If I never had to worry about money, it just didn't exist or I had enough for what I needed...
I would go live in Jackson, Wyoming in some kind of old farm house. I'd write all the crazy, beautiful, ugly, weird, simple, insightful stories that have filled my head since I was ten years old. I'd wear dresses or plain boxy t-shirts and cute girl pants and run around the fields with my children. I'd read. I'd think. I'd plant pink and white tulips. I'd have a swing in a tree and a hammock and a tree house that I would visit as often as the kids do. I'd eat bread and hot cocoa. I'd learn how to make lemonade and plant strawberries to put in it.
The point of this exercise is supposed to be that you realize what you really want and that you don't need a million dollars to do it. But, I think I do. What I want is so far away...
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Monday, April 28, 2008
Don't Wanna Be a Polygamous
The other day I read an article I thought was going to be about how and why the polygamists dress the way they do. It was more of a "fashion" article questioning if their style will in any way find it's way into fashion (afterall, they said, fashion comes from the most unexpected places). The conclusion of the style gurus was that it would have little, if any, affect. Someone was quoted as saying "women don't want to look like that."
I don't mean to be judgemental etc, but I think that's probably true. I've even found myself hesitant to braid my hair or not wear make-up because I'm afraid of looking like that! I think the fascination with this story, in part, comes from our fear of being like them. Perhaps it's the similarities we see that scare us more than the differences?
When I read about this group of people, I wonder about my ancestors who lived polygamy as part of their religion. Honestly, I don't know that I could hold on to a faith that requested that of me. I don't know how they did it. But it's not just that part of it that is upsetting. I think when I look at these people, I see people who are strong in their convictions, holding on to beliefs that make them SO different than the rest of us, most of us wouldn't be able to live it. What gives them that strength if it's not something real?
A lot of people will say they've been brainwashed. I can buy into that. As far as we know and what all the stories say is that they are indoctrinated from birth to believe this way. They live it, they see parents, siblings, other people living it. So, it's just a part of who they are. I think we find this comforting in some way because that gives us the chance to believe that if they were taught differently, exposed to another way of being, that they too would see this as "wrong." I think we want/need to believe that somewhere inside them, something is telling them this isn't right. You don't have to be treated this way. It's what we want to believe about people who are abused or the women in the Middle East who are treated with so little respect or any other situation we see as wrong.
The thought that scares me is that there isn't this little voice in them saying they could have things different or better or that it's not right. How could a whole group of people fight so hard for something if they had any doubt about it? Why would kids return to abusive homes or people to abusive spouses? Why won't the women in the Middle East stand together and fight? How did slaves remain slaves? Because that little voice wasn't there. Or couldn't be heard. Or something.
So, how do we know what we know? I've had things I thought I would fight or die for all because I felt it so deep inside it HAD to be real. Some of those things are still there. Other things, I've been wrong about and it's one of the worst feelings in the world. Probably if I was a polygamist it would be easier to hold onto that faith, that way of living even if I was shown I was wrong, than it would be to follow what was in my heart. I would never be able to know for sure what I knew again.
I watched a movie over the weekend I liked a lot. It was about a little town in France where everyone at least looks like they follow the patterns and rules. A woman and her daughter move to town and start a new chocolate store, just at the beginning of lent. She doesn't go to church. She doesn't follow what everyone else is doing. By the end of the movie you see how much good, Christian love she is doing while the guy who is the opposite, the stalwart, rule making, going to church guy has destroyed one or two people. At one point in the movie, I realized how HARD it would be to be the woman who was different but actually the one doing the right things. If you were raised or lived in this town, even if you saw the good the woman was doing, it might be hard or impossible to walk away from what everyone else was doing, what you'd been taught, shown, lived, feared as the right thing.
I don't want to be a polygamist. I don't want to just follow along. I want to be smart. I want to have experience and follow what REALLY is in my heart, not just what I was told was there. But, I don't know if I'll ever know the difference. I don't know how we can tell.
(I feel a need as I type this to make sure to let everyone know I'm not giving up my religion or any such thing. I'm just talking about... I guess really going inside and knowing what's in there...)
