I'm Hungry

Two nights ago, we watched a concert of Blue Man Group we have on DVD. It was an audio visual feast. I started to say it was a delight, because it made me very happy, but it was something more than that. The depth and richness of their art took me to a place inside myself. I felt in touch with and good about myself. There are more important things in life than how you look and going to work.
It made me hungry... like the morning after a good meal when you're body has been able to use what you ate to rebuild, refuel, and nourish itself. I always wake up hungry the next day... but hungry for fruit and good bread, not junk food. That's how this felt. I want, need, crave more!

My mind is hungry for thought, discussion, understanding. I search the internet (mostly the newspaper site) and it's... well, junk food. My job today feels like I do more and more of the easy meaningless stuff (okay, okay, it's important for business but you know what I mean) and less and less of anything that requires me and my skill. By the time I get home, I'm tired and worn out and even though I'm desparate for more stimulation, I can barely get myself to do what else needs to be done- dishes, the dog, dinner...

At my work, they have made a new rule that whoever it is that would have any ability to do this anyway, can't turn the air conditioner past a certain point in order to conserve energy. They also are shutting off certain lights. In the hall, for example, you know how big buildings have the long flourescent lights every few feet? Now for every three of them, only one is on. Good idea as I've recently become very bothered by how much we waste in society. But people have been complaining all week about how hot it is in here. I've been okay until today and it got to almost nauseating I've been so warm. And the lack of light, it's not bad above our desks, but it does cast quite a serene, numbing effect on the place.
I'm beginning to feel like a drone. This is not what I went to college for. This is not what I dreamed and planned for.

Well, here's my formal announcement. Jeff got fired last week. I think I must be more conerned and sad about it than I realize because I keep avoiding telling anyone... like even him and me! haha. But we both are surprisingly calm and not worried about it. In fact, I have felt freed to think about what comes next and what do we really want to do? (That is until I had to go and get the paper work so we can get on my work's health insurance, then I felt painfully stuck).
We have a fantasy of running away to Alaska and living as hermits. Sometimes I want something so badly I seriously ache. I want out of the city and traffic etc. I want a different life than I feel like I can find here. The other night though, I think I dreamed we decided to stay here because neither of us wanted to be away from our moms.

I guess all I'm saying is the same thing I said in my last post. I want music. I want purpose. I want beauty and brains and art and science and good healthy food and peace of mind and family and flowers and sunshine and rainy days and to play in the snow... just me, talking to myself again...