is probably just about sex and drugs. Even if it's not, there are "better" things to listen to and do.

First kisses and holding hands and having crushes- whoa! this is a big one. Gotta watch that morality thing. Don't date until your 16, probably shouldn't think too much about it because you know where those thoughts will go... Oh my gosh! I'm so scared for your eternal salvation!

Swimming and feeling cold water and hot sun on your skin- better watch the modesty thing, see previous item... I can't say it all again, it's just too scary!

Staying in and drinking hot chocolate on a snowy day- lazy, lazy, lazy! where's your work ethic!



I guess I'm feeling a bit sarcastic and ornery today. It's not really a church thing, just kind of thinking and that seems to be the best label I have for it. I want to teach my children everything. I want them to be happy and enjoy this life and all that we're given here. I don't want that to be limited. Art, science, math, poetry, just having fun and enjoying things- THAT is what I sometimes think God has given us. Not rules and inhibitions to limit ourselves.

Silly dreams

I've had two dreams the last two nights that somehow seem blog worthy. Probably aren't, but I thought they were somehow insightful into my life right now.

The night before last, I dreamed I went to get a haircut. The girl asked what I was thinking of and when I told her I brought a picture, she said she's been trying not to work from pictures because it limited her ability or kept her from getting better or something. So I tried to describe it to her. In real life, I've thought of this haircut, or something similar, but never settle on it. In the dream, she told me okay, be brave, we're going to do this. Just then, Jeff came in to the little log cabin, gift shop, hair salon, whatever place this was. I said, but you have to ask him first because he probably won't like it. I don't know if I woke up then or the dreamed just changed or what but I also remember thinking I had to remember to tell her I'm pregnant and really too lazy to do anything with my hair right now so I needed something very low maintenance. I also didn't want to go too short because when the baby comes, I'll want to be able to just pull my hair up and not worry about it.
I really was determined to be cool pregnant. Right now, I'm doing good if I can get up, take a shower and get dressed for work. Hair, make-up, looking good? Who can think of such things!

Last night I dreamed that they told me my job was done. I wasn't fired, it was just over. Friday would be my last day. I was so happy and relieved to not have to worry about it anymore. Then I realized I'd have to get a new one and that was kind of a bummer, but I thought I'd just get something easy going to get through until the baby comes.

Advice anyone?

Sometimes when I clean, I feel like I've done a good job, only to turn around and see a million more surfaces that should be sanitized. Sometimes, a quick job leaves me satisfied because it's better than nothing and I know if I do a little something each time, that will be as good as doing a big something only once in a while. Other times, it just doesn't feel like enough, no matter how big a job I do.
I sat on the bathroom floor the last time I cleaned and wondered how in the world one would clean the back of and underneath the toilet tank. Which brings me to under and behind the stove and fridge. How often are you supposed to clean there? And I'm really supposed to drag them out in the middle of the floor? My kitchen isn't even big enough to pull them out and leave room for me to climb behind them- let alone bend over with a dust pan or such.
I feel like I don't get the shower clean unless I use a soapy, scrubby cleanser and really get in there and scrub. Then I see these commercials for spray and it looks like they just spray it and wipe it down- like I do the counter tops. Maybe that's enough if I did it more frequently? How frequently is that?

I've been trying to be very conservative with spending money lately. I pay attention to which brands cost more/less etc. Recently, I bought less expensive body wash and lotion. Luckily, it hasn't made my sensitive skin totally freak out yay! But, my skin is dry. It usually gets dry around this time of year and that's when I buy the wonderful smelling Oil of Olay body wash to salvage my skin. And, it lasts long enough, I think the price is justified. But, as we've tried to cut our overall budget, I can't really justify even a $5 body wash, when the store brand is only $2 and will last just as long. As colder weather comes, I'm worried my skin WILL freak out.

I don't really believe in eating white bread. Sometimes, wheat bread seems just as refined, it's just brown. The kind I really like to buy that has a short list of pronounc-able ingredients and no preservatives is getting close to $5 a loaf! So much for that. It used to be worth buying, again, because it would last a long time. But also again, when trying to cut the whole budget, $5 is a large percentage of the whole bill.
That said, Jeff will only eat white bread. I've often bought just the store brand for his toast etc. But, he recently convinced me that Wonder Bread is better than the store brand. It's only $2 a loaf compared to my $5, but that's double the cost of the store brand! What to do, what to do?