I don't mean to be judgemental etc, but I think that's probably true. I've even found myself hesitant to braid my hair or not wear make-up because I'm afraid of looking like that! I think the fascination with this story, in part, comes from our fear of being like them. Perhaps it's the similarities we see that scare us more than the differences?
When I read about this group of people, I wonder about my ancestors who lived polygamy as part of their religion. Honestly, I don't know that I could hold on to a faith that requested that of me. I don't know how they did it. But it's not just that part of it that is upsetting. I think when I look at these people, I see people who are strong in their convictions, holding on to beliefs that make them SO different than the rest of us, most of us wouldn't be able to live it. What gives them that strength if it's not something real?
A lot of people will say they've been brainwashed. I can buy into that. As far as we know and what all the stories say is that they are indoctrinated from birth to believe this way. They live it, they see parents, siblings, other people living it. So, it's just a part of who they are. I think we find this comforting in some way because that gives us the chance to believe that if they were taught differently, exposed to another way of being, that they too would see this as "wrong." I think we want/need to believe that somewhere inside them, something is telling them this isn't right. You don't have to be treated this way. It's what we want to believe about people who are abused or the women in the Middle East who are treated with so little respect or any other situation we see as wrong.
The thought that scares me is that there isn't this little voice in them saying they could have things different or better or that it's not right. How could a whole group of people fight so hard for something if they had any doubt about it? Why would kids return to abusive homes or people to abusive spouses? Why won't the women in the Middle East stand together and fight? How did slaves remain slaves? Because that little voice wasn't there. Or couldn't be heard. Or something.
So, how do we know what we know? I've had things I thought I would fight or die for all because I felt it so deep inside it HAD to be real. Some of those things are still there. Other things, I've been wrong about and it's one of the worst feelings in the world. Probably if I was a polygamist it would be easier to hold onto that faith, that way of living even if I was shown I was wrong, than it would be to follow what was in my heart. I would never be able to know for sure what I knew again.
I watched a movie over the weekend I liked a lot. It was about a little town in France where everyone at least looks like they follow the patterns and rules. A woman and her daughter move to town and start a new chocolate store, just at the beginning of lent. She doesn't go to church. She doesn't follow what everyone else is doing. By the end of the movie you see how much good, Christian love she is doing while the guy who is the opposite, the stalwart, rule making, going to church guy has destroyed one or two people. At one point in the movie, I realized how HARD it would be to be the woman who was different but actually the one doing the right things. If you were raised or lived in this town, even if you saw the good the woman was doing, it might be hard or impossible to walk away from what everyone else was doing, what you'd been taught, shown, lived, feared as the right thing.
I don't want to be a polygamist. I don't want to just follow along. I want to be smart. I want to have experience and follow what REALLY is in my heart, not just what I was told was there. But, I don't know if I'll ever know the difference. I don't know how we can tell.
(I feel a need as I type this to make sure to let everyone know I'm not giving up my religion or any such thing. I'm just talking about... I guess really going inside and knowing what's in there...)
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Feng Shui
(Re: Title- Well crap (whale crap?), I can't remember how to spell it. Oh, well. You know what I mean right? Maybe that is right...)
Recently at work they moved all the people from Classified Advertising's customer service over to Circulation's customer service area. I guess eventually they will be blending the two departments. Right now, it's just made it very crowded in our area.
My little group/team, used to sit over and away from customer service. People would comment on how quiet it was in our area. Then we got moved to a more central, but still out of the way, location and some of advertising (or someone) took our spot. It's busier in this area and there is more noise. But now with all the other people here, there is an energy in the office that frankly I don't like.
At first, I thought it would be good. The dress code is casual here, but with all these people, I felt a bit more like getting dressed up just to look and feel a bit more assertive. With so much going on, I felt like I was really at work, instead of trying not to fall asleep. But, that positivity didn't last long.
There are times, like today, that I think all this energy actually makes me jittery. Not like anyone is even bothering me specifically. It's just loud and busy and hectic and I feel overwhelemed.
