I realized today (duh) that I'm nice to mean people as a way to keep the peace. Not a big realization, but what this means is that it's a defense. And what it tells me is that I'm wrong, I'm dumb, it's my fault that these people are this way.
Someone at work today asked me the most retarded question and she said it all mean like I was the one who was doing something wrong. I set a check for someone at the front counter of our office. Every Friday someone comes to pick it up and it's never a problem. Well, no one was at the desk so the person who was covering (not even close to the counter) calls out "what did you just leave there?" So I told her. "Well, how am I supposed to know who's picking it up?" Well, duh, because they'll come and say I'm here to pick up the check for so and so. Is that like rocket science? And yet, I was very nice in explaining that the name is on the envelope and they'll ask for it by that name and this is who will probably be picking it up and this is what she looks like. Duh.
Sometimes I think back on fights or arguments Jeff and I have had and I think I should have just ... I don't know what. Not put up with it. Had the nerve to be the one to scream first or walk away, so that he felt like he had to fight to get me back or something. But, I'm too quick to see it from his side, to try to make things right and smooth them over.
Will this realization make me change any current or future mean people and/or fights with Jeff etc? Probably not. The question is, why? Or how? Is it a self esteem thing? Am I afraid he won't fight to get me back or the dumb person will prove me wrong or something?
Do I need to just quit caring how the other person feels and get mad?
I'm really sick of people. Luckily I only have 2 1/2 hours left to be here.
1 comment:
hmm.. interesting. I offer two explanations: One is that you are basically a very nice person to begin with and it just isn't in your nature to fight back or be sarcastic and mean. The other is that we all tend very much to react to things the same way we learned to as we grew up. We copy a parent or close sibling's way of handling things. I think if you haven't seen it done and you don't really know how to do it, you won't get mad or call the mean guys bluff or refuse to be civil in any other way. This is one of the things that creates family. For example, almost always I was shown the model of backing down and acquiescing to the problem at hand. The people in my family with 'fiery tempers' were kind of threatening and I didn't like the results they created. So generally, I think I choose not to create these uncomfortable situations. It's better, for me, to just let it go. Or, often I let it go and then go complain for hours to someone I trust to take my side of things. I think it's okay how you are and handle it. When you get angry enough to scream back at these people, you will do it.
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