Being pregnant, eating has been quite an experience lately. Sometimes I am so hungry I eat like I'm just starved right to death. Other times, even thinking of food makes me sick and it's like I have to force feed myself just to have some kind of nourishment. At times, I've been so hungry that I think I really need to eat nutrient dense food- spinach, brussel sprouts, eggs. But last week, I really felt like I'd eaten too complex of stuff for my body to be able to process it. I had a small sandwich for dinner followed by jelly filled doughnuts, feeling like my body needed quick, easily processed energy. Maybe that's not such a bad thing sometimes?
I was also wondering about kids' seemingly natural aversion to healthy food, like vegetables. I've always thought I would start my kids early on such baby food delights as strained peas and spinach so they develop a taste for it. Good point perhaps. But, the way I've felt lately, I've wondered if their "natural" aversion isn't because their poor little tummies aren't developed enough to process it.
I've learned a new thankfulness for some of our convenience foods, like Pop Tarts, that at least pretend to give me some nourishment and vitamins and are convenient and not upsetting to my tummy.
I'm also wondering if it might not be practical, for a few more weeks anyway, to not go out and buy a bunch of groceries, but to keep some cash on hand so I can get food I actually feel I can stomach. When all I have is spinach in the freezer and my body needs doughnuts, what will I do?!

More work stories

So I just signed a copy of a new policy at work regarding use of the internet, email, messenger etc. I think I just agreed that I have no expectation of privacy when using these things for personal use and that the personal use won't be excessive or get in the way of doing my job. Does this mean I'm not supposed to be blogging?
Hm, probably...
Anyway... it's been a long day and I'm done for so I can't think anymore. I think I'm also pretty well caught up for the week. So, here I am to complain and get it out so I don't take it home for the weekend.
The solicitors are required to turn their stuff in by 10:30 each day. Mostly this is to give my people time to get it inputed into our system by 2:00 deadline. The group that brings in the most on Friday didn't get here until after noon last week. I said something and the guy just kinda brushed it off like I was telling a joke. He was kind of filling in for the boss so I thought maybe I should mention to the boss that it was that late. Later I decided I should have told the guy, not "tattled" so I didn't say anything to anyone. How un-assertive of me!
Today, this guy was here as soon as I got here this morning. I couldn't even clock in on time because I was getting stuff for him. Even so, when the boss stopped by to ask something well past 11, I still didn't have any orders. I asked him what they were up to and he went on and on about the problems they were having. I said, you know I'm supposed to have them by 10:30 right? Oh, no, he thought that was only on Monday blah blah blah. I explained our process a bit and felt I was a bit assertive in saying you better be on time. Even so, it was 12:30 before I got any orders from them.
This put us so far behind. I get stressed so easily. I'm really trying to think of keeping a peaceful and serene environment inside me :) But, I can't help it. The thing is, I knew the only way we could get it done is if I really stepped up and did it. I gave each of my people 20-30 and asked my supervisor what we could do. The people around me have to "close" at the end of the month and that's what they were all doing today. Whatever it entails, they are all super busy and not available to help me today. My supervisor tried to get customer service to help but they too had reasons they couldn't. So, little old me took 90 orders and got them all done in about an hour.
It's hard to talk about work without explaining everything, which gets really boring really fast. But basically, I could get the orders started for customers and then go back later and put in all the office information that's really what takes a long time. Even without splitting it up like that, I still don't know why I can go so much faster than the other people who's job it is to do this. It frustrates me sometimes because I feel like I have to do it all. Other times, I'm more patient knowing that my poor people are just as stressed and working just as hard as I am, even if not performing with the same results. It's just tough.