With these changes, we've also moved to using "community" copier/printer/fax/time travel? machine. So, I feel like everytime I print something (which I do A LOT of with all these orders I process- it's my job), I have to fight my way through the crowd. I stand in line to make copies. I sort through a billion things to find my stuff (including people's personal and credit card info!). It makes me feel like I can't get my job done. It makes it feel hectic. And I stress about the credit cards feeling like it's my responsibility to protect them (which, I guess it is).
Oh well. I'm not even really complaining. Just noticing how real the vibe and energy flow is here and how it's affecting me. I've actually felt bizarrly happy and positive this week. Don't know what that's about! :)
Recently at work they moved all the people from Classified Advertising's customer service over to Circulation's customer service area. I guess eventually they will be blending the two departments. Right now, it's just made it very crowded in our area.
My little group/team, used to sit over and away from customer service. People would comment on how quiet it was in our area. Then we got moved to a more central, but still out of the way, location and some of advertising (or someone) took our spot. It's busier in this area and there is more noise. But now with all the other people here, there is an energy in the office that frankly I don't like.
At first, I thought it would be good. The dress code is casual here, but with all these people, I felt a bit more like getting dressed up just to look and feel a bit more assertive. With so much going on, I felt like I was really at work, instead of trying not to fall asleep. But, that positivity didn't last long.
There are times, like today, that I think all this energy actually makes me jittery. Not like anyone is even bothering me specifically. It's just loud and busy and hectic and I feel overwhelemed.
With these changes, we've also moved to using "community" copier/printer/fax/time travel? machine. So, I feel like everytime I print something (which I do A LOT of with all these orders I process- it's my job), I have to fight my way through the crowd. I stand in line to make copies. I sort through a billion things to find my stuff (including people's personal and credit card info!). It makes me feel like I can't get my job done. It makes it feel hectic. And I stress about the credit cards feeling like it's my responsibility to protect them (which, I guess it is).
Oh well. I'm not even really complaining. Just noticing how real the vibe and energy flow is here and how it's affecting me. I've actually felt bizarrly happy and positive this week. Don't know what that's about! :)
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
It's All About Me
Okay, so wishing pain on someone is not a good thing. Enjoying thinking about them in discomfort is even worse. I wasn't TOO serious, but it really did help my day yesterday to think this way. From Mudder's comment and the conversation I had with Jeff about it, perhaps it's just a coping mechanism. I don't REALLY like to see people hurting or even uncomfortable. And I think the real point was, I want to feel appreciated.
I have at times in my life realized how much I NEED approval and recognition. This surprises me because I really do hate the spot light, I'm uncomfortable around other people, and I think I automatically play off compliments because I just don't like people thinking about me. But, in a work or school environment, if I'm not told I'm doing a good job, I think it means I'm doing a bad job. In relationships, if I'm not told the other person loves me, wants me there, etc, I worry that they don't. What a hard person to live with!
But my real point was that I've been discovering lately that I'm not and never have been as horrible of a person as I think I am. All my great and attrocious "sins" are really not so bad. Even my big evil wicked thoughts I was almost too embarrassed to post, are not so harsh. Maybe I just need to take myself more lightly? Maybe that would help in my need for acknowledgement?
I have at times in my life realized how much I NEED approval and recognition. This surprises me because I really do hate the spot light, I'm uncomfortable around other people, and I think I automatically play off compliments because I just don't like people thinking about me. But, in a work or school environment, if I'm not told I'm doing a good job, I think it means I'm doing a bad job. In relationships, if I'm not told the other person loves me, wants me there, etc, I worry that they don't. What a hard person to live with!
But my real point was that I've been discovering lately that I'm not and never have been as horrible of a person as I think I am. All my great and attrocious "sins" are really not so bad. Even my big evil wicked thoughts I was almost too embarrassed to post, are not so harsh. Maybe I just need to take myself more lightly? Maybe that would help in my need for acknowledgement?
Monday, April 21, 2008
My Wicked Thoughts
I entertained myself this morning by imagining all the stress I could put on someone else by quitting my job. If I wasn't here to do it, maybe then they'd realize how much I do. Sure there are people I would feel bad about leaving stuff to, but there are one or two that I would delight in seeing their discomfort, especially when other people I do SO much to help can't get help from these people because they are too ornery. Oh how they would miss me and not like her! What pleasure it brings me to know that other people wouldn't like her. How wicked is that?
On a better note, I made myself the best salad ever for lunch today! I bought not just iceberg lettuce but green leaf lettuce. It's softer and darker colored, which I've read means it has more vitamins. I think it also has a richer flavor. I bought crushed pecans, crumbled feta cheese, dried cranberries, and chicken chunks already cooked in the deli section. Top it off with home made Hidden Valley Ranch dressing made with butter milk and some Triscuits on the side and what a great lunch I had! Hm, I think I'm hungry again already...
In response to Mudder's blog, I've been reading more about the polygamist stuff. Today I read a few things that made me feel sad for the people. I think they were raised in the same environment I'm thinking it's necessary to take the kids out of. How would they know better? They think they are doing the right thing and are probably being persecuted by a wicked world for it. We think they'd have to know it's wrong to marry young girls etc. But maybe they have no other frame of reference. I suppose that's the really scary thing. If they could be so committed to their beliefs that we think are wrong, it's possible for any of us to be wrong about our beliefs. Isn't it? So Benthephilosopher, how do we know what we know?
Now back to my evil self. I'm signed in to messenger at work so I can keep in touch a bit with Jeff throughout the day (I guess that's okay by work standards. It's not like I chat all day long). With this, a little message pops up everytime I get an email. So, all day long I've been watching a certain few people send me forwards. I don't mind an occassional forward. Some people really find something funny, sweet, or important to pass on to me and it's nice to have SOMETHING to read when I need a break. But, some people I think just forward anything and everything to anyone and everyone in their address book. Some of these, I've recieved 3 or 5 times! I really don't have time for it. I'm thinking of making an ultimatum. NO MORE FORWARDS PLEASE! But then, that would offend those of you who are actually thinking of me when you hit the forward button. That certainly isn't my intent. Is it possible to block selective things? Hm, have to look into that.
On a better note, I made myself the best salad ever for lunch today! I bought not just iceberg lettuce but green leaf lettuce. It's softer and darker colored, which I've read means it has more vitamins. I think it also has a richer flavor. I bought crushed pecans, crumbled feta cheese, dried cranberries, and chicken chunks already cooked in the deli section. Top it off with home made Hidden Valley Ranch dressing made with butter milk and some Triscuits on the side and what a great lunch I had! Hm, I think I'm hungry again already...
In response to Mudder's blog, I've been reading more about the polygamist stuff. Today I read a few things that made me feel sad for the people. I think they were raised in the same environment I'm thinking it's necessary to take the kids out of. How would they know better? They think they are doing the right thing and are probably being persecuted by a wicked world for it. We think they'd have to know it's wrong to marry young girls etc. But maybe they have no other frame of reference. I suppose that's the really scary thing. If they could be so committed to their beliefs that we think are wrong, it's possible for any of us to be wrong about our beliefs. Isn't it? So Benthephilosopher, how do we know what we know?
Now back to my evil self. I'm signed in to messenger at work so I can keep in touch a bit with Jeff throughout the day (I guess that's okay by work standards. It's not like I chat all day long). With this, a little message pops up everytime I get an email. So, all day long I've been watching a certain few people send me forwards. I don't mind an occassional forward. Some people really find something funny, sweet, or important to pass on to me and it's nice to have SOMETHING to read when I need a break. But, some people I think just forward anything and everything to anyone and everyone in their address book. Some of these, I've recieved 3 or 5 times! I really don't have time for it. I'm thinking of making an ultimatum. NO MORE FORWARDS PLEASE! But then, that would offend those of you who are actually thinking of me when you hit the forward button. That certainly isn't my intent. Is it possible to block selective things? Hm, have to look into that.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Mean People Suck
I realized today (duh) that I'm nice to mean people as a way to keep the peace. Not a big realization, but what this means is that it's a defense. And what it tells me is that I'm wrong, I'm dumb, it's my fault that these people are this way.