The People in My Neighborhood

There's a lady at work in customer service that is a bit odd. (Well, there is more than one, but this one in particular...). She's a bit old and small and skinny and asks the same questions week to week. Sometimes her questions don't really make sense. The team I work in does all kinds of stuff, so we get a lot of questions from and give help to customer service. Sometimes when this lady comes over, after she leaves, people kind of joke about whatever she was asking. I really don't think it's mean spirited, just kind of confused about trying to figure her out. Sometimes, it's a bit frustrated because someone had just explained that to her last week and, given that she's worked here for years, she should know it anyway.
I heard the other day that this woman's live in boyfriend died. She'd been out of work for at least a couple days, but I heard it one day and she was back to work the next and it didn't seem like she'd been gone very long. Perhaps, probably, I just had no reason to notice her absence.
It made me very sad. She is an odd person, but she's not even one of those people that you wonder what love must feel like to them because they are so bossy and controlling or maybe even just socially inept. This woman kind of seems like a shell of a person. Like you know someone's in there, but you never really see it come out. But, no matter what a person is like, to lose someone you love, hurts. And this made me very sad for this person.
To make matters worse, yesterday I overheard some people joking about her. I didn't really listen because it was making me too upset and I was busy, but they were close enough to me, I couldn't help overhearing a bit. I think these people were joking about what kind of person the guy must have been to be half of a couple with her. I generally respect the people that were making the jokes and can think that they were just being like that in that defensive way I think we all sometimes get when something is sad- we make jokes that really could be hurtful and in bad taste if anyone out of your immediate group overheard.
Anyway, I keep seeing this little lady and I feel so sad I almost cry. I wonder if anyone ever hugs her or even just lets her talk? And I'll make excuses for not being the one to do it by saying I don't really know her and she seems to be the kind of person that wouldn't warm up to you if you did try.

On a lighter note, another woman at work loaned me a book a while back. I think I blogged about this. I walked in on her and someone else talking about it and simply made a comment like "that sounds neat" and so she gave it to me. I didn't really want to read it. I really had a bit of a gut feeling that I wouldn't like it. But, I felt obligated and eventually did read it. There were parts of it that hit me badly, just because of my own experiences. In general, I didn't find it well written and there were other things that bothered me about how it approached a lot of the subject matter.
When I returned the book, I managed to thank her graciously and not say too much about hers and the other woman's gushing about how great it was. Of course, for me, this was all one big awkward situation I had to blog about in order to handle :)
It turns out that this lady has a whole library of these types of books and she seems to LOVE lending them to people. This, in theory, is a fun idea. She insisted on lending me more books. I didn't know how to decline. When she forgot the next day, I was a bit relieved and didn't say anything. But, later in the week, she left them in my cupboard with a note (she's only here part time so I don't see her regularly). I took them home and had them for a long time. I ignored them. I looked at them. I just didn't want to read them and it was becoming more on principle at this point.
One weekend, I was a bit bored and felt like reading SOMETHING, so I got out one of her books and read through the first chapter. If I was in a better mood or if it was a different time of year or my circumstances were different, I probably would have had fun reading this. But, I just couldn't get into it. Eventually, she asked if I'd had a chance to read them yet. I played it off, "oh, I was just thinking I need to get those back to you." I forgot to bring them the next day and wasn't quite sure what I would say when she asked how I liked them anyway. This awkward situation was getting painful! But, she was going to be gone the rest of the week so she told me to leave them in her cupboard and she'd get them on Saturday. In the meantime, she'd already brought me the next book in the series!
Yikes! I suppose my "lies" were catching up to me, although, I don't think I actually lied, I just tried to avoid the conversation. So, when I returned the first two books, I brought the next one back and left her a note saying we'd been rearranging our house (not a complete lie) and I was afraid I'd lose it so I'd just get with her later about borrowing it. I hoped this would defer the situation and life would go on.
Well, it's been a couple weeks and today, perhaps just making conversation, she asked me about rearranging furniture etc.
This is getting really awkward. Why is she so insistent that I borrow the book? Should I just borrow it and pretend to read it again? I think the series is one of those where you don't really have to read the one before so maybe I could just read it and figure out how to tell her no for the next one?
I'm so silly really. But, I just don't feel like reading these particular types of books right now and I'm so afraid of hurting someone's feelings I don't know what to do!