Someone at work today asked me the most retarded question and she said it all mean like I was the one who was doing something wrong. I set a check for someone at the front counter of our office. Every Friday someone comes to pick it up and it's never a problem. Well, no one was at the desk so the person who was covering (not even close to the counter) calls out "what did you just leave there?" So I told her. "Well, how am I supposed to know who's picking it up?" Well, duh, because they'll come and say I'm here to pick up the check for so and so. Is that like rocket science? And yet, I was very nice in explaining that the name is on the envelope and they'll ask for it by that name and this is who will probably be picking it up and this is what she looks like. Duh.
Sometimes I think back on fights or arguments Jeff and I have had and I think I should have just ... I don't know what. Not put up with it. Had the nerve to be the one to scream first or walk away, so that he felt like he had to fight to get me back or something. But, I'm too quick to see it from his side, to try to make things right and smooth them over.
Will this realization make me change any current or future mean people and/or fights with Jeff etc? Probably not. The question is, why? Or how? Is it a self esteem thing? Am I afraid he won't fight to get me back or the dumb person will prove me wrong or something?
Do I need to just quit caring how the other person feels and get mad?
I'm really sick of people. Luckily I only have 2 1/2 hours left to be here.
Someone at work today asked me the most retarded question and she said it all mean like I was the one who was doing something wrong. I set a check for someone at the front counter of our office. Every Friday someone comes to pick it up and it's never a problem. Well, no one was at the desk so the person who was covering (not even close to the counter) calls out "what did you just leave there?" So I told her. "Well, how am I supposed to know who's picking it up?" Well, duh, because they'll come and say I'm here to pick up the check for so and so. Is that like rocket science? And yet, I was very nice in explaining that the name is on the envelope and they'll ask for it by that name and this is who will probably be picking it up and this is what she looks like. Duh.
Sometimes I think back on fights or arguments Jeff and I have had and I think I should have just ... I don't know what. Not put up with it. Had the nerve to be the one to scream first or walk away, so that he felt like he had to fight to get me back or something. But, I'm too quick to see it from his side, to try to make things right and smooth them over.
Will this realization make me change any current or future mean people and/or fights with Jeff etc? Probably not. The question is, why? Or how? Is it a self esteem thing? Am I afraid he won't fight to get me back or the dumb person will prove me wrong or something?
Do I need to just quit caring how the other person feels and get mad?
I'm really sick of people. Luckily I only have 2 1/2 hours left to be here.
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
Conference Report
Last weekend was conference weekend. What a wonderful way to start the spring! (or fall in October). I really look forward to it and feast on it.
This weekend, President Monson was sustained as the new president of the church. That was a neat thing. I feel bad saying this, but in the past I have sometimes had a hard time listening to his talks... I was trying to explain why, but I don't think it matters. Watching him this last weekend though, I could really see him stepping into this new role. He looked so humble and sweet. I felt reminded that Heavenly Father chooses who He wants and needs there.
There seemed to be a lot said, at least on Saturday, about the family and safegaurding the home. I love that word- safegaurd. We DO need to gaurd our homes from what is out there. And we need to make them safe. In my same old sexist way, I believe so much that the wife and mother has so much responsibility to do this. Not that I'm discounting the husband and father, just saying I feel a lot of responsibility and desire to be the heart of the home, to teach my children, to be the safe place to fall for my husband, the kids, even the dog.
My husband is not a member of our church. I never thought I would be married to someone who isn't, outside of the temple. It was something I lived for and hoped for all my life. Admitedly, I sometimes wonder if I've done the right thing, if this is really going to work, but I'm always reminded that I did and given hope that it will. Jeff tried to stay on his graveyard shift schedule this weekend (he often changes- just to spend time with me!). He slept through all of conference (not that he cared to listen anyway). But, since he stayed up all night playing the laptop computer and watching movies in bed while I slept, it gave me the excuse to sit in bed to watch conference. So, I sat there able to hold onto him and look at him while I listened to the words of our leaders and felt such great spiritual things.
I tried to tell him a bit of this after and he agreed that Mormon's do have incredible family values. In fact, I think that appeals to him more than anything. The problem is he's seen/been involved in too many families that are hypocritical and, what he calls, two faced, showing certain standards outwardly but not when no one is watching. Sigh... at least the family values give us common ground. And, I digress. My point was just that, in some way, he was with me and that made things even better.
It's always been hard for me to be so uplifted and inspired over conference weekend and then return to life and work or school on Monday. This week has been especially rough. I felt so in touch with spiritual things. So determined to better myself and live the right way and be happy. So, I thought I'd just take a minute to try to remind myself of the good things that came of last weekend. Maybe I can get hold of them again and try again tomorrow.
This weekend, President Monson was sustained as the new president of the church. That was a neat thing. I feel bad saying this, but in the past I have sometimes had a hard time listening to his talks... I was trying to explain why, but I don't think it matters. Watching him this last weekend though, I could really see him stepping into this new role. He looked so humble and sweet. I felt reminded that Heavenly Father chooses who He wants and needs there.
There seemed to be a lot said, at least on Saturday, about the family and safegaurding the home. I love that word- safegaurd. We DO need to gaurd our homes from what is out there. And we need to make them safe. In my same old sexist way, I believe so much that the wife and mother has so much responsibility to do this. Not that I'm discounting the husband and father, just saying I feel a lot of responsibility and desire to be the heart of the home, to teach my children, to be the safe place to fall for my husband, the kids, even the dog.
My husband is not a member of our church. I never thought I would be married to someone who isn't, outside of the temple. It was something I lived for and hoped for all my life. Admitedly, I sometimes wonder if I've done the right thing, if this is really going to work, but I'm always reminded that I did and given hope that it will. Jeff tried to stay on his graveyard shift schedule this weekend (he often changes- just to spend time with me!). He slept through all of conference (not that he cared to listen anyway). But, since he stayed up all night playing the laptop computer and watching movies in bed while I slept, it gave me the excuse to sit in bed to watch conference. So, I sat there able to hold onto him and look at him while I listened to the words of our leaders and felt such great spiritual things.
I tried to tell him a bit of this after and he agreed that Mormon's do have incredible family values. In fact, I think that appeals to him more than anything. The problem is he's seen/been involved in too many families that are hypocritical and, what he calls, two faced, showing certain standards outwardly but not when no one is watching. Sigh... at least the family values give us common ground. And, I digress. My point was just that, in some way, he was with me and that made things even better.
It's always been hard for me to be so uplifted and inspired over conference weekend and then return to life and work or school on Monday. This week has been especially rough. I felt so in touch with spiritual things. So determined to better myself and live the right way and be happy. So, I thought I'd just take a minute to try to remind myself of the good things that came of last weekend. Maybe I can get hold of them again and try again tomorrow.
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
Head in the Clouds, Feet on the Ground
There's a little wood cabin looking house I used to drive by almost everyday. It has big windows in front and a porch just big enough for a swing. In my mind, I can see fires burning in winter and Christmas trees and coziness. I can also see bright open airy summers. Once in a while, I see a house that just speaks to me.
I haven't thought much about this house for a while, but recently it's crept back into my thoughts. Jeff has brought up thoughts about us getting a house and I've been the one to think we probably can't afford it, our credit's not real great right now, and besides, I'm not sure I'm done living in our cute little apartment. But of course, I'm the one who keeps thinking and dreaming about it even after we decide to stay at our apartment for another year or so.
This house is not TOO little and it sits on a manufactured house lot- yes, that's a fancy way of saying the place where they sale the trailer park houses. My brother had one of those for a while and from what they said, it doesn't sound like the smartest idea. But, my aunt also has one, out on her land in Elko, away from any big cities, and I didn't even know that's what it was until recently.
I always kinda liked the "trailer park" feel. I liked going over to my brother's to swim with his kids. My friend's family lived in one for a while and so did her aunt who had a huge little house. We were old enough to be out of high school but we still would walk over to the playground and swing and talk after dark. There's a simple feeling there.
There's a trailer park I used to pass on my way to and from work. It looks pretty from the road, with flowers planted around the signs at the entrance. There's a church across the street. And I think I might have seen a school nearby? And of course, I imagine there's the possibility we could someday take our not so little little house and go buy some land away from the city, even if we did the trailer park thing for now.
Sometimes when I think about things in reality, like buying a house, I tend to look at what could happen. This is looking for possibilities but sometimes it's more like I just don't expect anything better. I don't ask what it is I really want. I've been trying to think of what I really want lately.
But, thinking of this little house, I feel happy and calm and excited. Maybe we could really do it?
Part of it is when I think about having kids and I pray about having a baby, I kinda get a feeling like maybe we should get a house first- while we both still have good jobs that we've been at for a while etc. Not waiting until we have a kid or two, even less money and I'm living on welfare because I quit my job to stay home with the babies.
My husband is a very smart guy. I think he could do anything he wanted career wise. The problem is, there's not much he wants to do. No, I don't really think it's a problem. He believes in good hard work and in doing something you feel good about. He really likes the work he's doing now and even though it doesn't make lots of money, I want to support him in that. I think it's a rare and very good thing to not be caught up in money and careers etc.
So, the problem is not him, it's the money and the fact that I want to stay home with my babies and so we're choosing to be poor for the rest of our lives.
That's part of the appeal of this little house. (It really is bigger than you probably think when I say "trailer park" and it's VERY pretty on the outside). It seems to fit in with our life, our philosophy, and just our possibilities. But is it smart? Is it practical?
How do you know?
Sometimes I don't want to tell people my little hopes and dreams because their cynicism and criticism destroys things so fast. Other times I feel like I could say I was going to go drive off a cliff and people, being supportive, would simply watch me go. Perhaps I'm the one that's too critical and hard hearted to listen to them?
I keep wanting to talk and share my thoughts, get some advice, just be excited about something (which I don't even allow myself to do). And this is just the thought I have to explain it, I don't know if it will make sense. Basically it comes to a feeling that I'll waste my college education. And not even that I'll feel that way- because I know what matters and will make me happy- but because other people (like the guy who paid for my schooling) will think that way. I look at Ben and Mel who I know are struggling so I don't mean to discount you in anyway, but I think are living this somewhat idealistic life (in mymind). And I think, yeah, but they are struggling for a reason, a purpose, and, probably more importantly to the judging voices in myhead, it will only last for so long. Then Ben will be this amazing professor with plenty of money and they'll take their eleven kids and go live in some beautiful college town in a big homey house. I on the other hand, have a husband who thinks he'll work grave yards at Ultradent for the rest of our lives.
Then it sounds like I'm cricizing him, which I'm not, I already explained that. And that's the real comparison I wanted to make. In college, I met guys who were pre-med, pre-dental, engineering majors. We're talking they will probably make the big bucks someday. Crazy smart guys who were also kind, fun etc. But none of them were the one I'm sharing my life with.
Jeff makes me happy in so many ways. Things I didn't even know I needed, or knew I needed but had no idea what would meet that need, I have in him. Sometimes I think about what if I would have married the doctor or whatever and I think... I can feel something missing (obviously it's my Jeffrey but you know what I mean). It just doesnt' feel like the life I would have wanted.
I love my husband who doesn't worry about bills and plays games all weekend and is happy at a job where he feels like he serves a purpose. I love our simple life and the way we look at things and the way we choose to live. I AM WHERE I BELONG. I believe God gave me this.
So, I want my simple life. I want a small house with flowers in the yard and a mom at home. I feel myself wanting the trailer park. (Don't worry, I won't go anywhere slummy. I've actually been surprised at some of the nicer places I've noticed since I've been thinking about this). I don't even want the big doctor's house in the uppity neighborhood.
But, am I missing something in this thinking? Don't let me drive off a cliff, but don't pop my hot air balloon either (do I ask too much?).
I haven't thought much about this house for a while, but recently it's crept back into my thoughts. Jeff has brought up thoughts about us getting a house and I've been the one to think we probably can't afford it, our credit's not real great right now, and besides, I'm not sure I'm done living in our cute little apartment. But of course, I'm the one who keeps thinking and dreaming about it even after we decide to stay at our apartment for another year or so.
This house is not TOO little and it sits on a manufactured house lot- yes, that's a fancy way of saying the place where they sale the trailer park houses. My brother had one of those for a while and from what they said, it doesn't sound like the smartest idea. But, my aunt also has one, out on her land in Elko, away from any big cities, and I didn't even know that's what it was until recently.
I always kinda liked the "trailer park" feel. I liked going over to my brother's to swim with his kids. My friend's family lived in one for a while and so did her aunt who had a huge little house. We were old enough to be out of high school but we still would walk over to the playground and swing and talk after dark. There's a simple feeling there.
There's a trailer park I used to pass on my way to and from work. It looks pretty from the road, with flowers planted around the signs at the entrance. There's a church across the street. And I think I might have seen a school nearby? And of course, I imagine there's the possibility we could someday take our not so little little house and go buy some land away from the city, even if we did the trailer park thing for now.
Sometimes when I think about things in reality, like buying a house, I tend to look at what could happen. This is looking for possibilities but sometimes it's more like I just don't expect anything better. I don't ask what it is I really want. I've been trying to think of what I really want lately.
But, thinking of this little house, I feel happy and calm and excited. Maybe we could really do it?
Part of it is when I think about having kids and I pray about having a baby, I kinda get a feeling like maybe we should get a house first- while we both still have good jobs that we've been at for a while etc. Not waiting until we have a kid or two, even less money and I'm living on welfare because I quit my job to stay home with the babies.
My husband is a very smart guy. I think he could do anything he wanted career wise. The problem is, there's not much he wants to do. No, I don't really think it's a problem. He believes in good hard work and in doing something you feel good about. He really likes the work he's doing now and even though it doesn't make lots of money, I want to support him in that. I think it's a rare and very good thing to not be caught up in money and careers etc.
So, the problem is not him, it's the money and the fact that I want to stay home with my babies and so we're choosing to be poor for the rest of our lives.
That's part of the appeal of this little house. (It really is bigger than you probably think when I say "trailer park" and it's VERY pretty on the outside). It seems to fit in with our life, our philosophy, and just our possibilities. But is it smart? Is it practical?
How do you know?
Sometimes I don't want to tell people my little hopes and dreams because their cynicism and criticism destroys things so fast. Other times I feel like I could say I was going to go drive off a cliff and people, being supportive, would simply watch me go. Perhaps I'm the one that's too critical and hard hearted to listen to them?
I keep wanting to talk and share my thoughts, get some advice, just be excited about something (which I don't even allow myself to do). And this is just the thought I have to explain it, I don't know if it will make sense. Basically it comes to a feeling that I'll waste my college education. And not even that I'll feel that way- because I know what matters and will make me happy- but because other people (like the guy who paid for my schooling) will think that way. I look at Ben and Mel who I know are struggling so I don't mean to discount you in anyway, but I think are living this somewhat idealistic life (in mymind). And I think, yeah, but they are struggling for a reason, a purpose, and, probably more importantly to the judging voices in myhead, it will only last for so long. Then Ben will be this amazing professor with plenty of money and they'll take their eleven kids and go live in some beautiful college town in a big homey house. I on the other hand, have a husband who thinks he'll work grave yards at Ultradent for the rest of our lives.
Then it sounds like I'm cricizing him, which I'm not, I already explained that. And that's the real comparison I wanted to make. In college, I met guys who were pre-med, pre-dental, engineering majors. We're talking they will probably make the big bucks someday. Crazy smart guys who were also kind, fun etc. But none of them were the one I'm sharing my life with.
Jeff makes me happy in so many ways. Things I didn't even know I needed, or knew I needed but had no idea what would meet that need, I have in him. Sometimes I think about what if I would have married the doctor or whatever and I think... I can feel something missing (obviously it's my Jeffrey but you know what I mean). It just doesnt' feel like the life I would have wanted.
I love my husband who doesn't worry about bills and plays games all weekend and is happy at a job where he feels like he serves a purpose. I love our simple life and the way we look at things and the way we choose to live. I AM WHERE I BELONG. I believe God gave me this.
So, I want my simple life. I want a small house with flowers in the yard and a mom at home. I feel myself wanting the trailer park. (Don't worry, I won't go anywhere slummy. I've actually been surprised at some of the nicer places I've noticed since I've been thinking about this). I don't even want the big doctor's house in the uppity neighborhood.
But, am I missing something in this thinking? Don't let me drive off a cliff, but don't pop my hot air balloon either (do I ask too much?).
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